Feeling very on the edge but managing to find gratefulness

[Starrlight]

I feel so low and upset, restless and so anxious and it’s hard right now to ask for help. And what would I ask that anyone could do? Maybe a massage would be good but it won’t take away the suicidal feeling. And who will even do that for me? I am the help,.. the help to my parents, to my kids, even to my husband, I really need help but no one and nothing will I’m afraid change until this illness lifts these terrible feelings away from me. But there are still things I know I am lucky enough to feel grateful for:

That not every day will be so hard

I recall that things are not as bad as my illness makes it seem

My dog Coco and her silliness

My kids and recent pictures I took of them that turned out nice

Still have some hope left that my new medication will work well for me

How are you doing today? and

What are you grateful for?

[Nothing_but_books]

Hello Starrlight,

Do you know how well off you are already?

You seem the LEAST disfunctional depressive I can imagine. What I wouldn't give to have your little box of happiness.

My bird is always a comfort to me, so I can relate to your sweet girl a bit. (Girl, yes?)

My admiration for you is vast. Asking about us, the other members -- from within your own hurt.

How am I doing today? Terrible, but still trying to move forward.

What am I grateful for? My goodness that's hard. The little, tiny things I can still place in my own happiness box. And still find pleasure in. Books. Poetry. Beauty in nature. A kind word from others in our forum.

I am here. Very moved by your bravery.

[Starrlight in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Thank you so! Wow I am in awe of your kindness and positivity. Yes some things are giving me joy and peace lately. Off and on. Then I have my meltdowns and want to die because of the suffering. I am betting you know how that feels yet you went forward to get to where you are now.

Good for you in keeping on moving forward. You are amazing. I like the idea of the happiness box.

What type of bird do you have?

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Starrlight]

Oops. Boy have you got the wrong number! Thank you for responding -- but "positivity"? ME? Yikes! I am the gosh-darned Queen of negativity! I think you are looking in the mirror and projecting Starrlight. (Good for you, don't you think?)

Unfortunately, I do know how that feels. The wonder of our forum is the connection to others who can say "Been there, done that." Much nicer than feedback from someone with a psych degree, I think.

"to get to where you are now..." Well, where I am now hurts. But then, I like how Steven King's words, in Shawshank, express the choice: "Get busy livin', or get busy dying." Brutal. (His specialty.) Harsh. But ultimately true. Hopeful if you like.

Enough, don't you think?

My sweet baby (see my avatar) is a pineapple green-cheek conure. I never had a bird before, so she is all I can handle for sure. She runs the house. See, birds are never domesticated. It's not like having a dog, all eager to please.

Mark Twain said "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."

I can't end better than that.

[Starrlight in reply to Nothing_but_books]

😂 ha I really do think you sound positive... you are so nice to me, maybe not as nice to yourself,... that’s what I typically do as if I don’t deserve good treatment like others do... messed up thinking there... we are deserving of happiness... let’s try thinking of ourselves as our best friend...and treat ourselves right!!!

I had a green cheek conure too. Died a few years ago. I don’t think he ever liked me. He liked my husband.

I’m having a very bad day. Got up at 4:00am went for a run not much else done but I feel myself struggling and I hope I don’t spiral down.

How are you doing today?

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Starrlight]

Good morning Starrlight,

Thank you for your comments. Yes. You're quite right. I don't think I treat myself very well.

Okay. Well, this is a struggle. You insist I "do sound positive"? Okay again. I will do my best to peek at what you are seeing. Oh it is hard.

Birds do that, don't they? It can be hurtful.

Years ago I found a dog some monster had deserted -- right on the thruway! Decades later it still makes my blood boil! I enticed the mutt into the car and took her home. Bathed her. (Filthy.) Gave her good food. Massaged healing oil into her ratty fur. Stayed home with her all day. BUT: When husband came home at night, said mutt would get up on her hind legs, twirl several pirouettes, purse her mouth, and intone "Ooo, Ooo, Ooo!!!" Darned husband was frightened of dogs before this, and took no part in her care. But he got "Ooo". (Laugh) Oh well, such is life, huh?

Hey! Did you hear yourself? You said "WE are deserving"! Well, if you can do it, maybe I can try to give it a shot.

Gee I'm sorry you are having a very bad day. You said "not much else done". I try to push myself to do some TINY thing to get the ball rolling when I'm struggling. Which is most of the time.

Middling well. The pain is pretty bad today, but for a semi-good reason. I did a bit of physical work yesterday, walked on cement for a while -- always a struggle. So the pain is expected. I hope it will retreat in a day or two to just misery.

See, I told you what an upbeat gal I am (laugh again).

Be well today. Or give it your best shot.

[Starrlight in reply to Nothing_but_books]

HaHa I love it 🥰

I think your personality is great.

So yeah I ran and soon I’m taking my kids and dog out to the woods near our house.

Feel so Viking Anxious 😦 but it can’t last forever. I feel caught in it you know? Like the poison of anxiety streams through my body.

You are a hero saving the dog. How can people be so messed up to treat animals badly,.... makes me so angry too. I’m even usually bad to bugs...

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Starrlight]

Viking!! I love it!

You're ahead of the game 😛.

Yes. (Sigh.) I do know. It's a joy, isn't it.

...it can't last forever"??? Wow. Gotta remember that one.

You is one upbeat gal, you know?

[Starrlight in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Sending a hug to you((((((((((((((Nothing_but-pain))))))))

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Starrlight]

Wow!

Right back atcha...

((((((((((((((Starrlight))))))))

[Twisler69]

Hi I feel pretty much like you all the help I gave everyone probly contributed to me getting ill but that's the kind people we are putting everyone else first but as bad as things are I'm grateful I have a beautiful daughter that keeps me going❤️

[Starrlight in reply to Twisler69]

I’m so glad your beautiful daughter keeps you going. Let’s try putting ourselves first in ways.

Hmmm for me I get up before anyone in the house so before the kiddos need me I will go running, for me.

[Ddorne]

Hi Starrlight, I guess we are help. Slow down. I need the same things as you. I’m grateful for my faith, my family my sweet cat.

[Starrlight in reply to Ddorne]

True you all are great help! Slow down yes good advice. Thank you. ((((((((((((Hug))))))))))) I’m glad you are grateful; those are awesome.

[kv3011]

Hi! Writing down things you are grateful for is an amazing step towards trying to not let the depression win! Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. But continue to do it, and then you have a log of all the great things that have happened in your life and all the things you would have missed out on. Listening to uplifting music, a podcast can be helpful.

I’m grateful for my bed.. lol it’s so comfy. Being able to afford grocery’s today. Knowing I will go on a walk later.

[Starrlight in reply to kv3011]

Hmm maybe I will keep a gratitude journal, good idea to look back and recall good ol days

[Nothing_but_books in reply to kv3011]

Such great ideas! Thank you.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to kv3011]

Hi kv3011,

Forgive an old person a clueless question.

What's a podcast?

If it is something online to help with depression / anxiety, can you point me to a good one to start with?

[kv3011 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Hi! A podcast is digital audio file that has all different genres. I listen to a lot mindset podcast but there are so many different types like sports, crime, comedy, news.. anything you want, you just listen to it instead of reading about it. An iPhone has a podcast app already on the phone but you can also find them on the internet. A few I like are:

On Purpose with Jay Shetty, The Overwhelmed Brain and The Anxiety Coaches. I’ve been through a lot that didn’t help but it’s all trial and error to find what connects and works with you!

[Nothing_but_books in reply to kv3011]

I love your avatar.

[mrmonk]

I'm feeling under the weather today, but I'm grateful for another day with a headful of poetry.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to mrmonk]

👍

[Starrlight in reply to mrmonk]

Awesome MrMonk 😊 hope you feel better now

[Nothing_but_books]

I am grateful for:

Never did this. So HARD.

Having a window air conditioner when the temperature is almost 90 F.

My sweet conure.

A life of books to revisit in my mind.

Thanks to all for the encouraging post.