How to help?

I am a husband who loves his wife very much, but I am really struggling to understand what is happening and support her as she experiences pretty severe depression and anxiety. My heart hurts for her and I feel like a failure because so far everything I’ve tried to do to help has only made things worse. Any advice and shared experience would be appreciated.

[Doglover309]

May I ask what all you've tried? It could give help for others giving advice or experience.

[bonkers65]

Don't blame yourself. You have done the best you can. Just keep telling her how much you love her. She will get better.

[Laurennnnnnn]

What have you tried so far? Honestly, just you coming on here and asking about it shows me that you care a lot about her and are probably doing everything you can to help her. She’s lucky to have you!

[Hidden]

Have you (probably you have) asked her how, specifically, you can help? You may not like the answer but if you can accept it as the truth for her, you might get some peace around feeling like a failure. Some things aren't possible for you to "fix" and some things aren't things you can fail at, however it feels. Best wishes to both of you.

[Nynia76]

Wow I wish my spouse was like you. I can tell you what not to do as he does it to me all the time. No matter how bad she gets please don't tell her she's acting like a 2year old & to grow up. Or stop causing drama I'm sick of your crying, get out of bed you're disgusting & lazy. The other wonderful thing is I'd love to come home but how you're acting I can't. That's just a tiny part of what my spouse does to me. I have been suicidal for awhile & he knows. My Mom caught me fixing to hang self & called him begging for him to come help her. He never showed he couldn't be bothered while partying with friends. Yes I have been in mental hospital they're a joke. We had our oldest daughter die, I don't think I am fixable. Just let wife know you love her give her space.Doing that don't forget to hold her from time to time. Something that simple helps, mine has slept in livingroom for years. I begged for attention when I hurt & am ignored. If wife has something favorite she hasn't had in long time get it. Small simple things people overlook will help her some. It shows deep down you know her. I know you have been trying to help but you might be too aggressive. Hopefully that makes sense as I myself am tad crazy.

[DFHP in reply to Nynia76]

Thank you so much For your reply. I wish you had better support :(. The fact that you shared so much and went through obvious pain to do so shows what a special person you are. The fact you care about others enough to help even in the situation you are also shows how much you add to the good in this world.

If I can be a sounding board for you, please know I and others are listening and wishing you the very best.

[hallows_eve]

My husband was struggling with the same thing. He wasn't sure how to help me and I didn't know what to tell him because my mindset was a mess. He ended up attending therapy with me and we learned about strategies together. If your wife is in therapy, that might not be a bad idea to see if you can attend to hear their thoughts on how to support her. Otherwise if she's not in therapy, maybe ask her (when she's in a good headspace) if she would want to research strategies together and get her input on which things sound good to her.

[Nynia76 in reply to hallows_eve]

Obviously I am unaware of state & city you live in, was it difficult to get spouse into therapy? I know odd question I just have been trying for a very long time. I live semi near Ann Arbor Mi. I go through the UofM hospital system. Funny I know at 1 time they were 1 of the best through out the states. I myself cannot see how I feel the hospital out branches are a joke. It's been 15 months since I was put on a waiting list for a psychiatrist. I have not received a thing in mail or by phone. I have tried reaching out & it's always the same answer. Sorry no one has any openings can I get name for wait list. When I talk to GP I am told I'm lying its impossible. The in office therapist I have tried connecting with 4 times. Always had appointment for over the phone. She kept calling my Moms number days before she was supposed to then wouldn't answer or call appointment time. I'm 44 I have a phone, I live 40 minutes from my Mom & she's listed as emergency contact. Besides that lady normal therapist/counselor will not take me because I'm on antidepressants & well I'm sure you know they cannot hand out scripts. Sorry I just typed another book😔I am just lost & out of ideas how to go after help. I know a start would be lose spouse even that I can't figure out. I don't work as I have become afraid to leave house since daughters death last year.

[StreetPastor]

You sound like a gem! Don’t be hard on yourself.