confused

[ashlynn8]

i’m not sure if i belong here, but i thought maybe this would be a start to some type of help or guidance.

for the past few months, i’ll go thru occasional days or weeks of feeling not good enough, my self esteem is very low, and a lot of the time i’m super sad about so many things. i find myself constantly not feeling good enough in any way; not smart enough, pretty enough, social enough, interesting enough. i’m sensitive and i cry at everything, but i cry the most at night sometimes without a reason at all. about a year ago i moved, started college at a really small community college with no one, i haven’t really made any friends (especially bc of covid), and it’s easy for me to feel lonely at times. i think not having friends here has made everything a lot harder. but at the same time, i’m not feeling a lot of the “common symptoms” of depression so then i think that i’m just sad like everyone else gets. and there’s also a lot of days where i feel okay, or maybe those are just days of me pushing those bad feelings away.

i also started birth control around the time i moved here, and i’ve tried two different pills so far because i thought they were causing these feelings. but, it’s still happening despite the change in the pill. right now i think i’m blaming all of my emotions on the hormones messing with me, but i’m scared that’s me finding a way to avoid real problems.

basically i’m confused as this is all very new to me. i’ve never felt these periods of intense sadness in my life before. i don’t know if this is depression, if it’s a phase, if it’s my birth control, or if i’m just isolated from covid or stressed tf out from college. is it possible to feel this way and not actually be depressed, like will this just go away somehow when things get better? it’s just too much to handle. i don’t want to talk to anyone in my life about it yet, so i don’t know where to go and i don’t know how to handle it. i feel stuck. part of me feels like the stem of all of my problems is my extreme lack of self esteem, but how do i know if that’s not just stemming from something like depression? i just want to feel happy with life and myself and my relationships but feeling this way is really holding me back.

[Hidden]

Hello. You say that you don't want to talk to anybody about this just yet. Why is this (if you don't mind my asking)?

[ashlynn8 in reply to Hidden]

i’m not sure. i think it’s because i don’t know what’s causing it and i don’t know if it’s really depression or what is going on. i’m scared it’ll stress my family out because they’ll think i need therapy and freak out about the cost. i also don’t want to be a burden to the people in my life.

[Hidden in reply to ashlynn8]

I understand. I'm just trying to help you think this through because it can be confusing; you are definitely right about that. It can be overwhelming and scary to go through on your own, though. You are correct in saying that this rough patch might pass, but what if it doesn't? (I hope for your sake that it does, but I thought I'd put the idea out there anyway). A counsellor/therapist/etc. can help you with these questions as they pertain to you. Does your community colleges offer services for free? I know mine offered various types of counselling. Just something to think about.🙂

[Hidden]

I would say it might be helpful for you go to Amazon and get a couple of self help books about dealing with depression and anxiety. Especially maybe something about handling stress going to college. You might also want to try seeing a school counselor there about it if you can. We are all dealing with very rough times these days. You could try to see a therapist once a week, but that can be very expensive. And take it from me, you don't want to see a psychiatrist and start taking medication for depression unless you really think you need to.

[ashlynn8 in reply to Hidden]

thank you. i’ve been considering self help books. do u have anything u suggest?

[Hidden in reply to ashlynn8]

Well I know everyone is different, and what's been helpful to me might not be what would interest you. I happen to be 50 years old and I've had a lot of issues with severe depression and anxiety. One book that is very popular and talks about what a lot of therapists do in cognitive behavioral therapy is Feeling Good by David Burns. You learn how to recognize how some of the thoughts and feelings you have can be some not quite rational thinking. Like all-or- nothing thinking, catastrophizing, and you try to learn how to reframe some of that. And currently, since I myself have a dad that is very hard for me to deal with who I believe is very narcisstic, I enjoy watching Dr Ramani on YouTube. She's a clinical psychologist who knows and understands a lot about narcissism and toxic people and how to cope with them. She's also written a couple of books on these topics. Another book that isn't exactly about depression but that I think has some good advice in it is Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, I forget the author of that. If you have a hard time bringing some things up with your parents I hope you can find someone you can turn to at your school, like a counselor or teacher. I know it can be hard to ask for help but you don't want to let things get to the point where you're really miserable or freaking out. It's actually a sign of strength to ask for help sometimes, that's better than being in denial that nothing is wrong or turning to alcohol or drugs or other strange behaviors. It's okay not to be okay.

[evilspicy in reply to ashlynn8]

There's one that comes to mind, I bought a copy of it a few years back and recently picked it up again. It's not a very long book, so nothing overwhelming. It's called, quite simply "The Depression Book" by Cheri Huber. It's from Keep It Simple Books, is about 150 pages, has illustrations to keep it interesting, and throws in some good mental exercises to get underneath the depression and help reframe how you look at it. I recommend. Hope that helps. Keep your head up!

[Hidden]

First, yes you belong here.

There is a very small chance your birth control is causing depression (it’s like a 2.2-3% chance women on any hormonal birth control will develop depression as the cause).

I’d be looking at environmental and societal factors likely affecting your risk for depression like stressful life events you are describing.

I think you should talk to someone about what you are going through. Are there unresolved reasons for low esteem? Self analysis and being able to get to root causes may be more than you can handle on your own, which there is nothing ever wrong with talking with someone in order to have better quality of life, to be better equipped to handle life’s stresses, especially if they are coming at you from every angle and we get too overwhelmed. Wishing you the best. 🌺💜

[ashlynn8 in reply to Hidden]

thank you ❤️. i’m not sure how to even approach what the unresolved reasons are for low self esteem. i had a really tough childhood with my parents, and still struggle with my parents today. i also was ina toxic relationship for a few years, but i can’t exactly pin point how that would have affected me at all. it’s hard to understand my feelings when i push a lot of the things that upset and hurt me in life deep down so i don’t have to deal with them. thanks for the advice. this is a good first step in me figuring out what’s going on.

[kvolm2016]

Hi Ashlynn8, as you can see from the responses so far this is a great place to process through what you are dealing with and to ask questions. I know for me it is always helpful to get other perspectives on things. I agree with so much of what others have said: having someone you trust to be able to talk to regularly is important, learning the CBT techniques is helpful and you can research that on your own to get started even before working with a counselor, using your school counseling services will be a great resource, and yes there are probably several factors contributing to what you are currently experiencing. Even if you have mild depression, the relocation, the pandemic isolation, the hormonal changes with the pill could all be factors contributing or compounding the depression.

Since you also mentioned the relational trauma from childhood carrying into your current interactions with your parents in addition to the past toxic relationship it would make sense that there are some underlying and unresolved patterns of coping that need to be worked through. For most of us it is tough to do this kind of work on our own because we have blind spots and because it is natural for our mind to take the path of least resistance instead of trying to do the hard work of changing. So if counseling is an option for you at this time that is great and if not, it does sound like you are open to reading and learning. Here is a list of resources that was shared with me: bit.ly/3mC3TLh that might be useful for you too. There is an article written by a college student that you might relate to.

Hope you'll be encouraged by the support here and continue to interact with us!

[LennyL]

Have you ever felt this way before? You are going through many critical changes in your life. College is scary, but the real world even scarier. Other college people are also scared. Trust me. You are an adult. You have to work on your people’s skills. See a college counselor. Every female has their period, they are cramps. In a scale of 1-10 (10 worst) pain level?? And you should be in birth control but you think you should now have sex. No!!! Focus on yourself. You care way too much what people think of you. You say your scared in college, what are you going to do when you are competing with even more in the real world.