Hello, its been the worse 5 weeks of worrying and feeling angry stressed. Not holiday seasons stress. Unfortunately my daughter and son n law, both first responders stressed from work. He left packed up walked out! Filed for divorce and on Dec 16 court granted it all happened in matter of weeks.. Took the savings left her with rent, cats, car payment, her school loans. He's now calling her and showing up to her home to make sure she's alright. Tells her to move on, and he's dating other people having sex! Really after 12 years together! How can he do this? worse of all she's lives away from home on a island which is small.. she's all alone with no family. How can I help her? My ssi stopped so we're on very fixed income with only my husband working...I feel bad, how do I help her..I support her, I'm here for her. I know she needs financial help witch I we can't do.
I'm sad.
Thank you for reading my post, have blessed Christmas.
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Teresaq
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Is there any possibility that she could live with you on a temporary basis. This might help reduce her expenses. Her former husband sounds like a real loser and eventually she will realize she is well rid of him. It is very good that she has a mother who cares so much!
Hi, sShe's my daughter alone crying with no family there, phone call does no justice. I want to help her with no questions asked. Just horrible everything happened in matter weeks. I dont want her to get depressed! She a registered nurse and her mental state has to be there for her patients.
It sounds like she is looking for emotional support from you so this is a time for you to be strong for her. She needs to be able to draw from your strength. Its good if you can call her every day, even if its just to listen. Is she currently working? If she is, help her decompress after her day so she can stay focused at work. As for you, try not to absorb too much as you listen, but if you do feel burdened, you can always dump here. We’re good listeners. You are being a wonderful mom.
I’m so sorry this has happened to your daughter. It’s clear from your post that you love her beyond words and are heartbroken at this situation. It’s obvious you want to help, here are some things to consider:
1. If your husband is working but you are not, you might consider staying with her for a few weeks. Perhaps to get her through the holidays, to be a presence and a listening ear.
2. She might considering arranging a vacation with her place of employment. She can board the cats, and take a week or two or vacation (or depending on where she is, FMLA).
3. You might suggest that she stay with some friends or some friends go to stay with her. Again, just as presence.
4. You can’t stop her from getting depressed, nor should you try. Depression after something this traumatic (I.e., situational depression) is a normal and healthy response. You can’t prevent her from feeling pain, nor should you try. This hurts. She has to process that pain in order to move through it. If she repressed it or tries to pretend it isn’t there, it creates considerably more problems in the long run.
5. You might consider recommending that she take advantage of tele-health counseling appointments. There are various online support groups that might help, Facebook groups, online forums (like healthunlocked).
6. She’s going to feel lonely and heartbroken. She’s also going to pull throw this and be ok. Your job is to remind her that her feelings (anger, sadness, depression, frustration, moments of hopelessness, listlessness, exhaustion, numb, etc.) are completely valid and healthy. Listen to her when she cries. Sit there with her in her pain. It’s the most horrible feeling in the world to watch someone we love hurt - and it is beyond uncomfortable to just sit with it knowing there’s so little we can do. But that is precisely they need. Let her miss the good moments. Let her remember those. Remind her that she has power, that it won’t always feel like this. See if you can’t come up with a ritual. Perhaps a movie night once a week (where you watch the same movie on the same day - I recommend all things comedy). You might connect over zoom or FaceTime and play a game or do a crossword. Or, while you’re talking on the phone, you’re both growing for a walk. Offer her an escape, without having your intention be to stop her from feeling sad at all/ever.
7. Remember that at our lowest, we need to be reminded of our value; reminded of the fact that we have complete control over our behavior and we get to set our own boundaries. She’ll need those reminders. But just as much, remember that she needs to be the one to pull herself out of this. This experience will have her questioning whether she can trust herself and her choices. She absolutely can - and she will need to in order to heal. To do that, she needs to be the one who makes decisions about how she’s going to deal with this. Let her make those choices, even if every now and then she makes a decision that isn’t the best. (This changes somewhat if she is at risk of harming herself or others).
8. Avoid the “You should” phrases. Go with “you might consider…” Avoid the “Don’t think/say that…” statements. Let her think and say what she needs. She’ll need to vent - and whatever comes out doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll land there - she just needs a way of getting the pain out. Above all, remind her that she’s loved, valuable, and will not always feel this way. Remind her that the hurt will subside and she’ll be ok… and she’s never alone. Because she has you.
We don’t need people to take away all of pain and discomfort. We need people to walk through it with us. You can do that for her.
Wow that was powerful words, well put! I will follow those steps one day at a time. Update booking her flight home for Christmas. I cant imagine her alone one.
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