Silenced up

I'm shutting down. The past 3 days I've been staying in bed, not showering or brushing my teeth. My mom just had surgery on her foot yesterday, she needs me to help her and I feel like I can't be there for her. My sister just told me she was diagnosed with breast cancer and I feel unable to be there for her. I constantly wish I was dead. I care about what they are dealing with, but I feel numb and paralyzed and I feel angry about so many things. I am all stuck in my own head. Everything gets to me. I constantly feel suicidal but I just stay in bed and hide. Can't take anything in the news anymore, it's really affected me that RBG died. I just wish I could run away somewhere, but there's nowhere to run to. My anger is terrible. Sometimes I feel like throwing things at the wall. I don't know how to cope anymore.

[Purrsona]

I'm really sorry you're going through such a hellish time. I agree with Luna_Child below on one thing: one really important step to take for your mental health is realizing that you can't be everything to everyone and you need to safeguard your own sanity before anything else. You are feeling immense pressure, and no wonder, with everything going on in the world and in your family situation. It's really important that you not beat yourself up for not doing the impossible--ignoring your own mental state to help someone else.

There's one relatively easy thing you can try. Personally, I think you should give yourself permission to completely ignore the news for awhile (except for things you absolutely need to know for your safety, like COVID-19 developments or natural disasters). We can't change much about what's happening politically, and being frozen with terror or rage or depression isn't going to help anyone.

[hypercat54]

Great reply Luna and I agree absolutely.

[Hidden]

Don’t throw in the towel just yet! If the news upsets you, don’t watch it. You should try to help your mom but I think your sister should find someone else to help her. I know what it’s like to be angry all the time. I’m angry at my situation and it constantly gets me down. I do all kinds of coping techniques to control it. The craziest thing I do (and it works!) is I force myself to smile halfway. It’s hard to do at first but once i’m smiling, my mood changes...so i keep smiling, even though i look like an idiot. Try it! If it works for you, then we can both look like idiots together ❤️

[Hidden]

👍👍👍

[Hidden]

A rock bottom, shut down or whatever the words could be used to describe where you are emotionally and mentally has been slowly coming, it’s evident by what we have all been talking with you about.

Your mom and sister..... these things are a lot to take in when we aren’t capable of dealing with our own issues, how can you expect to be there for them?

What can you do, what can you expend in the way of support? Only you can answer. These other things in the news are mere blips on your radar and shouldn’t take up your emotional and mental energy, honestly they don’t matter at all in the grand scheme of your life and personal circumstances, you’re mom and sister could use a bit of that if you could spare it.

I’ve tapped out advice wise, but support you here any I/we can. Ive resolved myself to say you aren’t wanting advice but using this platform as a way to vent or unload. Use it how you need to. I’ll still respond.

Ill leave you with this, You can run but cannot hide is an old saying, but it’s true. You run to your bedroom, but your anger, your loathing, your family issues and circumstances, etc are going to keep following you in there. You need to find an ounce of energy and try to finally decide to get therapy but you have to be willing to give it 100% effort. I will keep encouraging therapy, if even if it blows right over to roof top. Take care of your self, try to find some energy today to shower, brush teeth. 🌺💜

[Hidden]

Thanks everyone for responding. I'm calling the psychologist and seeing her, I'm also going to look into taking music lessons on guitar or piano and I need to buy myself a new phone. All this is going to cost a bunch of money but I know in my bones this is what I need to do. I know you guys aren't professionals, but I really do appreciate the support more than you will ever know. When I'm feeling better I can come back on here and be more of a support to other people on here. I know my anger is pushing people away when at the very same time I feel desperate to talk to someone. Again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for caring enough to write something nice to me. ☺

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Sounds like a plan. Stay close, write often if you can.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you. I took a shower and brushed my teeth last night, but today I'm procrastinating calling the therapist and going to buy a new phone. Now buying a cell phone is a major purchase. I'm trying to tell myself to just DO these things and I just want to hide in bed and eat junk food. I don't like myself very much and I don't want people to think I'm lazy.

[Starrlight in reply to Hidden]

Well YOU know you are not lazy and that’s what counts most.

[Hidden in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you, that's very kind of you to say that. 💖