relationship anxiety

[DogsR00L]

Hi friends

For a little backstory - I’ve been single for the last few years (I’m in my late 20’s), and throughout that time I really worked on my anxiety, obsessive thinking (and overthinking), meditating, and I really thought that I had conquered my anxiety (I know, I know…it’s a lifelong journey 😭).

But as I’ve gotten more serious in my current relationship, my anxiety has come back full force. Before, I had no problem letting go, being alone, etc. But now, it’s like my fear of abandonment has taken me over. My boyfriend and I had a major argument a few weeks ago that I think really triggered these feelings for me. I want to give us both space to figure things out…but I can’t seem to stop asking him to reassurance and I can’t stop feeling the need to constantly talk about our issues.

While I think that’s natural to a certain extent, I want to find a way to leg go a little bit more and stop trying to control the situation. For my sake & his. Does anyone have any tips or suggestions for this? Can anyone relate?

I want to learn to control these thoughts even when I’m triggered. But I can’t stop obsessing about all the negative feelings that came with our argument. Please help! 🫶🏼

[Dolphin14]

Welcome to the community

Was this your first big argument?

Of this is a re occurrence of things you thought you had resolved in the past, maybe it's time to do some of those things again? Sort of a refresher and a re set?

This is a lifelong thing that's so true. You just have to learn to manage the symptoms

Best of luck to you

🐬

[Dragoonlady]

Honestly reach out for couples counseling, it's not a bad thing it's going to give you both a safe space to tall about what you both are feeling and give you the tools to really work on the relationship that way hey you can express what you are thinking and feeling with a professional and so can he. Lot people think being in CC is a sign of failure it's not, it's giving you both a opportunity for growth and understanding.

[mcarrut1]

I struggle with this too. All I can say is talk to someone. I talk to my therapist about where these feelings come from and try to work through them. It’s not easy but you are so afraid of losing people

[Hidden]

Hi DogsROOL,

When you have past trauma or issues of abandonment. you’re going to unknowingly bring those issues into every relationship you have, which will always be a problem and heighten your anxiety. It’s not your fault, it’s just an inevitable reality in a relationship.

Any chance you can take a time out from boyfriend and do some in-depth inner healing on your own? If he cares, he’ll respect that and you two will have a better chance in the future. I realize this is difficult and not an ideal solution in the here and now, but it guarantees more success for you individually, you’ll feel better about yourself and any future relationships you have. Otherwise, you’re destined to repeat the same cycles with the same anxieties appearing over and over, regardless of the person you’re in a relationship with.

Take care of yourself, focus on you, and give it some time.🙏

[LoveforAll41]

Howdy DogsR00L, I think that this new anxiety shows that you really value this relationship, which I think is great. I also think it is great that you have done work on yourself and made progress and are ready for a relationship that you really value.

I think it is very important as well that you realize your partner's feelings are not in your control. Even if I was able to double my salary and afford a big home, my wife still may feel like things are cluttered and trapped. I am okay where we are, but I do feel really bad that my wife is not, but I can't help with that quickly. I ask for reassurance all the time "you love me even though I don't make enough to afford a house?" Or stuff like that. I also spice it up and add some joking to it, "you love me even though I'm a stingy ornery b******?" She understands and asks if I love her even though she has OCD and clutter and germs drive her crazy. There can be a way for relationships to work if both parties are committed, we can't control the other though.

Anyway I love David Burns work, he has some relationship and communication books.

So, moving forward, I would suggest recognizing and feeling your anxiety. What is it trying to tell you? That you value this relationship? That you don't want to hurt your boyfriends feelings? That maybe you found a topic that you didn't know you felt so strongly about? Thank those feelings for the message, validate them, then move on with some logical decisions. It may just be living with an awareness that keeping toothpaste off the threads of the tube is really important to your boyfriend.

I think couples counseling is a great suggestion to learn how each other communicate and value things and all sorts of stuff. We have talked of going many times but haven't yet. I wish you peace, hope, and strength in your journey.☮️