Was It the Relationship Anxiety?

[Halak41]

Hi everyone, I'm new here, and I am struggling.

I met my current partner (ex) in April. We started dating in June. We spoke/texted every single day. We hung out. We didn't have a normal start to a relationship because of COVID i.e. no dinner dates, no movies, no hockey games, etc.

From the start, I have battled with awful relationship anxiety. It affected how I viewed my boyfriend, I could not trust him. I was terrified to be happy. I was terrified to let him know, or anyone, because when I admit happiness, something inevitably goes wrong. It did. We would have arguments and bicker about something false that my anxiety forced me to think about. It was unstoppable. I would have bad dreams about him, and it would ruin my mood in the morning. I would make passive or backhanded comments about him cheating (it was a big fear of mine).

Two weeks ago, he told me that he doesn't think we have anything in common. He said he doesn't see us long term. He wanted to end it. We spoke, and we took the weekend to converse more. It was the same issue. He did not seem to be open to anything I was telling/saying from a different perspective. He then tells me what we do to fix things. So, I gave us the week to ourselves to think about things. I researched, wrote down advice, questions, tips, etc. and some possible solutions for us to continue the relationship.

This past weekend rolls around and we sit and talk. He clearly already made up his mind weeks ago. He was not open to anything I was suggesting. He did not want to "reset" or start a new relationship. He told me the romantic feelings are gone for me and they are not coming back.

Just some background on him: Women have walked out on him before. He really liked a girl 3 years ago, but she left him because he was/is immature and she was being told he was not over his ex's. He does have commitment issues (to an extent). He's 39 and only had 3 relationships last over a year. He's also emotionally unavailable, but he refuses to believe or seek help for anything.

I've spoken to his family and friends. They don't know why he does what he does. They also don't know why this happened. When I asked him what specifically caused him to lose feelings, he didn't have a concrete answer. He vaguely mentioned something about "personalities don't mesh" and "things added up". Wouldn't we have realized we weren't good together before things did get good? When we are together, we talk, we laugh, we do have things in common and we do have a good time. He says he cares about me, he's attracted to me, and he likes me, but there are no romantic feelings left.

With all that said, he told me it was nothing I did... but I really don't believe that. It was both our fault's, but I can't help but think about all those times I did say something to him, or I did get anxious and have a panic attack or I needed an hour to ground myself. I can see why they'd add up slowly, over time. The last few weeks, I had been taking THC gummies, and they were working. Not as quickly or as fast as I had hoped, but I saw a difference. I could stop the thoughts from taking over. I could feel things more clearly, especially towards him.

He told me that he's felt this way for weeks. I don't know how long specifically. Clearly, this has gone on much longer than I initially thought. He said that he stuck around because he figured things would change when I started getting better. It's only been a few weeks, though. I told him that progress isn't linear, some days will be worse than others. I told him that I'm still piecing together who I am, because my anxiety made me into a shell of a person.

We said our last "goodbye" yesterday morning in person. He kissed me a few times. I left. He texted me again. Then he did this morning. No pet names or anything. It's evident that he does care about me, and as I mentioned, when we are together, things are actually really fun and great.

What I'm going to attempt to do is find a therapist. Get the help I need. Take my certification program. Take time for myself. I would like to cease all conversation with him until the end of the year. By that time, I am considering texting him and asking if he would like to grab a drink or dinner, IF I feel like I have made progress and anxiety is no longer a constant threat. I would like to see if it's possible to reconnect/find a spark between us again. It's not impossible.

Anyway, I am sorry this is so long. I suppose what I want to know/ask is, is there anything more that I can say or do? From someone who might be emotionally unavailable, is this common to happen?

I know for a fact that we did not give this relationship our 100%. If we didn't get along. If we didn't like each other. It would have ended long ago, and I would have had no qualms breaking up. It just feels like there was so much for in store for us. So much potential. That's why I'm still willing to fight.

[Trina81]

Hi! I am sorry that you are struggling. Relationships are very difficult by themselves but add in the issues many of us battle and our current global situation and they become near impossible. I do not intend any malice by my response. However, it sounds to me like he is just not ready or worthy of you. I think you have it right to work on yourself and step away for a time. I also think during that time he should be working on himself as well. If you choose to approach this man again after the end of the year(or when you feel ready) I think there needs to be some sort of indication that he has been trying to improve as well. Now, for what may sound mean, it almost sounds as if you were convenient to him. That with the isolation and things being shut down, you were there. Now that things seem a little more back to the way they were before March, he is not man enough to just admit that, maybe not even to himself. I would not feed into his texts that seem to keep you hanging on to boost his ego and he will have you to keep him from being lonely. As I said I do not mean this cruel to you. It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can to improve for yourself and other things will go into place. If you are meant to be with him, it will happen when it is right. I could be completely wrong and he just needs to deal with issues to be good for anyone else. I hope this helps at least enough to know someone is listening.

[Hidden]

Sorry to hear. How are you coping ?

[Hidden]

This must be devastating for you, and he seems confusing about how he feels about you but clear that he doesn’t want commitment anymore. To be honest, I don’t think there’s anything you could have done from my dating experience and from what I seen from my roomie.

Guys always pursue the hardest and give the most effort in the beginning. This sticks with us, so when they change or their feelings change, we constantly refer back to how hard they tried before and we remember the best moments—the laughing, the play fighting, the little debates, the connection.

My roomie Gina, very messy girl. Sorry to say it but it irks the HECK out of me. She very dirty, seems boring because her boyfriend is over 24/7 yet she barely talks to him and he does most of the talking, and when they fight she seems a bit insecure which I get is normal. Yet he is still CRAZY about her he does not care. If a man chooses you, that’s it, you can’t change his mind.

However, I also think if someone doesn’t choose you, it doesn’t matter how perfect and sane you are.. I highly recommend not keeping your hopes too high. Yes, there is a possibility you two can work things out. But in my opinion you deserve someone who chooses you even at your worst, or what you consider to be your worst. I’m sorry you’re hurting, and this pain is probably going to last a while but you will get through this with our help I promise you. You’ll be ok whether he gives it another shot or not!