hello! I would genuinely love to have some advice from experienced people that have been there. Cause me and my husband both feel we are alone at this and that we are the only ones.
me and my husband have been married for almost 2 years ( not long) but lately we have been struggling and neither of our parents know cause if figured we wouldn’t drag them into this cause we do not want them to worry but outside our parents we have no one to talk to. Anyways my husband lets his emotions get the best of him ( he does not know how to manage them) . In the heat of an argument he calls me names and that sends me into a complete neurotic mode where I lose my cool and then backfire at him. He’s quick to apologize but I’m the one who can’t just say “I’m sorry” . We had had pretty ugly fights over the years. We fight over stupid things. I have mentioned divorce but it makes us break down in tears just thinking about it cause overall we love each other to death and couldn’t live without each other. But have recognize we are both immature when it comes to handling our emotions. Please I would. Love for someone who’s been there tell me it’s gonna be ok and that this happens in marriage.
ps: we have decided to sign up for couples counseling
Written by
MandyBueno
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
I think you’ve taken the best step you can by getting couples counseling. I don’t know how long it will be before you start and since I’m not a professional, my only advice to you would be to try to keep the arguments at a minimum for now. You’ll have plenty of opportunity when you start counseling to talk things out. I was married three times and my views on marriage probably differ than yours. I did ask one of my husbands to attend counseling with me, but he flat out refused. To me, it meant he didn’t want to save our marriage. Both you and your husband want to improve your marriage to stay together. That’s the important thing. 🍀
Hi Mandy, It sounds very much like the marriage I use to have and we were both like that for years until my doctor recommended CBT cognitive behavioural therapy. My husband was sceptical about it so the dr just referred me at that time. I can honestly say it’s the best thing I’ve ever done, obviously not everything is perfect but it’s a hundred times better. My husband was impressed with my progress and he got referred unfortunately he found his therapist wasn’t for him so we decided for him to go private so he didn’t have to wait another 18 months. He has changed so much, don’t get me wrong at times it’s been horrendous as it is blinking hard work because you have to give your all for it to be successful. It has saved our marriage which people said it wouldn’t last. If you get the opportunity to try it I would definitely recommend giving it ago but I realise it’s not for everyone. Good luck for the future oh and reach out to your parents they would want to know how you are feeling. X
Hi. there , as someone who’s been happily married for 50 years in Nov, I’d say we still do nt really know each other after all this time, and we say things that makes me think do you ever really know someone else lol, two years is nothing, when i hear people say they never argue, I think how boring , nobody agrees with everyone all the time it’s not normal, but I think my advice would be get things out in the open so that they don’t fester, talk to each as much as possible , even arguing is better than silence.
You say overall you love each other to death, well that says it all, marriage isn’t easy you have to work at it, and the more you put into it the more you get out, I hope counselling will help you both , take care
thank you so much for taking the time to write me. It means a lot to me to know I’m not the only one. Marriage certainly ain’t easy but I believe that with time relationships in general tend to mature. Thank you so much
Hi, I think it is absolutely great that you are going for counselling. Sometimes understanding what the triggers are that can make us upset, how we react, words we use etc. Also recognising we are all different, I know that both myself and my husband, react as adults in much the same way as we did as children, For example my mum could be quite critical of me, I loved her dearly, but I always felt more criticised than my brother. So, when I am criticised I find this very difficult to handle. My mother was also criticised by my grandmother. I know it is common sense, but trying to talk about our feelings does help, in a calm way naturally. Not sure if you have heard of Transactional Analysis, which is about our ego states, Parent, Adult, Child can also help us to understand how we view relationships. You sound as if you both love each other very much. I hope you give yourselves the time to understand. We have been together 33 years and we still learn every day. Compromise is the biggest thing for me in our relationship, and knowing and respecting what we each like/dislike and what winds each other up, so we don’t do it! I am not as tidy as my husband so I try very hard to be much tidier than I would normally , but, it is important to respect each other. Take good care xxxx
i will try that! Thank you for writing me and sharing your personal experiences. It is a bumpy road but we are not giving up. We lash out and we tend to act naughty when we fight but we are trying our best not to let our emotions get to us. Some days are easier than others but together we stand. It’s nice to know I’m not alone and that everyone face their own battles behind closed doors and I’m happy I get to get it off my chest without any judgments. Thank you very much
Hi Mandy, check out The Four Horseman Of The Apocalypse In a Marriage. Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling on gottman.com. It may or may not help but certainly gives an insight into the most common causes of problems in a marriage. Hope it helps you and your husband.
Xene
PS I’m not saying sign up to it just check out what they say
I've been with the same woman since the age of 19. That is 26 years as of two weeks ago. Relationship longevity is all about two things: honesty and communication. Communication is pretty obvious, but basically I take it to mean don't bottle up your feelings. Don't go to bed angry. You might not fully resolve every argument every time, but at least say your piece. Don't let those emotions fester, that opens the door for resentment. It took me a long time to get a handle on this.
Secondly, honesty. On the surface that means being honest with each other. But there is a second, equally important meaning. Be honest with yourself, and practice honest self-assessment. Am I really mad at him or did I just have a bad day? Am I mad at what he just said or still upset about something he forgot the other day? That sort of thing. Getting into this habit will make you more self-aware and lead to a better understanding of your emotions. Which will in turn lead to less frequent and more easily resolved arguments. Again, took me a long time to figure this out and its still a work in progress.
Finally, realize a marriage is a lifetime commitment. Getting it right takes a long time and a lot of work. So both of you have to be patient with each other, but also with yourselves. It sounds like you have a rock solid foundation to build on and the fact that you both enrolled in counselling is great news. They will give you the tools you need. Hope you both find what you are looking for and truly wish you both the best. Sending you guys courage and peace.
this is so truthful yet so hard to get to that point. My husband is a veteran and unfortunately he picked up some pretty bad behaviors from the army ( yelling, swearing etc) I do not have a gut for that and I’m quickly to snap at him once he won’t change. We have been working hard not to let our emotions ruin things and there are times where I can sense that we are handling things with maturity but there are also times that we just can’t .
Your advice is gold! And it’s something that might take time but it’s worth trying. Neither of us believe in divorce but we definitely want to live in harmony.
There are some good reply's to your situation and it sounds like you guys are taking good steps by going to couples therapy.
You should be aware though that oftentimes verbal abuse, due to uncontrollable anger can escalate and lead to physical abuse. Hopefully your husband will attend therapy and realize he has real issues and get the help he needs.
thank you!! It never got to that point. Even though our emotions can be bad. We are already taking steps towards help and he is totally on board with it. But sometimes I just crave for a different opinion, someone who’s been there and made it through. Even though marriage is a journey for life and we never get to know someone fully despite the years of being together. I just kinda wanted to know that I’m not alone and things will turn out ok
You're welcome, i'm glad it's working out for you and he is totally for it, that's great and I was hoping that was the case. I just wanted you to be aware just incase it wasn't. I think couples therapy can be very helpful for improving your journey.
its brave to share ... i cant say marriage is easy ..we have 8 years and at times its a battle.. we have breaking points ... it takes work ... we are a couple in our 50s and we respect each other .. name calling is hurtful and eats away at you .. i have come from relationships where i was abused so my advice is to watch how impacts you ... well done on counselling
I was going to mention marriage counseling if you feel it is worth saving. It sounds like your husband may need some classes in anger management. I’m hoping for the best for you. Unfortunately the same situation eventually led to physical and emotional abuse in my marriage and ultimately we divorced.
While it is true that some healthy marriages truly do not have big problems a lot, there are many other marriages that do. Thankfully, there is help available for all of us!
One of the biggest problems in some bad marriages is unwillingness to attend/participate in marital counseling (by one or both spouses). It's one resource that can be very helpful and even be a solution for some marriages and I am very glad you two have agreed to do it!
I believe that it is a big blessing that you and your husband truly love each other so much and that it is a good thing also that both of you acknowledge wrongdoings.
We all have defects and some of us also have things affecting us negatively. Thankfully, there is help available for that too!
I know from experience that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is very helpful. I also know of a very good program that helps a lot called Celebrate Recovery (“a Christian twelve-step program designed to facilitate recovery from a wide variety of troubling behavior patterns”). And, I also know the “Hope Restored” marriage intensives offered by the Focus on the Family organization are also tremendously helpful. (Celebrate Recovery and Focus on the Family have websites.)
It is so good that you reached out!
I don't know if it's the best thing to do, but I do the same thing too (not burden my parents with some of my problems) with the intentions of taking care of my life as an adult person and allowing my parents to live their lives peacefully.
But I hope that you understand that you and your husband are not alone.
I experience loneliness too. But I would like to remind you that God is always near and He always loves to listen to us and He can and does put people in our lives through whom He will bless us. (You already have received many responses and good advice here! God is blessing you!)
May God bless your marriage so much (and I know that He doesn't want it to end)! May God bless us all!
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
depression is ruining my marriage 
I need some advice...
