I’m so alone and scared. I wake up every morning with horrible anxiety about being alone. I get maybe 6 hours of sleep. I have no one to talk to, no friends or family. I’m afraid I’m going to end up in a hospital because I fear I will no longer be able to take care of myself. I worry because I have no one to call for help. If one thing goes wrong, my car breaks down and I’m unable to get to work I’m in trouble, I commute 32 miles to work and no one would be able to drive me. And I live almost paycheck to paycheck. It’s a constant spiral of negative worrisome thoughts. I can’t make it stop and I’m afraid.
I’ve lost so many people in my life as many of you know. My childhood was so happy and secure. I often think back to that time when I was younger, I had family and friends around and very few worries. Now I have nothing to look forward to. So I live in the past, and dwell on those happy times. It’s all I got.
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Shutterbug65
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Wow do I feel for you! I'm more than happy to be your friend, the only ones I have are on here...my heart has plenty of room for you!! Love & Hugs!!! XXX
I've read back over the many comments and suggestions you have gotten on your other posts and just can only say...you may want to work on some of the various suggestions you've gotten from so many people.....it's you that has to do it...no one can do it for you. We cannot change the past, living in the past keeps us stuck, we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, it's not here yet so we can do nothing about that...but what you can do is change your attitude about today, and what you can do to change what your not happy about....join groups of like minded people, start going to movie's, listening to live music, anything but staying in a rut day after day.....things don't change unless we change them.
I know I’m the only one who can change things. I’ve been stuck in a rut for to long. Actually a lot of different ruts. I’m just unhappy. I’m 53, I’m loosing my teeth, so I’m very self conscious. I don’t have dental insurance and to have what I need done is very expensive. My job doesn’t provide health insurance so Im on Obamacare. Next year I don’t know if I’ll have any insurance because it may be to expensive. I’ve made some bad life choices and now I’m paying for it.
I’m sorry if it seems I dwell on my problems but there significant to me. And having no friends or family around only exasperates it. Ending my life certainly has crossed my mind, though I have never attempted it.
Shutterbug...If u have seen some of my posts u will see I'm in the same boat ...I am having the same repeated negative thoughts every morning about how isolated I am now...I'm 48....Its like the film Groundhog Day !!! I wake up...only I am thinking I'm totally alone/abandoned and then the panic starts and I have to get up and distract in some way....but like u I just feel stuck...I relate so much to what youre saying...but I just read fauxartist reply and its so right...no one can really help us but ourselves....we can all support each other..which in itself is a great thing like today...I'm feeling a bit panicky about going out myself but I know I either give in to the thoughts bullying me into thinking I'm not even good enough to walk down the street....or...stuff it...I'm going for a walk because its a beautiful sunny day ( very rare in Scotland Shutterbug) Ha... but yeah...of course your problems are significant to u....but to dwell...and I do too...just makes us spiral even more...Message me anytime u want....and please discard any thoughts of suicide...ive been there myself....but weve got to try and be positive.... Sending hugs
hello my friend.....I'm glad your pushing through this too....we all have had a time in our life when we just feel so fearful, and at times hopeless....I have many times....I'm in my mid sixties now, and one blessing now for me is....I'm actually okay right now, sure I have my mood swings....but guys....both of you can do this too.....even if it is just going for a walk and getting our of your head....it's something so simple to some people, but such a huge step for others of us. I was seriously stuck in an apartment for almost 2 years working through enormous grief and loss. I cut myself off from everyone, I isolated completely....didn't want to go out the door. I understand what your going through somewhat from what I experienced....One day out of the blue...I just woke up and decided to screw all my fear, and hopelessness, and regrets, and just walked out the door and went out into the world again.....it was bumpy, nothings perfect....but I'm living again...
Good to hear from u my friend You have shown a lot of strength I know how difficult it can be and ive ended up hospitalized through wanting the pain to end...I'm happy to hear youre ok right now its only right now that matters and ive tried hard to keep that in mind....I took myself out the door today...I felt panic but still I carried on and went to a local park....I did feel very isolated and alone...especially when u see families together...but I reminded myself that there are lots of people all over the world feeling the same way...and I just tried to stay in the moment as they say and enjoy taking some lovely photos...it takes a lot of courage to overcome so much....but as u said...u got up and decided to walk outside and thankfully things changed for u....it does give hope to us all ....I am really grateful to have such kind supportive friends like yourself who try to help even though they have been through so much themselves....that says so much .....I have a support worker who visits once a week just now and she keeps saying ..why don't u ever visit your family for some company they only live 10 minutes away( My 2 older brothers) both of them are the abusers from my childhood....I tell her the people I speak to on this site have been kinder than they ever have...I don't see them as family...
I hear what your saying about not wanting to have any contact with your abusers....and because they are family...again a lot of people are on this: forgiveness thing, like that will absolve the abuser of all sin....well....not so much.
I know I had to forgive myself for beating myself up for all those years...but when I tried to confront my mother about her abuse....she did the usual throwing a fit, screaming and yelling....so I walked away almost ten years ago now...and never looked back.
When the abuser sees in their mind that they have done no wrong because they are just narcs. or sociopaths....they don't need or want your forgiveness....and they will never change...it's all about them 24/7....so you have to learn to stop kicking a dead horse like you and I have...and protect yourself and work on your own healing. People who have had a fairly decent family experience just cannot grasp that concept of not wanting to be with a family member. But you and I are learning to make our own loving family....all be it a non conventional one....such as our friends here and those we do have in our lives we trust enough, it's what works for us.
Hey I know that if I was to visit my brothers again that it would be a matter of time before the aggression started to show towards me...especially the one who was diagnosed with NPD.....he has been vile since I was a child...feels superior to everyone( in his mind ) and I truly believe I'm a target due to being female and with my condition he sees only vunerability and it makes him feel powerful...My support worker thinks that he might have changed (Ha) because he is now a member of Jehovah Witness for over a year.....she obviously doesn't know the lengths a Narc will go too....I admire the fact u removed yourself especially from your mother...That must have been difficult for u ...but u cant change them because they seem to think they've done nothing wrong....How do u get through to someone who denies any wrongdoing? I now know that ive been co-dependent around these people and it really messed me up...I felt so lost and thought I couldn't live without them when I first stopped visiting them...it was as if I needed them to feel I was of any value.....so crazy when it was them that done the damage....I agree ...we both know what hell weve been in and are now looking to meet decent friends/family....someone said to me....A trusted friend is your best relative that's so true....sadly for us...we haven't had a healthy functioning family...I never knew what that looked like...the worst part is without knowing it...u can then go on to meet someone exactly the same as the abusers and not even know it....as I did...I spent nearly 20 yrs without knowing I was with another Narc....this has caused such trust issues ....
I also gravitated in my early years to relationships with emotionally unavailable partners who were either narcs or abusers ....didn't know why or what it was all about.....couldn't understand why I was so unhappy.....they say you tend to stay with what you know...and both you and I only knew life with narcs and sociopaths....and we still were looking for that validation and love we didn't get growing up....and yes.....being co-dependant.
Now I am dealing with a passive aggressive...and it's tiring. It's the only thing my partner and I have an issue with is this person. It's a whole different thing for me in my life time of experience, but I'm used to dodging bullets thankfully.
My trust issues are finally for now in check for he most part....I still keep people I don't know at arms length....but thankfully here....I've been able to feel okay enough to talk about stuff. But the scars never go away completely, and never will from what I understand in therapy. Just as this depression will never go away either.
Hey friend Been away on a break for a few days...good to clear the mind if only for a few days I hope youre having a good day...I agree....after all the abuse we then seem to attract more of the same without even knowing it....like were magnets to these horrible people...Sorry youre having to deal with a passive-aggressive ...not an easy task....you've had enough to deal with in life...I'm happy you feel you can talk on here...and you help others too remember and that's a good thing I too struggle with the depression my friend but we cant let it get to us...we have had a hard battle that's for sure....but we are strong we keep going....
thanks pal....I used to think I was a magnet too , until I realized it was me that had to change the kind of people I let into my life.... 'light bulb moment'....
I thought..gee...what's to change...I'm a nice guy....what's the problem....and then in therapy I was told that we repeat history if we don't change our course...okay...what was that and how do I do it....I found I was gravitating towards the same personality's as my mother's ....emotionally unavailable...because I knew they wouldn't last, and if I needed an out...it was already there.
Yeah...crazy...well....then I had to UN-learn doing that...how...I was clueless. I had to work on my fears...and to find someone who was there for me, loved me for who I was...didn't want to change me...and understood my abandonment issues. It was a tall order and didn't think it was possible for me to have a normalish relationship. I was told we attract people in our lives who are at the same 'Wellness' level we are. So....I had a lot of work to do....and it's taken years. I will always be a work in progress...but now I'm okay with it.
Yeah I get it So because of the abuse in childhood ..we ourselves are more likely to allow these people in...instead of being selective and finding decent people...Did you ever realize early on with someone that they were emotionally unavailable? I just couldn't see it at all...but I just knew that for some reason they made me feel low in self esteem and my depression got worse...but I couldn't figure it out...that's really interesting...so you would pick woman who had the same personality as your mother and I would pick the same only with a guy and it was my father that was emotionally unavailable...wow..when I had argued with my ex one day..i remember saying to him ...he reminded me so much like my father and I was right...I would feel like I was the child again back with my father...I am so happy for you my frien that you went on to meet someone..as you said...a tall order...but shows your strength of character no one would ever understand how abuse can affect us nearly all our lives..unless they have gone through that...I spoke to a very close neighbour today and she was asking if I'm going to find someone again...and I was saying until I can understand myself now and begin to trust again...I couldn't see it happening...she said youre still youngISH ...HaHa....and a kind person....but that doesn't matter until I can truly work out a way of changing myself....I would rather be alone than ever go through another bad experience...
I picked men too, I'm not a guy but a gal..it's a saying here 'I'm a nice guy'...both men and women say it, like calling all your young ones lads....
I picked partners that had the same emotionally unavailable personality traits as my mom. And no....for a long time I never saw it coming...weird...just slid right into it like an old chair you were comfortable sitting in. Now I see that truck coming before I get run over again.
Yep...we are nice people and that's what is attractive to narcs...they don't have that in them...we make them look good...and pay the price for it.
If I can change....you can too....but it's a lot of work isn't it...it takes time. I really didn't start tackling that issue till I was in my 40's....it was a real revelation for me. So there is always hope....but I would prefer to be single than ever go through that hell again with a narc. partner. And I was single for a good while...it was okay, I didn't mind really.
So sorry my friend....Haha I took it you must be male...at least I,ll be familiar with the term now....I got caught up in the whole giving me gifts and then angry for a while thing with my ex...so I would just dismiss the angry part knowing he would go back to the nice guy again...cant believe I wasted 20yrs with him....You have given me hope that things can get better... being single was probably in a way good...it meant u could work on yourself more...I know I have a long way to go and its going to be difficult....chatting on here with you and the other lovely people has been such a good thing to do.....
I think when and if you want to have a relationship....the right time will present itself....as you are now at the beginning of this learning to spot the signs of a narc....they will charm the pants off of you....but then ignore the crap out of you. They are takers...and can't stand being alone, they need constant adoration...but at the same time it's only ever about them. Your only an ornament to them....their world revolves around what they want.....period.
I think I probably would like a relationship at some point ..but I know now I have to be stronger in myself/worth...I know all the trauma has knocked my confidence/self esteem for six....yeah my friend ...master manipulaters....gifts one minute then conveniently ignored the next...Is it all about giving these people a self identity that otherwise they feel they don't have? I know my ex seems to grasp onto any little thing to keep some contact....he will also copy anything I do...I get so annoyed with him...
Yes your right. I do feel like I’m on a downward spiral. I just want it to stop, I just want it to end. But whenever I think of anything positive inevitable I go back to my past. That’s where my happiness lies.
I can understand you wanting to think back to your past because u felt so much happiness there...but know that everything changes Shutterbug and it doesn't have to mean that you will never be happy again....I'm in a horrible situation just now but I try to now take one day at a time and try to focus on that...good or bad It is a trap of negative thinking and if u can find even one thing to break that cycle...u will see u can change ...I'm here to pm anytime and so are a lot of other good people...the people ive spoken to on here have been amazing....I'm grateful for that...youre not alone here...
Thank you. Someone once told me that Facebook is really a highlight reel of people’s lives, you only see the good stuff. I answered by saying, what if my life has no highlights? I got no reply. But that’s how I see my current life, like you it seems like Groundhog Day. I wake up early with bad anxiety, I feel lousy because I didn’t sleep well and now I have plow through my day, depressed, anxious and sad. Maybe because I feel time slipping away, I’m getting older and being alone especially in the states (Im in New Jersey) is scary. What happens if I get sick, or if something breaks in the house and I need help? I don’t have the support network that most people have. These negative thoughts are just so intrusive as you know, They just overtake my emotions. I’m just tired of it.
So thank you for your reply. I would very much like to message you. Is it cool and cloudy in Scotland? That how I picture it. Summers can be very hot in N.J.
Scotland can be mostly cool and cloudy...but by some miracle...we have had the most lovely weather for 2 whole weeks now Ha....Ive been able to take some lovely pictures this summer here ( love photography)...I understand Shutterbug...I have to drag myself through a day instead of feeling energetic like I used to...the fatigue seems to make everything worse...I'm really sorry about your partner...I read in your post to someone else....keep those wonderful memories and think that your partner wouldn't want to see u unhappy.....Yeah my mind often wanders and I worry about the future a lot...I think if most people are honest they don't like the thought f getting older and being alone...I love having a pet at home.calms my anxiety...Do u have any hobbies that takes your mind off things even for a while? I love painting ...I will try and put one on....its good therpy...
Yes hi. Well my name here kind of gives it away. Shutterbug, I also love photography, I have for many years. I even freelanced for five years in the 90’s. Photojournalism mostly. I find that through photography I can calm my mind. I live more in the moment, just waiting for the right time to press the shutter button. I enjoy street photography, I love going to NYC. I’m only a short distance by train. The buildings, the people and the light is ever changing in an urban environment. I actually feel calmer being in a city then the country. I think it has more to be about being around people, everything just combines to keep my mind focused on my passion. That sounds about right I guess. In the country I feel isolated again and even though the surroundings are calming I’m not. Does that make any sense? You would think it would be the reversed.
Take care my friend. Another lonely weekend is upon me.
I just wanted to say first of all have a wonderful week. And I absolutely worry about the future. I’m so afraid of being alone. I never worried about these things when I was younger, I just figured everything would just fall into place. I have a lot of regrets.
Take care my friend. And thank you. I hope the good weather continues in Scotland. I would love to see more of your pics.
Hey friend...How have u been? Sorry I'm just getting back...was lucky enough to have 2 days away in Loch Lomond....only 30mins away but still a break from all the anxiety I feel the weather has been so good here at the moment....I am the same sometimes...I feel afraid a lot and yes when I really look at it...it probably is about the future..although I was in a relationship for 20yrs and realized he was emotionally abusive...so I'm on one hand scared to be alone but on the other even more scared of ever meeting someone who was like him....life is unfair sometimes...I used to trust a lot ...I took some lovely pics of the scenery there...I will try put them on...I would imagine you would have some great ones yourself especially in NYC ...it looks amazing...I was laughing I didn't even think about your username being related to photography...I should have...I live in a town...lot of people ..lots of noise and ive always wanted to live in the countryside....when I go out I always head off for the quiet peaceful places...I was surprised to hear you feel more anxiety in the countryside...but then again...when we feel isolated or lonely I guess we will naturally seek out busy places...Have you thought of moving to the city?
Hi. So nice to hear from you. I’m glad you enjoyed your little getaway. It kind of refreshes the soul. And from how you describe it it sounds beautiful. I’m happy you had some nice weather to. When I think of Scotland I imagine bagpipes, kilts, lots of rocky hills with few trees on them, Loch Ness and Sean Connery. Lol. I know there is much more to your beautiful country. And by the way I do apologize for our President, ugh I can’t stand him, he’s an embarrassment.
So anyway I been just okay. I wake, get up and have breakfast, feed my cat and go to work. My anxiety has been horrible, and always in the mornings. I feel like because of a lifetime with anxiety I never did the things that would have benefited my life. I was always afraid to do anything different. And now I’m pretty miserable. I’m so sorry to hear about your horrible relationship, it’s sad the way some people treat the ones they’re supposed to love. I hope one day, when the time is right, you’ll meet someone who will treat you with respect and kindness. We all deserve that. Many of us with anxiety and depression tend to be much more sensitive to how others are feeling, and how they feel about us.
Well I have to go. Yes I would love to see your pics. Thank you for your message. Take care of yourself my friend.
Hey...How are u ? Loch Lomond is a 20minute drive from where I live...I love it there it really has stunning scenery....lots of people there visiting from America when I was there....seems popular....I stayed there for a few days...little log cabins by the loch.... theres a little shop that sells kilts and theres a piper who plays there at the loch for all the tourists lol President Trump....yeah I don't think hes the most popular guy around...there was a big protest here....Dump Trump lol
Youre situation sounds very similar my friend..dont know what weve done to deserve it....My mornings feel so frightening and the strange thing was ...when I was away and woke up in the cabin...I had no panic attacks....yet I have them every morning here..I also have a cat...it helps for comfort... I understand when youre saying you feel you never really done things to maybe improve your life due to anxiety...I also have suffered my whole life with anxiety and then full on panic attacks when I was 30 and my mother had passed away....she was like a best friend too....loss can be devastating...
Hi. I really hope your having a good day. I’m beginning to think I will never be in another relationship. I this point I would just settle for a friend. When I think about growing up I realize my grandparents did everything for me. I lived with them till I was 34, when my grandmother passed away. My Grandfather passed a few years earlier. But this far to long to live with ones parents. What do you think? But they didn’t seem to mind, they seem to like having me with them, and didn’t push me to get out the door. But at the same time everyone else my age were moving on, getting married, starting a family. I don’t know, maybe this is one reason why I find it so difficult to be alone. Now my life feels like a mess with anxiety and depression. My girlfriend passing in 2010, my dad in 2014 and other family members that I relied on when I was younger are aging. It’s an intense loneliness I feel, and also fear. Through the years I relied to much on others.
Hey ....Hope everythings ok ? I'm sure you will be in another relationship...you sound like a really nice person...Why wouldn't u find someone? I feel that way too...I think when we feel lonely our thoughts tell us the worst...I was still living with my mother until she passed when I was 30....My father had passed when I was 24...I met my now ex partner when I was 25 and was with him for 20yrs.....Yes I agree...I think in some ways we would maybe have progressed further in life if we had maybe been more independent....I think my panic is about being alone and maybe never finding the right partner....as I was saying...I had been in a abusive relationship and I would rather be alone than ever be with someone like him again....but I also know that there are lots of guys who wouldn't treat their partners in that way....thankfully Try not to let the fear overwhelm u my friend Keep talking I'm here Hope youre weekend has gone well....
I can relate. First I lost my fiancé, then my cat, then my dad passed away, then my mom had major health challenges I had to tend to. More recently another beloved cat died tragically. No one came to my aid and no one seems to understand why I'm feeling the way I do. Grasping for straws. Live alone with cats that I've taken responsibility for. I came here hoping I could develop a pen pal relationship with someone who understands.
Well I fully understand. I lost my girlfriend of nearly 9 years in 2010, my Dad in 2014 and my mother whom I never knew passed 11 days after I was born. Since my dad passed I’ve been on a slow decline, but things seem to have gotten a lot worse in the past year. Anxiety and depression have taken its toll, and I find myself completely alone. Oh yeah I do have a cat. My Dog that Kathy (my girlfriend) and I adopted together in 2002 died in 2016, and I’ve lost a couple of beloved cats that belonged to us. She loved animals. I know I live in the past because that’s when I was most happiest. Everyone I know has moved on. My girlfriend and I used to do so many things together, I loved her so much. And it’s been 8 years since her passing. Like I said a slow downward spiral.
So I know we’re your coming from and if your looking for a pen pal Im here.
Sorry about your loss. It's hard. My fiancé was my best friend and the only one who understood who I am. No one understands that kind of loss until they have to go through it. I've all but given up on finding that kind of love again in this crazy world, but having a good friend would be nice though lol
No one get tell you to get over anything or move on or forget your past- yes you have to do the work but when you feel down and alone it’s very hard to do that- I understand 100% how you feel! Even when I would talk to people that I thought were my friends they didn’t understand because they don’t suffer from depression or anxiety
Take one day at a time and do the best you can do for you- a small victory for me was getting out of bed and doing a load of laundry one day
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and please know you are never alone here
I wake up everyday with horrible anxiety and fear about my life and the direction it’s going. I worry constantly because if something goes wrong in my life I have no one to help. I’ve done a good job of isolating myself from friends and family through the years because of social anxiety. And now they have all moved on and progressed in life. They got tired of my excuses for not attending things. Also many people, especially those closest to me have passed away. So this is were I am now. Scared and alone.
I'm in the same boat as you. My father is elderly and my son (22) doesn't give a s*it about me. I have no more friends and no spouse. I fear dying alone. I try not to think about it, but sometimes it over takes my brain. I'm sorry you are going through this. Just know that you're not alone!!
I’m totally alone as well. I have no friends, except for those I work with. My family has abandoned me, I can’t say I blame them because I always had excuses for not attending family things. I’ve isolated myself. I’ve never been married and have no children. My girlfriend passed away 8 years ago, my Dad four years ago, and I gradually found myself more and more alone. Your not alone in feeling this way.
I'd only know I it's worth anything but if you ever want to chat you are welcome to chat with me.
I understand that youre 20 years old. I know that you don’t see anything positive now but there is way more to wait for!
I used to have suicidal thoughts and had seen only the problems falling over me. I beated that somehow. I see know how much I can still have in this life. Maybe I’m going to have my own kids one day!
I think it’s worth living! I’m sure that life has a lot for us, and we will be given :))
First of all, allow yourself to have fear. It’s a very real emotion and quite scary too. I myself have a lot of fears and worries in my life. Plus, I’m on medication especially for depression and anxiety. It helps a bit. But that’s better than nothing.
I hear you that you’ve suffered with the loss of loves ones. Growing up I had a large family. We we all close. Now everyone has scattered and some of them are deceased. I never hear from them unless I initiate the contact.
As for the loneliness, this site is tremendously supportive. Also if you’re up to it, a walk listening to classical music is good for the soul. Or sometimes, I take myself to a coffee house. It’s scary as I don’t know anyone there, but I’m around people. Occasionally I may have a conversation with a stranger if that arises.
Thank you for your respons e. My family like yours used to be close. I had a ton of cousins, as well as Aunts and Uncles. Many have deceased or like you simply gotten on with their lives. I have a deep regret never getting marrried and having children. I just can’t imagine being this lonely for the rest of my life. I’m just so self conscious and I’m constantly worrying what others think of me. Is this something that’s common among those of us with anxiety? I get nervous around people in a social situation. But In so afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. My weekends are so empty, I never have any plans. And like you I seldom hear from my family unless I contact them.
I miss being young, I’m 53 and the years are going by so fast. My life is full of regrets that I constantly ruminate about. I wish I was young again, a time when I was happy and carefree. And most of all a time when I had family who loved me and watched over me. We never think those days may end.
Thanks again MZ. You say In not alone but I certainly feel that way. Classical music sounds like a good idea.
Hi Shutterbug, you mentioned how much you love NYC, any chance you can go there on weekends, take pictures and just strike up conversation with people? Maybe start a new project, taking pictures of people in the city like a documentary, asking them questions. Dedicate yourself to a project that you love.
Hi. Yes I do go there on some weekends. Most of my instagram page is full of street pics from the city. I have thought about a project like the one you mentioned but I just don’t know how to get it off the ground. You need contacts and not only be creative but aggressive in this business as well. One of the three I have. I never been assertive and that’s why I’m a failure in life. I listened to much to people who said I wasn’t good enough, and that’s the way I always felt.
You my dear are not a failure!!! Don't even put that thought into your head, it's the disease talking to you,, tell it to get behind you! Lots of love & hugs!!! XXX
Well you have got to get that thought out of your head, like now, hahaha!!! I'm okay, it's nice to have my hubby with me for 2 days!!! How about you...are you feeling good???? Love & Hugs!!! XXX
Hi there. I feel exactly the way you do and its torture. Am so sorry you are going through this. Its the worst feeling ever. Do message whenever you want. Am sending you lots of positive energy and a big hug. You are not alone!
Thank you. I often feel like I’m absolutely alone. I have no one, other than the kind and supportive people here. I’m so afraid that as I get older I will need someone to help me. This is just one of many very worrisome thoughts I constantly think about. How do others cope with this? Being alone?
I know how you feel though my situation is slightly different I suffer from depression but haven’t told anyone because my anxiety over their answer won’t let me I can’t sleep no matter how much I want to but when I do I don’t want to wake up and face life I’m afraid of ending up in a mental institution because I’m scared of being insane and no matter how much I try I always feel alone and end up crying at night
Your definitely not alone in having thoughts of ending up in a mental hospital. I’m worried about that as well. And if it wasn’t for work and having something to do I think I would check myself in. And like I mentioned many times, my mornings are by far the worst time of the day, the anxiety and worrisome thoughts are just overwhelming, it makes me feel nauseous. If I get 5 hours of sleep that’s good. I used to be able to cry, but I can’t remember the last time I did. I wish I could.
For a time I forced myself to stop crying but that made it worse after a while but I’m glad to know someone knows what I’m going through, thought I don’t have something like work to since I still go to school and it definitely doesn’t keep me going
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like today...I'm feeling a bit panicky about going out myself but I know I either give in to the thoughts bullying me into thinking I'm not even good enough to walk down the street....or...stuff it...I'm going for a walk because its a beautiful sunny day ( very rare in Scotland Shutterbug) Ha...
Alone and Confused
Alone
Sad and alone 
