I am 24 year old boy. The memories I have of my childhood begins like this along with other things, I remember my elder cousins showing me their penises, though I was reluctant to look at them. I was only 4 or 5 years old at that time. I was a sissy kind of guy who was bullied by other guys in school and by other people as well for behaving girlish sometimes. This gave me a feeling of worthlessness and insecurity ( though I am a handsomely grown male now and many girls like me). At a very early age( 5 or 6 years) I started searching for an emotional support due to that childhood bullying and teasing and while searching for emotional connection, I had a kind of sexual abuse by a schoolmate who found it easy to force it on someone like me. Later on I started developing obsessions to look and touch penises of elder men in search of a connection( I was 5 or 6 they were 20 yrs above and up to 30 or 40 as well). The urge was always very strong but as soon as I completed the task I always felt guilty, ashamed, perplexed and that continuously shifted from one person to another. I didn't want to have sex with them but when I touched them they wanted to have it with me and forced it on me sometimes, it was painful, hurting and as a child I was not able to understand what was it. However it went on and on. Later on I have realized that this is not the kind of life I want, I have given up on this though sometimes the urges appear. I have problem in connecting with my friends, I am afraid I don't start developing those obsessions for them and that would ruin my friendships. I have fought depression also and sometimes variety of anxious thoughts come into my mind. Sometimes I develop social anxiety due to that reason because I have to meet and see all those people with whom I had all those encounters as a child and as a young boy. I am afraid of my future as well because although I don't have any problem with LGBT people , but having urges for everyone you see is too much confusing, shameful and mental load. One cannot run behind everyone all that day to look at their penises. Moreover I don't want to have sex with them, I find them ugly, dirty, but still I have that urge.
I know it is so confusing for everyone to understand but if there is anyone who can say any helpful words, will be heartily welcomed. It is like living in a hell of thoughts .
Help me out please
Written by
Parveen_Kum
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
Do you have feelings towards girls as well .. or the feelings are only towards male .
Will suggest you discuss with some counsellors/ doctors .. so that you get your identity right .
Sometime overthinking of same thing again and again makes us like an addict . Especially at young adulthood stage .
You need to break the routine and try find some other hobbies which you like .
Further , such experiences are not only painful but also very dangerous and can result into transmitting diseases. Be careful and responsible now since you have now grown up .
Find out who you are both mentally and physically.. do meditation and do counselling both will help you out to come out what you are .
Firstly thank you for the reply because I really needed those words.
You have asked about my feelings towards girls.
Let me explain it like that:
I internally want to have an understanding wife who can love me. I want to have my children with whom I can play with. I want to have healthy relationships with my friends. Girls also attract me sometime emotionally as well as physically. I had been in physical connection of some extent with one of my girlfriend and I still remember that intimacy but I gave up on her because of those compulsions that made me realize, I am deceiving her.
You are right that I have to take my own responsibility at that stage and I am already on that path.
I am fine with how it is going on right now. I am not working as my compulsions want me to. I have some good friends(boys)as well, with whom I don't want anything else to do rather then hugging them tight and feel the sense of connection with them. But sometimes this also makes me to feel as if I am doing something wrong to them in a fear of future that I may develop sexual obsessions regarding them.
These thoughts have made me to scare from so many things and I think I developed a kind of generalized anxiety disorder(my own perception) moreover I sometimes get afraid to consult a counsellor as I overestimate that they will say me to accept myself as a bisexual or gay, that I don't want to do (although I respect the emotions of those people). Because sex with men has never been satisfactory for me, it was just like I was thirsty, I drank water, but the thirst remain there.
It’s quite a good explanation of what you going through .
Because of your childhood , it may be you got fascinated with penis (the way a kid get fascinated for cars /dolls ) and you wanted that toy , although after that you have to go through the punishment.
Somehow , it has gone deep into your mind and fascination still remains and hence you feel doing it now .
However, as kid grows up and realised the fascination to toys was kidish , you need to move on from it .
However , it will be easier said than done as it has put scars in your body and mind .
You need to heal them and I think meditation will be right way to heal them .. practice mindfulness meditation and letting go or forgiving everything .
As far ppl who have done it to you , frankly speaking should be behind bars .. as an adult they are the culprit and not you .. so you should not feel ashamed or guilty .
Best way is move on .. but if they cross again in your life , take stringent action against them .
Wish you luck to introspect yourself through meditation 🧘♂️.
Actually it is not being gay or straight that is giving me anxiety sometimes. It is the all time attraction that gives me problem. Because in the heart of hearts I don't want to have a life long relation with a gay partner. I would rather prefer to perform celibacy and remain unmarried than do that. I know a lot of bisexual on social sites and I talk to them but I don't want to give a try of sex with them. I know I will not be loyal with them because after having done that with them in day, I will have those feelings for different person at night. It has happened to me few number of times when after having kind of sex (it has always been up to oral from my side, until it was forcefully anal) I regretted for what I have done to the relationship that I shared with another person.
I want to mention here, I can live without having sex with anyone and I have managed to do that from last three months(no masturbation, no porn, no sex chats that I used to do on daily basis 14 hours a day) and I am happy with that.
It is just like I don't want to be a slave of my body, no matter whether it is about being gay or straight or bisexual. I think not all gay people might be sexually attracted towards the penises of each and every man that come in their way and not all straight partners be sexually attracted towards each other.
Is it possible for me to maintain my will power to such an extent to come out of this trap and maintain an emotional relationship with my good guy friends who love me as a friend.
I think you may just need to talk seriously with a qualified professional about helping you define where your coming from as an adult and your sexual identity and help to stop associating blame and shame with sex, which should be a healthy and normal thing between two consenting adults. I am not the morality police and don't believe in all the stigma and judgement that goes along with sex. But if your having all these bad feelings around it....it just sounds like sexual identity confusion and social stigma around sex and sexual identity is at issue for you, as you stated:
'I gave up on her because of those compulsions that made me realize, I am deceiving her'.....
I have to say that pretty much says volumes to me that you may need to explore that side of yourself....if your gay....then you are... so what. The problem is the blame and shame, and the fact that the sex with men is more like a thirst to be quenched and there is no sexual gratification for you, and the aftermath of your abuse in your adult life. The myth is: because a boy was sexually abused by men or other boys this turned you gay. This is simply not true. Many men who had been abused as boys by men are not gay. I don't know if this is a cultural taboo as well in your life....but others here have shared about their coming out fears because of their culture....religious dogma is a factor for many as well. But you really can only get to the root of all of what your going through and have gone through with a professional. As we here can only speak from what we personally have experienced or from our own interpretations which is at best just opinions and summations.
I am very glad your sharing about this and exploring these issues for yourself, I think it's very healing and I hope it helps you .....these are very kind, open, and non-judgemental people.... but still we are not professionals.
That’s great advice Parveen...I hope you take it to heart! Seek professional help and be open and honest with them as you have been here. I’m wishing you peace!
I am 24 year old boy. The memories I have of my childhood begins like this along with other things, I remember my elder cousins showing me their penises, though I was reluctant to look at them. I was only 4 or 5 years old at that time. I was a sissy kind of guy who was bullied by other guys in school and by other people as well for behaving girlish sometimes. This gave me a feeling of worthlessness and insecurity ( though I am a handsomely grown male now and many girls like me). At a very early age( 5 or 6 years) I started searching for an emotional support due to that childhood bullying and teasing and while searching for emotional connection, I had a kind of sexual abuse by a schoolmate who found it easy to force it on someone like me. Later on I started developing obsessions to look and touch penises of elder men in search of a connection( I was 5 or 6 they were 20 yrs above and up to 30 or 40 as well). The urge was always very strong but as soon as I completed the task I always felt guilty, ashamed, perplexed and that continuously shifted from one person to another. I didn't want to have sex with them but when I touched them they wanted to have it with me and forced it on me sometimes, it was painful, hurting and as a child I was not able to understand what was it. However it went on and on. Later on I have realized that this is not the kind of life I want, I have given up on this though sometimes the urges appear. I have problem in connecting with my friends, I am afraid I don't start developing those obsessions for them and that would ruin my friendships. I have fought depression also and sometimes variety of anxious thoughts come into my mind. Sometimes I develop social anxiety due to that reason because I have to meet and see all those people with whom I had all those encounters as a child and as a young boy. I am afraid of my future as well because although I don't have any problem with LGBT people , but having urges for everyone you see is too much confusing, shameful and mental load. One cannot run behind everyone all that day to look at their penises. Moreover I don't want to have sex with them, I find them ugly, dirty, but still I have that urge.
I know it is so confusing for everyone to understand but if there is anyone who can say any helpful words, will be heartily welcomed. It is like living in a hell of thoughts .
Help me out please
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Reply to Parveen_Kum
8 Repliesoldest • newest
Grimreaper
Grimreaper
5 hours ago
Dear Parveen
It’s traumatic childhood you have gone through .
Do you have feelings towards girls as well .. or the feelings are only towards male .
Will suggest you discuss with some counsellors/ doctors .. so that you get your identity right .
Sometime overthinking of same thing again and again makes us like an addict . Especially at young adulthood stage .
You need to break the routine and try find some other hobbies which you like .
Further , such experiences are not only painful but also very dangerous and can result into transmitting diseases. Be careful and responsible now since you have now grown up .
Find out who you are both mentally and physically.. do meditation and do counselling both will help you out to come out what you are .
All the best 👍👍
1 likeReply
Parveen_Kum
Parveen_KumGrimreaper
4 hours ago
Dear,
Firstly thank you for the reply because I really needed those words.
You have asked about my feelings towards girls.
Let me explain it like that:
I internally want to have an understanding wife who can love me. I want to have my children with whom I can play with. I want to have healthy relationships with my friends. Girls also attract me sometime emotionally as well as physically. I had been in physical connection of some extent with one of my girlfriend and I still remember that intimacy but I gave up on her because of those compulsions that made me realize, I am deceiving her.
You are right that I have to take my own responsibility at that stage and I am already on that path.
I am fine with how it is going on right now. I am not working as my compulsions want me to. I have some good friends(boys)as well, with whom I don't want anything else to do rather then hugging them tight and feel the sense of connection with them. But sometimes this also makes me to feel as if I am doing something wrong to them in a fear of future that I may develop sexual obsessions regarding them.
These thoughts have made me to scare from so many things and I think I developed a kind of generalized anxiety disorder(my own perception) moreover I sometimes get afraid to consult a counsellor as I overestimate that they will say me to accept myself as a bisexual or gay, that I don't want to do (although I respect the emotions of those people). Because sex with men has never been satisfactory for me, it was just like I was thirsty, I drank water, but the thirst remain there.
Waiting for your kind comments
Reply
Grimreaper
GrimreaperParveen_Kum
4 hours ago
It’s quite a good explanation of what you going through .
Because of your childhood , it may be you got fascinated with penis (the way a kid get fascinated for cars /dolls ) and you wanted that toy , although after that you have to go through the punishment.
Somehow , it has gone deep into your mind and fascination still remains and hence you feel doing it now .
However, as kid grows up and realised the fascination to toys was kidish , you need to move on from it .
However , it will be easier said than done as it has put scars in your body and mind .
You need to heal them and I think meditation will be right way to heal them .. practice mindfulness meditation and letting go or forgiving everything .
As far ppl who have done it to you , frankly speaking should be behind bars .. as an adult they are the culprit and not you .. so you should not feel ashamed or guilty .
Best way is move on .. but if they cross again in your life , take stringent action against them .
Wish you luck to introspect yourself through meditation 🧘♂️.
1 likeReply
Parveen_Kum
Parveen_KumGrimreaper
17 minutes ago
Thanks dear ...it really helped a lot. I will consider every advice that you have discussed.
Reply
fauxartist
fauxartist
3 hours ago
I think you may just need to talk seriously with a qualified professional about helping you define where your coming from as an adult and your sexual identity and help to stop associating blame and shame with sex, which should be a healthy and normal thing between two consenting adults. I am not the morality police and don't believe in all the stigma and judgement that goes along with sex. But if your having all these bad feelings around it....it just sounds like sexual identity confusion and social stigma around sex and sexual identity is at issue for you, as you stated:
'I gave up on her because of those compulsions that made me realize, I am deceiving her'.....
I have to say that pretty much says volumes to me that you may need to explore that side of yourself....if your gay....then you are... so what. The problem is the blame and shame, and the fact that the sex with men is more like a thirst to be quenched and there is no sexual gratification for you, and the aftermath of your abuse in your adult life. The myth is: because a boy was sexually abused by men or other boys this turned you gay. This is simply not true. Many men who had been abused as boys by men are not gay. I don't know if this is a cultural taboo as well in your life....but others here have shared about their coming out fears because of their culture....religious dogma is a factor for many as well. But you really can only get to the root of all of what your going through and have gone through with a professional. As we here can only speak from what we personally have experienced or from our own interpretations which is at best just opinions and summations.
I am very glad your sharing about this and exploring these issues for yourself, I think it's very healing and I hope it helps you .....these are very kind, open, and non-judgemental people.... but still we are not professionals.
2 likesReply
GratitudeFirst
GratitudeFirstfauxartist
2 hours ago
That’s great advice Parveen...I hope you take it to heart! Seek professional help and be open and honest with them as you have been here. I’m wishing you peace!
Reply
Parveen_Kum
Parveen_Kumfauxartist
14 minutes ago
Thank you dear. I will consider your comments
Reply
Parveen_Kum
Parveen_Kumfauxartist
in a few seconds
Please take a concern for this also ...
Actually it is not being gay or straight that is giving me anxiety sometimes. It is the all time attraction that gives me problem. Because in the heart of hearts I don't want to have a life long relation with a gay partner. I would rather prefer to perform celibacy and remain unmarried than do that. I know a lot of bisexual on social sites and I talk to them but I don't want to give a try of sex with them. I know I will not be loyal with them because after having done that with them in day, I will have those feelings for different person at night. It has happened to me few number of times when after having kind of sex (it has always been up to oral from my side, until it was forcefully anal) I regretted for what I have done to the relationship that I shared with another person.
I want to mention here, I can live without having sex with anyone and I have managed to do that from last three months(no masturbation, no porn, no sex chats that I used to do on daily basis 14 hours a day) and I am happy with that.
It is just like I don't want to be a slave of my body, no matter whether it is about being gay or straight or bisexual. I think not all gay people might be sexually attracted towards the penises of each and every man that come in their way and not all straight partners be sexually attracted towards each other.
Is it possible for me to maintain my will power to such an extent to come out of this trap and maintain an emotional relationship with my good guy friends who love me as a friend.
5
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Parveen_Kum
Parveen_Kum
6 hours ago•8 Replies
I am 24 year old boy. The memories I have of my childhood begins like this along with other things, I remember my elder cousins showing me their penises, though I was reluctant to look at them. I was only 4 or 5 years old at that time. I was a sissy kind of guy who was bullied by other guys in school and by other people as well for behaving girlish sometimes. This gave me a feeling of worthlessness and insecurity ( though I am a handsomely grown male now and many girls like me). At a very early age( 5 or 6 years) I started searching for an emotional support due to that childhood bullying and teasing and while searching for emotional connection, I had a kind of sexual abuse by a schoolmate who found it easy to force it on someone like me. Later on I started developing obsessions to look and touch penises of elder men in search of a connection( I was 5 or 6 they were 20 yrs above and up to 30 or 40 as well). The urge was always very strong but as soon as I completed the task I always felt guilty, ashamed, perplexed and that continuously shifted from one person to another. I didn't want to have sex with them but when I touched them they wanted to have it with me and forced it on me sometimes, it was painful, hurting and as a child I was not able to understand what was it. However it went on and on. Later on I have realized that this is not the kind of life I want, I have given up on this though sometimes the urges appear. I have problem in connecting with my friends, I am afraid I don't start developing those obsessions for them and that would ruin my friendships. I have fought depression also and sometimes variety of anxious thoughts come into my mind. Sometimes I develop social anxiety due to that reason because I have to meet and see all those people with whom I had all those encounters as a child and as a young boy. I am afraid of my future as well because although I don't have any problem with LGBT people , but having urges for everyone you see is too much confusing, shameful and mental load. One cannot run behind everyone all that day to look at their penises. Moreover I don't want to have sex with them, I find them ugly, dirty, but still I have that urge.
I know it is so confusing for everyone to understand but if there is anyone who can say any helpful words, will be heartily welcomed. It is like living in a hell of thoughts .
Help me out please
Skip
Featured Content
Have you taken your needs assessment?
Find and address the needs that are potentially affecting your health and wellbeing
Featured by HealthUnlocked
Helpful Mental Health Apps
ADAA's Reviewed Mental Health Apps
Featured by Anxiety and Depression Support
Reply to Parveen_Kum
8 Repliesoldest • newest
Grimreaper
Grimreaper
5 hours ago
Dear Parveen
It’s traumatic childhood you have gone through .
Do you have feelings towards girls as well .. or the feelings are only towards male .
Will suggest you discuss with some counsellors/ doctors .. so that you get your identity right .
Sometime overthinking of same thing again and again makes us like an addict . Especially at young adulthood stage .
You need to break the routine and try find some other hobbies which you like .
Further , such experiences are not only painful but also very dangerous and can result into transmitting diseases. Be careful and responsible now since you have now grown up .
Find out who you are both mentally and physically.. do meditation and do counselling both will help you out to come out what you are .
All the best 👍👍
1 likeReply
Parveen_Kum
Parveen_KumGrimreaper
4 hours ago
Dear,
Firstly thank you for the reply because I really needed those words.
You have asked about my feelings towards girls.
Let me explain it like that:
I internally want to have an understanding wife who can love me. I want to have my children with whom I can play with. I want to have healthy relationships with my friends. Girls also attract me sometime emotionally as well as physically. I had been in physical connection of some extent with one of my girlfriend and I still remember that intimacy but I gave up on her because of those compulsions that made me realize, I am deceiving her.
You are right that I have to take my own responsibility at that stage and I am already on that path.
I am fine with how it is going on right now. I am not working as my compulsions want me to. I have some good friends(boys)as well, with whom I don't want anything else to do rather then hugging them tight and feel the sense of connection with them. But sometimes this also makes me to feel as if I am doing something wrong to them in a fear of future that I may develop sexual obsessions regarding them.
These thoughts have made me to scare from so many things and I think I developed a kind of generalized anxiety disorder(my own perception) moreover I sometimes get afraid to consult a counsellor as I overestimate that they will say me to accept myself as a bisexual or gay, that I don't want to do (although I respect the emotions of those people). Because sex with men has never been satisfactory for me, it was just like I was thirsty, I drank water, but the thirst remain there.
Waiting for your kind comments
Reply
Grimreaper
GrimreaperParveen_Kum
4 hours ago
It’s quite a good explanation of what you going through .
Because of your childhood , it may be you got fascinated with penis (the way a kid get fascinated for cars /dolls ) and you wanted that toy , although after that you have to go through the punishment.
Somehow , it has gone deep into your mind and fascination still remains and hence you feel doing it now .
However, as kid grows up and realised the fascination to toys was kidish , you need to move on from it .
However , it will be easier said than done as it has put scars in your body and mind .
You need to heal them and I think meditation will be right way to heal them .. practice mindfulness meditation and letting go or forgiving everything .
As far ppl who have done it to you , frankly speaking should be behind bars .. as an adult they are the culprit and not you .. so you should not feel ashamed or guilty .
Best way is move on .. but if they cross again in your life , take stringent action against them .
Wish you luck to introspect yourself through meditation 🧘♂️.
1 likeReply
Parveen_Kum
Parveen_KumGrimreaper
17 minutes ago
Thanks dear ...it really helped a lot. I will consider every advice that you have discussed.
Reply
fauxartist
fauxartist
3 hours ago
I think you may just need to talk seriously with a qualified professional about helping you define where your coming from as an adult and your sexual identity and help to stop associating blame and shame with sex, which should be a healthy and normal thing between two consenting adults. I am not the morality police and don't believe in all the stigma and judgement that goes along with sex. But if your having all these bad feelings around it....it just sounds like sexual identity confusion and social stigma around sex and sexual identity is at issue for you, as you stated:
'I gave up on her because of those compulsions that made me realize, I am deceiving her'.....
I have to say that pretty much says volumes to me that you may need to explore that side of yourself....if your gay....then you are... so what. The problem is the blame and shame, and the fact that the sex with men is more like a thirst to be quenched and there is no sexual gratification for you, and the aftermath of your abuse in your adult life. The myth is: because a boy was sexually abused by men or other boys this turned you gay. This is simply not true. Many men who had been abused as boys by men are not gay. I don't know if this is a cultural taboo as well in your life....but others here have shared about their coming out fears because of their culture....religious dogma is a factor for many as well. But you really can only get to the root of all of what your going through and have gone through with a professional. As we here can only speak from what we personally have experienced or from our own interpretations which is at best just opinions and summations.
I am very glad your sharing about this and exploring these issues for yourself, I think it's very healing and I hope it helps you .....these are very kind, open, and non-judgemental people.... but still we are not professionals.
2 likesReply
GratitudeFirst
GratitudeFirstfauxartist
2 hours ago
That’s great advice Parveen...I hope you take it to heart! Seek professional help and be open and honest with them as you have been here. I’m wishing you peace!
Reply
Parveen_Kum
Parveen_Kumfauxartist
14 minutes ago
Thank you dear. I will consider your comments
Reply
Parveen_Kum
Parveen_Kumfauxartist
in a few seconds
Please take a concern for this also ...
Actually it is not being gay or straight that is giving me anxiety sometimes. It is the all time attraction that gives me problem. Because in the heart of hearts I don't want to have a life long relation with a gay partner. I would rather prefer to perform celibacy and remain unmarried than do that. I know a lot of bisexual on social sites and I talk to them but I don't want to give a try of sex with them. I know I will not be loyal with them because after having done that with them in day, I will have those feelings for different person at night. It has happened to me few number of times when after having kind of sex (it has always been up to oral from my side, until it was forcefully anal) I regretted for what I have done to the relationship that I shared with another person.
I want to mention here, I can live without having sex with anyone and I have managed to do that from last three months(no masturbation, no porn, no sex chats that I used to do on daily basis 14 hours a day) and I am happy with that.
It is just like I don't want to be a slave of my body, no matter whether it is about being gay or straight or bisexual. I think not all gay people might be sexually attracted towards the penises of each and every man that come in their way and not all straight partners be sexually attracted towards each other.
Is it possible for me to maintain my will power to such an extent to come out of this trap and maintain an emotional relationship with my good guy friends who love me as a friend.
Actually it is not being gay or straight that is giving me anxiety sometimes. It is the all time attraction that gives me problem. Because in the heart of hearts I don't want to have a life long relation with a gay partner. I would rather prefer to perform celibacy and remain unmarried than do that. I know a lot of bisexual on social sites and I talk to them but I don't want to give a try of sex with them. I know I will not be loyal with them because after having done that with them in day, I will have those feelings for different person at night. It has happened to me few number of times when after having kind of sex (it has always been up to oral from my side, until it was forcefully anal) I regretted for what I have done to the relationship that I shared with another person.
I want to mention here, I can live without having sex with anyone and I have managed to do that from last three months(no masturbation, no porn, no sex chats that I used to do on daily basis 14 hours a day) and I am happy with that.
It is just like I don't want to be a slave of my body, no matter whether it is about being gay or straight or bisexual. I think not all gay people might be sexually attracted towards the penises of each and every man that come in their way and not all straight partners be sexually attracted towards each other.
Is it possible for me to maintain my will power to such an extent to come out of this trap and maintain an emotional relationship with my good guy friends who love me as a friend.
thank you for your clarification...and I understand what your saying....I guess since you were searching for explanation I sort of just wanted to spit ball possible scenarios but did get that it's the fixation not necessarily just the orientation as well...hence the best course for you would be professional therapy on this issue. My best wishes to you...
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Anxiety & Depression - Childhood Trauma
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