Online Dating is Killing Me... 😢

[DenverHappy]

Hi, this is my first post. I’m going totally nuts. I’ve been online dating again, after over a decade, except for a few very brief spells fueled by curiousity mixed with loneliness (a bad combo). I’ve been on okc for 6-7 weeks..am finding it brutal.. first, it’s exhilarating when I start talking to someone I think I could like & he says he’s super-into me.

Then, the other shoe falls.. the communication goes awry at some point & I feel essentially ghosted or downright the recipient of mean or abusive behavior. Unfortunately, I blame myself for nearly everything, thinking, “if I hadn’t said or done such-and-such, he wouldn’t have treated me this way.” I’m trying hard to improve my communication skills- and to try to keep my distance and not get pulled in when they’re flirting and acting really into-me.

But I can’t do it.. i’m way too lonely and sensitive.. and every time this happens my confidence and self-esteem go down a notch. So, I think i’m reaching the depression stage. I’ve almost quit online dating many times since starting in December. But I work at home and don’t like the bar scene. Getting involved in community activities isn’t the answer for me, either. I feel so alone and helpless and like I’m losing my mind and can’t deal with anything. Need your friendship and wisdom- if able and willing to share... I just don’t know WTF I’m doing wrong!!! :((

[hypercat54]

Oh online dating can be a mindfield. Don't forget that many of these men could be married or just looking for sex. I am not saying don't go online as I have a couple of friends who did find love there.

I think you would do better if you broadened your field a bit and started socialising more in the real world. There must be social groups near you which follow activities you like such as walking, theatre etc. so have a google and see what you can find. x

[TriggerPoint in reply to hypercat54]

I Agree... I'm A Guy & Been Married For 36 Years. But If I Were Single ? I Wouldn't Trust Online Dating AT ALL... In This World We Have Now ? It Would Be Like Plating Russian Roulette ! Maybe Being A Little Older I'm A Little Old Fashioned, But ? Just Can't See It.

[DenverHappy in reply to TriggerPoint]

Interesting to hear the male perspective.. I am careful and only meet in public places. What kind of red flags do you think I should watch out for? Thanks so much for caring and responding!! How do you think you would go about dating if you were single? Just curious..

[aaronm in reply to DenverHappy]

I would get on meetup.com

You put in your interests and there are groups of people that meet engaging in activities similar to your interests and there is everything you can think of. I don't use it for dating as I'm married but I'm just looking for friends. I meet people and go hiking, go out for coffee, play sports, or go to a movie.

[DenverHappy in reply to aaronm]

Aaron, thanks so much!! Great idea.. I’ve been looking at some here in Denver.. I got on the mailing list for some a few weeks ago.. it’s been freakin cold and snowy here, but i’ll try to find a good one to attend this week.. you’re right- I gotta get out more! And I’m sure the vibes and support will be much better with a live group than with online dating jerks (so far that’s all I’ve encountered there).

[Scriction in reply to aaronm]

I go to a Meetup every week, and have had crushes on some of the girls there, but ironically, being in the Meetup makes me MORE afraid to date them (than I would someone I met online) because I'm afraid of the social consequences of dating within the group, having to stay friends after a breakup, seeing each other dating other people afterward, etc.

[TriggerPoint in reply to DenverHappy]

My Friend. Online Dating Sites Are Deceptive To Begin With. Do You Really Think A Keyboard & Picture Is Gonna Be Honest & Open With You ? NO. Everybody Is There To Present Their Best Photo & Give You What Really Amounts To A Tad Of Info In "The Best" Possible Manner They Can. Now When You Have A Place Thats FULL Of People Seeking People For Relationships Do You Really Think ANY Of Them Are 100% Honest & Up Front With You ? That Would Be Like Lining Up For A Job & Telling Your Potential Employer That You Are Lazy About This or/ That & Picky About Everything.... Get Out & Just Meet People, Make Friends & Let It Take It's Course... Love Isn't A "Profile" On A Website. True Love WILL Make It's Own Way & Usually Starts By Being Friends First.....

[DenverHappy in reply to TriggerPoint]

That’s so true... thanks for the reality check!!!

[DenverHappy in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you!! I know I should get out more. I have a little agoraphobia and depression/anxiety, and bad insomnia which wreaks total havoc with any kind of schedule or appointments. Accessing connections online, when convenient- like I’m doing here- is at least doable. Things that involve getting ready, going out, and being someplace at a fixed time is often too difficult. And the chances of meeting someone at any given gathering are like minuscule. I feel like it’s a huge time sink and just wasted time. I know you’re all correct, and I need to change myself and change my approach to getting a life!

[hypercat54 in reply to DenverHappy]

Well the idea is to connect more with others in real life as the bigger your social circle the more chance you will meet others. x

[DenverHappy in reply to hypercat54]

Absolutely.. thanks!!!

[terriltwin2]

I know your struggle. I to did online dating for a while and it kept me on an emotional roller coaster. It made me feel bad about myself all the time. I am not saying online dating is wrong or you cannot find love. In my situation I never found anything that made me feel worthy of anything. I know that you are lonely, for I have been very lonely in my life. But know that it is not you. You are beautiful and worthy of love. So often we let others ( especially men ) measure our beauty and our worthiness. I have done a lot of studying and research and men are so opposite of women. What we want and what men want extend to the opposite ends of the earth. Just want to encourage you that you are beautiful and amazing and strong and your self-worth is not measured in the online dating scene or men in general. It is the strength and values and beauty that you possess on the inside. Know that what others want and may think are not subject to who you are. Who you are on the inside is more worthy than others opinions. The encouraging part of life is that we can take our time and find out who to love and what real love is. Taking our time is the best because it will be a time invested in value of ourselves and others. Thinking of you.

[DenverHappy in reply to terriltwin2]

Thank you- you’re sooo sweet and helpful!!

[terriltwin2 in reply to DenverHappy]

My pleasure. You just need to know that your self-worth is far more greater than what others think or expect. You have a purpose for your life.

[Scriction]

I've also been trying to get into dating again, and using OkCupid, too, but I haven't actually been on a date in years.

"the communication goes awry at some point & I feel essentially ghosted or downright the recipient of mean or abusive behavior."

I've never been mean or abusive, but I've definitely ghosted everyone I've talked to on there, so I apologize on behalf of people like me. It's not because I dislike them, or because of anything wrong they said or did. It's because flirting online feels safe and fun, but when it gets to the point of actually meeting up in person, I get depressed and intimidated, and I feel like I'm not mentally stable enough to be in a real relationship. In fact, the more I like someone on there, the more likely I am to stop responding.

So maybe some of these guys are like me? And it's not because of anything you did, but because they have problems of their own? Sorry it's been difficult.

[BugLover81]

I can relate. I've found online dating to be very negative. I'm gay and live in TN. Meeting people online is about the only safe way to connect with other gay men. I've had the same experiences as you. I've been called fat, ugly, old, etc. I've had a lot of ghosting as well. I've found that, for me, it's not worth all the negativity.