Confused

[Food22]

so I live with my sister since I was 11years and I’m 28 now,, it hasn’t been perfect. She’s a good person and cares for me. Her husband is also a good person, one in a million.. I’m not trying to be ungrateful but I’ve been depressed for a long time living here. Whenever I went to school i was happy but when the closing hours came close,I think of home and I just get anxious and feel like I didn’t want to come back. Because my sister is a demoraliser, she says things to me like “your useless, u will get me divorced, ur stupid, you don’t have a brain” etc,, she says so many discouraging things to me and talks down on me a lot. She also does that to me in front of other people. Honestly She made me feel, worthless, useless., she brought down my confidence, and self esteem. And that’s how I’ve been struggling for the past 12-15 years.. I feel happy and at ease whenever I’m. not around her,,hardly nothing I do is ever good enough for her, she says I embarrass her, and the funny thing is she relates well with other people except her siblings. So I just became depressed by all these, up till today I’m struggling with these and it has really impacted me negatively. She still hasn’t change either. I can’t seem to keep friends. I don’t want to socialise. I don’t want to go out, I have low self esteem and confidence, nothing interests me anymore. I feel like a failure because I don’t have a job and I can’t seem to make myself get one. I feel so down, so pathetic, I feel sorry for myself, I feel like I’m lazy, even though I know it’s my depression that’s contributing to it. I really need emotional support,.

[Mrv01]

Hi 👋 I’m so sorry what you have been going through I’m sure it’s hard to be told those things over and over again. But hey at least you are aware of what’s going on you can get out if this! This is not you This is just what is going on in your life and the way it effects you. So please try to help yourself make sure you love yourself and find your values and work on them don’t avoid the negativity around you in fact try to accept it because none of us live perfect life it’s almost impossible! But everyone has to work through that and find our way whatever it maybe! Lots of love and hugs you are not alone 🌺

[Food22 in reply to Mrv01]

Thank you,, so much. I’m grateful I read that from you. May Allah bless you.. I’ll try to find my values and work on them. Thank you so much

[Nanii]

It's hard being talked down like that and it effects you so much like you told. But it does not make who you really are and what you can be. Some ideas which might help: You could try to make (small) steps into something or things which would make you feel good about yourself. Maybe hobbywise, or physically, like a sport or exercizes. Something you like and could give you "I did this" kind of thoughts and feelings. From there on find the strength for bigger things. Like a job. Which could start small too. Even if your sister might still react notworthy to those things, you could try look at it like this: If she reacts like that anyway, it doesn't matter what you do, so why not do something good for yourself? It migt be hard to start this off, because why would you do something good for yourself if you find yourself not worth it? There is where small steps can help. Slow start and build it up.

Hope you can get something out of this.

[Food22 in reply to Nanii]

Hi. Nanii. Thank you very much for the ur response.. just like you said it doesn’t matter what I do,, she’ll still condemn it. So I should just do what pleases me and what makes me feel good.

[Nanii in reply to Food22]

Happy to read you got something out of it. I can relate to certain things you told about, but I'm not such an easy talker now, so I shared how I try to cope with things. Something I just read in other reactions by the way: going outside, searching up nature might really help and boost. Giving some peace of mind, walking around, paying attention to natures glories. Nature really helps me. But I really think it would be nice for you to find something to do you like, to build up confidence and positive feelings. Something progressive and where you can grow and be better at.

For example with doing exercizes, you can see yourself progress weekly, or even daily of you go hard. Or drawing. Maybe you can't draw, but I've seen people starting to draw from litttle scrap thingys, to supernice things later on, simply by continuing. Continuation makes becoming better inevitable. It can be at whatever you like and are able to do in your situation. And indeed, learn to ignore your sisters opinions. Because they are opinions. You know how many opinions exist in this world? Billions. Hers are just few amongst many.

[Roxylox]

Just want to say I love the word Abysswalker uses to describe your sister, and I agree.!! Nobody deserves to be put down like that. Our depression can make finding suitable employment hard. My employment situation isn't great, but I live in hope.

[Food22]

I know right. It’s totally not ideal, one feel like he’s/she’s a burden and a responsibility on them. Which feels so heavy for one to carry. And it’s so hard to focus on oneself that the other people make it seem like you’re being selfish or ungrateful

[Food22]

Nobody deserves it.. it totally demoralised ones self esteem,, I wish could talk to her but I just can’t,….I hope we do get jobs soon. I also try to live in hope. Thanks

[Chanelle83]

I went through a lot that too growing up. First of all You are not stupid or worthless. You are not the cause of others problems. IF she gets divorced it will not be your fault. You suffer from depression,which is an illness. It's just like diabetes, or any other illness. I am so sorry that you are going through this and hurting. First of all take small steps. See if there's any programs in your area to help you get a small apartment and a job. Try to get out of the house. go to the library, or walks, or a coffee shop,or even a church service where you can meet people. Be safe due to covid recommendations. You may find free counseling through Churches. A lot of them have Counselors on staff. You are going to make it. It will get better. Don't let anyone tear down your self esteem. Look how far you have come. That shows strength!! Don't let your sister engage you with her put downs. She wants a response. So don't give her one. Just walk away and remember...you are strong, your intelligent and i'm sure your a sweet kind person. Take Care, and God Bless!!

[AZdesert35]

Living in a toxic environment, even if it's providing basic survival needs, is not going to get you where you need to be emotionally. I would try to stay out of the home as much as possible. Go to the library, hang out in a park, try to separate yourself from those negative comments as much as possible just to heal. Next step, if you've not already taken it, is to try to find a healthcare professional to try to get your perspective to a place where you find the motivation to go out in the world and find those things that make you happy. Being able to socialize and make supportive friends would do wonders. I don't like 98% of the population so it's a numbers game. If you interact with enough people, sooner or later you will find your own little crew. And speaking to someone will get you in a place where you can find a source of income so you can secure some independence and show your sister that you are able to have your own life. If your sister seems to think you are a burden, maybe you can leverage that and ask her to help you on this initial journey, either with emotional support or financial support, to find a professional to talk to. I would assume she'd feel compelled to help if the upfront effort/cost could lead to the long term benefit to her that you would be able to live on your own. Until you find that sense of home and that safe place where you're not going to be surrounded by negativity, you are going to be swimming upstream in your quest for happiness. For me, finding a good counselor and the right medication (after much trial and error- don't give up) was the first step towards fixing all the other stressors in my life. I have siblings that I will never see eye to eye with. I've had to cut them loose and find my own path, surrounding myself with good, healthy supportive people. But even friendships take a lot of work, so you have to be willing and able to invest in them and you won't be able to do that until you feel like you have value. It's hard to see the big picture when you are trapped in the bubble of your sister's reality, but the more you can spend time in the outside world and talking to different people, the more you will realize that you are an awesome person with much to contribute to those around you.