Tired of fighting

[ally_99]

Idk what I feel anymore. I just know that I’m not happy, but I don’t feel that I’m soooo sad. I’m so used to being depressed I guess it feels normal, but even then it feels so different than before. I don’t cry bc of how sad I am.. I cry whenever I feel frustrated or overwhelmed with everything going on in my life. Or little sad movie scenes or songs that get to me, then that’s when I feel everything all at once and I bawl my eyes out. I gotta admit there’s been days lately where I do think about dying, not killing myself but I do think a lot about dying and suicide and all of that.. I don’t harm myself in any way btw, I used to back in sophomore year I think. But I’m just at a point in my life that I feel like I’m running out of time and I’m slowly giving up on literally everything bc I feel that a clock is ticking to get certain things done. It sucks to feel that my life has come to that point, but sometimes you don’t get to have all the things you want with a snap of a finger.

[lorianxiety]

hi Ally,I can understand your mixed feelings;I felt quite suicidal when younger and it has ,y not mixing ect.Just wondered if your similar,or do you not know what you want from life....its a good idea to set yourself little goals ,and work towards them you should congratulate yourself on little achievments ect.sorry part of this statement was cut off,my pc another worry haha,my advice is try to take time over anything you attempt and eventually you will begin to reap the benefits.stay young,strive to be happy.

[clayjars]

I'm sorry to hear your struggles. What's going on in your life right now that's frustrating you?

[ally_99 in reply to clayjars]

Family problems, I feel that I have so much pressure on me, I stress myself out a lot, trust issues, just everything you can think of.. as much as I want to be relaxed I can’t bc my heart is racing so fast every second and my mind is racing just as fast and idk what I’m feeling half the time. Sometimes I literally feel like I’m dead. If I’m like looking to a distance, my vision blurs out or that feeling when you rub your eyes too hard and you see those weird stars yeah I get that feeling. I feel like my body is giving up on me.

[clayjars in reply to ally_99]

Oh, Ally, it sounds like you are under a ton of pressure and your body is reacting very physically to the stress. I'm so sorry to hear your struggles. Can you share what some of those family issues are here? Have you seen a doctor about these symptoms? Do you have a therapist?

[ally_99 in reply to clayjars]

My family always expects me to do everything or tell me things twice and they don’t understand depression and anxiety they jsut think I’m like making it up or that I’m jsut being lazy.. like no it psychically drains me and it makes me not want to talk to anyone or do anything at all. I went to a therapist a year ago and I want to go back but I need to find someone that I can trust.

[clayjars in reply to ally_99]

Hmm. I'm sorry you feel such pressure from your family. It's hard when your family doesn't understand what you're struggling with. What kind of expectations do they have for you?

[ally_99 in reply to clayjars]

All the basic chores I have to do at home. Like I’m the only daughter (middle child as well) but ik they’re teaching me to be responsible and I already know that but they still see me as a Child. I’m 20 in a few months so them still telling me what to do or expecting me to literally do everything like it had to stop but they don’t understand anything.

[clayjars in reply to ally_99]

Are you doing all the chores or are they shared with other siblings? You sound unhappy about how they treat you. How would you like for them to change? How could they treat you instead?

[rothko]

I am working with my therapist on everything you just mentioned! I’m always so amazed at how the experiences I have are identical to others in this group.

I feel that I am constantly crying- like you when frustrated or seeing an emotional scene.

I think that even just speaking with a therapist has been helpful. One of the things I have been working on is trying to stop crying. I used to believe that I needed to just let it out and cry it out and release- and many times I do- but sometimes it just gets so exhausting. Sometimes I will just try and focus on something else- maybe play sudoku or start to observe external things (my therapist asked me to just state the things I observe in my head like - the Sky is cloudy today, there is a table over there). It helps my brain stop digging into this hole of emotion and focus on something else and stop crying.

When you say you are running out of time to get things done— are there deadlines you may be able to negotiate? Or is the feeling of exhaustion just so much it’s hard to get thru everything? Sometimes Injust try and break it up into smaller pieces to make the bigger task more bearable. It’s like going on a marathon or climbing a mountain- if you think about how long you have to go it can be a lot- but if you just focus on the immediate next step and getting to that, it can feel more achievable.

Nothing I said may be helpful as we are all different but I hope I can just leave you with my best wishes and reassurance you are not alone. It is a lot to go through and I commend you for coming here and trying!

[ally_99 in reply to rothko]

There’s no deadlines but I jsut feel like I always plan things like if I have to go out I always plan everything ahead of time and it stresses me out when I get behind. But no thank anything helps. It amazes me too that ppl here go through similar things.