I can’t even say “my” spouse; he isn’t “my” anything.
Not even remotely attracted to him, never really was. His degrading and bullying way of talking to me most of the time erased any sort of desire to work on the marriage. He would NEVER go to counseling. Now I am not interested anymore. Is this it for me in terms of romance and a fulfilling relationship? Don’t have anywhere NEAR the confidence it takes to support myself with a good job. And I would certainly need that.
Don’t have any family on my side I would stay with; would rather sleep on a park bench. As far as his side, well, nobody would take my side, so he has the support there. My kids would probably blame me for breaking up the family, so there goes that area of support.
Hate a huge part of my life. I am grateful for many things that are good in my life, so that’s something I guess.
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Kangaroo_Alice
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Kangaroo Alice, that is a "huge" thing that there are many things that are good in your life.
So it seems like you are at a crossroads in your marriage. Do you stay for the sake of the family (children) or do you bail out and see if you sink or swim? Your choice.. I don't think you want to sleep on a park bench... What if you started working toward your self confidence in order to find a good job and become self sufficient.
Don't allow his bullying and degrading way he talks to you destroy who you are.
If you are in counseling that would help put you on the right path in establishing your own self worth. My go to is YouTube. There are many amazing videos on Loving Yourself as well as Affirmations on becoming who you were meant to be etc.
The children won't always be little, it's best you get a handle on your future life. GoodLuck xx
My kids are adults now, but I would probably not be in their lives much anymore if I left. Also, I have been told by several people, including counselors, that I’m an empath. If someone criticizes me or my work at all, I emotionally collapse and can’t get out of that mindset. Forget about any disagreement or even a slight argument; I’m consumed by the incident for at least a week afterwards. No matter what I’ve tried, nothing changes that part of me. If someone near me is happy, I’m fine. If someone is even slightly ticked off, I completely absorb that feeling and it becomes a part of me too. No matter what I try, my emotional state ALWAYS depends on what others feel.
I know you mean well, but I can’t agree that I have a choice in my emotional struggles. That’s much easier for some than for others. For still others, it’s difficult but they can manage. For others, it’s so hard they can’t do it.
I don’t know, it makes it even worse for me because it means I’m a failure because I must not be trying “hard enough “.
Alice, you are definitely not a failure. This is but a stumbling block that came from somewhere in your childhood and/or marriage. I know because I was very much like you
at one time. Shy/Introverted/I felt other's pain. Put downs and criticism were like a knife in my back. I didn't know who I really was. I didn't believe in myself and so my anxiety grew over the years. It took medication, therapy and even in patient hospitalization after having been Agoraphobic for 5 years. I cried all the time. I wasn't sure where I belonged.
The more I listened to verbal abuse, the worse I got.
Everything changed for me the day I got a job through a temporary agency. I wasn't even sure I could work with my anxiety and so this felt like the best choice at the time.
My boss was incredible. He gave me the confidence I needed in myself. I attended meetings on Self Esteem/Confidence. I learned little tricks of the trade that would allow me to blossom into an outgoing caring person but one without attachment to other's feelings. I had to save myself or I would drown as my psychiatrist had told me.
It took me many years to get where I am today. I am finally where I want to be.
I can only wish that for you Alice, that one day when the time is right, it will happen for you as well My best xx
You need to do what’s best for you. I understand how you feel but think about your kids..would you want your kids seeing a unhealthy marriage with you being unhappy? I don’t think so. The good thing is you can change this! If you’re unhappy I say leave the relationship.
Thanks so much! I’m a receptionist. That’s what I gravitate to when I get a new job. Not too much responsibility and I get to chat with clients about lighter stuff and make them feel welcome. Then my colleagues get to deal with the heavy crap. 🙂
Receptionist can definitely be a lot of work! I wish I had those skills to be one lol. I’m more of an introvert and don’t communicate super well with others! I just have a hard time understanding things.
Believe it or not, I’m an introvert also. Socializing for more than a little while leaves me totally drained. I need other people but I also need solitude. Do you have a hard time picking up on other’s cues? That can be tricky even for the best of us.
Yeah at times I do but I also struggle to know what to say
Sorry things are so negative with your marriage. You mention your children been away from home, if this is the case and your marriage is none functioning would a Marriage Guidance Centre not be able to help you both, would your husband go with you to talk out your problem. I always feel sometimes a relationship may be worth saving. If this is not the case you need to take advice about a Separation so you are able to move on.Sad to say there is little we can advise, we do not know the full situation you find yourself in. Whatever that is decisions may need to be taken
Thank you for your suggestion, border. I’ve brought up counseling many times for many years. He absolutely will not set foot in their office. Oh, wait...when my kid was having some typical issues with us, one of the first things he asked him was “do you want me to go to counseling with you?” So, that’s a no go I’m afraid. For me, anyway. He still gets easily exasperated and rolls his eyes at me, something he never does with anyone else. Not kids, not his family, no one. Sigh...life sucks sometimes.
Hello Alice sorry you are feeling the way you do, to be honest we have been together for over forty years and we find ourselves in a truce we know each other very well, we have no children only a Collie and He keeps us busy;
You mention rolling His eyes, it would seem He is just taking advantage of you and has a lack or respect, is that is as far He goes, how long have you been together ? The problem is a relationship can become stale and you will both need to sort it out together. You may end up the both of you feeling there you are suffering a hiding for nothing.
You need to at least talk if not you need to possibly see a therapist and sort things out. How old are your children.
Remember if respect flies out of the window, love can follow, How many years have you been married ?
Oh he’s done much worse than eye rolling, like screaming “you fucking c@#t!” at me more than once. The marriage is 28 years old. The thing is, he was like this before the marriage but, coming from the house I did, I thought that’s how relationships were. He also actually had me believing that I was that bad or unreasonable. I don’t beat myself up though; I was a totally different person back then. Now, I would never accept that behavior.
My kids are in their 20’s.
Do you have anyone in your life (besides us) who you can talk with?
First of let’s try not to use the “hate” word. Step one. You do have thanks for certain things. Set boundaries and try to makes steps forward to make you happier by eliminating the toxic aspects. We here for your support
Well instead of “hate”, maybe “really dissatisfied” or “very much concerned with “. Hate does suck up too much energy.
I don't know what I can say to be helpful. I understand you might be thinking that if you leave him, how are you going to survive??? There are all these channels on YouTube about dealing with narcisstic people and how it's best to go no contact. Sometimes I feel like sure, I'd love to go no contact and then I will just have nobody I can depend on at all. So I get it. I feel trapped in a situation I don't like either. People tell me to get a job, I feel like no one will even take a chance on hiring me. I get really frustrated. I think I'm an empath too. I know this isn't much comfort, I just wanted you to know you're not alone. Sometimes the golden rule just seems to be whoever has the gold, rules. And it isn't right. It's not right that you should have to suffer like this. But keep your eyes and ears open for any opportunities for you to eventually be able to get away from him. Try to save some money up that he knows nothing about. Don't give up hope. I have to tell myself that too. Just don't give up hope. You deserve better.
Thanks so much Googooddollsfan. Knowing that I’m not alone does help. Yeah I have nowhere to stay, not his family and certainly not mine. Talk about a toxic atmosphere. You’re right, a no contact idea seems like such a relief. As long as we win the lottery (or get a six-figure a year job) then we actually have leverage in life that we don’t have now. We definitely have some, but not near enough to make a positive difference. Are you in a bad relationship too? You also deserve better. I’m here if you want to chat. I really like that we can lean on each other on this site. 🙂
I happen to be 50 and I'm living with my parents or I'd be completely homeless. I never had kids. I have an ex boyfriend I want nothing to do with anymore, I was with him for a long time, I can't talk to him anymore. My dad is a jerk that I have to put up with. I don't have any friends, I feel like people just let me down sooner or later. So my life sucks too. I just carry on, but I feel like I just live to get treated like dirt by everybody. I'm used to having doors slammed in my face.
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