my life is a failure

I am sorry for this long and chaotic post. And for all the mistakes, I currently live in the UK but I'm from Germany, English isn't my first language.

I grew up with drug and alcohol addicts, my childhood was really crappy and I've experienced a lot of abuse. Unfortunately, I never got any support or directions and I ended up as a drug addict myself. I started doing drugs at the age of 15 and stopped when I was 26-27. I am almost 40 now. So I lost 12 years of my life. I was diagnosed with many things ( different doctors-different diagnoses) and spend quite a few years doing therapies - at the age of 27 I wasn't a functioning person. OK, I sort of turned my life around, lived on welfare, went to school, became an administrative assistant. Things weren't optimal, I had to leave , there were still wrong people and drugs around me.I moved to UK , went through some more hardships and worked as a health care assistant for minimum wages. I wanted to change my life, I wanted it so bad. I did Access to Higher Education, went to University, got a degree in Forensic Science . I went through job listings but they all want "excellent" , " strong background " , knowledge of different analytical technologies. Well, I had labs at the Uni , we did a bit of this, bit of that but do I remember it all? no. Am I an expert ? no. I went through all this job descriptions and I really could not apply for a single job. I carried wiping butts. I though maybe I chose the wrong course? I started a Masters in Cancer Immunology. It is super difficult, I am struggling but hopefully I will finish in September. I am looking at job requirements again and I cant find anything that I could apply for. Moreover, I cant write a motivational letter- I just cant sell myself- I don't feel like I have any REAL skills ( i did this and that at the uni but that's not a strong skill), I don't know how would I convince any company to give me a job if I would not hire myself. I don't know how to write a CV. I'm almost 40 and I have zero experience . How would I explain what did I do when I was young? i am terrible at interviews, back home i did some extra courses to get better job but I was so nervous I blanked out each time and went home with nothing each time. My entire life I was just doing some unskilled jobs- cleaning, fast foods and hca. I don't know what was I thinking when I began my studies, how could I be so naive. An Another, unavoidable failure is coming soon, I have no strength to face it again. I am so tired of 12 h shifts full of feces and urine. I am getting older so in few years I wont have strength to do such physically demanding jobs. I always knew i'm not as smart and witty as the rest but I thought I will find a spot for myself. And now I'm going to pay for my stupidity-years of hard work and struggle just to end up in debt. I am so depressed about it, about my whole wasted and useless life I lost my motivation for studying for my exams in April. Why should I even bother. Why should I even get up in the morning, I think about ending this all together. I contacted NHS to get some form of therapy but NHS is completely broken- I've been moved from one waiting list to another ... I have no money for any private form of therapy. But now I am getting to the point that I don't know why should I bother with any therapy. I don't feel like listening some motivational pep talk or " trying to look at it from a different perspective"

I got to the point where I know I completely failed at everything, I am a waste of space, waste of resources. i'm just so done with myself.

I'm sorry for this post, I am not expecting any solution, I just had to get it off my chest- I don't have any friends .

Maybe it will cheer somebody up- when you realize you're not doing THAT bad.

[Hidden]

Don't give up, you are not a failure!!!! Is there some kind of career counselor you can talk to at the school??? Maybe some of the classes you've taken can transfer to something different. Maybe there's a way you can get someone to help you with the CV. I'm 50 and I'm going through a very rough time myself. This pandemic has everyone going crazy. This is a time of transformation. It's great that you got over being addicted to drugs, that is an accomplishment in itself. Do not sell yourself short.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your kind words but this is my reality. Unfortunately I can't transfer it to anything else- my subject is very specific. But it doesn't matter , I have a degree in Forensic Science ( which is basically analytical chemistry) and so what - I haven't sent a single job application and I never will. I just got into debt. That is my major achievement.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

We are all living in a very un-normal world these days with the pandemic and all the political division and on and on it goes. Give yourself a break. All is not lost. I'm 50 and I've been through a lot myself. In life you play the hand you were dealt. If you're really concerned about the debt you're racking up, it makes sense to take a step back and think, what should my next move be? What would be the wisest thing for me to do? I would seek out some school counseling services, they might not have all the answers but they might have some suggestions of things you could do or try that you haven't heard of or thought of. I'm thinking is there any type of assistance or any partial type of scholarship you could apply for to try to keep the debt down? Look at all you have overcome. You're not addicted to drugs anymore. You've got some education behind you, you know about a lot of stuff that many other people don't. I myself can get really down on myself too, seeing everything through a negative filter. These are tough times these days. We have to try to find inspiration and hope any way we can. 🦋

[lillyofthevalley37]

I think it's amazing that you have gained a degree and now doing a masters ? What sort of job did you want from your degree?

[Hidden in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

my idea was to work in the field of cancer immunotherapy- these are novel cancer treatments that change our immune systems in the way that they can recognize and destroy cancer , its a next step in cancer therapy. Its quite exciting but actually meaningless in my case because I wont land any job, all I can do is wiping butts and cleaning.

I have gained my degree for nothing, I won't get any job due to holes in my CV and advanced age with no experience. Honestly, I look back and can only laugh about my stupidity.

[Sankissjuice in reply to Hidden]

I am in a similar problem as you. Same age.

[lillyofthevalley37 in reply to Hidden]

What about a job in a lab ?

[Hidden in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

If it would be lab cleaning than I might be brave enough to go for it . I was thinking about cleaning labs, due to severe depression( right now )I wont try to change anything, I might try in September when I'm done with my masters

[Brighterdaysahead]

Hello

First of all let me congratulate you on what you have achieved...You have achieved more than most people...Don’t give up you are not a waste of space...I am in the uk too and my doctors have been absolutely fantastic with me...Have you done a self referral for counselling on the NHS website???

[Hidden in reply to Brighterdaysahead]

I have tried in 2017 but never heard anything back. In 2019 my GP tried to refer me to some clinic working with personality disorders . Never heard back from them either. Some months ago I've been informed that I'm on the waiting list for some form of therapy but that's about it .

[b1b1b1]

Oddly enough, your post reads like a tremendous success story. Talk to a career counselor at your school, as suggested by Googoodollsfan, and do study for your exams!

[Inviswave]

You described my dilemma quite accurately, with only a few substitutions. WOW, I am not alone. Albeit farther down the road by 14 years. You still have a chance. Me, not so much.

[Hidden in reply to Inviswave]

how does your life look like

[Inviswave in reply to Hidden]

No drugs or alchohol or sex or gambling. A lot of education wandering around in different fields . Mastering none. My skill set is not even remotely close to any job in this area . It is discouraging. Not much to do about it now. It seems the more I know the less is required. ie.....minimum wage jobs. BS Environmental Science, 4 years Navy Tech, Hazmat Router,chemist, driver. You do the math. Now it seems like only customer service jobs are available.

[Hidden]

Hi. Sorry you are having a shit one. try ‘Rethink’ for some support or ‘MIND’. Mental health services are seriously underfunded.. Contact your social services department for an assessment. Your GP should also be linked into support services from their surgery. You have to play the game and go for the long haul... They offer CBT which is a bit crap and then be further referred.... it does take years to ‘finally get there’ in terms of appropriate support.. waiting lists can be years long.. Your life has been a shitstorm yet you are still here! Yay for you!!

Day at a time is all i can recommend... this too will pass.... your present will be part of your past... I’m not being trite.. I’ve been there.

Also get MH support at your university if you are still studying... also with reference to gaps in employment just say you had ‘debilitating health issues that improved to the extent that you could do a STEM course....

voluntary work for experience and live off benefits...

Look for opportunities for researchers at universities etc...

You are not a complete failure if you do not cure cancer in the next fortnight.. TAKE CARE.... you are much stronger than you think.

ALSO. You do not have to be strong 24/7..

you are allowed a rest... ALSO. CHOCOLATE XXXX

[Hidden]

Also read up on Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder C-PTSD. You are part of a very large club.....

[Melanie66]

Hidden

[Melanie66]

This message is for hidden ...please go on you tube and listen to a guy named Gabor Mat’e.. you will find answers that will help more than any therapist ....he truly has answers that give you such clarity and hope .....he changed my mind also my whole outlook xxxxLainie 😘