I’m so hurt right now. I have been in a relationship for the past few months which has come to an end today. I am hurt most by the fact that this persons reasoning is that they did not want to deal with my anxiety and depression. They said “what if something happens and you freak out, I am left being the dominant person and I don’t want that”. They said that I was doing everything great and that this is the thing that they can’t get past. I’m hurt because I don’t know how to continue with this. She had literally seen me have only one episode to which she seemingly helped, and I let her know early on that this was an issue I’m improving on.
Apparently I have not been able to improve enough. I’m so anxious for the future that this will always be with me and will drive people away. I’m so tired of feeling anxious over relationships. It has been so long since anyone made me feel like this and now it’s gone because of something that I can’t control.
One thing that gets me more confused is that this person has their own mental health issues to deal with (bipolar disorder) and It seems like she was not able to reciprocate support and effective in the same way I was.
I’m sad, and I’m afraid for the future and how this will effect my relationships. I feel defeated and alone. Why is it so hard to find someone that can treat me the way I treat them? Why can’t I be appreciated romantically?
I’m in need of kind words right now, I’m so sorry for the silence on my end as I haven’t been able to use this app in quite a while and it’s my first time signing back in for help
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kspeidell
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kspeidell, it always saddens me when relationships end because of something we can'thelp in ourselves. Rather than rejection, we need compassion and understanding.
I'm very surprised that having bipolar, your friend doesn't see the important in this.
However, do not feel defeated or alone. Take this instance as a learning experience.
You can have anything you want in this life if you believe in yourself. One day when the
time is right, someone will walk into your life and accept you and love you unconditionally
Thank you for your kind words Agora, you’ve always had great things to say to me.
I think that the fact that she did not understand that this is something that has to be dealt with compassion and not rejection is the part that bothers me most. One would think that we would be able to help each other, but that’s not what she wants. It just hurts so bad and I’m so afraid that my anxiety will always keep me from meeting someone right…
Changing negativity has always been very hard for me. I’m getting better at it though, which is why I’m taken through a loop with this. I’m getting a lot of comfort in what you said about how some people just can’t get themselves to be able to care for someone else but that’s one of the things I’m having the hardest time with. I thought things were okay and that she was one of those people but I was wrong unfortunately.
It’s just hard not to go through this and immediately think this is just going to be more damage for me to deal with in future relationships. Sometimes I feel like I’m not mentally strong enough to be in one.
I feel so sorry for you at the moment 😢, but don't beat yourself up, and you're ex partner seems like she had her own personal problems as well, bipolar is a difficult condition to work with, and without medication it can be really difficult for them to understand your own personal problems.Relationships aren't scored on points,and don't start to try and figure out your own personal problems, because at the moment you are feeling raw, and being judgemental on yourself won't help matters.
Sometimes a Relationship comes to an end, and this has come out the blue, bipolar individuals can act like this, so, non of this might be your doing, so, you are racking your brain for answers.
Give yourself some time to heal, take a break, your heart might feel like it's broken, but you will get better, and dust yourself off, and life will start over again ✨
I think she did but she said how much she values mental health and basically made it seem like my issues were “too much” or I was “too ill”, and made it seem as if my emotions were a bad thing..
Hmm, I would take that with a pinch of salt, and try not to swallow that sad excuse, I've seen how some people with bipolar can be, and unfortunately they can be quite unreasonable, to put it mildly, having emotions is ok!!! And it makes us who we are, we aren't all robots, so continue being human, and you'll find someone who understands your kinder side, and don't worry what's been said, move on, you'll find someone who appreciates your feelings better than just being a cold and heartless soul, don't worry you'll find someone else who is better suited for you, and you'll understand that, life is for living 😇
Thank you cb. I keep coming back to what you and others are saying. Im having a very hard time rationalizing this and how it has made me feel. It’s so hard not to blame myself in this situation and move forward without feeling like something is up. I never thought it would be this difficult to find someone with compassion that can reciprocate the way I treat someone.
Trust me, I know someone with bipolar, and hopefully nobody will jump down my throat before I say anything wrong about people with this condition, which is a recognised health condition, they can blow hot and cold, and make some strange decisions, so please, give yourself some time, any break up is extremely difficult, and your wounds are raw, give yourself time to heal, and stay away from social media, because this will drive your mind round the bend, especially if she's the type to flaunt herself , because life can throw some nasty surprises up, listen to an older man with a wise head, best wishes 😇
So sorry. Some people, especially those who have not worked through their own mental health issues, just may not have the capacity to be the strength for someone else.
In College, the two people I thought were my only friends, were wary enough to sit down and say they had to walk away from me. I was angry and anxious for years because of that. In hindsight, it is a healthy thing for that person.
I know it is hard on you. But you have to remember that any growth you want to make has to be for yourself. Use this time to experiment with different strategies: gratitude journals, meditation, affirmations, talk therapy, changing diet, exercise, educate yourself on everything you can find. I started hypnotherapy and meditation this year. I have audiobooks for the car. I use Headspace and Pandora for meditation and sleep music.
Take the judgement out. You did nothing wrong. Now, you xn focus on learning from the experts like Jay Shetty, Gabor Mate, Lewis Howes podcasts talks to all the experts.
Thanks Midori,I’ve considered that, which is understandable but I’m just thrown by the fact that I took on all of this persons issues and everything, and yet they couldn’t get over the fact that I have similar issues like that and actually be there for me. Essentially now making me feel bad or that I’m “too emotional” or that my anxieties will continue effecting my relationships now.
I didn’t even know my anxiety was an issue to her til it was over. If she had taken the time to talk to me about it I would have been able to explain myself to her.
Thank you! I’m surprised because my friend seemed like she had it under control but when I think about it, I find it weird how quickly things changed and I have to wonder how much of this breakup is actually due to HER issues manifesting (flighty behavior, unwillingness to understand others situations, etc so she wasn’t able to truly care for someone else) and less to do with me managing my anxieties.
It just hurts being called “too emotional” and being told that they need someone who is more dominant. Definitely just makes me feel inadequate for anyone…
Well I’m very sorry you’ve had to go through this. My story is very different but has some similarities. My ex-husband told me that he was afraid I couldn’t “take care of myself,” that, say, there was a fire, he couldn’t depend on me not to panic. This was long before my RA diagnosis and I had no symptoms, just some mild anxiety.
Next thing you know he’s moving in his new girlfriend (😂 funny/not funny). The point is, your friend may have other things going on that they haven’t shared with you. You and I are left feeling like chopped liver.
I went on to live independently very nicely for the next ten years, getting my master’s degree, etc. before I married my current husband. This was all a long time ago.
Ironically, the woman he left me for left him after 7 or 8 years. Then he came down with MS, and I imagine would have had to have help getting out of a burning building should that have happened, as he was in a wheelchair. He died last year.
This sounds very similar to what has happened actually! I think that’s what her issue was, is that she would think I would freak out at something happening- which has never happened. My anxiety typically shows up with people leaving me, judgement etc. but I feel like she never took the time to understand that which is just so hurtful. She was bipolar so I honestly only have some grasp of what her reasoning was, in which I asked how someone who expects to be treated properly and with care would leave when someone needs a bit of reassurance. I don’t understand how this pretty minimal episode lead to her leaving. If you don’t mind my asking, how have other partners or even your current husband dealt with, or reacted to your anxieties? Typically people are really supportive which is why I don’t understand what has happened.
I’m quite concerned that this will continually show up in relationships and continue to drive others away..
I am so sorry to read this. It hurts my heart to hear that someone is cold enough to break up with someone just because of a disability they didn't choose. With your ex dealing with bipolar you would think she would be even more understanding that it's hard living with things you can't control. Maybe one of the others commenting were right, she probably has some issues on her own she can't control and it's hard to take care of someone else when you can barely take care of yourself. Which doesn't make it easier for any of us, unfortunately. I've never dealt with this personally but all I can say is use this time to better yourself, no mental illnesses just don't go away but at least you have time to focus on improving them for the next one who comes along. One thing I wish I did was realize my anxiety and deal with it more before jumping into another relationship. I am able to manage but I feel like it might've been more beneficial that way. I know this is hard to understand, but maybe be thankful for this time you have to work on your mental health. 😊
You see, it is not always possible to find a person with whom you will live in kindness, mutual understanding, and harmony. It is very important to understand that this is completely normal. But I understand that you can get anxiety or depression, being aware of it. In such a case, one can turn to counsellinginmelbourne.com.... . Relationship counseling is a process, where you can freely express your thoughts and feelings without the fear of being judged. And it is very important to have such a place, or such people with whom you can be yourself. Next, try to focus on your own goals and plans, preferably long-term. Very often, long-term goals help keep you motivated for a long time to work further. You can also try meditation, reading books and self-development, which are also good for your mental health.
kspeidell I am so sorry this happened to you, and I hope you are able to give yourself the time and space you need to grieve. It could be that she had so many issues of her own, she was not able to put more energy into helping you. Or maybe she just doesn't have a heart to reciprocate the kind of energy you put into her. In any case, this reflects more on her own issues and pain than it does on anything about you personally. But just because this happened with her doesn't mean it will happen with everyone else. This is one incident; remember that it doesn't define your future. I hope you're okay right now, and I wish you well on your grieving journey.
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xx
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