Someone Help please

[NicNac23]

I just signed up but I need help. My mom disinvalidates my feelings all the time and my dad and I are trying to build a relationship again but its so hard bc I cant forgive him for the shit he has done to me. He has emotionally abused me for years on end and this past March of 2020 he physically abused me. Im really trying to make amends but I cant get over that. I have a boyfriend he is supportive but Im so scared of messing things up with him I Know I need to chill with talking to him bc I talk to him a lot and I show too much affection and I feel like I keep on messing up in the relationship. He says he is happy with where it is going and I asked him if I talk/text too much and he said a little so like how do I know when to stop. Like what if he isn't responding bc he is busy bc he has been very busy lately w working on major school projects. Like I hate being at home and my bf wants me to move out ASAP bc of my parents. Like my parents cause a lot of issues for me. When I try to stand up for myself to them I get in trouble and it makes me feel so trapped and isolated and I try talking to them about it but like they dont listen. I just could use some advice rn you guys. It feels good to get this out. I just wish more people cared abt me bc it feels like only one person cares which is my ex who is just my friend. Yes I am straight my ex and my current bf are males and they are straight too. Im just at a loss bc I know my ex understands me better bc he sometimes struggles w the same issues and I dont know. I want to be leaning on my bf but I dont want to ware him out esp since this relationship is new (December 2020 will be 2 month anniversary). Weve only known each other since like the end of September 2020. Just please help someone Im really losing my mind I lost a lot of sleep last night over this. Also my mom Is very controlling over me all my friends think so.

[Hidden]

It seems as if a lot of us are on here for parent issues.. I don’t really think parents understand how much they can negatively affect our minds and our worth. Why you are feeling this way makes total sense because your parents reject your feelings as if they aren’t important. Maybe their parents were old school and treated them this way as well who knows.. but you have to validate your feelings yourself as soon as they reject them so your mind doesn’t learn that it’s unimportant. That’s my opinion. For your new boyfriend, new relationships are super scary and it sound cliche but i would just go with the flow. If he starts texting you short texts maybe just ask if he prefers to talk later and so on. Any good relationship takes time and he will learn you and your needs. You seem like a very understanding and caring girlfriend. He’s a lucky guy!

[NicNac23 in reply to Hidden]

thanks, yeah my parents care enough to where I'm not put in child custody but honestly id rather move out than do that. My mom went through it with my grandma bc my mom grew up in basically a party pothouse and her mom was very abusive towards my mom and sisters it got physical even. Yet my mom still loves her they all do. My gma doesn't really care if she disinvalidates cuz she gonna speak her truth. So I see from my moms side and obviously my dad is always going to take my moms side which makes things worse. The whole thing w my bf is I overthink WAY too much like he wont text good morning like he usually does oh no he is tired of me and wants to break up doesn't say I miss you back I think oh I'm not really important and he doesn't want to see me, doesn't say I love you first makes me think oh shit he jus doesn't care about me but I know he cares and loves me it just hard to see that when I'm really upset. And when I do get upset I don't want to talk to him all the time about it which is why I also talk to my ex cuz we good friends. And I get that he gets busy but also I want to see him everyday and talk to him everyday and I know I cant have that bc he is super busy w school projects that is due in 3 days and I just i miss him I haven't seen him since Wednesday nov. 11 of 2020 and its jus so hard on me not seeing him cuz i love him so much

[Hidden in reply to NicNac23]

Ahh, I see. If he doesn’t respond the way you expect him to or the way you would respond to him, you feel insecure in the relationship. I can tell your feelings for him are strong. It typically is during the first few months of dating, it’s exciting, you want to see that person often. But in the long run, focusing on projects, school, work will pay off for you both in the future. Probably telling you things you already know lol. But I’m sorry about your parents, Is moving out something that is possible for you in the near future?

[NicNac23 in reply to Hidden]

yes, I turn 18 in December but also college. Ill need a cosigner and stuff for it. And yeah I just hope he will stay w me after the honey moon phase ends

[Kat_21]

So, I said this on another post as well. Controling moms are the best moms. They will do anything, even risk their relationship with you, to teach you the life lessons necessary to prepare you for the real world. I never appreciated my strict mom, but without her I'd be a total psychotic mess with no good qualities. It's hard being a mom, but she's doing her best. She wants to keep you safe and that's the purest love there is.

With your boyfriend I say this from years of experience. Don't lean on him. Learn to depend on yourself alone. Relationships don't always work, and depending on someone else for comfort will only hurt worse if it does end in disaster. "A relationship isn't about making each other happy, it's about making yourself happy and sharing that happiness with another person".

Keep your ex as a friend, I wish I had. It doesn't matter the past you two have had, if he's there for you than accept it and don't feel sorry for it.

As for your dad, I do not condone having relationships with toxic/abusive people and I never will. They will not change. You can have a relationship with someone and still keep yourself safe by distancing yourself. Forgive but do not forget.

When you stick up for yourself, remember that your parents have to guide you to understand social situations. Standing up for yourself isn't always the right thing. Example, if you meet someone in an alleyway and they cat call you, and you stand up for yourself, they could easily pull a knife on you and it could get bad. Nothing you say will ever change how someone else acts in the real world. Sometimes the best thing is to calm down and ignore or avoid the situation to the best of your ability.

With you constantly talking to your boyfriend, take it from somebody who needed validation from a guy 24/7, it will hurt you worse in the end. It will push him away, and you are teaching yourself that validation from a man is important when it isn't.

I don't mean to upset you by saying this, my intentions are to help using my own experience. You are cared about. You matter.

[waylay in reply to Kat_21]

Strict is not the same as controlling! Controlling moms are not a good thing.

[Kat_21 in reply to waylay]

My mom never let me go out of the house, go out with friends she didn't know, have a camera on my phone, I had to sit in the livingroom with my boyfriend with someone watching us always, could never go anywhere with them. I know what controling is. Strict parents use control to teach. What if I did go out with my boyfriends alone and got raped?? Or took a bad picture and it got leaked and ruined my life? Or I went to a party with friends she didn't approve of and died from alcohol poison or drug use? Controlling moms are loving moms. You won't appreciate it now, I didn't. But eventually you will.

[waylay in reply to Kat_21]

Glad you think that your Mum did right by you, but if mybMum had been that way, it would have been intolerable. Part of growing up is being allowed to make mistakes. And I'm 45yo.

[Kat_21 in reply to waylay]

Part of growing up is making mistakes, but being raped or dying of alcohol poisoning won't matter because you'll either be dead or emotionally scarred. Make little mistakes. Would you rather your mom let you crawl in a running dryer or stop you? An oven that's on? Control helps to keep us safe. I'm 22 with a child of my own btw. 🙃

[NicNac23 in reply to Kat_21]

I appreciate the advice but controlling/strict moms make me worse and Im trying to be happy living here but like its hard with my mom bc actually she and my dad are a main root cause of my mental disorders

[Kat_21 in reply to NicNac23]

I understand that. But like I said, I think she's trying her best to prepare you for the real world. I hated my controling mom until I was mature enough to understand why she was the way she was.