I feel so alone. It's 2am where I am, and at night, when I get to thinking, this is when it hits the hardest.
I have to reschedule another appointment. I can't bring myself to go. I don't want to leave the house. I miss how things used to be.
When I was in the hospital, I felt more loved than I ever have before. I woke up to my mom and dad, my sister I hadn't talked to in years spoke to me when I was under on life support. My other sister and my in-laws drove from other states to see me. It brought everyone together. For a month of my life, even though I was so close to dying, I never felt more at peace or more alive.
Now, I'm alone once again. I have a husband, and he's more than amazing, but I know he has to be getting tired of me being so unmotivated. I have my son, but he honestly deserves better, someone who will play with him and teach him new things all the time. I have my in-laws, and they try to support me, but they don't understand.
I can't get out of bed. I can't be at peace with myself. I can't keep it up. I feel guilty, I feel like it'd just be easier if I wasn't here. No more worrying about appointments, or infusions. No more having to put up with my withdrawn and selfish moods. I convince myself that I'm doing my best, but I'm not. Why do I feel so trapped?
Why can't I bring myself to get out of bed and just feel better? It's been at least a month since I last got out of bed and did anything.
I'm so sorry. I just need a friend. Or anyone to talk to. I hate asking because I know everyone has better things to worry about than some random girl on the internet. I'm hurting so much.
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Kat_21
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Sweetheart you have been through a terrible trauma a lifetime change by the sound of it too
I have a husband and daughter and a granddaughter now too so I know how you feel when you say your son dont deserve to have to go through this i get the same feeling I feel I'm such a loser and a burden to anyone especially my close ones . But you deserve better too its not your fault this has happened its not your fault you have stay in bed you need time to recover with what it is you've been through.. our husbands also are more understanding than we realise my husband is my comfort blanket hes my go to. Have you had any contact with your family since you came out of hospital.
I did, me and my dad still talk, but my mom and my sisters don't want anything to do with me. It makes me feel a little better to know I'm not alone. I hate it for you though. I'm sorry you feel this way, too.
anytime sucks ya mum and sisters don't bother but keep your spirits up me and my sisters dont speak either you have your husband and son and your dad dont let that get to you the only way is up from here youve conquered the worst you've survived and you will continue to survive
Nat xx
Hi Kat,
Sweety I am here for e you. You've been through so much you're bed is your safe place. It's perfectly okay to reschedule your appt. You've been through so much trauma self care is number one.
You're in my thoughts and prayers 🙏 Kat_21. Take it one minute at a time.
I work from 2:30 am to about 5:30 pm Thursday-Saturday one week and Wednesday-Saturday the next. Anytime after 6 pm or the days I am off you need to talk, let me know.
I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through this. I don’t know what will work for you but if you force yourself to get up and go for a walk and get some fresh air you might feel a little better. Sometimes we get stuck in a routine that’s not helpful. Try seeing if a walk in nature or anywhere will help. It works for me, temporarily of course but sometimes it’s enough to just distract you from the pain. Go with someone you can talk to if you can. Again I’m sorry about your struggle but you’re not alone. You’ll get through this just keep fighting!
Depression and all sorts of mental illness is something that runs in our family. My mom was very ill and I cannot tell from your message why you were on life support but my mom tried suicide. She had her ups and downs, mood swings, hallucinations - you name it - since I was 5 yrs old. Families are like that - my mom was one of 7 and it was my dad and us who were always there for her. Not knowing how old your son is, I can only assume he is rather young ? Kids are pretty resilient and if you've had this problem for most of his life then it is "normal" to him. That is how it was for us and the 3 of us are all grown women now and we got through it - having a mom who was not OK. I can only say that you need to stay in therapy - I don't think they are miracle workers but I think it is always good to vent and complain and say what you need to say to someone who isn't a family or friend. I find that YouTube has a lot of inspirational speakers and maybe listening to one every morning might help - nothing works overnight - you stick to something and you will notice progress when you least expect it. Good one to listen to is Abraham Hicks - also Deepok Chopra, Oprah, I especially like Dr. Steven Gundry who talks about Lectins (which are in some foods we eat) and how it can have an affect on almost anything we suffer from. You might also want to see a Naturopathic MD or a Functional Medicine MD - they don't accept insurance - so financially it might be expensive but if conventional medicine hasn't helped - it is always helpful to see a healthcare practitioner who THINKS OUTSIDE THE BOX and look at the reviews.
Thank you for all the advice, I will definitely look into a few more doctors. I was on life support due to a rare autoimmune disease called aHUS. My son is a year old, I know that now he doesn't understand. It just pains me to know that, at this point in life, I just don't have it in me to be my best for him. I'm sorry to hear about your mom, I hope she got better.
Kat-21... thank you for the additional info -I looked up aHUS & now it puts things into a better perspective. I now understandable why you feel as you do - - still look into what I and others have suggested. Although there are many challenges, disappointments, anxiety and depression - it is all very understandable. You can focus your attention elsewhere and try listening to YouTube talks or even PodCasts. Many of the inspirational speakers suggest having a nice covered notebook and every morning or night WRITE (dont' use a computer) but write what you are grateful for - even if you feel you can't - TRY. This becomes a habit and can help shift your thoughts and feelings. I know it sounds simple and I have started one and then stop and start back up.. It is called my Gratitude Journal. I try not to complain at all in it, just focus on sifting out the negative or upsets of my day or my illness - It is really a game changer but in order for something to make a change in your life, you should commit to at least 21 days of doing something. Thanks for thought about my mom- she was never cured but she had her good days and that is what we remember.... a Big HUG for you...
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