How do I help her?: I have this BFF and... - Anxiety and Depre...

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How do I help her?


I have this BFF and she recently told me, because of everything going on with her, she had thoughts of suicide and even tried to attempt and if her bf was there she may not be alive. My stupid self didn't even know what to say and (the worst possible thing I could have done) I uttered "Why didn't you tell me?" "Why didn't you come to me" I shouldn't have made SUICIDE about me! Can anyone tell why im so shallow? She just dismissed it but the thing that bothered me the most is; her bf. He is a terrible person who hurts her but she feels she needs him. I don't know what to do anymore. Anyone have advice?

22 Replies

I think that it says that you care about her.

If you haven't supported anyone with a mental health condition before, you are not to know how best to respond. Just ask what your friend needs from you to feel safe when feeling bad. Being available is sometimes enough. If you can discuss this with your friend you might like to work out a safety net plan for that and consider putting it in writing. There are different kinds of WRAPs (wellness recovery action plan) available online as a starting point. Always remember being a friend is enough.

Thank you sm <3

Dont be so hard on yourself. That is a very challenging situation to handle and it's very difficult for anyone to know what to say. We all have to be selfish until we get to the point where we are fulfilled and love ourselves. Than we can be unselfish because we truly have something inside to us share.

My best friend from childhood committed suicide a few months ago. We grew apart in our teens only because of my crippling depression. I only have gotten much better over the last few months and I'll never get to reconnect with him. Deep down I know that he knew that I loved him though. I dont have any regrets because I was dealing with my own depression and anxiety.

Thank you very much for the advice and I am SO sorry for your loss. Bless you.

I have not been blessed lol, But thanks anyways...I'm doing pretty good now 🙃 but it's been an extremely tough time.

I don't see anything wrong in your response. If anything, it shows you cared about her. Doesn't sound selfish at all. It is a hard situation to know what to say in response even for those of us that have depression and would be the most understanding.

Hisstory in reply to Marshall64

Thank you. I just hope shes okay.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, Sucide there is No Way to know what their thinking? I had a brother n cousin who committed sucide back to back. I felt Guilt about my brother because we Never did get along, that if we did? I could have been there for him? Later realizing that there was Nothing I could have done. She needs Serious counseling. If this happens in your present I’d call 911 to leave it to the professional. 🙏

Tell her that you freaked out because you didn’t want anything bad to happen to her. Apologize for making it about yourself. You’re going to have to focus on what you can control. You can’t change her mind about her boyfriend. But since she is severely depressed she is going to need someone by her side. I suggest you be that person. Before you take up this role, sit down with yourself and figure out what boundaries you’d like. I’m talking emotional, psychological, physical. Ask yourself how much are you willing to hear before you feel it will negatively affect you? If you feel this boundary being crossed, figure within one to two sentences of how to kindly inform your friend. You need to keep yourself strong to help her.

From my experience, you should try and manage depression holistically. Try and make it better on a physiological, mental, emotional, basically all the levels. First things first, make sure she’s eating right and exercising. If she doesn’t want to get out of bed, it means that this is the time she really should. Think of a fun way for you two to workout together whether it’s a YouTube challenge or going on a walk. Make sure she’s eating real food, not junk food. Next, help her get her thoughts to a good place. I suggest journaling prompts. What are three things I like about myself? Three things that make me happy? She should wake up every morning, meditate for 5 minutes and do these prompts! Also, if she feels herself spiraling, that’s totally fine. It’s a temporary experience. But sitting down with her and making a list of activities that she could do while spiraling like dancing, drawing, painting, writing, stretching, etc. is very helpful! And it is very important that she consumes uplifting content. And it is important to change negative self talk. It doesn’t have to be all rainbows and sunshine but get to a point where it’s neutral. Like if she’s cooking and messes up a recipe, instead of telling herself, I suck at everything, she can say: well, I tried something and it didn’t work out but that’s okay because I’m human. I know this is a lot. If it is overwhelming, start with one thing. I swear that tiny changes can make big differences. It will take some time but be patient. It’s nice to see people time you that care about your friend’s wellbeing. I hope that you friend starts seeing a light in the dark!!! Good luck and don’t hesitate to ask questions!

Hisstory in reply to star767

Hi, thank you sm for the help. I have tried to be strong for her but every message she sends me, I break down in tears. I love her an I will try to help her better.

star767 in reply to Hisstory

I wish you the best. This sounds like a trying time for the both of you. It takes a strong person to take care of themselves and care for others.

Hi. I’m Andy.

Firstly I am truly sorry to hear about your friends pain and suffering. I am also very sorry to hear of you feeling so inadequate surrounding this.

The most important piece of advice that I can give you today is,

Listen, Listen, Listen.

Right now that’s what you need to do. That is your job.

Your job is not to try to fix her. You can’t. She wants her friend to listen and hear her. Two important things for a suicidal person, is that someone is, or has truly listened.

While you are trying to listen, it’s human to also be thinking “How can I fix this? How can I help her? I hate him for what he’s doing to my best friend!”. Now imagine how much of what she is trying to tell you have you missed by thinking about trying to fix her? A lot.

So just listen. Clear your mind, and just hear her.

Now the bf may be the biggest piece of crap walking. But he is her biggest piece of crap. Nothing you can do. She is your focus, not the crap. Let her be your concern.

Now as a friend you could write down a couple of numbers and give these to her. This shows your concern for her, and you trying to lead her to more help. You yourself can call. They are not just there for the suicidal. Talk to them. They will give you lots of help.

If you are in the States:

Samaritans 24-Hour Crisis Hotline (212) 673-3000

With the goal of helping people in distress and preventing suicide, Samaritans free, confidential, 24-hour emotional support and crisis response hotline service is available on an immediate and ongoing basis to help people who are dealing with every kind of problem, illness, trauma or loss as they try to cope with their difficulties.

The hotline provides those in crisis (as well as the people who care for them) with a 24-hour safety net that can be used to fill-in service gaps, bridge between appointments and act as a source of ongoing emotional maintenance for those with chronic emotional issues.

If you are in the U.K:

Samaritans Call-116 123 (Free)

I’m here if you need anymore help. Or just to talk. Message me.

Take good care of yourself.


Thank you. I will talk to them. I have given her a service to contact if she wanted profesional help. Was that ok? I reall want to be there for her, she just pushes me away.

You are very welcome.

You are a kind, considerate, compassionate friend. You are there for her. And that is why she came to you in the first place.

I know you say that she pushes you away. But the truth is that she probably needs time to try and process things alone. She has decisions to make. She knows that you are there.

Of course when she contacts you, reinforce how much she means to you. And that your door is always open for her to come and talk.

Just remember that whatever she decides to do with her life, and in life, you did your very best as a friend. You were, and are there for her.

You are a good friend. Just be there to listen.

Take care


Thank u so much. I just wish she loved herself like she deserves. Shes amazing.

Sounds like you panicked... I think that would be a natural thing to do with the situation. Your not shallow by doing this.... Really , there are not magic words to say.... I think you did a good job with " Why didn't you tell me." That is a caring response.... Unfortunately, you can't fix her. But I suggest you give her love and let her know that life is worth living.... Her boyfriend might be horrible, but she picked him. Nothing you can do about that. Just be their for her is all you can do... I wish you the best. Caring sometimes hurts.... ♥

Thank you for the reply. This really helped me. I just want whats best for her. She deserves it all.

Suicide is very hard to talk about. At least that's what I think. Maybe she's more "familiar" with him than you. Though you sound caring. I have only one person that I can make that 2am call to....yet the person I ring is basically immature. We're ex's and couldn't discuss the relationship so a few years back we went back just being friends. I'd say to her that you're here for you if she needs you. Just remember that the person we sometimes call or talk to isn't the best person for you.

The word suicide is a a thought that should be taken seriously. Call any suicide help line immediately. It's a potentially serious issue. Ask someone you trust to help you asap. Please stay with us.

Hisstory in reply to Audiomarc1

I gave her a hotline and now someone made fun of her. What do I do?

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