Why do I hate myself so much? My journey to self love.

[crystal27]

Hello everyone, I'm new here. I am a 26-year-old female suffering from anxiety, panic attacks and depression. The past few years has been one of the toughest times of my life. Not because of any catastrophic events in my life, but because my anxiety and depression has never been worse. Overall on the surface my life may seem perfect through others eyes. I graduated college with a dual degree with a 4.0 GPA, got a great career that pays really well, I have a loving and supportive husband whom I have been with for over 5 years, supportive family and I am physically healthy and well! So when I tell others that I am unhappy with myself and my life, a lot of people have a hard time understanding what I am struggling with because on the surface everything seems completely perfect.

The issues that I am dealing with are all internal, my metal state. I have zero confidence and am extremely insecure. I am literally my own worst enemy. Most of this roots in my upbringing as I always worked to make my parents and family proud but feel like I never received the validation I was seeking. In my parent’s eyes, I had to be the best and I could always do better and improve. Fast forward though high school and college and here I am as a young adult who did not receive the validation and support I was seeking from my parents. As a result, today I am extremely negative, insecure and am constantly dwelling in the past and what I could have, should have done. Recently my panic attacks have gotten significantly worse, happening once or twice a week sometimes. Along with that my depression has come back from my teen years. My panic attacks follow with self-harm where I bang my head to relieve stress. I am constantly sad and crying, even at work. And I feel so sad and alone inside, to the extent where I think about ending my life. I feel like I am worthless and that I do not deserve this life that was given to me. I don’t like a lot of things about myself and hate myself for everything “bad” or “negative” thing I do, think and say. I am constantly comparing myself to other and set unreasonably high expectations of myself. I believe the source of my issues all root in my insecurities and how hard I am with myself. Once I achieve something, I seek out another task and obstacle to overcome, never stopping to appreciate what I have accomplished. This year I am focusing on self-love and learning to love myself for who I am. It’s been really hard and I keep finding myself falling into the negative habits.

I have seen several therapists on and off and have taken medication for my anxiety and depression. The therapists I have seen have not helped much and I have lost hope. I try to regularly exercise and do yoga classes as I was told this helps with relieving stress. I try to do little thing every day to love myself and try to recognize that I am a good person and improve my self-esteem but it’s been really tough. My progress is like a roller coaster; some days I feel like I will get better while during the worst days I want to die. My relationship with my husband has been greatly impacted with my problems. He tries to understand but still has a hard time grasping my triggers sometimes. This has all been going on and off for the past 3 years, with the past year being the worst.

And here I am, on this form to try to connect with others who are going through the same things I am facing. I just want to hear how you all have or are currently dealing with anxiety, depression and improving self-esteem. I feel like I have maxed out on all my options and am trying to seek other alternatives.

Any insight or advice you give would be greatly appreciated.

[Anonymous1234567]

Hi Crystal so sorry to hear about your struggles. I understand the feelings of never measuring up. While I do think our families put a lot of pressure on us sometimes, they do not realize our sensitivity to it. When we are self critical and others add to that criticism it is super hard to perceive anything we do as an achievement. Those are the negative thoughts that say you must do better, and it never ends.

I think with me, when I was younger, I always felt like there was a elusive something that I had to do to arrive at a place where I would be accepted and also accept myself. That never happened. Instead I spent years trying harder and harder and the more I did the more things seem to spiral the wrong direction.

If you can come to terms with yourself, and who you are that is what worked for me. I found some peace knowing I didn't have to be perfect and actually no one really likes that image of perfection we sometimes build up around ourselves anyway.

It took me too long to figure that out and I wasted a lot of time. But today I prefer taking things slower, doing what I can to help and support others, eat well, regular sleep and exercise, meditation, pray all of it. But the most important thing is be gentle with you.

I still have bad days but I know that they are a part of my depression and I care for myself from that perspective.

Not sure if this helps but it's how I choose to deal with it, and it does work. But there is no quick fix it takes time.

[MKatic in reply to Anonymous1234567]

Hi I can write you a book on your issues lol

[Anonymous1234567 in reply to MKatic]

[crystal27 in reply to Anonymous1234567]

Thank you for your response and kind words. I completely agree with you that I need to come to terms with myself. And that is why this year I am trying to accept myself for who I am. I want to love myself so I can begin fulling enjoying life and all my accomplishments.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

I too have problems with self esteem. It sounds like you are putting so much pressure on yourself. I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I am a mom. I was taught by my mom to show love daily. So as a mom I have continuously shown my child love and encouragement. Others though have a harder time showing approval and love. It may be how they were taught. Society seems to teach us to respond to bad behavior or trouble. Often times good behavior can be expected and although appreciated, not celebrated or recognized. Have you tried speaking to your parents about this?

As a mom I have to say, WOW! You are a highly remarkable woman that sounds very motivated, strong intelligent, successful and very compassionate. I am truly proud of all that you have accomplished in your life. That is certainly a lot to be very proud of and I’m sure your parents are very proud. Although it may be harder for them to express that. That is more than most people have accomplished. It sounds like you are doing so many positive things. I just wish you could see yourself through your parents eyes. I know that’s not possible but as a mom I know it would be beautiful. Please talk to your therapist about harming yourself. That’s so dangerous. You deserve so much better than that.

[crystal27 in reply to Hopeful-Tinkerbell]

Reading this made me smile. Thank you for that. It truly warms my heart knowing that there are others that understand me and are going through the same thing. I recently opened up to my parents about it and they have taken it well. We have been working to be closer and more supportive, it’s a process but we are heading in the right direction.

[Hopeful-Tinkerbell in reply to crystal27]

That is wonderful! Best of luck!

[mdwagner]

Hi! I deal with anxiety and panic attack’s as well, even when everything in my life is going perfectly. I completely understand how you feel. Ideally, you should be feel fine, because technically nothing is wrong on the outside, but you are absolutely dying on the inside. It’s hard for others to understand. My boyfriend is my ROCK and supports me and loves me when I don’t even know how to deal with my issues. Still, he doesn’t fully understand that I’m not in control, but he tries as best as he can. I completely understand how you feel and it’s great you’ve joined this community with others who are dealing with the same issues! You can get through this! ☺️

[Crazy-K]

Hello Crystal. I just wanted to reach out and say I am sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to your struggles with self love. Though my reasons for my struggles are different than yours, I feel like I can truly identify with how you are feeling.

I too am very negative and critical of myself. I feel like I'm stuck in this negative thought process and constantly worry about everything. I worry about how others feel and think about me.

From everything you said I feel like you have many reasons to be proud of yourself. List all those accomplishments you have achieved and think how impressed you would be if it was someone else other than you. You are amazing just the way you are and I think you sound like a very strong person.

Something I have been trying to do recently is treating myself how I treat others. I know that sounds backwards, but I treat everyone else way better than I treat myself.

It's hard but I think it may be helping me some. So when I'm having any bad negative thoughts I have been trying to stop and think about what I would say to someone else in my position. Then I try to keep repeating in my mind what I would say to help that person, only directing it to myself.

It's ​definitely taking a concious effort to do so. It still feels strange to me like I'm giving myself pep talks. I think it feels strange because, I'm just so used to feeling bad and talking bad about myself.

It is a better feeling though than when I keep the negative thoughts rolling. I feel like I'm at least doing something to try and be proactive about it more

I really don't know if any of that helps, but I wanted to at least reach out and try. I have found that coming onto this site and just talking with others who understand and are supportive is helping me out a lot too. I feel for you and I hope you start having better days soon. If you ever need someone I'm here. (Hugs)

[Jane3285]

Firstly hi and welcome!! Reading through your post I see you have alot of achievements you should be proud of. I completely understand where you are coming from though as my self esteem is extremely low too. I probably have a wonderful life to people on the outside looking in. We can't control our minds though can we.

[alfie19]

Hope you are feeling better I found doing mirror work helps by talking to yourself in the mirror the reflection of yourself telling yourself ...I Love You...You are beautiful... several times or just twice a day morning and evening will help to build up your confidence you have to live with yourself 24/7 So who is your best friend.. ITS YOU... So treat yourself with kindness

Start a journal list of all the things you would like to do and achieve that is your goal try and do them if you can if not it does not matter. I also found Praying to God asking him to send his Angels to help does work as you off load your mind asking for help.

When the help comes it could be in words in a song on the radio, words in a book, or something someone will say to you or listen to your Inner Voice put pen to paper after asking the words may come to you in your head which you have to write down cos if you dont the words will just go away and you will not be able to remember them. This could be the answer to your question.. Gods Angels work in mysterious ways. Always believe in God he will never let you down and always say Thankyou for what you have received.

[alfie19]

I understand how you feel as I also suffer from depression,anxiety, cfs. and other issues.

Be proud of what you have achieved I was told looking back at the past was a complete waste of energy and a waste of time cos we cant do anything about it or change it. But what we can do is to learn from past mistakes. Start loving yourself and looking after yourself look into the mirror several times a day and tell yourself either quietly or out loud... I Love You ...

The more you do this the more you will gain confidence and will start to feel better in yourself.