It is a living death to be without your children. Times were bad, their father was a womanizer and an abuser and I divorced after two precious daughters. Then he got me pregnant again and refused to let me leave the house and shamed me as if it was my fault. A beautiful boy was born after I left him with my two girls to live with my parents. He followed, continued to harass me. Long story short, I could manage just fine on my own with three babies and without child support but then I lost my job and everything else. His parents (the paternal grandparents) said they would care for the children while I got back on my feet. They lived 900 miles away. Then they never let me have them back. Sure I made many mistakes like not asking for welfare or financial assistance of any kind. Our family was above asking for help.
The years dragged on with lawyers trying to get my own children back. Seven years later I was allowed to see them only for a few days. The pain and suffering my children went through without their mother is irreparable. Sure I suffered every minute of every day but so did they. Now they will not speak to me and as much as I'm told them how much I love them, they are not there. This all happened 45 years ago and although I have a few friends and a wonderful husband I live in limbo because I don't know how to remove these memories of mistakes I made.
So how can I not love them and have a life. They are all professionals with families and successful marriages. I married 15 years ago, have everything in the world I want, am very active in volunteer work, hobbies, and exercise. My kids will not accept anything from me, won't call, write or visit. How can I let go of this pain?
Please tell me