I don’t know how to see things right now. I am doing so well or well I was for a long stretch and I am still fighting and strong in ways I am but I hate that everything is easier in so many ways yet Truths are sneaking up on me that I didn’t know were there. Its hard to concentrate. It’s having me see too much. And turning my life or me at least into something I fear and I want to confront it get away from it at the same time and the strange way that it all appears to me.
My throat feels like something is pressing and squeezing and it’s really hard to swallow. As if demons are slipping through to my side where they aren’t usually allowed. God is still in my soul though I feel disconnected. Ripped apart and I can’t quite gather myself to make much sense I guess.
I don’t trust people right now. I think I’m a bit paranoid and everything is bothering me I can’t take much more or can I I bet I’ll have to there are many changes coming I can feel them and I wish I was a bird flying free or a star that no one questions no one analyzed nor hurts and these things I do to myself.
I want to shut myself off and far away from everything exsisting and turn to ashes. But my heart beats so strongly. Evasion.
Some things are bothering me.
I feel used and finished. I feel done just done. No one in my life would approve of how I feel and how I think. I just need to be able to be me no matter how dark my shadow side becomes without guilt the guilt is so bad I’m in tears I’m just very very alone in the darkness and my kids bring me light so much light and I feel more and more guilt that I am not stopping the feelings and thoughts.
I still love I still hope I’m just full of things I don’t know how to deal with so many pictures in my head haunting and mocking messing with me and it’s probably my fault but I need to be angry at someone for something but seems my reasoning and now even truth is all so obscure.
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Starrlight
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Please stay strong. I am going through a hard time with my anxiety and depression and I have felt that I cannot go on but it’s not true! Please seek professional help and talk to people. I had a horrendous panic joy sucking crippling panic attack today but got through by taking to others. Please just let people know how you feel. My prayers are with you.
(((((((((Hug))))))))) ❤️ I will stay strong thank you so. I’m glad you got through a rough time so good job to you...but I can’t seem to talk to people in my life right now. I feel far from everyone and I feel I may tear down my strength of my family by talking about my dark feelings right now I just need to get up brush myself off and meditate. Best to you my friend. How r u today?
It is ok Starrlight, try to get yourself to a better place, a safe place. Meditation may help by thinking about a safe place, a place where you are happy, doing something you enjoy or not doing anything at all just feeling safe. Fear of people is a crippling thing and sometimes we have to go to a very bad place so we can finally get passed it. Stop worrying about other people, they do not really matter in the scheme of things. Stop beating your self up over old things that have happened they are gone, now you have today, deal with today. Yes, we plan out our lives, but we live life day by day. I hope, pray tomorrow finds you at peace, I pray this evening finds you at peace. It is one day in a multitude of days, deal with what is today and do not carry it into tomorrow. Be well my friend.
I don’t know if I plan my life really which scares me I’m kind of caught up in life feels it’s spinning out of control and day by day yes I can live moment to moment, trying to do so.
I have little bouts with paranoia, like I feel like when I posted to you yesterday how well you were doing, I feel like I caused you to go off course, sometimes we get afraid of doing well when we are accustomed to having a difficult time, but I know that is not what caused you to feel this way today, at least I pray not. Going forward I will just say hi Starrlight, glad to read you💕. Be well my friend.
I love you Needhelp so so sooooo much and have missed ya. ❤️ I think I’m gaining back some control and peace and joy and light and I can feel the darkness lifting a bit.
Gerrerd is right to a certain extent. My beloved tells me I think too much all the time. Nor is now the time to isolate yourself from your friends. My beloved BFF, I feel like I lost you somewhere a few weeks ago or maybe even a month ago. Maybe I need to tell you how much I care again.....
High in the sky, I see... An angel that waits for me... With a glory born of the light... that she radiates so bright... ___________________________________________ She's never alone for long... because of her love's song... A voice ringing out so strong... The message that we belong... _____________________________________________So I offered her my heart... Just so I could share a part... And be her friend from the start.... Never again to depart...
For one thing I’m used to a lot of exercise to release the pent up energy I do it about every day w/ just a day or two rest period a week. And I haven’t been able to do that since I keep feeling sick... but I think today even if I don’t go run I will at least do yoga 🧘♀️
That's good. I'm down on my exercise lately too. I need the sunlight badly so I will feel better. Haven't even been taking night walks or doing much late night shopping either. I need to be better about it so I can function better!
I'd love to see some pics. I love the snow, it's so beautiful! Now that I'm in Florida I'm not likely to see any snow. Don't miss the cold, really miss the snow! Missed talking to you like this too! But, bed calls my name....'Night brightest star thar shines in my sky!
I can relate. I understand and this life is so difficult. We have good days and bad days. Keep fighting and it will swing back in your favor.
If I may just point out that this part that you wrote really spoke to me: "I just need to be able to be me no matter how dark my shadow side becomes without guilt the guilt is so bad I’m in tears I’m just very very alone in the darkness and my kids bring me light so much light and I feel more and more guilt that I am not stopping the feelings and thoughts." I feel that way so often.
Oh Aaronm I so wish you did not have to go through that. I think we feel so intensely don’t we? We care so much. I’m glad though that you and I can relate; feels less lonely that way.
Are you having a good or bad day today? Sending good vibes your way(((((((((
Or will turn good...hmmm my mornings are usually the best time of the day. I’m all over the place so far so I know for me it could also like you turn for the good or bad ... I’m going to put on music as I hardly ever do this to try to create some good feelings oh and I just came back from walking my kiddos to school. Do you have much time today Aaron? Maybe you can carve out time for yourself to do what you want.
I just got back from driving some kids to school. The public schools are closed today. I have to take my car to the mechanic at 1:30. A large bill there will likely not go over so well. Hopefully its manageable. I'm thinking of taking some kids to see a movie (The Kid Who Would be King) later.
Life is complicated especially for people like us or mental illness makes it 10 times harder, we're going to have horrible days but good thing is they don't last
Yes our mental illness makes it harder. So we are actually like champions. I’m tearing up I wish I could just CRY it out. Too much, you know? I feel like I’ve been boxing, have got myself beat up by life and my own thoughts. I thought about pm ing you early this morning but I decided I didn’t want to bother you but then you found me .... wait are you stalking me?! 🙃 Hahaha just kidding ... well it’s good to read you.
Starrlight, you mentioned that God is still in your soul. For me, when I'm feeling my darkest, that's what brings me back. I know He has a bigger plan for all of us, even when we're dealing with tough times like what you're going through. Don't fear that you're forgotten.
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confused
Anxiety Issues
Just venting again 
