Alone and Without a Purpose

[Consuela77]

Sharing on a place like this is new for me. I'm nearly 40 and coming to terms with the fact that I will not have children of my own and may very well have to face the future alone. That has always been my biggest fear, further aggravated by my parents sitting me down at 22 and telling me "because they love me and were worried about my future" that no man would ever love me as I was because of my weight. I have never been on a date, been in any kind of romantic relationship or had any kind of non-platonic physical intimacy with anyone and the older I get, the less hope I have that any of those things will change. I struggle to find hope or motivation. Everything I do for myself is really to keep the people I love happy and healthy. The happiest times of my life were when I had someone else to care for, but I don't have that anymore. I feel purposeless. If taking my life would not hurt others, I would be long gone by now. Lately, I've begun to wonder just how much people would really care. I've told many friends that I am struggling and often receive very little beyond an "I'm sorry to hear that" and "let me know if you need to talk." Many of them go on to tell me about their own troubles and never even so much as ask about me. Others have made me feel guilty for sharing how I feel or asking for time because they are "overwhelmed". I have one friend who makes effort to check on me despite being busy and going through her own troubles. I am very grateful for her.

[13ga]

consuela - hello and welcome to HU!

i'm sorry to hear about the pain you've endured. i'm short on time; and usually long on words.... so i'll try to be brief...

i hope you dont take this the wrong way - but your parents were jerks. what a terrible thing to tell your child. even if they wanted to tell you it would benefit you to lose some weight - there're far better ways to do that.

i can definitively tell you - with absolute certainty - there's someone for everyone. in fact, consuela - there's many someone's for everyone!!! the problem is finding one of them. the trick here... you definitely won't find one, if you're hiding out... you need to be an active participant in life. most importantly - you'll do best - if you go out FOR YOU and not for the exclusive purpose of finding someone. go out for YOU! and the someone will simply show up some day.

there's far more i want to say - but i'll have to add later....

[b1b1b1]

You say the happiest times of your life were when you were caring for someone. I don't know what kind of work you do, but if it is not satisfying, think about going to school to become a nurse. There are other "caring" professions that you can consider, as well. You may also want to consider psychotherapy and possibly antidepressants. Both of these can help with your sadness and depression. xx

[NoHoWarrior in reply to b1b1b1]

Welcome Consuela!! You are most welcome here. You are never alone when you come to this space.

Thank you for being brave enough to share your struggles with us. Please accept a group HUG.

[Hidden]

Consuela, welcome! Your parents were very cruel and wrong to say that to you. If you look around as you are out in the world you will see all kinds of people in all shapes and sizes who are married. You are feeling badly right now though and that is the first order of business. Have you seen a therapist? That could be really helpful. At any rate you have found yourself here and this is a good place to be. There are many kind and helpful people here who will support you on your journey.

[DIsneyQueen]

Hi Consuela77, 13ga was right, unfortunately your parents were wrong in saying that to you. There are lots of someone’s out there, you have to participate in life. You sound like a wonderful person in that you are happiest when helping people. There are countless people who need you. I am a retired nurse and we relied on volunteers to hold, rock and soothe our newborns who had no one. There is Big Brothers/Big Sisters too. Lots of ways to be a mom to someone who needs one without having your own. I believe that God gives you each day, not because you need it, but because someone out there needs you. Sounds like to me you have lots to give. Good Luck and God Bless you🙏🙏😇😇

[Opportunity]

Hi!!! I am in my early 40s, and I thought the same as you. But you know what?? All is not lost for you and me. I searched my whole life for a man and now, I’ve accepted that I won’t be ready to marry until at least 45 or later. All those men gonna have to wait for us. 🤣In the meantime, it sounds like you’ve spent the majority of your life trapped in what everyone else wants, needs, expects.... You can break out of your current role, by learning more about it. Why do you do what you do? What is trapping you? What are your core beliefs and values? How do you feel when they talk over you or tell you what’s best for you? That kind of thing.

The saddest part about your parents sitting you down like that, in my opinion, is that they were telling you that you need a man in order to have a future. No, your life started when you were born. Your life is “on” right now. It’s running, and you’ve learned a lot! It’s not on hold until you find a man! My parents said similar things and I spent most of my life waiting around or discounting life experiences because they weren’t done within the confines of a successful marriage (so they didn’t really count). Ugh!

[13ga]

consuela;

addendum to prior reply...

i want to plant an idea in your head... that "friends" that only want to talk about their problems- and NOT also talk about yours.... these are not friends - they're acquaintances AT BEST!! these are people that sound like they're very selfish. true friends have a bi-directional relationship. there's give and take in EVERY relationship. well - every healthy and good relationship, anyway!

that friend you mentioned at the end - the 1 that checks on you despite their own time constraints and problems - THAT's a real friend. sounds to me like you have ONE friend - and a number of naer-do-wells. and you know what - that's a GOOD thing! many people don't even have 1 single good friend. and you clearly know the score of your relationships!! do you have any idea how many people have "friends" and don't even know which are REAL ???

and now that you know this - you know where to focus your time! if one friend isn't enough - get out there and do stuff FOR YOU - new friends will reveal themselves - you do NOT have to look hard.

but consuela - it's taken me my entire life to get where i'm at now... and if there's only 1 valuable thing i've learned- it's this: real friends; real relationships; real fulfillment and purpose - all these things require a cost. nothing is free. the cost for these things is the potential for pain and hurt. in order to find these things - we must be "real" and genuine with those we call friends. and this honesty - must be earned in tiny steps over time!!!! you can NOT just start sharing all your secrets with someone until they've proven they can be trusted. and part of trust is that your trust may be broken, and you could get hurt. consuela - NO ONE GET's OUT OF LIFE WITHOUT PAIN AND HURT!!! once we accept this - it becomes easier to deal with that pain. and if we have good friends - we have someone that can share the load with us. pain shared is pain halved!

this means if we want a fulfilling relationship - we must be vulnerable, and the partner in that relationship (friend or lover [and a lover should be a friend 1st unless you just want a 1-nighter] ) must be vulnerable in return. ANY relationship that doesn't meet this criteria - will not be fulfilling. it may still be entertaining; enjoyable; but it will also likely be frustrating... and will certainly not be fulfilling and life affirming.

.

consuela - lastly... (for this reply )

i know very little about you - but it sounds like you derive great pleasure from helping others. consuela - is not that one of your purposes in life???

you can help people TODAY. right on this forum! even if you don't have definitive answers to peoples problems - you can help them by giving them hope and encouragement. i know - that you're probably not in the best place to do that... so file this in the "to-do" file - when you;'re ready.

i'd also like to make another presumptuous comment. i suspect that there are other things besides helping people - that give you enjoyment, fulfillment, and purpose. you may or may not know what some of those things are. this is another reason to get out, and try things. find other things you like; and you WILL find enjoyment, and purpose - and YOU WILL FIND others that enjoy those same things - and all of them are potential friends!!! and 1 or 2 of them might even be potential love interests. but you'll never know unless you TRY.

i understand that where you are right now - is a place that may not be conducive to trying. this is why getting help is crucial. help from here. and professional help from a therapist. and help from crisis lines or warm lines. warm lines are numbers you can call to talk to someone for ANY reason.

the first step in getting out of where you're at - is finding connection with others that can helpyou.

you've already started that journey by joining this site, and posting this thread. don't stop!!!! this is the beginning of the rest of your life!!! your 1st 40 years may not have been great... but the next could be fracking awesome! but only you can make that decision. you have to ask for help from people that are knowledgable and have the ability to help guide you.

the journey to good mental health, is not a 1-step quick fix. but it IS a HOPEFUL journey, and with a little work - YOU CAN GET THERE!!!! there will be some set-backs- nothing in life is perfect. don't let set-backs get you down. 2 steps forward and 1 step back - is still 1 step forward!!!!

if you understand this - you will be better prepared, and better able to take that journey - and succeed. i know you can get there. put some trust in you!!!

did you see the movie 'shawshank redemption' ? do you remember when morgan freeman went to the stone wall and found the box?? and the letter - which said... if you came this far - then maybe you'll go a little further.

that's a life lesson. consuela - you've posted here. if you've come this far - then how about going a little further? keep posting... seek professional help... there's many other things after that - but those are the 1st 2 steps. and they're not that big - you've already taken 1 step.... take another now...

if you're still reading this - then you now know about my long windedness . but if you took the time to real all this... then that shows you still have hope! and hope goes a long way!!! HOLD ON TO THAT and take another step!!!

[momofjust2boys]

Have you thought about choosing one thing in your life and totally changing it? Maybe something as big as changing careers/going to school? Or something as small as taking up a hobby you've always wanted to try? You might consider writing down some big and little goals and choosing one (or more) and trying it. On another note, I had a friend in a similar situation. She reached 35 and felt she was never going to get married and have a family. She adopted a young girl (about 8). Being single did not rule her out, and she found a beautiful human being to share her home and and shower with love. You might also consider that option. Please post back and let us know how you're doing.

[Iammesues]

Your parents don’t deserve your attention. You are a high quality person and they haven’t noticed. You don’t need a man to be complete