Failure

I’m 20 years old and I’m in school part time and I’m not working. I don’t even know what I’m going to school for...I haven’t picked a major yet. If I had stayed full time each semester from when I graduated high school, I would’ve graduated this summer. I don’t know what interests me and I’m seeing all of my former class mates getting degrees and jobs on social media and it makes me feel pathetic even though I’m happy for them all. I’m finding myself in tears right now because I wish I could just start over. Life is so precious and I am only given one, but I feel like I messed mine up....I feel like I failed. I’m trying to gain strength and pick myself up and get my life together but I have no energy for anything anymore, and that breaks my heart. I just wanna be successful, but I have to make that happen and I can’t.

[langedechu]

hey, i'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. i think we all have those moments where we feel like life is over. sometimes they turn into periods and can last for a while, even. in fact, that's what's happening to both of us right now. it's so so fkn hard to get over a failure because for a lot of people it makes them feel like shit about themselves. speaking from personal experience here. i'm sure you know what I mean. also, there never is a "can't." you CAN be successful, you CAN find a path in life, you CAN have a good life. sometimes it just takes time. help from others can aid you on your way and you can discover a lot from what wise people tell you. life is all about trial and error. if something doesn't work out, try something else. there are so many failures and mistakes that are going to happen but end the end, it's your choice to give up or keep the hope that you'll have a purpose, even if it takes some time.

[Hidden in reply to langedechu]

Thanks for commenting! I need to work on how I speak about myself. Thanks for the motivation.

[langedechu in reply to Hidden]

anytime 🖤

[Kainan]

Hey. You’ve still got all the time in the world. There’s no need to rush into anything. Take your time and figure out what you really want. I struggled immensely and left school around your age but next year (I’ll be 29) I’ll be heading back. Doesn’t do any good to compare yourself to other people. I stopped using fb for exactly that reason. You’ve got all the time in the world

[Hidden in reply to Kainan]

So glad to hear you’ll be going back to school, that’s amazing! I try not to compare myself but it’s difficult. I’m working on it. Thank you !

[severeheadinjury]

If it makes you feel any better you’re not alone in that boat. I, too, am 20 years old and a second year student in college. I failed the majority of my classes in the first year along with breaking my ankle in February before all of this broke out. I’ve been sitting in my childhood home with my mentally unstable mother and effectively absent father for close to 8 months now, the entire time not being able to do so much as go on a walk without pain. My best friend since childhood committed suicide on July 11. I feel extremely hopeless and am having more suicidal thoughts than ever before. I have realized that it’s definitely not just the two of us going through this right now. I would suggest distancing yourself from all technology as much as possible. Go back to your roots. Do what you enjoyed doing as a kid. Make it a distinct goal to find something funny each day. Laugh. Find a way to laugh. There has to be something funny that will brighten your day. Eat good. Make yourself a nice meal and be proud of it. Draw something funny. Express your feelings. Externalize what you’re feeling on the inside to the outside in whatever way you can. If it’s getting in your car and screaming and crying while driving, that will work (coming from personal experience). Just know that committing suicide is not worth it. You only get one life man. The heartbreak from someone close to you killing themselves is absolutely the darkest thing I have ever experienced, and I’ve experienced some pretty dark stuff. Also Virgo gang lol

[Hidden in reply to severeheadinjury]

I’m sorry about the loss of your friend, I’m sure thats extremely tough. You sound super strong, you’ve been through a lot. I appreciate you sharing...it makes me feel less alone.

[Hidden]

Hey there 20 years old is still super young! I know with societal pressures makes it seem like you need to have your life together by 25-30 but that’s simply not true. It’s not about your destination it’s about the journey. That’s why all these successful peoples documentaries’ are so interesting!!!

When I was 20 years old I had probably switched my major for the 5th time and the indecision just made me more anxious. 5 years later I’m accepted into nursing school vs my friend who graduated college super early and got married at 20 and now she doesn’t know what to do with her life anymore. That’s why it’s so important not to compare yourself.. I know it’s hard. It’s super difficult not to compare. But it doesn’t make sense to.

You are still in school part time and that can change any moment to full time or you can have a new job in just a couple of months. The truth is you can do anything if you give it your all. The only thing you have to do is decide where exactly you want to put your focus.

It’s a difficult time for you right now, please be patient with yourself. You still have time.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for sharing! I appreciate hearing other people’s stories. It helps me realize that what I’m experiencing is normal and can be fixed.

[Hidden]

If I were in ur position u would as a?friend. Say Let it go as a year means nothi g. And in 30 years u won't be worried about what those people ne

Are dking and maybe s f Dr. Safer from the virus

U know

I think that darn good advice why flog myself which w/o t help and it know ur right

Couple of years I'll find what I want. Ur right it's a tortoise and hare thing. Main thing is to finish those other will have their detours

Thank u

Good advice

I see ur point

[Bigbrighteyes96]

Hi Virgo, you have plenty of time to start over and work things out like what you want to do with your life and your free time (hobbies). I am much older and I still don't know exactly what I want to do with my time! You haven't failed. You are strong and you will get through this believe me. Just take the first step however small to being successful, and it will help you feel like you have achieved something and build your confidence.

[Otaku12]

You have not failed in any way, shape, or form. Society puts so much pressure on us to figure our lives out at 18 once we graduate high school. That's way too young. You still have a huge part of your life to live and to choose what you want to do with your life at 18 is unrealistic. It's fine that you haven't picked a major yet. This is the time in your life to explore, try new things, and figure out what your values in life are. I had a major picked out first day of college (criminal justice), however, I had no other goals beyond getting my degree. I didn't have a clue what I would do with that degree and by the time I graduated I had realized I didn't have any interest whatsoever in careers related to criminal justice. Don't rush yourself, maybe take some classes in different subjects to see if there is an interest (don't know your financial situation, but community college classes are a good way to go if you don't want to break the bank).

You can also try new hobbies to see what your interests are. There is volunteering too, which is nice because you get a feel for some jobs without committing to employment.

Is there anything in life that truly makes you happy? Mine is anime, manga, and Japanese culture. I didn't figure that out until I was 27. After I got my bachelor's degree, I fumbled around for years, starting master's programs and quitting because I didn't like them (first nutrition, then library sciences, and then addictions counseling). Finally committed to a master's in accounting and got my degree July of 2019. Come to find out, I HATE accounting. It's just not for me, it is too uncreative and uninspiring. However, to survive my dull classes I starting watching anime and was drawn in by the creativity. Then I started learning more about Japan and fell in love with it. Now I'm learning Japanese (on my own for now, I've already dished out enough money to schools). Don't know exactly where this will all lead me, but I at least know what I'm passionate about. I'll be 30 in a month and there are plenty of 30 year olds who have their lives together, but I don't care because who knows for sure if they are happy. Social media is just a snippet of people's lives and it usually only shows the good stuff. People like to show off about how they're living their best lives on social media, but I think the happiest people are the ones that aren't posting on social media because they are out there enjoying their lives which gives them much more fulfillment than any amount of comments or likes.

So just relax, explore, and know that your life is your own unique journey and no one else's. I'm always here if you need someone to chat with! 😊

[Hidden in reply to Otaku12]

Thank you for sharing! I appreciate hearing other people’s stories. You’re so sweet

[Otaku12 in reply to Hidden]

I like hearing others' stories too, it makes me know I'm not alone and I find that even though we have different experiences in life, a lot of our insecurities and anxieties are similar.

[Staystrong2424]

Hello, Hang in there. You are still young and you still have so much time to figure out what you want in life. It sounds like you really care about your future and that is what will motivate you. Set goals and little by little you will reach those goals. Stay strong and positive. You got this.

[Hidden in reply to Staystrong2424]

Thank you so much! I appreciate it

[Hidden]

I recall a quote about finding you calling from Haemin Sunim, a Buddhist philosopher that helped me "Even for those who have been fortunate enough to be propelled forward by the encouraging words of others, direction does not always make itself perfectly clear. For those who are wondering about their calling, it is important to have patience with yourself. Your calling typically unfurls over many years - not a few moments. Reading widely, being willing to have new experiences, growing in self-awareness of the environments and tasks in which you thrive all make a huge difference. It is also important that your passions - not others expectations - are what drive your explorations."

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Love it! Thank you

[FluidMind]

Thanks for sharing your story. I have been in that same boat a couple of times in my life. Just like you, in my 20s, I was the one who graduated last from my group of friends. The 'behind in life' feeling still exists, even right now, but it has gotten better or worse from time to time. In fact, more than a feeling, is an illusion. Measuring ourselves with other people's ruler is just unfair, unkind and unrealistic to our well being. Hence, the moments when I have lived my life on my own terms have been the happiest, most unbelievable experiences I have ever had. Life is precious, just as you said, and it is most enjoyable when we free ourselves from other people's expectations and create our own goals. In order to find the root of who I wanted to be and what I was aiming to achieve, I did the following:

- Unfriend people (people who made me feel bad, didn't bring anything to my table/life or those who I felt the timeframe of the relationship has already ended. People change, relationships evolve, and that is part of life.)

- Quit social media (It is just too easy to compare ourselves to others since everyone is trying to project a perfect life. I have tried deleting apps instead of my accounts. On occasions I have deactivated the profiles instead due to FOMO. Now, what I do is I unfollow people, mute their stories/posts, delete followers and if necessary, even block people.)

- Journal (Practicing gratitude is one of the hardest habits I have been trying to sustain, yet it is so valuable).

- Read (books, articles, unknown people's advise which is more likely to be unbiased)

- Therapy (I have talked to social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, you name it. Always worth it!)

- Meditation (I still find meditation super weird, funny in a way and extremely challenging. Just sitting still and observing, without judging, what type of thoughts we get as we try to focus o our breathing, allow us to be more aware of how powerful and ridiculous can the mind be. I am sometimes able to detach myself from thoughts I get, that do me more harm than good. I repeat: sometimes.)

I am currently reading the book "Tribe of mentors" by Timothy Ferris in which he interviews some people you may or not not know. One of the questions he asks them about is regarding failure and I just love to read other people's struggles and strategies to keep on thriving or even failing. Thus, they don't always shares the 'to-dos' but also the 'not-to-do' list. I am practicing to honor the peaks and lows in life. No one is perfect and the harder we try to pretend we are, the unhappier we can get. I hope we all get to learn to love ourselves despite the victories or failures that we might face, since none of those truly define us. Best wishes!