Narc Abuse and Anger

[RainerCherries]

Hi this is my first time reaching out to a group like this. Have some questions about anger in regards to change. I stopped talking to my narcissist mom 2 years ago and it's been very difficult for me to really not be angry. I've been working on trying to get myself in a space where I can feel comfortable and I only feel safe with people not associated with her. A trusted family friend I've been telling you about the things I've been doing with my mother was telling her everything that I said. I'm not mad that she told because it was the truth I'm mad because she acted like she was my confidant and that she would keep my confidence and not repeat what I said to her about my personal life. I just really need help coping and knowing that I didn't do anything wrong I'm tired of not being able to love me fully. My mom is doing a lot of horrible things from beating me with the railing from the stairs where I couldn't move my arm for weeks at a time to her waking me up in the middle of the night screaming to wash the dishes when there was only a plate and fork in the sink from somebody waking up and eating after I've already cleaned it. To being told when my dad died the only reason why I was in her house is because of my father. From being treated like a lap dog and then I'm cold and asked to do anything she wants me to do and I get up and I do it and then I get treated like crap I'm just tired. I guess is this part of the healing process? Am I supposed to be this angry and walk away from people associate with her? I just want to make sure I'm doing the right thing for myself and my son. She tried to manipulate him before when I stopped talking to her in the beginning and told him how she had a gift for him for his birthday but she wasn't sure how she was going to give it to him I immediately correct her and told her you know how you're going to give it to him you can drop it off you can mail it but don't do that. To other people I might sound unreasonable but having someone manipulate you for all this time of your life you know when they're being manipulative. Am I supposed to be so quick to cut people out my life? Am I supposed to be the same?

[Dolphin14]

RainerCherries

Welcome to the community

I don't think it's wrong to be upset about someone sharing your private talks with your mom.

Feeling angry doesn't make you a bad person. It's an emotion that can be healthy as long as you don't use it to hurt other people.

If your mother is toxic to your well being then maybe it's time to cut ties while you work on your healing.

Wishing you the best

🐬

[RainerCherries in reply to Dolphin14]

I've gone NC with her for the most part. She was a family friend and had been going to her for months telling her everything. It was the truth but, I had told her other feelings I had with family members and she exposed that too. I'm tired of being betrayed, it really just pushed me to leave out of state more and more.

[Pet_Collector]

This is the exact same situation I grew up in. My mother is also a narcissist and mistreated and abused me growing up. She also has tried to manipulate me back into her life. I also had to cut ties with my mother and anyone else tied to her including other family members. My brother sees through her too so I do stay in touch with him, but I also see him lapse and go back to being around her and she starts somehow interfering in my life again, without me even talking to her. It is total chaos and dysfunction. I believe I did the right thing cutting her and others off. I still have issues and problems in my life, but absolutely nothing like I do when I am in connection with her. The best thing I ever did was cut her and anyone tied to her off. I don’t expect that she will never somehow interfere here and there even when I’ve cut her off, but the damage is much much less. Hope this is helpful. Know you’re not alone.

[RainerCherries in reply to Pet_Collector]

It is very helpful. Did you move? I am working on moving so I can start over somewhere else with my son and he is happy about it. Did you move out of state? I'm realizing now that nobody is safe in conjunction with her and I have to completely isolate my child and myself from them. I joined a depression anonymous group yesterday and chose a topic to discuss. I believe now me and my child need to go to family therapy because this is going to be a huge change. How long have you been NC?

[Pet_Collector in reply to RainerCherries]

Well it took several tries before I actually followed through but whenever I’ve lived out of state it was much better and easier for years and years. But then I moved back to my hometown and tried again. I’m only glad, because now I know for a fact it wasn’t all in my head. The first time I left, was years ago, when I was barely an adult yet. When I was 34-35 I tried so hard to reconnect and stay in touch and rebuild our relationship. Worse mistake I ever made was thinking I could be loving and nice enough that she couldn’t drain me of my life. I am glad you are reaching out for support. 💜

[Cooking_nut]

Hello,

Do you have access to the internet? There is an excellent doctor, her name is Dr. Ramani and she has many videos on YouTube and many of them deal with healing after you have gone “no contact” with the narcissist. I can’t recommend Dr. Ramani and her videos enough. They have helped me deal with a narcissist in my life, as well as my feelings having left the relationship.

[RainerCherries in reply to Cooking_nut]

Yes, I watch Dr Ramani and Jerry Wise as well. They helped me really understand exactly what I have been going through. Dr Ramani the most since I only started listening to Jerry Wise. I believe this is why I've been so angry and furious. I finally have my voice back.

[Cooking_nut]

I’m so glad you have Dr. Ramani. There is also Dr. Les Carter. He also has many insights. I found these 2 people so helpful and eye opening - many “aha” moments for me. I too am healing from a narcissist (my ex-husband).

I can’t even imagine what it was like to grow up with a narcissist mother. All I do know, is that now that I have detached from my narcissistic, I try to remind myself to try and live my best life, every day now that I am no longer dealing with them. I understand your anger (which I still,deal with too). But as long as you are thinking about them and being emotional about them, they are still interfering in your life. I work every day to live my new life, and not theirs.

[RainerCherries in reply to Cooking_nut]

You're right, I get PTSD flash backs of the abuse and it makes me angry. The happiest I feel is when I'm around people who support me.

[Midori]

I would do exactly the same, personally. She is taking advantage of you and trying to manipulate your son.

I agree with no longer confiding in the other person too. My son and I moved well away from anyone I knew and who could abuse us via my back story, which involved (TW) spousal violence and suicide. Always be careful who you trust.

Cheers, Midori

[RainerCherries in reply to Midori]

Thanks, I feel better about that. Is your son happy? Was he like my son a teen? Did he handle it well?

[Midori in reply to RainerCherries]

He's 35 now, he was special needs as a child, but he has grown into a caring adult.

cheers, Midori

[catsrock]

I just want to say that you are right to be away from your mother and she should have never treated you that way - I'm so sorry. I hate when people are manipulative like that and you have every right to stay away from her and live your life happily.

[RainerCherries in reply to catsrock]

I am. This just helped me see I'm not safe and I had been overwhelmed and felt like I was going down hill but it's going to be ok.