***CAUTION THIS IS A LONG POST AND IS A LOVE STORY/ANXIETY CONFESSION***
The wife and kids went to bed early tonight so I decide to have some time to myself and watch some movies that I watched when I was younger. This has made me look back at my life and think about what I have left unaccomplished in my life and it turns out that is quite a bit. I know this is a safe place for me to express my feelings so here we go!
My anxiety has been caused by alot of things abusive father, loved ones passing, and so forth but I feel like another major part of my depression and anxiety is that I didn't marry my true love... I met my true love when I was 15 and man was she intriguing to me everyday was something new and I truly never deserved her but for some reason she still wanted to be with me. She was and still is so beautiful and everyday for us was like the first day and even in year 2 of our relationship we would still talk on the phone until 5-6 in the morning. We loved being together and around each other, but it ended almost as quick as it began... We were together for 2 1/2 beautiful years but for some reason the last month of our relationship we started to drift apart. She started going to parties and seemed to start becoming more interested in hanging out with her friends at parties then being with me which caused me to become anxious and jealous... I still remember the night that I wanted to change things and try to make everything work like they once did. It was election day 2008 and we had made the decision to have a day out together just the two of us. So I saved up my paycheck to do something really special for her and come the morning of she hit me with a bombshell letting me know that one of her friends was coming and that her friend was driving us. So needless to say I didn't get the chance to do anything special with her and in fact once they got there to pick me up they put me in the back seat and we literally drove around for 3-4 hours without either of them really including me or speaking to me about anything... After they dropped me off she didn't call me that night and after I tried to call her multiple times she finally answered and she was at a party celebrating the election of Obama which she had never mentioned to me or even invited me so I decided to wait until the next day to decide anything because I loved this girl so much that I didn't want to break up with her.
I had decided that night that I was going to wait and see if she called me any and if she didn't then I knew she was no longer interested in me and it was time to go separate ways. The next day when I woke up the first thing I done was got the phone and checked the caller id and her number wasn't there. I kept the phone by my side the entire day while doing things to try and keep my mind off what was going on. So I finally gave in at around 10-11 pm and decided to try to call her... When I called her brother answered and said she was already asleep which was highly unusual for her because she was a night owl.... I once again didn't break up with her I decided to wait it out and see what happened the next day.... The next day she did call me but I can't remember the time the only thing I can remember is that it was dark and raining because we lived beside a church and I was sitting under the church shelter when my dad started hollering for me... I came in and honestly I wasn't expecting him to be hollering because she was on the phone I thought he was hollering because it was getting late. When I got on the phone with her I honestly had nothing to say... I had this heaviness in my heart that made it seem like I had a knot in my throat and couldn't get many words out.... I think she knew by the tone of my voice and the lack of conversation that I was carrying on that something was wrong and she ended up breaking up with me before I could muster up the courage to do it first.... The last time I seen her was about 2 weeks later when she unexpectedly came to my house to get her clothes by that time she had moved on and found someone else but I didn't care I was just so happy to see her and I think she knew that I had been depressed because my mom had let her in and when she came to my room she had to wake me up because at this point I was sleeping ALL the time and she actually sit and talked to me for an hour or two which helped me tremendously... Before she left for the last time I asked her to wait and she faced towards me before she opened my bedroom door and I just looked at her and told her that I just wanted to get one last mental image of her before she was gone forever and her last response to me was " You can hug me if you want to " and immediately I grabbed her and gave her a huge bear hug and told her that I would always love her and thanks for everything. I wanted to kiss her so bad one last time but I couldn't I just wanted to have this memory this haunting loving memory.
Till this day I am not sure what happened, where we went wrong... If it was me or if it was her... I never got closure or an explanation, but she did bless me with the most amazing 2 1/2 years of my life and I will always be thankful to her for that, but the heaviness in my chest is still there, the pain is still there, and I think about her everyday...
I know this may not be the best place to post this but god it makes me feel so good just to talk about it and confess all of this here for the first time!
Sleepless for a long period
No Rest for the Wicked: Anxiety & Sleepless Nights
Thinking about really hurting myself.
Update & searching for calm
Need opinions on a cause of my anxiety - my girlfriend
