MY GF HURT ME

[anxiousalexis]

My gf and I have been fighting and it’s just been going in circles and I just don't know what to do. It's hard to summarize because context is key. But for starters, I struggle with my birthday because I fear growing up and losing my youth. So, she knows I need all the support I can get around my birthday. I also wanted to go on a trip with her and some of my family to new york city. but during this planning with her and stuff, she was asked to go on a trip with her 3 cousins to europe and the dates fall on my birthday. she had first told me she wouldn't go but then reconsidered saying that and thought about it and talked to her parents because she wanted to come back for my birthday but they're uncomfortable with her traveling alone internationally, so it looked like she wasn't gonna make it all for my birthday and I just felt very hurt by it. And she knew I'd be hurt by it. But she ended up turning it around and saying how terrible I am that I want her to pick me over her family. we already struggle with her and her family being a priority before me and she knows my feelings with it. so this just really hurt me. because even though the trip wasn't set, she still chose that over me. but she's saying im mean and wrong to feel this way and not want her to go. which i told her I want her to go. just the timing is unfortunate. my first birthday as us as a couple and a time that is very hard for me. Plus, was planning to go on my own trip for my birthday and she knew she was the one I wanted most. We’re now a week from her trip and she’s gonna come back a couple days before my bday but the plans I wanted changed because she chose to do this and I’m trying to be okay with it but im resenting the trip and it’s causing me a lot of anxiety. I need help because I’m having a hard time moving on

[Sabbath1]

So like.. is she going on the trip with you too tho?

[anxiousalexis in reply to Sabbath1]

no because she chose this one and it changed all my plans because my family wasn’t even a forsure thing but me and her were

[Sabbath1 in reply to anxiousalexis]

Oh. I'm sorry.

[Dolphin14]

This is painful and you are hurting. Is it possible to do both?

🐬

[anxiousalexis in reply to Dolphin14]

thank you and at the moment, no. im trying to be as supportive but im still hurting

[Dolphin14 in reply to anxiousalexis]

Of course you are. You had different expectations so being hurt is understandable.

I hope you will be able to do something special together on your birthday. It's not going to be what you wanted but at least you will be together

[LilyAnnepuppy]

Try to be happy for her that she’s getting to go on vacation. If your relationship is strong you’ll have many more birthdays to celebrate with her. Plan something nice for yourself on your special day.

I’m sorry you’re upset.

[anxiousalexis in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

im trying. i just don’t feel like a priority and it’s hard getting passed that

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to anxiousalexis]

I think it’s a normal human trait to want to feel special. There’s nothing wrong with that. But my expectations set me up for disappointment. People often don’t do what I want them to do.

[anxiousalexis in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

Yeah, my expectations are something i struggle with but i also go above and beyond for my loved ones. my anxiety is just feeding off of this and making it harder than it is. i want her trip and my birthday over with and move on

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to anxiousalexis]

I think it’s good you realize it’s your anxiety is causing your dissatisfaction. That will make it easier to not be mad at her for taking some self cre.

[xojayx]

Hi.... I understand you 10000%. My girlfriend and I have had arguments in the past because of me feeling that she chooses her family over me. As I am learning about my triggers and trying to better my mental health.... I have realized that her wanting to spend quality time with her family is OK. My feeling of her "choosing her family over me" comes from my past relationship trauma in feeling like I'm NOT the chosen one. I also make big deals about my birthday's and my son's birthday.... but I realized that it is just another day. There will be plenty of more birthday's to celebrate together. Her traveling to Europe would be an amazing experience anyone would love to have. Try to take yourself out of the victim mentality. Love is kind, compassionate, understanding, and free. Maybe this year you won't be able to go to New York together, but IT IS OK. If she comes back and still spends time with you for your birthday that is all that matters. You can go to New York another time. I know it hurt you, but it hurt you because of your expectations from her. Learn to not expect anything from anyone and it will help avoid disappointment when something does not happen.

[anxiousalexis in reply to xojayx]

Yeah, I’m trying. It’s just tough.

[xojayx in reply to anxiousalexis]

I know..... and it will be... but just try to breathe... you will be ok <3 happy early birthday <3

[012703060610]

I too find birthdays to be important. Growing up, we didn't have much and I never really had a party or friends over. I get it. Now that I have kids, I want to do better. For me birthdays do celebrate a person and their unique qualities. For years now, I've had to accept that birthdays don't mean a lot to several people. When I turned 40, I didn't hear from my best friend. Her youngest was born on my bday, so I get it. She was crazy busy. Then a month went by and normal texting and talking occurred. This past summer...two years later....we were visiting and I mentioned the 40th bday. She turned 40 before me and I did a whole surprise, clue gift game as we don't live near anymore. I even worked with her husband to make sure it was a surprise and he could give her the time to enjoy. Long story short, when I expressed my sadness by that (going through divorce too at time), she actually laughed. She said I can't keep anything straight with four kids and birthdays for her are a thing of the past. So I am trying to adjust my thinking. We can celebrate ourselves any day we want. I think I may have put pressure on folks when putting together birthday plans for others because they didn't want it. Oye. It does hurt and I totally understand. I'm trying to accept that many folks feel differently on the birthday topic. Heck, my sister turned 50 and wouldn't answer the phone. Ha. Thanks for sharing with us and I hope you can find a way to still enjoy your exact birthday but maybe even extra days!

[anxiousalexis in reply to 012703060610]

thank you for taking the time to respond. my anxiety is just feeding off this right now and making it more difficult

[Diamond99]

hi it’s nice to meet you I am so sorry that you are going through this tough time I would just sit down and talk with her about how you feel and take time for you two and see what you both want and need from each other because yes family is important but also if you are seriously dating that person is also important too and she needs to understand that because you needed her to be there for you I am here for you if you need to talk or need a friend

[anxiousalexis in reply to Diamond99]

Thank you so much. I appreciate it. This has been an issue an our relationship. I’ve told her about it when small things happened and she obviously said she’ll do better so when something like this happened, it just really really really hurt. I think I’m fighting more with myself because I wanna be okay but like it’s still unfair to me. She says that she wants to be everything for me and marry me but like can never show I could be a priority when it’s her family wants or mine. So, it’s tough for me. Because I don’t want to tell her to choose me over her family. I just want her to balance it better