Hi. Let’s start with I’ve had some level of depression all my life. In 2018, my mother died very unexpectedly. She was only 72. For one reason or another, I had lived with her the majority of my life. She divorced when I was in high school. We lived in NY (state not city). Her family was in Chicago so when I moved, she followed me. We bought a house together. A much nicer home than we would have been able to afford if we’d bought separate homes. She was my best friend.
Losing her was devastating. I did know know how much she meant to me until she was gone. Plus, I’d always thought I was a loner until I realized I had never been alone. I have been unable to breathe since. I cry at everything. The house looks horrible. She’s kill me if she was here.
I would have been actively suicidal after she died if I wasn’t responsible for three wonderful, loving, loyal cats. I get out of bed because of them. I work full time but I’m a zombie and more and more easily irritated. In a way COVID was a blessing. Telecommuting gives me a much better opportunity to act fine when the camera is on, instead of trying to do it for an entire day. I’m so tired of being like this. My brief is almost as great as the day I found her and I haven’t made it past “she shouldn’t be dead.”
I am on antidepressants. We’ve adjusted my meds with no luck. He’s now telling me I have treatment resistant depression and wants me to talk to someone who does TMS. I also started seeing a counselor for my grief issues in February. Good thing too with COVID, I was working 6-7 days a week at our Emergency Operations Center. Sometimes doing 12hour shifts. She helped me with that stress. Now I’m home alone. My best friend lives over an hour away and we cannot do our monthly dinners.
I apologize for the length of this. I’m at a crossroads and I don’t know how to proceed towards regaining my life. If you made it this far through my ramblings, do you have any suggestions? I know I can’t stay like this any longer.
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Becket70
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I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. It sounds like you've reached out and done some great things to help yourself. Never give up hope. I know your mother would want that for you.
I lost my mother 12-27 15 and she was the only close family I had. It was unexpected but she was a lot older. I knew it would be the hardest thing I ever had to deal with and it was. But I can tell you that it does get better with time it doesn't hurt me anymore I finally went through all the stages of grief and have accepted it. There are grief groups that are free I don't know about with covid-19 if thyre online or not. I was just reading about warm lines instead of hotlines for crisis calls. There's a lot of them now , someone to talk to. And I'm here if you'd like to message me. I'll pray for you. It does get better. Pray meditate make a gratitude list every day , get some sunshine, walking is excellent for depression ,listen to good music read uplifting books. I don't know if you've read any Eckhart Tolle or Michael Singer they're about getting rid of the self the ego. They're both on YouTube I watch a lot of uplifting videos on YouTube. Hope this helps stay strong.
Hello
I can relate to your pain .. it sounds like you had a wonderful bond with your Mother. To loose her suddenly has probably sent you into shock too. Your life has changed overnight.
I lost myself when i lost my Mum in 2013, suddenly. She was 64. Nothing is the same.
It takes along time to work through the emotions that come along when you loose someone very close to you. Never in the order they state when grieving. I revisit many stages still ! ... I will never get over it ... I just try to live with it the best way I can. Whether that be on and off therapy and antidepressants.
I think you are doing the best you possibly can, but be patient with yourself.
Thank you. Patience has never been one of my strong traits. I had tried therapy early on but didn’t like the counselor, too young... No offense to those just starting in that field, but I needed someone with life experience to help me. I tried a support group at the nearby church but it was for suicides. They were very nice and listened to me. When I mentioned how good the cops were when waiting with me, the one gentleman (probably 60s-70s) nearly broke down. I guess they were treated like they had murdered their daughter and it was 30 years ago. Needless to say I didn’t fit in and didn’t go back. I finally went to someone two people at work recommended in February. I just felt I’d plateaued for quite a while and I wasn’t progressing like I had hoped I would. Has she helped? I’m still lost at “she shouldn’t be dead” but I guess I’m not feeling as abandoned as I had. And yes I know it wasn’t her choice to leave me.
On the plus side, my dad manned up and has been there for me. He made it clear he was unhappy with the obituary and tried telling me his grief was as great as mine (I almost disowned him then and there). We didn’t have a good relationship when I was young and they divorced in 1984, but remained pretty good friends after the dust settled. Eventually we made up and I talked with him every couple of weeks, but he picked me up and took me to the funeral (I had her buried with her parents which is what she wanted). And except for those few points it up for discussion, he’s been close. We talk usually twice a week. Sometimes more. He has a smart phone now and an iPad so he’ll text almost daily. He had major surgery the same year as mom died, I went and spent time with him before. I was terrified of losing him and then truly feeling alone. Yes I have some good friends, but as we all know, the mind and heart think what they want and not necessarily the truth.
Well I didn’t intend to write so much or ramble.
By the way, to everyone who reads this... this is not a political leaning one direction or the others... but if you didn’t mail in a ballot or do early voting, don’t forget to vote today if you are registered. Vote for whoever you believe in, but don’t be silent and not cast a vote.
Back to you Heidi, thank you. It’s nice to hear I’m doing what I can. Sometimes someone on the outside looking in will see more than the individual with the problem.
Hi Becket70 ...how are you ? I totally understand what you mean by the different therapies you experienced not suiting you. However, I know it’s frustrating but it’s good you acknowledged that early on ...don’t give up reaching out for therapy .. the right one or group will come along ! .. I found with Grief therapy I didn’t see the benefits until further down the line.. coping strategies etc.. i think at the time I used them as a crutch as I was that distressed at the time ..I to get when you state your “Mother shouldn’t have passed”... I was stuck at that stage for a while, going over everything constantly in my mind.
Bond between a Mother and child is powerfully strong ... perhaps you Dad should not have said or compared his grief, to that of yours. I hope your relationship with your Dad mends.... it sounds like you both are in positive communication stage .. and supporting one another. I didn’t find my friends that helpful through my grief, without sounding selfish, they either were to scared to approach the subject, or loosing patients with the length of time it can take to move through different stages of grief. Difficult I do expect if someone hadn’t experienced that type of trauma to understand. As I never know what to say to people normally that has experienced a loss.
I wish you all the very best on your healing journey, it is one step forward, two steps back for a while, be patient with yourself x
Mom’s best friend would call me every weekend. I looked forward to it. But then you could tell she was getting tired of me not moving forward. It’s not by choice people!! Like I choose to be the way I am. My counselor says she feels I’ve never had the opportunity to really process and grieve like I should because something else always has precedence. I’m usually in crisis mode at work. Last year I was hospitalized three times and spent two months working through what started as a kidney stone blocking the kidney.
Two things about that... mom had the same problem a few years before. First off, for those unaware... kidney stone pain is typically caused when the stone moves from the kidney. When a stone blocks the exit, there is no telltale pain. By the time we decided to take her to the hospital, she was septic, afib, and in bad shape. I asked the doctor and he agreed she was only a day or two away from not existing. So I know what could have happened. Fortunately I had an extremely high fever though my diagnosis only came after two days in the hospital. The other thing, I’d forced myself to take a cruise with a friend to Mexico and Belize. We returned one week prior to the start of the fever. I could have been airlifted into a foreign country and so on.... I used up my nine lives, I think... But two laser sessions, another hospitalization, and two months later, kidney stone (and stent) free. I’d never been lonelier than those weeks in the hospital. Not that you needed to know all that...
Anyway, after she explained that to me, I though ok this year should be a little easier at work. No stones. Maybe I can face this. Three weeks later... pandemic! And I’m working 6-7 days a week up to 12 hour days at the state emergency operations center for three months. Then my regular job kicked in and because of postponements, it suddenly was overwhelming. And I don’t see that easing until early May.
In the meantime, I’ve stopped eating when I’m at home. I’m now telecommuting so that’s a problem. My depression and back pain have severely set back keeping the clean. Two of my cats are black. The carpet cream. You do the math. And I can list off a couple other... I call them demons... that need addressed... like excessive daytime sleepiness (Sometimes I can’t fight it and I fall asleep for hours) or not being able to wake up in the am ( I have two 120dB alarms with vibrators under my pillow, 3 old fashion bell alarms,and a friend who calls until I answer the phone if I don’t text her by a certain time - one day she called non-stop for 1/2 hour).
I can’t fix everything at once I know. But where does one start? And yes I’m seeing a sleep doctor, I wear a CPAP, I’m in pain management, and so on.
I think I had a final purpose to this rambling when I started but I’ve forgotten what it was... patience is one of my acknowledged short comings. I talked with dad for an hour last night. So I’m still connected there, though like all parents he can drive me nuts. Good thing he’s six hours away some days. I have a couple friends who are very supportive. Three lost their fathers young. Two of those know exactly what I’m going with work.
Yes one step forward, two steps back. Maybe if I turn around and try going the other direction I’ll make some progress in the direction I’d rather go... hmm. Interesting thought, how would I do that? But if you made it thru all that, thank you for your response... I appreciate the encouragement.
I am sorry about the loss of your mother, especially how close the two of you were. I totally agree with Marysblue . Try to find an online support group that you can find others who have been or are in the same place that you are. You can help each other. ( I know of a really good support group called Celebrate Recovery; celebraterecovery.com Go to >CR Groups> Find a group to search in your area.
When I find myself down, I turn to God and pray for help. I pray a little prayer such as this: "Dear Heavenly Father, I am down, I do not know what to do or what to say. I need you! I need your help! Please help me through this time. Settle my mind down so I can think. Please give me calm and peace so I can rest. Ease my spirit so that you can give me the right thoughts and direction of where to go and what to do. Thank you, Jesus! Amen"
Thank you JK. I would be relieved if my soul would stop crying. Until then, one day at a time.
Some days when people ask how I am - you know they just want the polite “good, how are you” response - I answer “putting one foot in front of the other.” Some day I’ll reach my destination.
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