A Garden

[LittleDucky]

As I've come out of the intial shock and devastation of being let go from my job, I've really been rolling around in my thoughts. I have had some revelations that I would like to share.

Most of this is stuff I already knew, in an external way. These are things I've spoken about to my patients in group therapy and individual sessions. I've been keenly aware of my issues for a long time, but have had difficulty applying what I know to how I think and behave. And that is one of the big things that occured to me; we cannot fix ourselves entirely on our own because we externalize so much of our knowledge and wisdom. I have been trying to be my own therapist, trauma counselor and life coach for ten years now, and yet, here I am. Getting fired for having emotional meltdowns at work, where I coach people on avoiding emotional meltdowns! The irony is painful. But it is a good lesson. Having the knowledge does not equate to being able to change. There has to be someone on the outside providing support and guidance who is of a nuetral relationship to you. This is why therapists have their own therapists!

It also occured to me that I say things like "I'm really impulsive", "I'm really shy", "My brain doesn't process directions well". I'm describing symptoms of my mental illnesses as if they are personality traits or chronic medical diagnoses. My brain processes information just fine when I am relaxed and energetic. But due to having anxiety, I am rarely relaxed and always tired. Therefore It is difficult for me to control ADHD symptoms related to informtaion proccessing and response. This is not a death sentence. I say, *I* am impulsive, but that may not be true. I don't know what I am because I have not learned the skills to control the *symptom* of impulsivity that shows up mosty when I am feeling stressed out and anxious, which is all the time at any job because I put so much pressure on myself. It's also been all my life as I cannot remember a time when I was not anxious. Therefore I have not known a time when I was not having impulsive behavior. So part of the journey I am now on will be getting to know who I am, and seperating Me from My Symptoms.

I put so much pressure on myself as a trauma response to the years of abuse and wildly unrealistic expecations my father put me through. It's not really me putting pressure on me, it's an echo of a life I am healing from. This means I can ignore it. In fact, I can ignore every dark, hateful, invalidating thing I think about mysely, because they are not my thoughts. They are messages I received as a child, a time when we internalize and make permanent everything we are 'told' in reference to our value as a human being. The truth is, now that's for me to decide. I choose if I'm valid and loveable. I choose if I deserve good things in my life. Echoes have no say in how I feel about myself anymore.

Lastly, I was thinking of my mind. I visualized a garden that has so much room for growth and was desperate to bloom, but hadn't been tended to adequately. When I imagine my mind like this, as something waiting to bloom instead of something holding me back, I can be more loving toward myself. I do not need to punish myself with shame and guilt, it will not help me bloom. If I water my mind and give it light, it can finally feel alive. That's really all I want, is for most days to feel like something I want to be alive for.

Pardon any typos, I swear I proofread this five times and I still keep findng them.

[Jeff1943]

I'm sorry you've lost your job but from my long years of experience people always seem to end up in a better job as a result and I'm sure you will be no exception.

We hear that many people are experiencing anxiety and depression due to the Lockdown and repercussions of Covid19 so I would expect therapists are going to be in greater demand and this will assist your return to the world of work.

Anxiety disorder and the depletion/depression that it can cause are not difficult to understand though some mental healthcare professionals like to present them as extremely complex. But as you say, merely having the knowledge does not mean you are cured. That comes only with practice and persistence.

1. In many cases anxiety and depletion are inherited. But once we learn to deal with episodes we can use that experience beneficially whenever the bad feelings return.

2. Anxiety becomes a disorder when it reaches a level that our mind and nervous system can no longer tolerate. The cause may be over work, toxic relationships, loss, grief, guilt, disappointment, abandonment, money worries, the list is endless, the result the same.

3. When we reach the tipping point our nervous system becomes over sensitive and in this state we exaggerate by a factor of ten all the normal problems and concerns we have. A tummy ache becomes a tumour, a new manager means I'm going to be fired, muscular tension in the chest area becomes heart failure. Or we cannot leave our home because our over sensitized nervous system magnifies insignificant dangers into imminent threats.

4. Respite and recovery depend on desensitising our nervous system by replacing the fear on which anquished nerves thrive with temporary acceptance of the symptoms of anxiety disorder. We need to agree to coexist for the time being with the bad feelings knowing that they can do us no permanent damage as the power of anxiety is limited. Gradually Acceptance replaces fear.

5. Properly managed, Acceptance pacifies over sensitized nerves and eventually we regain our quiet mind. This of course is the therapy devised and advocated by the late Doctor Claire Weekes who outlined her method 50 years ago in her first book titled "Self help for your nerves" (U.K. edition) and "Hope and help for your nerves" (U.S. edition). The title of her biography published last year sum her up her success perfectly: "The woman who cracked the anxiety code".

It is said that every adversity brings with it the seed of a greater benefit. In your case, your experiences with your own anxiety give you unique insight that other therapists do not have.

I wish you well both in finding a new position and in your quest for personal recovery.

[notanotter]

I love the garden image - I'm going to save your post. Also I can see you’ve really been thinking deliberately about what happened and why. It’s so TRUE!! Knowing is almost the easy part; change only comes with action. And even then it’s hard! And so helpful to have a guide rather than go it alone.