Living without my children

[Go_Girl40]

It is a living death to be without your children. Times were bad, their father was a womanizer and an abuser and I divorced after two precious daughters. Then he got me pregnant again and refused to let me leave the house and shamed me as if it was my fault. A beautiful boy was born after I left him with my two girls to live with my parents. He followed, continued to harass me. Long story short, I could manage just fine on my own with three babies and without child support but then I lost my job and everything else. His parents (the paternal grandparents) said they would care for the children while I got back on my feet. They lived 900 miles away. Then they never let me have them back. Sure I made many mistakes like not asking for welfare or financial assistance of any kind. Our family was above asking for help.

The years dragged on with lawyers trying to get my own children back. Seven years later I was allowed to see them only for a few days. The pain and suffering my children went through without their mother is irreparable. Sure I suffered every minute of every day but so did they. Now they will not speak to me and as much as I'm told them how much I love them, they are not there. This all happened 45 years ago and although I have a few friends and a wonderful husband I live in limbo because I don't know how to remove these memories of mistakes I made.

So how can I not love them and have a life. They are all professionals with families and successful marriages. I married 15 years ago, have everything in the world I want, am very active in volunteer work, hobbies, and exercise. My kids will not accept anything from me, won't call, write or visit. How can I let go of this pain?

Please tell me

[Jamie2018]

Boy that's tough. Not sure you can get over something like that. But you survived half a lifetime and sounds like your in a good place now. I'm sorry you have not had contact with your 3 kids I myself wouldn't have survived that. But knowing they are doing well must be some comfort for You? I really don't have any good advise for you except take comfort in the fact that they are doing well. Perhaps try a different approach I don't know who you could talk to but maybe there is some advise from a professional? Keep having faith and hope that they will come around.

[dee_bells in reply to Jamie2018]

Wow. I am so sorry.

Have you thought about going to speak to a therapist? That is a difficult situation to go through.

Have you sought help before? I think that speaking with a therapist would be worth a try.

I cannot imagine what you’re going through. My mom and dad divorced when I was 3. My mother badmouthed my dad all the time. I know she was bitter but I thought let me find out for myself if he is a jerk. He was. For the next 30 years I saw him twice a year. Christmas and around my birthday.

Then his wife got dementia and he needed help. He contacted me and my two siblings. We got her into a decent nursing home and my dad needed to go into a facility as well.

I talked to my dad about different things and he said he knew he wasn’t a good father and he was sorry. I was happy he said that.

The love of his life, his wife passed in 2013 and he passed in 2014.

So I wonder what your children have been told about you? Can you write them? I pushed the bad things my dad had done to the back of my mine and I’m at peace with him now.

Do you know what your children think? How they view you? They’re adults now and it may be worth a try to contact them.

Good luck and i hope you make progress.

Dee

[Orangeblossom85]

That must have been horribly difficult while they were growing up and you could not connect with them. We only know that the decision was bad after we see the consequences, we cannot predict... we are also being fooled and manipulated. I guess your ex-husband was a master of manipulation.

I only cannot bear the decision of your “in laws”. Why did they take your kids away? Weren’t they suppose to help you all? I think a mother should always have the access to their kids, even if somehow restricted. This is a pain for both sides, especially for the kids that are not responsible for any bad happenings. I’m so sorry for you! I’m so sorry for the pain and tragedy. I wish we could take the time back.

I also see that you must have been very very brave throughout your life. I’m so happy to see that you met a valuable person! And I’m happy that you could have share your life with him.

How old are your kids now? Do they have kids on their own? Have you ever tried sending them a letter?

[01harley]

Your story is so Similar to mine. Worthless husband who did drugs had sex with my friends and beat me. When my mother found me a one room apartment I had 3 broken ribs and a black eye that was so bad I couldn't even open it. I could barely walk. She came to pick me up with a policewoman and got me and my things. We lived with his mother so she said she would watch my daughter till I felt better. No knowing it would be a fight to get her back. Well. Anyway my daughter and I would see each other and she would live with me off and on but the damage had been done. They turned her against me. She is 42 now, 4 kids. And she told me I'm dead to them. My heart is broken. But I have a good life wonderful husband of 30 years. So I have to go on as u should and sometime someday maybe they will come around. I pray they do.

[Orangeblossom85 in reply to 01harley]

I’m so sad reading this! Im so sad. I feel very sorry for you and for your daughter. You both had it so difficult. I wish she would listen to you and try to understand, I bet you can imagine her pain. I suppose you believe in God - my aunt recently told me that whenever we have trouble getting to someone we should pray that their guardian angel helps.

[Hidden]

I totally understand...we have a son w/a son who doesn't speak to us...there is so much pain there I don't think it ever goes away...you learn how to deal with it & realize it isn't you ..it's them! You never know what the future will bring & hopefully they will realize yes we made mistakes along the way...they don't come with a manuel, wouldn't that be nice! Nothing we did was with bad intention! Anyway back to it.. I pray they do get it before it's too late!! Peace my friend! XXX

[Go_Girl40 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, a manual might aliviate making mistakes. This is the first time I've reached out publicly about this and although my hubby knows, we don't talk about it. Only once in the past 45 years have I told another person because it's just too painful to talk about and from fear of being judged.

I'm sorry for what you are going through too so you can really relate .

Jim and I live in a retirement community and I just wonder how many here have similar situations and don't let anyone know. I know harboring a tragic past is not the solution. Since the beginning, I've had counciling, take antidepressants and stay occupied. I call it PTSD. After I confided in my son about this separation he, a minister, wrote a letter 7 years ago not to contact him, his wife or 4 kids ever again. That almost killed me. I'm in contact with my two daughters and 4 grandsons but they only call or send a card on mothers day.

[Hidden in reply to Go_Girl40]

Did you ask for forgiveness? I did ..he did not forgive...that makes it on him..my wish is that he truly learns how to love without forgiveness how does one know love? I've put it better hands now...time will tell! I really feel for you & am so very sad for you! Try to work just a little at a time of letting go if only for an hour or two! Be kind & gentle to yourself....you deserve that & more!!! XXX

[Go_Girl40 in reply to Hidden]

Asking for forgiveness and being refused makes no sense. Thanks for your reply it was good to air this. Now at 78 (is that really me?) I'm finally going to move on with my life and just concentrate on all the good I can do for others.

[Hidden in reply to Go_Girl40]

Well I did ask for forgiveness & he refused to forgive me. You have the right attitude! I wish for you peace! xxx

[BJOO]

Have you considered taking steps to help you become secure and confident in doing things on your own and when you are alone? Then you wouldn’t be quick to rely on someone else for emotional support. So when a relationships meets, each can help the other, and work together to find their balance. If the relationship doesn’t work out, you will still have yours to leave with because it was shared and cannot be taken away. Just a thought but hope that helps in some way. I know you can make it through this. And if it’s not meant that the two of you remain together, don’t give up. You can decide to stay strong when you understand that you are important, you are valuable, and you're here for a reason. Decide today that you're going to let in only positive thoughts, negative thoughts not welcome! Your determination to do so will help you in the long run. Take care!

[Go_Girl40 in reply to BJOO]

Have you ever had your children kidnapped? Are you replying because of your experience in living without your children?

[BJOO in reply to Go_Girl40]

I’m so sorry you had and now have to go through all this pain. There is hope though. When considering that you were doing the best you could at the time for your children. And you did so knowing you would get them back to live with you. You could ask them to forgive you. Since they all seem to be well-adjusted with successful marriages, they could try and put the past behind and forgive you. Forgiveness on both sides does wonders for peace of mind and heart! I truly hope your children can forgive you, and vice versa.

[Linnea1]

Dear Go_Girl40 - I can't imagine the pain or how one would ever get over this. I'm glad you have a good husband, volunteer work, hobbies, and exercise. This seems like an appropriate situation for the Serenity Prayer. My hope for you is peace, despite this. The word "despite" is the operative word, assuming there's nothing else you can do to change this situation. May you get a miracle, my friend! I can't imagine losing 3 children. What a horrid thing your in-laws did! May you find peace.