I don’t know how to see things right now. I am doing so well or well I was for a long stretch and I am still fighting and strong in ways I am but I hate that everything is easier in so many ways yet Truths are sneaking up on me that I didn’t know were there. Its hard to concentrate. It’s having me see too much. And turning my life or me at least into something I fear and I want to confront it get away from it at the same time and the strange way that it all appears to me.
My throat feels like something is pressing and squeezing and it’s really hard to swallow. As if demons are slipping through to my side where they aren’t usually allowed. God is still in my soul though I feel disconnected. Ripped apart and I can’t quite gather myself to make much sense I guess.
I don’t trust people right now. I think I’m a bit paranoid and everything is bothering me I can’t take much more or can I I bet I’ll have to there are many changes coming I can feel them and I wish I was a bird flying free or a star that no one questions no one analyzed nor hurts and these things I do to myself.
I want to shut myself off and far away from everything exsisting and turn to ashes. But my heart beats so strongly. Evasion.
Some things are bothering me.
I feel used and finished. I feel done just done. No one in my life would approve of how I feel and how I think. I just need to be able to be me no matter how dark my shadow side becomes without guilt the guilt is so bad I’m in tears I’m just very very alone in the darkness and my kids bring me light so much light and I feel more and more guilt that I am not stopping the feelings and thoughts.
I still love I still hope I’m just full of things I don’t know how to deal with so many pictures in my head haunting and mocking messing with me and it’s probably my fault but I need to be angry at someone for something but seems my reasoning and now even truth is all so obscure.