Marriage

[Kat_21]

I married at 20. I truly think marriage changes people for the worse. I don't even feel like a wife anymore, I'm just a live-in babysitter. We don't talk, go on dates, take our son to the park, hug or anything like that. It doesn't feel worth it to me anymore. I feel like I'm wasting my life. He swears he loves me, but how can he when he won't even speak to me without yelling? I'm so lost and depressed. Instead of talking it over, he blames me and says it's all my fault. I don't know how much more I can take.

[GoldenMaknae97]

What have you tried so far? I think he should be willing to listen and realize that there is a greater problem up in the air before he gets angry.

[Kat_21 in reply to GoldenMaknae97]

I try talking to him about it but he doesn't seem to understand. It's like he doesn't validate my feelings. But talking is all I really know to do.

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to Kat_21]

that's awful on his part. If he says he loves you, he needs to show it with actions. Listening is an action. If you truly feel you have done everything in your power to be the best and he refuses to even listen or validate your feelings, then he does not deserve you. You don't need to explain your worth to him. If he doesn't see it then that is his loss. No company is better than bad company. Doesn't matter who they are, you should not beg him for the bare minimum. Stay strong!

[Kat_21 in reply to GoldenMaknae97]

Thank you. I'm the type that stays and hopes someone can change. We've had issues like this in the past. It's always "I'll get better, I want to be better. " but he never does better.

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to Kat_21]

OMG I am the same way...I have been staying in a relationship where I am constantly walking on eggshells because I am hopeful he will change or that it will get better...and it gets better sometimes and then it gets bad again. Maybe you need to start giving him ultimatums?

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to GoldenMaknae97]

usually when people think they have you in the palm of their hand and you start to detach yourself or withdraw, they start to care a little more as a defense mechanism because they feel threatened. their ego is hurt.

[Kat_21 in reply to GoldenMaknae97]

I hate pushing ultimatums on him, but tonight was the first time I have in a while. I feel terrible whenever I do. I had a serious anger problem before, I was a control freak, I had to change so much about myself, ya know? I did what I said I would. I'm in counseling, I haven't had an actual bad fight with him in over a year, and I'm on medication. I know it's not as easy since he does work, but just showing me he's actually attempting to be better would make me have some faith, ya know? I feel like it's hopeless if I'm the only one trying.

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to Kat_21]

wow yeah I totally get you. I think maybe trying to find a time to talk to him without getting heated or sounding accusatory would help? Maybe he doesn't agree with your view point but at least he will know how you feel and from there he will choose to keep being the way he is and let things dissolve or actually step up. You can only be so patient with someone who doesn't try. Share that with him , the fact that you have made improvements to yourself and that you feel as though you are alone steering the relationship while he is just chilling in the boat.

[Kat_21 in reply to GoldenMaknae97]

Thank you. I'll definitely try talking to him again. I just really hope I can get through to him.

[GoldenMaknae97 in reply to Kat_21]

You got this!!

[goldieoldie in reply to Kat_21]

HEllo Kat,it does seem like he doesnt want to share the responsibility ,I take it your a mother,,,,he has to participate when he is in a marriage--hoping things improve..

[FearIsALiar]

Hi Kat_21. I actually just got out of a relationship who I thought I’d have forever with. I loved this man so much but he wasn’t giving the same love back that I was giving him...he actually was cheating on me for the majority of our relationship and I had no clue..I left him and then decided to get back together because I was in a trauma bond with him..he is a narcissist. It took a lot of journaling and reaching out on here for support to make a final decision. What had helped me was writing a list of the pros and cons of my relationship. There were more cons....I know the way I was treated in that relationship was so unfair and I was being used. I left this relationship for good the beginning of this month but said my goodbyes a few days ago. The first week of my breakup was pretty difficult..I felt to incredibly hopeless and lonely. But that was only temporary and I thought I’d feel that way the rest of my life! He was my everything.. I’m really sorry you’re going through this though. I wanted to share a bit of my story with you though. You’re far better off without someone who makes you unhappy. It took me a lot to realize that myself. I’m a lot happier without his presence. Turns out he was the one to cause a lot of my anxiety/depression 😕 I would get out of your relationship now because down the road it will be more difficult. This is your choice but if that was me I know I’d have to leave.

best of luck to you! keep us updated x

[Kat_21 in reply to FearIsALiar]

I will, and thank you for sharing. I think with him it's not necessarily that he's a bad guy or anything, I trust him with my life. It's just he's not a good husband. He treats me more like a roommate or a live-in babysitter and it's just hard for me to accept that this is how things will always be. I wanna keep hoping it'll get better, but maybe I'm just not the woman to bring out that loving, romantic side of him.I'm glad you're doing good though.

[FearIsALiar in reply to Kat_21]

You should look into couples therapy!

[Kat_21 in reply to FearIsALiar]

No. Unfortunately he works a lot, and we have our son plus my many apts due to my illness so it's difficult. It's possible, but I'd have to be sure he'd actually take it seriously, ya know?

[FearIsALiar in reply to Kat_21]

Makes sense. I certainly hope you can sit down and have a serious chat with him. Really let him know how you feel. Keep us updated. We care about you !

[Kat_21 in reply to FearIsALiar]

Thank you.

[FriendlyDude]

Swearing he loves you and then acting like that, it makes those words seem more empty. Love is more than just words, you gotta demonstrate that love. There could be something going on with him though. Perhaps he just has a lot going on. It’s definitely something to talk about with him, you two should resolve whatever’s happening. Just make sure to be loving when/if you approach the subject. Sensitive topics need sensitive handling. You say he yells all the time, it might not take much to cause a massive explosion of an argument. Maybe he doesn’t feel like things are going well either, he might have his own ideas of how to make changes, so be open to that. Be careful, be considerate of his side of things, remember to use “I” statements, and try to focus on the good and how it can become even better. If what you say puts him down, it could offend him and go to an explosion. Try to use something positive, for example, “I love it when we hug, can we try doing that more? I would really appreciate that” someone would have to try to find a way to be offended by that. Try to use something like that, hard to create offense, inspired by love, focuses on a good thing and suggests a change for the better.I hope that helps and that things get better I wish you the best!

[FearIsALiar in reply to FriendlyDude]

Actions speak louder than words and Ive learned that the hard way. Well said though

[Kat_21 in reply to FriendlyDude]

That actually does open my mind a bit. We've been moving recently, he works 7 days a week, he's got a lot on his plate. I guess I'm being kind of selfish expecting more from him. Thank you for your advice.

[FriendlyDude in reply to Kat_21]

You’re welcome it’s good to try to see the other’s viewpoint. Perhaps you could also do a little better at demonstrating your love, and maybe doing that will inspire him to show you his love. It sounds like he definitely has a lot on his plate, so go for small changes if you feel ready to do that. Hugs sound like a good start 😉 I don’t think you’re totally selfish, you are definitely entitled to feel loved and appreciated. Change is hard, but possible be patient and loving you’re a good person. I wish you the best!

[Kat_21 in reply to FriendlyDude]

Thank you so much

[FriendlyDude in reply to Kat_21]

Anytime

[Whiskers16]

I know exactly how you feel, it’s so hard when you are struggling with anxiety and there’s no support from your hubby. I just want to feel loved and wanted