I have a deep rooted matter I have been avoiding for long time , But I feel the need NOW to face it .
I am a peace loving person but I can't accept wrong doing on me .
I have two much older brothers who were not nice to me during my childhood and teens . now they ask for forgiveness. I want to ..so I can move on and not everytime avoid meeting them , we are not on talking terms .
The problem is when ever I accidentally come face to face with one of them my heart start beating fast , my breathing become shallow and I start slightly tremble , not that I am afraid of them, No but because I try my best to suppress my feelings and dealing with them officially and I am pushing my self to face them and I don't want to .
Now I want to meet them but my problem is I don't want to have this symptoms. I don't want it to show .
I want to be calmer .
Can someone who understand my situation which I know is a childhood trauma .
What to do before meeting them and when come face to face with them and not being anxious.
Thanks for having patience to read my long message .
It sounds to me as though you may have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I would advise you to read up on it online and see what you think. There are also some good videos on YouTube. If you think it might relate to you, you can make some notes and then talk it over with your doctor.
If you do go forward to treatment for Complex PTSD, you need to make sure that you see a therapist with skills and experience in trauma focused therapy. It can make things worse if you see someone for 'regular' therapy that isn't trauma focused.
I have had EMDR therapy and it has transformed my life.
Please get in touch by PM if I can be of any help.
I tend to agree with Marnie here. Far too much of my own PTSD is likely caused by my own @^#*$&(* brothers as well. I enjoy the idea of peace because I have seen far too much of my share of violence in this world. While I don't advise it, ultimately one of the things that helped get my older brother off my back was beating him to a pulp.
Would it be possible to talk things out with them? Perhaps with a mediator to help you stay on track and not feel intimidated? I know you said you're not on talking terms, but maybe there's hope there if they are in fact willing to make amends?
Many times I've heard of people writing letters they pour their souls into, telling the ones that hurt them everything they ever wanted to say. That's a peaceful, cathartic option.
I've also heard good things about EMDR but never go into an office to pursue it so I've focused on cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure therapy... and medication... ugh.
Like many others, I have found some help in writing out my thoughts as well as meditation. It offers a chance to get some perspective or self-reflection without judgment.
One good thing here is, you have a lot of good options if you want to get past this and are a peaceful person!
Just my two cents but it doesn't sound like you are ready to forgive them. Not yet.
Maybe it'll happen further down the road, maybe it won't. It will be what it will be.
Does the meeting have to be solely for you to pretend to be over something you aren't? If you go ahead and say something you don't mean, it could cause further issues and confusion down the road.
What about using it as an opportunity to express your hurt and maybe even set up some boundaries and explain what you need from them?
Either way, in really emotionally intense situations, it's makes sense to feel strongly about it. That's one of the ways our species navigate life and social interaction. So i hope you don't feel you have to shut that off.
Of course, there are positive ways to express and explore those feelings and much more negative and unproductive ways...
I don't know if I am ready or not ..I just want overcome them ..and don't occupy my thoughts in a negative way any more ..I am putting my faith in my God to guide me through this .
I too have childhood trauma from an abusive family. What you are experiencing is normal. I realized recently that you can forgive and that doesn't mean you need to allow people back in your life.
You don't have to face them, meera. Abusive people usually only apologize for one reason and that is to boost their ego. You are not required to face them in order to love and respect yourself. You can be a good person and never face them again but forgive them in your own heart for yourself. It seems like you experience what I do, guilt, low self esteem, low self worth, lack of confidence in yourself and what you know is right. If I were you and I kinda am, I wouldn't face them until YOU are ready.
I recently blocked every member of my family. There was a reunion for my dad's 80th I didn't go to. Bc right now I need to get stronger for myself and being retraumatizd is not in the cards for me by MY choice. At first I felt worry, what will they say? More bad things I'm sure. Let em talk.. I know me and I know my heart.. Then guilt, am I making a big deal out of nothing?? No. I'm not. Now, I'm focusing on me in a positive way like I never have before. What they did and do was and is WRONG despite their manipulative attempts to turn it to me. I know in my heart now. The obvious physical abuse and verbal abuse I always knew was wrong. It was the psychological abuse that had me really messed up...
I just saw your replay Pikki ..Good for you ..if you feel this is truly the right thing to do till your more gathered and much stronger . I wish you all the peace and happiness.
Pikki thanks for your concerns..I know one thing is true that if you run away hard from something it will follow you even harder ..and I want to close this chapter ..I am not young any more I am in my begining forties..and they are in they are in there end of forties..they come home to visit my mom so I have to face them one way or another ..I don't want to avoid them ..they told my mom they only want peace ..Pikki I don't have guilt, low self esteem, low self worth, lack of confidence in my self thankfully ..I know my self , my worth..of course one might feel low , unsure of him self ..my desire is I want to be calm when ever they come and I meet them and Don't want them to notice my uncomfortablness because I have anxiousity for a long time and recently I decided enough is enough I am trying to handle it in situations that trigger it the best I could .
After God the book dare helped me a lot it say to face what ever makes you anxious till it doesn't have this affect on you ..
I will face it I have no problem but how can I control my heartbeating and breathing .
I notice it last a few minutes then at the beginning of the meeting then I start being my self again .
That not only with them I feel this way with every situation I have to confront someone with ..because I am honest person And like to confront rather than being silent with something wrong .
Late to the party, I will disagree with everyone here and you might not be ready for this but.....
I actually think you suppressing those feelings (one of them being certainly grief + insert all the hurt you've suffered) is bad. They say they want peace? Well let them see the pain they've caused and how far it has gone. Vulnerability is NOT weakness, show them what they've been avoiding and SPEAK your truth.
You might have to do this in a safe environment at an approppriate time and maybe with someone that loves you who can be the one to support you and say it's time to go if they're not receptive. But if they are willing to make amends and have an honest conversation, there's only reconciliation and relief to gain from this. And obviously you won't be feeling perfectly fine from one day to an other, maybe you'll have to meet multiple times, but forgiveness is a journey.
And if they are but a wall to your pain, if they choose not to acknowledge you and don't take responsibility for their actions, you will understand they have made that choice and your work is done. You don't owe them anything anymore and certainly any contact.
But you do owe yourself healing and psychotherapy is where you can work on your self.
Your anxiety is but a symptom of your unhealed wounds so don't think for a second that you have to protect them (those who hurt you) from the long term pain they caused.
You saying you don't want to have those feelings or show them, means you will allow them to possibily do this to others (yep, you don't know!) because their victims will just cower and hide in fear.
Don't get me wrong you don't have to play Joan of Arc, but you can at least get therapy and have the support necessary to say: I will give you peace, when I reach my own peace ..and clearly your body is showing you're nowhere near that! And nobody would expect you to be trust me, they are clearly triggers (of your trauma) for you.
Hi Ongaku666 ,I am not trying to play Joan of Arc , I want to live in peace in true sense , this matter took most of my childhood , teens , and youth .
They did try through all this past years to make amends .
And when you said speak the truth , believe me I did in so many confrontations with them , I am an honest woman what in my heart I say it as it is .
The last confrontation happened a month ago , they want forgiveness .
I always maintained a distance with them , it's just that it took so many years of my life .
I know most of the families have this kind of strain situations and one have to deal with it and face it one way or the other to be able to move on .
They are not the center of my life and they never would , I never let them ruined my happy moments, Actually I put them so far away from that they want to have a brother sister relationship .
True vulnerability is not weakness , also being a person have since childhood tendency to anxiety is not WEAKNESS , I am a creative compassionate sensitive soul which I see it as my strength.
I just have to deal with my anxiety issue , and I am trying .
I am glad you've spoken and dealt with them and have kept distance and stayed safe for your own sanity and wellbeing 👍
I understand now why you want to work on your anxiety and that is certainly going to take time, a lifetime even for most of us.
You will definitely find ways to cope with it, but that'll require talking/brainstorming with someone like a therapist who can give you advice and teach you coping mechanisms suitable for you. And of course talking about your experience will have positive effects in the long term anyway.
Hope you find the support you need and are able to make small meaningful changes
I find that self talk helps me in similar situations.
When I know I'm going to deal with a difficult situation, I will start with the self talk as soon as I can.
I first had to figure out what my fears were (mine were fear based.... yours may be based in something else.... whatever the base feeling you have is what you want to approach).
My base fears are not belonging and safety.
So, my self talk addresses those specific fears.
I am safe.
They are not here to hurt me.
I am not in any physical danger.
I belong in.... name the place or family, etc.
I do this self talk as much as I need to get though it. For me, the key is starting before I get into the situation that causes me to shake and lose all logic.
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