I wasn't sure where to post this but this seems fitting I guess. I need to get things out but I worry about being judged. Maybe because I judge myself the most. More than anyone could ever judge me. I beat myself up a lot.
Here's my (long) story...
I have everything (most) everyone wants in life and in a marriage so why can't I be happy?
I'm 47. I've been with my husband 22 years. Married 21 years next month. Since I was 25. Our marriage has been mostly great. We raised our children the best we could. We built our way up from eating eggs, potatoes and beans most nights to being comfortable and having everything we could want in life. Not rich by any means but we've grown in many ways. Children are out of the house now and I have 4 little grandchildren. I don't have to work which is good because of physical and mental issues, working has become almost impossible for me the last 5 years.
I've suffered from anxiety and depression since I was about 18. Depression probably longer. In some ways when I look back, maybe I was always a bit down but I never thought of it as depression. Just how I was and it didn't really affect my life so I didn't think it was a big deal. The anxiety and panic attacks hit me out of nowhere at 18. They were paralyzing me. Worst of all, I didn't really understand it. I never really heard of anxiety and panic attacks. I thought I was crazy so I didn't tell anyone. Not even my doctor. Thinking for sure they would lock me away. I suffered greatly. They were multiple times daily and debilitating. I was housebound most of this time.
I told my husband when I met him but he couldn't really relate although he was there for me. My safe place. It wasn't until I was around 30 and I knew more about it that I went to the doctor and got medication which improved my life in ways I can't describe.
Life went on. My husband and I have always got along very well. We had times in our marriage where we didn't really connect or communicate like we once did but I figured it's because we were both so busy. Even though we didn't communicate often, we were still very happy. We still had a fairly regular sex life. We still tried to do date nights. We turned to each other as each of our 3 girls hit the dreaded teen years and neither of us knew how we (or they) would survive this time in our lives.
We literally had nothing to complain about overall. We felt blessed and lucky.
6 years ago we decided to move across country. It was something new and exciting. We lived where I grew up. Where all my friends and family were. It was scary to move away from everything and everyone I ever knew but it meant opportunity for my husband to advance in his job. The girls were excited. Except my oldest one. She didn't move with us (initially) so that was hard but we made it. We were all excited about a new chapter!
It wasn't long after we moved and the newness wore off that I was hit with a huge wave of depression. I kept it to myself at first but soon it became obvious. I stopped wanting to go out as much. I slept a lot. I regretted moving and wished we could go back home but we couldn't and my husband didn't want to. I cried a lot but I tried to adjust. I saw my general practitioner doctor and he gave me Lexapro. The meds helped a bit but I was so lonely. I wasn't working because of some physical issues plus the depression so it made it impossible to make friends. I did a bit of volunteering but soon couldn't even drag myself to do that.
My husband didn't understand really. He had already moved away from his friends and family once when we got married so he felt no pull to move back to my hometown. He tried to be positive and so did I but I just couldn't. I was bringing down everyone around me and I felt horrible about it but no clue how to fix things. So I started faking it. For two reasons. First, so everyone would stop worrying about me and allowing my mood to overshadow everyone else's. Second, I figured fake it until you make it. I learned to adjust but never been truly happy here but also knew that I might not be happy back home again either. So much has changed.
All of the above is probably long winded and maybe not needed for my main reason for writing this but I just wanted to give some background for understanding.
My real problems, in addition to everything else I was feeling, started after we moved 6 years ago...
5 years ago I noticed a lump in my husband's testicle. I told him to get it checked out but he refused! He did self diagnose himself and he was correct but we didn't know for sure until about 3 years ago. For 2 years he refused to go to the doctor. For 2 years it grew and as it grew, it became painful for him. For 2+ years we didn't have sex. No matter how much I begged him to go he wouldn't. But, I still pleased him orally. I felt like he used it as an excuse to be lazy. To not take care of me anymore. I pleased him and got nothing in return. I felt unwanted and unloved. I cried to him and told him how I felt so many nights but nothing changed. I grew bitter. It felt like a chore to please him but I did it anyway. My feelings towards him and my marriage started to change. For the first time I wasn't happy. I thought about leaving but felt stuck. Plus, aside from the sex, I couldn't have asked for a better husband. He is so kind and thoughtful. The one that plans celebrations. That surprises me with flowers or a little scavenger hunt just for fun. We had the kind of marriage that others looked up to and wanted for themselves. Even our children want a man that does all the little things my husband does for me. He set the bar high.
He's not perfect. He's bossy. He controls our money. He can even be annoying like a big brother kind of way. A pest lol But it's always been that way so I was used to it. Him and I grew up completely opposite. He's judgemental of some of my past. Whereas I'm very non judgemental of people in general. We've clashed in those ways but it was never anything we couldn't overcome.
From the outside I was living the perfect life with the most considerate husband ever. But on the inside I was sad and lonely, as of 5 years ago when everything seemed to fall apart. I felt unwanted sexually and emotionally, which affected my self esteem greatly. I couldn't even tell anyone because I had no one to talk to plus I felt like no one would understand because they all thought my life was perfect.
This next part I'm not proud of but it's also not that shocking I guess. I was dying to feel wanted again and for affection. I ended up being swept off my feet by a man in an online game I played. He was there when I was vulnerable and made me feel alive again. I wasn't looking for it. I never dreamed of having an affair before this. It just happened and I loved the way it made me feel. I felt like a sexy woman again. I felt alive and beautiful and wanted. It became serious enough that we fell in love but we never had a physical affair because he was on the other side of the world or it probably would have progressed to that, if I'm being honest.
I felt bad about my deception but not bad enough to end it because of the way it made me feel so alive again. My husband noticed I was more preoccupied with my phone but I'm guessing an affair was the last thing he thought about. As my online affair progressed, my marriage became worse. We were like roommates. We barely talked. I avoided him when I could. He did his thing, mostly came home from work and watched TV until bedtime, and I did mine. I was glad he was leaving me alone so I could do my own thing. We were barely communicating at all anymore it seemed and I was so wrapped up into my own feelings that I didn't even care. I almost felt justified for my affair because I felt it was his fault. I know now that's not exactly true but that's how I justified it to myself at the time.
About 2 months into my affair, my husband finally went to the doctor and had surgery for his scrotal hernia. I wish I could say it was because of me and wanting a sex life and connection again but he did it because our insurance was about to change and he had to have the surgery fairly quickly or it would have cost thousands more. That reason alone made me even more bitter. That none of my tears and begging convinced him to get surgery but money did.
My online affair lasted 5 months before one day he just ended it quickly and basically ghosted me. I did not see it coming. He pulled the rug right out from under me. I was crushed. My heart broken. I couldn't stop crying and obviously my husband noticed. So I broke down and told him about my affair. He wasn't really shocked nor surprised. He shouldered a lot of the blame. He let me cry on his shoulder over another man. I felt so lucky to have him. But later that day the pain of my broken heart along with my feelings of guilt, something snapped inside of me and I just wanted to die. I felt like my husband should be furious with me. Him being understanding made me feel worse. I felt like our marriage would never be the same again because I did something unforgivable. I was broken and the stress of my hurt, guilt and uncertain future. The stress of sneaking and the up and down emotions with this other man... he played a lot of games with me... everything came out at once and I had a complete mental breakdown. I grabbed my bottle of pills and tried to swallow them all but I wasn't fast enough and my husband tried to wrestle them away. I don't know how many I actually swallowed but he called an ambulance. I was fine but spent 5 days in a psych ward. I was completely changed. I experienced things during this time I never had before and I was scared I'd never recover.
All of my senses were in overdrive. I could hear things most couldn't but they were real things and not in my head. I could hear a car 2 blocks away before anyone else did. By the time everyone else could hear it, it felt deafening in my ears! I could also smell everything which was pretty annoying. I didn't sleep for almost 5 days. Because of that I was hallucinating. Seeing shadow people. My mind shut down and so did my body. I lost 20 pounds in 5 days. I hadn't had a bowel movement in almost 2 weeks. I would forget what I was talking about in the middle of talking about it. I never had a mental breakdown before and I hope I never do again. I didn't think I would ever feel "normal" again and I was so scared. This was about 2 and a half years ago and in some ways I still feel like I haven't completely recovered. When things feel overwhelming now, I emotionally flatline. To where I feel nothing. My sister died a year and a half ago and I haven't even cried about it. I can't even process it. I just feel flat. I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I left the hospital. I take medication but I never have felt like myself completely again. I think I have PTSD from my mental breakdown, if that's possible.
My marriage was better for awhile once I came home from the hospital. We vowed to fix everything. My husband has never mentioned my affair or made me feel guilty about it. He let me talk about it if I wanted and just listened. We felt really close again and like we had a second chance and way to fix everything and really listen to each other. I clung to him. I couldn't have made it through my mental breakdown without him and i felt so bonded .
But his hernia and possibly leaving it untreated for so long left him basically impotent. He promised to do whatever it takes to fix the issues. He has viagra and he takes testosterone shots every two weeks. I wish I could say it fixed our sex life and our marriage but it hasn't. We worked really hard for a couple months after everything that happened and I was hopeful.
But after a few months, things just kind went back like they were. We don't even try to have sex anymore and he still has issues with impotency. Our marriage is barely hanging on. I won't say it's his fault or my fault.
Now he knows I'm not happy and he's not really happy either but in a different way from me. He's scared. It finally hit him that this could break us and that he played a huge part in letting our relationship crumble to where it is. I used to blame him too but I don't anymore. We both made mistakes that led us where we are now. He is trying so hard to fix everything. He is still a super husband that does all those little things that mean so much. He really does go above and beyond to make me feel special and loved. It makes it that much harder to figure out why I feel like I do now...
I can't let go of the pain of everything. Not just the pain he made me feel but of the pain I brought him too.
I don't feel happy anymore. He's not happy either and he tells me often which makes me feel like he expects me to make him happy. It's probably silly but I feel a tremendous amount of pressure all the time because i feel like he wants me to fix it and in turn make him happy. How can I do that when I'm not even happy?
I can't find myself wanting to have sex with him anymore, if he even tried. I feel lonely even when we are together. We tried marriage counseling a little bit but with covid it is only by phone and it just didn't feel right for us. We've read books on marriage. I try to pretend that things are getting better but I just don't think they are. I don't know if I've outgrown my marriage or if I'm just so depressed I can't be happy anymore. It's very distressing because I WANT to feel what I once did for my husband. I want to just be happy and see myself here forever. I still love my husband and he's such an amazing man but I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. God, I'd give anything to capture those feelings we once had but no matter what I do, I can't. Then I feel like crap because he's so hopeful. I try to tell him things are getting better (because he asks me often if I think they are and I feel trapped into saying what I think he wants me to say) but they aren't. I just don't want to hurt him. He deserves the world and someone that loves him the way he loves me. I feel like an asshole. I don't know if something is wrong with me or if too much as happened in our marriage. If I didn't care I wouldn't be here writing this. I care very much and I'm scared about the future. But I also can't see myself with anyone but him so it's all very confusing to me.
I need advice. How do I wake up my feelings for him again? Can I? Is it too late? Sometimes I think so and sometimes I just can't see a life without him. Maybe because I'm scared of leaving. Knowing what I'd be giving up. But do I stay when I'm not happy? It's driving me insane. I just want to love him and feel what I once did and I don't know if I ever can again. It's not fair to him either but I know he'd be beyond devastated if I left. Maybe I'm dealing with a midlife crisis. Maybe we need more counseling together. Has anyone else ever felt their feelings were gone but able to recapture them again?
Sorry this is so long. I'm a very detailed writer and I tend to go overboard but I just wanted to make sure I included anything that could possibly help fix my situation. Thanks in advance especially if you made it this far. I hope that I won't be judged too harshly. This is my first post here but I've been lurking for awhile and I felt safe to put it all out there.
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