I wish it would end

[ComingUpRoses]

I'm so tired of living. Half of any week I'm depressed. I'm burnt out on life. All of it. I'm horribly burnt out on my job, but honestly nothing will change getting a different one. I'll just be selling my life to someone else. I think about suicide at least a few days every week. I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of pushing after going on two decades. You get told to not end your life for the sake of others because it's selfish. Maybe it's selfish of them to ask me to keep living in pain?

I'm sorry, I'm just so tired. I'm exhausted having to keep going in circles on this ride of life. There's no break.

[MountainLover22]

I know this will likely sound like every single person you've ever expressed these feelings towards, but I promise you matter, you are important, and the world needs you. Try to think of each day as a battle you've won, and once you've seen how strong you been each and every day, that could just be enough for a pick-me-up for the next day, a push for why you are strong and important. Life is crazy, especially lately, and we are constantly looking for the exit sign to get off this ride we didn't necessarily ask to be on or enjoy. I am here to talk if you need it, but I know you matter to me, you are important to me, and I know you bring joy, even if you don't see it.

[ComingUpRoses in reply to MountainLover22]

Thanks. It's so hard to see myself as needed to the people in my life. I feel so much I'm difficult and a pain to deal with, so they'd be better off without me around. I can't see it otherwise. Given how long I've dealt with this, why do I wanna keep going like this for another several decades? I don't. I dunno, it is what it is at the end of the day. I appreciate your kind words. Thank you.

[MountainLover22 in reply to ComingUpRoses]

You may feel like a pain and difficult to deal with, but I know all of us here do not see you as a burden at all. We are here to help you and talk to you in any way we can. You matter to us and we will always lift you up and listen to what you have to say, no questions asked and no judgement.

[Crich1982]

I feel just as you do, like ‘when will I wake up from this gut-wrenching nightmare?’ It’s like there’s this avalanche that won’t stop. On top of the usual depression/anxiety is everything you see happening in the world today and especially the US. Wildfires, police brutality, COVID-19 worldwide, political warfare and dishonesty. I’m burnt out at work. I’m burnt out with my family. I’m burnt out being mom. I’m burnt out being girlfriend. I’m finally where I want to be in my adult life (except for wanting to be married) and now I’m scared I’m going to lose it all because I’m too scared to talk to people. I have meetings today and even though they’re virtual I still can’t muster the nerve to face my colleagues. I feel like they see me as worthless and maybe even lazy even though I know that’s not true. I want to work and help people but my social anxiety makes me freeze up. All my life I pushed myself to interact and socialize with people when inside I was having panic attacks at just the anticipation of social interactions. I thought the harder I pushed, the easier it would become but it hasn’t. I think it’s gotten worse. I’ve always pushed myself to do my best no matter what it is but I’ve run out of courage, humerus, nerve, whatever you want to call it, to do any of that. I don’t have the mental and emotional energy. And I know I’m letting people down.

[ComingUpRoses in reply to Crich1982]

I am sending you a huge virtual hug. I feel you on a deep level. You keep pushing, because that's what you're supposed to do. People tell you it gets better, and you keep waiting for when that happens. I wish I knew what the answer was for all of us in this boat. At least we have other souls that understand what we're going through.

[Crich1982 in reply to ComingUpRoses]

I’m sending a big virtual hug right back to you 🤗 Thank you for your sweet words and thoughts. We’re in this together, no matter how alone we feel sometimes. You keep pushing, too 💜

[N-cole]

Your life is a miracle. You are a miracle. I don't know you, we are probably continents apart, but you have touched me today, and I feel like I know you. I am rooting for you, and I want you to live. I want you to get the help you deserve without being judged. If anyone has showed you impatience and made you feel like a burden, it's because we are all imperfect human beings with all our limitations. But don't let that define you. Ending your life is an extreme measure. What do you hate most about your life? It can be 1 things or 3 things, I don't know. Walk away or remove yourself, even temporarily, from those things. What's the worst that could happen considering that the other option you are contemplating is ending your life. No job is that important, no life commitment is that important against the value of your life, walk away from what is hurting you right now and see how you feel. You might even find that you can discover something else worth living for.

[ComingUpRoses in reply to N-cole]

No matter how much things change, they remain the same. A different job, a new place to live, at the end of the day, I'm still me. Still trying to pull through. It's been such a long, long time like this. I don't believe things get better. They haven't. This cycle just goes on. I appreciate your kind words.

[Hidden]

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, I have similar feelings myself sometimes. It's really hard feeling like you're in a rut you can't get out of. Sometimes you have to purposely try to do something different or take some kind of action. I'm starting to see a therapist tomorrow even though it's going to cost a bunch of money I really don't want to spend. I've had so many angry and sad emotions for so long that I'm giving it a try. With this pandemic I know we all feel stuck in Groundhog day, but time marches on and I prefer to believe that we're all going through a transformation and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I don't want to just talk in cliches , I know it's really hard to deal with, just don't give up. Do something creative you don't usually do, even fingerpainting or something!!! I've been sewing some patches on an old pair of jeans to give them a new look. Maybe just buy some new makeup and try something a little different. Practice good self care.

[ComingUpRoses in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I've tried some things here and there, it usually doesn't last long. I really wish you all the best luck seeing a counselor!! I want nothing more than for those that need help to find the right counselor to help them through. No one deserves to suffer.

[Hidden in reply to ComingUpRoses]

Well, I found out yesterday that pretty soon I'm going to need to buy a new phone, and I decided to cancel the appointment because it really isn't money I can afford to spend now. Now I'm depressed about that!!!! Life can be too rough sometimes for sure. You aren't alone in what you're going through.💖

[ComingUpRoses in reply to Hidden]

I'm so, so sorry. I know how awful of a struggle it is when you finally put yourself out there to try and it doesn't work out. That pain it's deep. Hugs to you.

[Hidden]

Hello...

I’m right there with you.

Fighting an entire war in your head while it seems everyone else is just skating through effortlessly.

Makes you resent the mind you have. I’m sure you would trade the world for 5 minutes without that feeling.

[ComingUpRoses in reply to Hidden]

It's been a long, long war. I don't feel anyone truly understands it. My significant other has never dealt with heavy depression. He doesn't understand what it's like. I would gladly trade so much to just have a break from this. Thank you for your kind words.

[Hidden in reply to ComingUpRoses]

It’s been a long war here too.

I have no answers other than it seems some days I have fight and some days I don’t. I’m iffy on meds. I’m on cymbalta but weed is the ONLY thing that snaps me out of the loathing and helps me move forward. Been using it over 20 years and it’s never let me down.

[ComingUpRoses in reply to Hidden]

I don't have fight some days either. I've tried a few meds with no luck, and don't wanna be on any at this point. Does the cymbalta help? I'm glad weed helps, as sometimes we need something outside ourselves to help keep moving.

[Hidden in reply to ComingUpRoses]

Cymbalta helped me when suicide started to get a lot closer.

I went to a facility for a few days and spent some time with a lot of really sad people. First time I ever tried any meds. It zonked me for a few days and I didn’t sleep well for months but it helped me sober up for over a year and be positive. I’m still on it but I need the weed to keep myself dialed in and just keep being a dad and fair husband in the best state I feel I can be.

I self care whenever possible including dog snuggle time and trips to the gym.

I have a physical job with good guys that helps to keep the good chemicals flowing enough for me not to crack lately I suppose.

I wish you well friend....please keep trying to be the best you can be ❤️

[ComingUpRoses in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, man. Reading your story made me smile. It's comforting to know we're not crazy to feel this way, and we're not alone in our struggles. I'm glad cymbalta helped get you on your feet and away from bad choices.

Keep being you, man. For your partner, for your kid, and for yourself. It sounds like you've done well for yourself. Keep doing the best you can. 💜

[Hidden in reply to ComingUpRoses]

Thank you I’m glad I helped if only for a moment 🙏

[Loueeb]

If you're only depressed half the week, you're lucky. If you're only in your third decade, you're lucky. I'm 71 and haven't had sex in over 15 years. Count your blessings. We are all slaves of the 1%

[ComingUpRoses in reply to Loueeb]

I don't think we're here to compete with whose depression is worse. We should support one another in the darkness, because it's a terrible place to be, no matter how long or how often you are there. I'm sorry life is rough for you. I truly empathize. It's hard to go through depression along with the things life throws at us. Hang in there best you can. 💜

[Noquarter]

I understand. I really do. It is labeled selfish but you are the only one that has to go through it. People do need you though. Trust me there are people that you make happy by simply being here. It is truly hard to see though when you are consumed by gloom. Just have to try and keep looking through.

[AllTimeLow]

I understand. I can't cope and I know I can't cope and I don't know what to do. I hope you find some relief.