Holiday mayhem

[No_Longer_Human]

Okay so im at grandma's for the holidays. I knew there was no point trying to decline as i would face blackmail and manipulation and eventually go. Also i had been alone for 3 months, I hadn't seen my sister, i was sick and hungry and with low immunity from no human contact. At least at grandma's there's grandma if mom gets too scary and some glass between my room and mom's. Also food, meds and human contact. Yes but i went nuts. Grandma is the only person who can do something on mom's drinking and she not only refuses to help but she sabotages it. Months ago i asked her no alchoholic gifts from her or uncle, and i see uncle gifting her a bottle of beer (thank god it's only beer) and when i asked grandma why she broke her promise, she said "everyone should mind their own business" and she said it in front of mom and started talking about it more hinting i don't work and i take meds (drugs in their opinion). I went to talk to her but she started "oh my heart, oh my heart". Then she said wine in the morning is good for anemia. I went upset on the table. Again whiplash for me. Grandma burned her hand and started crying "oh my heart, oh my hand, hurts". I felt guilty. I barely have time for myself. My nephew is here and my drunk mom is always yelling at me "aunt, come play with him" while im getting a panic attack. I need my alone time. Now im too panicked to even be able to read, listen to music or game. I'm just desperately texting back everyone who saw my discord username on bumble. There was one guy that made me feel better but he recently started appearing less and less. I felt right with him. Now there's another guy, a scorpio, who's obsessed with me or at least he says he's obsessed with me. Honestly i feel like im asexual, i went to Bumble because i don't have friends. I was on a social anxiety group and we talked about friends and i said i don't have any and some guy told me to download bumble even though i hate dating apps. I deleted the app but i forgot to deliete my account. Now im just trying to be friends with these guys because i really need 24/7 support and i can't afford BetterHelp. I mistake friendship and attraction. I just need someone to give me some affection because my sister clearly refuses to even talk to me and so does my dad,my mom's making me need support. So this guy doesn't feel right even though all his responds to my vents were cute as hell. He recently got his heart broken and when he started talking with me, he felt better. Today i was absolutely mental. My mom gave a knife and mayo to my 3yo nephew and i almost fainted. My grandma holds grudges that i hold grudges. My sister is colder than ice. I called my dad to tell him i love him and i miss him and i started crying. (Grandparents said he's in stepmother's village and it ruined me). He asked "what's wrong again? Ah picking over so small things like everyone. Im tired of it." I asked how he's doing "im visiting, nothing", i asked if he's fishing and if he has interesting animals at work, he couldn't be more uninterested and cold. I'm worried if he leaves me. Then i was on the phone with the guy and now im so anxious

[Alpakka123]

Hi sweetheart,

Your grandma can't do anything about your mom's drinking. The only person who can do that is your mom. She has to be the one to get help, and that starts with wanting to get help. I think I know why you think that she's the only one to stop your mom. It's because she's her mom. Is this correct? It unfortunately doesn't matter that she's her mom. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you to see your mom doing this to herself, but unfortunately there is nothing you can do. Your mom needs to want to get help. This wanting to do something is how life works. No one can force someone to do something; the will to do something needs to be present in the person themselves. Not even therapists can will people to change. Their job is to help people in the hopes that they will help themselves.

That was nice of you to call your dad and say that. His response might not have been what you wanted, but that falls into the category of what we can and can't control. You can control what you say to him, but you can't control what he says to you.

I hope this helps somewhat.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Alpakka123]

Thank you so much! I'm reading this teary eyed. I needed to hear that. I thought this because grandpa said "only her mom can stop her". And i was just trying to be nice to dad and tell him i love him but he thought i wanted to vent and im really scared if he leaves me. He responded to all my questions with nothing really, zero enthusiasm

[Starrlight]

I agree with Alpakka you can’t make anyone do anything.

You can always choose how to react to everything though. The first pain is from the first arrow( someone’s action) but the second pain is only from us if we react to the behavior in a negative way. You know?

You care so much. This is good. It’s what drives us and how we empathize. But sometimes we need to let go a little since there are things out of our control. We need to choose what is in our control and leave the rest, in my opinion.

❤️

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Starrlight]

Yeah, i see. Just im scared of the abuse when she's drunk and her inadequate behaviour

[Starrlight in reply to No_Longer_Human]

Right I get that. I mean do whatever makes sense to you, it’s your choice. I’m sorry she gets abusive to you.

[worthytobeloved in reply to Starrlight]

Very well said!

[Coolgreys]

I’m so sorry you are going through all this. That sounds like a lot to deal with. Too much actually. The holidays and family time is so difficult. I was lucky to have somewhere other than my family to spend time with on Christmas but I still feel guilty I was the only one missing. But honestly, sometimes it’s too much and it won’t be good for my mental health. My anxiety would be through the roof and I don’t want to feel like that. But I get it, sometimes you give in because of guilt or because you are so lonely.

Have you ever heard of “ Al- anon”? It’s like AA but for family or friends of alcoholics and it’s free. I went to my first meeting last Saturday. I cried. If you have an in-person support group near you, please consider checking it out! People are very supportive and compassionate there. I have terrible social anxiety but some people took the time to welcome me and have a little chat. I even exchanged numbers with another lady who said I could reach out to her about anything.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Coolgreys]

I feel that. I'm either too lonely or basically blackmailed into going with family. And ik Alanon but i will be triggered there hearing about their parents dying from it

[CLB1125]

please be careful meeting men on dating apps. not all people are who they say they are. Not truthful or safe. Alpakka123 mentioned Al-anon. you will find more support there than in a dating app. they are all living with the same pain as you. they can help you learn how manage living with someone who drinks. They are online and everyone is anonymous.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to CLB1125]

That's why i feel bad. Actually i was advised to seek friends on apps by a support group. Im scared al anon would trigger me hearing about how their parents lost sanity and died

[CLB1125 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

Someone can correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think that’s how AlAnon works. I think the main focus is the wellbeing of the people living with the alcoholic. Not what the alcoholic has done or their background. They are all together in unity because they all have the same situation. It’s a support group to help each other cope and how to take care of themselves. It’s not about what happened in each other’s day to day life. Sort of like we do here but the main focus there is having a loved one who drinks. Check it out. It can’t hurt and you can stop anytime you want to if it’s not right for you.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to CLB1125]

Well, in this country ppl bond by complaining. I really think they would just start telling me "my dad/grandpa drank too. He died". That's what everyone tells me

[Alpakka123 in reply to CLB1125]

From the little experience I've had with Al-anon, you are correct. It's a support group for those who have a family member who is an alcoholic. Just like any support group, the focus is to provide an outlet for the person to talk/get their feelings out anonymously and without judgement.

[No_Longer_Human in reply to Alpakka123]

Well, in this country it's normal to drink at 5 while America has the 21 law and more advanced understanding on mental health

[CLB1125 in reply to No_Longer_Human]

What does that have to do with AlAnon? You are not understanding this. Online AlAnon is from people all over the world. They won’t know anything about you or your past. What is it you are afraid of? being ridiculed? They are there to help you cope with the suffering you’re experiencing not to judge.