This past January my best friend of 30 years died suddenly at the age of 58, we were known as Thelma & Louise. she literally saved my life 4 years ago when I tried to take my own life. Since then, she would spend every wkend with me, my hubby & daughter. So, I will never feel alone again! Yes, in January I was fighting kidney failure, but wz sum what still functioning daily life, living off of phenagran for nausea. She only lived 30 minutes from me, she had came over that wkend but by mid wk she was fighting a respiratory infection , she also had Scleroderma (which she brushed off as just being a skin disorder) to me. In her last texts to me she was telling me she needed 1 of Of My Xanaxs, I had at that time, to help relax her pain attacks cz of breathing probs, but I didn’t go and yes I was in pain, nauseated, bloated & I kept begging her to go to the ER and she wouldn’t (hardhead) but, in the past she at fault days like this so in my mind I thought it would pass-wrong!! When her son checked on her on the 4th day, she was gasping & bad color. Rushed to ER, intubated & ICU, induced coma. On the 3rd day I was finally able to go see her, (we were as close as lesbians as you can get,at being heterosexual). She opened her eyes briefly but not long and then that afternoon she stopped using the bathroom, they did emergency surgery and found her whole intestinal system had had a stroke like, caused by lack of O2 & Scleroderma-it was all gray and dead they gave her about 6hrs to live. I rushed up there, hysterical and was told by her mom to keep it down because I was upsetting her family ,wow! (she was half of me), none of them knew her like I knew her. & to top things off, I found out at her service (FYI: her family is not lacking money) but
only $3000 was spent on the entire service- she deserved the world!! But she was known as the black sheep of the family , cz she didn’t let money change her & she was the one with the biggest heart. I’m battle grief every day but especially every Friday and yes I’ll see a psychiatrist and yes I know all about God‘s plan and blah blah and I couldn’t change nothing, I know all about all that ,but that don’t change my heart, even when people say ..she wouldn’t want you to be sad ! that don’t change how I feel it’s like we were one person. YOU SEE.. ITS NOT ONLY THAT IM BATTLING:: there’s that, chronic pain & chronic anxiety, no communication from my hubby, i’m never have felt supported by my Hubby where others are involved, 1 of his sisters is putting judgment on me thinking I had an affair on him,during the time that I took my life, because of sum text msgs I sent to a male friend at the time. No one was sexual but they were expression of how he was making me feel invisible and unattractive,& this friend boosted me up. I did not step out of my vows with him but are year ago he married and their first fight she went through his phone and decided to cause little trouble in someone else’s world and that would be mine! she put a call into my husband, he decided to send his sister to meet this lady to read text messages (instead of him going himself) and she told his entire huge family, her opinion of what she thought happened ,but never did. The only one that could prove on my behalf was my best friend that died in January and this was in March. We never
separated & have moved on ...except for the part of him never making One phone call to that sister, who is still very pissed at Our Private Life!!! But in my eyes it’s my Hubbyy❤️’s fault because all he had to do was make one phone call & say look ..I’m happy, she’s my wife, get over it ! but that seems to be too much trouble. He’s even allowed my ex-husband to call me the C Word etc. - he’s a great man to me otherwise, I just do not feel the strength that a man should give a woman to protect and shield her from this ugly world. Then my mom is all about her- no one else, my family knows the void in my life since January and not 1 person has knocked on my door or rang my phone. — To sum it all up:: the 3 loved ones that knew my heart inside and out have all passed away in the last six years & the 3 loved ones I have now are all oversensitive ,do you not know when I’m joking or serious and I’m a joker w/ a dry sense of humor so they think.. so they always think I’m serious and even when I am severely sick, recovering from surgery, (this past May), 38 staples in my tummy, using a walker, with a catheter ,feeling faint, throwing up and I didn’t choose one or two words correctly ...I was left in my house alone because they took it the wrong way. I was left in my bathroom, naked, feeling faint, weak and full of shit all over me and throwing up on the floor and all I heard was the slam of the front door. So even when I’m sick I have to take time out and think about the words I’m going to use, so I don’t get left alone and have the help I need . Y’all....what is wrong with people please tell me ??
and I pray and pray and have gotten stronger in my faith but the devil plays with me and makes me ask : “why do I have to fight to be loved “ ?
Grief & Insomnia
Grief 
Grief 
Alone and unimportant
I Know I'm Not The Only One, But I'm Lonely As Ever
