Anxiety and depression have always been a struggle for me. I remember first wishing I would die at the age of 7. I would lie in bed and hold my breath until my body forced me to breathe. For a long time, I was able to help myself. It was in 2015 when I first sought medical help. I started seeing a therapist/psychiatrist. Since then I have seen someone (on and off) on a regular basis. Lately, I feel like I can't catch my breath. I can't get a grasp on my life. I can't control my emotions. I can't do anything quite right. It's as if this darkness that covers my life is getting darker and heavier every single day and nothing I try to do to stop it helps. I have thought about suicide in depth but I know that I would never make an attempt - so there is no need for worry. I just feel as though dying is the only way I will get any relief. It is the only way I can stop messing up everything. Why am I like this? Why can't I have a brain like every "normal" person? I get so stuck on some things and they play on repeat in my mind incessantly and do not stop. How could anyone possibly want to deal with someone so broken; somebody so shitty? I feel like anyone that knows about my struggles just feels obligated to stay in my life - like if they go, they will be the reason for my inevitable decline. I feel as though everyone in my life feels obligated to fix me. I cannot be fixed. I have tried, trust me, I have done everything in my power to make myself better. Nothing works. I know "I am not the only one out there that feels this way," and "things get better," and every other cliche thing that people say to someone that is depressed. This time it just feels like I cannot pull myself out of this hole. I cannot help myself - my doctors cannot help me - medication cannot help me. What am I supposed to do? What things have helped you get out of this situation?