Anxiety and Depression Support
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I can’t keep it normal anymore

Things are not okay at all. I’m deeply depressed with high anxiety and irritability. So on edge.

I tell someone who I think I trust how I feel and the person is acting tired of me now, of hearing it, angry, and so am I. It breaks my heart. I can’t talk to anyone in my life anymore. It’s so hurtful. I will isolate from my enemies. My self esteem is so low now. I feel like one of them, one of my enemies.

I work hard and I’m tired of jumping to do so much for the people who don’t act like they care about me. How can I stand anymore to be in this anguish? It’s all building up. I wish there would be an accident that would take me because I no longer wish to live. I don’t feel I am living anyway. The light and hope are my kids and God. But I feel separated from them.

Maybe writing this will help but am so afraid it will make things worse. So much is going wrong. It’s probably all my fault.

I spoke to someone recently who gave positive perspective on life and it’s troubles, a hopeful fresh look but now that I have slipped down I just can’t even see it straight anymore.

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Hi Starrlight,

Im sorry you are struggling right now.You are always in my prayers. When I saw your post, the first thing that came to mind :

"If you're lost you can look and you will find me, time after time."

We are here💕 hugs

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How beautiful 💕 thank you Delta

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I feel too needy lately but I can’t help it I don’t know what to do

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Cindy Lauper?

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Yeeeees , one of my favorites. That song was right on time back in the day!😊 still perfect.

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Back in the day? Come on I am not that old. I remember the video for it on MTV. It wasn’t that long ago.😛

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Lol....I didnt mean any harm and yes I was an MTV junky .

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You remember the game show remote control?

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I have heard of it. I missed a lot of tv shows because I lived in Europe and Panama for several years. I'll bet the game show was good!

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Hi Star, I'm feeling you, I was speaking with a long time friend today, and she told me, 'I don't know what to tell you'? So I got the hint, and ended my conversation with her. I feel like I'm just existing? Someone on this site and surprisingly told me something an annoyed friend or family member would say, quit thinking negative and redirect my thoughts and move on with my Life'. Made it sound so simple?

Then had the nerve to write back and wanting help me? I guess this person realized what they said was kind of "Cold". This site is suppose to support each other. I didn't write them back, they didn't have my best interest to begin with. I've been praying and asking God if he needs me? I feel like useless here? Maybe he has another plan for me? I'm Catholic so Suicide is a sin. Keep in touch, hoping things can turn around for us. HUGS n PRAYERS 🙏

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That’s sad I’m sorry you were treated that way Want2BHappy3. You did not deserve it. Yes I wish God needed me too. I was raised Catholic then was Muslim now just spiritual on some winding path to hopefully a good place. So yeah I don’t believe suicide is good at all. But I can’t help thinking of it. Hugs and prayers right backstchya.

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Thanks, I think there are hater's out there who don't like to read what we have to say? It's not easy reading every one's story. Suffering like we do is unfortunate and sad. I had a brother who committed suicide about 40 year's ago. So thanks for caring even with what your going through. Your Selfless and Special. Take care

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Oh my I am so so sorry about your brother. ((((((( gentle hug))))))))My brother also killed himself in ‘95. We were really close like twins and I tried to get him help knowing he was sick, thinking he would die. I was just thinking of him today. When I remember to I pray for him.

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Thank you, Sorry for your loss, it never gets easier? We didn't know he was feeling like that? One of my brothers thought he saw him writing his sucide note? I'm sure that may be haunting him? We do know why he did it, he felt hopeless, he got involved with gang's and got shot, the bullet wasn't safe to remove. So no one would hire him because of that.

No one speaks of him, i guess hard to talk about? Hugs n Pray 🙏

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💕

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Sad but not uncommon. Often people just don't know what to say. No doubt your brother was young. We all make mistakes and his was costly for everyone who loves him. So sorry for your pain. Grief is longlasting and we all groan and struggle because we truly miss them. What helps is knowing GOD will restore life to those in His memory. He doesn't forget.

Much love to you.

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Thank you for those kind words, he was Young, 19 it's been over 40 year's. Yet no one will talk about him? I understand everyone deals with things differently? I still include him when I say how many siblings I have, I guess thats my way of not forgetting him. Seems he's had issues since he was little, maybe something medically? He got kicked out of kindergarten. From then on always in trouble.

My mother pray for God to take him cause she couldn't take it anymore, he would disappear for days, she never knew if he was dead or alive? So him doing this did not set well with my mom, because she's a tough Ol'Catholic who believes God decides that. They say problems are temporary, dead is Forever.

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If we can't trust GOD to be merciful, who can we trust !

Yes, they say dead is forever but Jesus resurrected the dead. And he said, 'Do not marvel at this because the hour is coming when all in the memorial tombs will come out' (See John 5: 28) "Memorial" means God's perfect memory. It's a promise we can trust. You will embrace your brother again in due time. Hold that thought and be happy <3

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Very difficult situation, especially when we have tried to help...remember, everyone has free will to choose. It's not your fault. Sounds like you were a wonderful sister. Of course, you remember... and so does our loving Father. You're in my thoughts, Starr. Sincerely.

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O, How difficult! You & Starrlight are like "sisters" aren't you. Idk your age, nor does it even matter, but feel like motherly toward both of you. One thing we all need to ask ourselves... If our beloved child died by suicide, would we FORGIVE him??? I know I would, and believe most loving parents would. Since we're all GOD'S children, should we expect less of Him?

Think about that please. And never underestimate our GOD's capacity to fully understand. How encouraging it has been to me to have such comfort because nowhere in scripture does it say suicide is the unforgivable sin. It may be a tenet or old docrine of some religions but not in GOD'S Own Word.

Hope you find comfort and reassurance because I know you want to be happy. And you deserve to be. Agape.

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Thanks so much for that! Yes God is merciful all loving and we are His children. He knows all including our hearts. ❤️

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Thank you for those kind words, I've been following Star, she seems to be a compassionate and caring person even with what she's going through to still think of others ☺️. I'm 63 ant sure how old she is? It was our brothers who committed sucide, that's ok, pain is pain nonetheless. He was always troubled since kindergarten he got kicked out. Maybe something medically? He use to always want to fight, I was his main target. It's been over 40 year's, he was just 19. He's with God now 🙏☺️

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TRIGGER WARNING about brothers death Thank you Want2BHappy3. I’m 41 and it happened that my bro killed himself 21 years ago when he was 20. I had my 2 year old baby. He was not really in his right mind. He left a note saying there was a big conspiracy against him. He was withdrawing from alcohol and drugs. My mom and I saw him hanging. I try remembering the good things that came before that day but the picture burned in my mind is so horrible. I never talk about it. I feel strange and guilty doing so but it could be healthy to be able to say what happened.

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OMG, you found his body, my God 😖 I can't imagine,. My brother jumped off a bridge in Long Beach CA. His body was so badly decomposed that they could only identify him from the bullet he had in him from a gang attack. And his SS card was laminated. I think he did that deliberately so we'd know he wasn't missing anymore?

For me it doesn't bother me to talk about it, my siblings don't. Everyone's different? Don't feel guilty for taking about it, I'm sure your brother would not want you to suffer in silence? Last week I drove over the bridge he jumped off of. I just said a Prayer for him. His note said he apologize for all the trouble he caused my mom.

And found a gun in a box he had. I'm sure he's at Peace now, I don't fault him for what he did, he just wanted the pain to go away and this is the only way he knew to do it? Let's Pray for our brothers on this memorial Day weekend 🙏🙏

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Yes let’s pray together for them. Beautiful, Want2BHappy3

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You got it Starr 🙏🙏

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If talking seems to help, that's a good thing. <3

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Hi Starrlight, hold on. Relief is near, hold on. I confided in someone recently and I received similar treatment. She got upset and tired of hearing it. It strengthened me, the Lord God is saying tell it to him. Take everything to the Lord in prayer. People are dealing with things they do not share sometimes, they are not able to handle someone else’s burdens. Take it to the Lord God. What shall separate us from the Love of God. Read Romans 8:38-39. At this point Starrlight it does not matter that you feel separated, the fact is you are NOT separated from God. You have to reach deep within and find the strength to get your break through. Be strong and hold onto God’s unchanging hand. I know that God is aching because of your pain. Be strong Starrlight, be strong and hold on.

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I’m glad you were strengthened recently. Thank you so much Needhelp I read the verses and maybe soon maybe after I pray I will be stronger.

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Before you read, Ask God for an infilling of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit will help your infirmity. Read your Bible Starrlight every day. Read psalms, proverbs, Matthew, Luke, Mark, John. I like Peter, Ephesians, Romans, all of the New Testament. You have to get the word of God in you, we are washed by the water of the word, it transforms our mind, it is health to our bones and marrow, it is a lamp unto our feet. You have the power to get better, we have this treasure in Earthen vessels that the excellency of the power is of God and not of ourselves. I am going to go into prayer for you. You have to pray for strength, strength, pray for power from God. You must fight to get your breakthrough, it is not alright for you to not get well. Healing is God’s children’s bread.

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I will try reading every day. I will pray for understanding strength healing and whatever God wants to give me. Thank you. I hope I get belief that I will get better because I think that is needed and I am not doing well with it.

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Starrlight, I have studied the bible for over 50 yrs and learned that many came to Jesus just to be healed of many different ailments, such as leprosy. Yet, those who followed him received spiritual healing which is what we need in order to cope with all other things. Being conscious of our need is the beginning. : )

I believe you are fully aware. Hope each day will get better for you.

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Good evening Starrlight

I know you’ve heard it before that your not alone but your not. Depression is difficult to deal with but as you know there’s a lot of treatments and psychiatrist to help you through your lows. Get your mind busy with a book or movies when you feel very low. Or do this talk to people that are going through what you are and can relate to how you feel. People that don’t have depression can’t understand it unless there educated in psychology. So the people that get upset with you as you said just don’t get it. I brought my wife to one of my Dr appointments so the Dr could tell her in my presence what it is I’m going through. What came from this meeting , I found out things that I didn’t know about me from my wife opening up at the appointment. So maybe the person your referring to would benefit going to a few appointment with you if you have a therapist.

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Thanks Ironj he’s been to many of my therapy appointments and he’s been there too as in being deeply depressed and so he knows. He’s just being an a$! Or maybe there’s something going on with him but I think he’s just tired of it, of how I am so much of the time these days.

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Your welcome.

I’m new to the forum, as I read the reply’s to your post I can see you have a lot of people that care about you and your feelings including me. Stay strong you have a team hear that’s ready to listen.

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Thanks again and welcome, Ironj. It’s a great place yes to find caring friends.

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Maybe the holiday weekend is adding extra stress for you? People expect family to be happy on holidays. Being depressed already doesn’t help when others are all excited.

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Hi there I understand how you feel.It has made me agrophobic and im stuck in house having to send for food.It affects people different ways and ive been fighting this since late teens.I wish you all the best,maybe I should read the bible too.jaders

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I’m so sorry you are affected that way. I wish you the best too. Yes maybe reading the Bible will help.

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Remember, reading is one thing (a good thing) But we get satisfying answers when we "study" the bible w/ the goal of seeking GOD's counsel and direction. Don't u agree it's worth the time and effort?

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I am in a similar only worse situation. I am on my own and see no hope of ever finding anyone close or ever my life improving. I've been "ill" since my teens but in the last three years or so things have got impossible. My mum as narcissist died; people hoped I would be better. I always try people to attach to to get a bit of security but it never goes right. I met a man 11 years younger than me, he offered to support me held me told me "everything is alright". For a while I felt I had a bit of security but it went weird as i'm not sure if i'm a lesbian or not but i didn't want sex with him. He got angry and frustrated and also although he knew I can't be on during the day he would start to "punish" me and send me home.After that I met a lady I became friends with her and her husband. It was a dysfunctional family but I felt in a way some security from going round there. I hadn't expected her to Overdose. She did and was in intensive care. I can't recover my feelings for her even though I still see her.

Me I am at an all time low, too low to actually post on here. I have seriously researched my sucidide method and pretty sure i will do it pretty soon and don't want to be stopped. I have a living will and a do not resuss form but I am naieve in all of this. I know i have to get living will signed. It's just I really don't want to recover from my suicide; it can't be an "attempt" it has to work.

Friends are sick of hearing about me and are distancing themselves. There is no-one that can say they didn't know but there is very little they can do as I can see no hope myself. So them knowing is one thing but preventing something like that from happening is another matter as something has to change in your life and it can't in mine. I am approaching 60 and basically have had a completely messed up life due to my mother. I feel like one major malfunction and I seriously wish to go though I'm still scared of doing it I am just going to pluck up the courage.

I know all about the suicide prevention hotlines. When I see someone young say 18 or 20 or in the their 30's or 40's on here I would say to them don't give up trying. But in my case since the age of 10 I have not developed properly on a personality level. I have had depression, anxiety weird relationships all my life, and now I have none ie no relationships that is more painful than the weird ones as i see no hope of things ever getting better. Everyday I force myself to go to voluntary work or meet with friends just to "survive". I am just "suriving" but barely so. Is there such a thing as a rational suicide? I believe so and I believe that those of us who really can't hack it should be assisted and given an easy and painless way instead of being dehumanised and put on all sorts of drips and stomach pumps and stuff because the drugs are not the right ones. Many of us don't want to be saved because we can see the reality of our lives. We don't want to hurt ourselves but we want to die because the internal pain will never go away.

I have a living will here but it isn't witnessed properly by people so may not stand. I don't know how I'm going to get anyone to sign it but I probably need to. I've got a do not resuss form as well and i've just written on it that if i choose to commit suicide please do not attempt to revive me but as I said I'm not savvy. It's hard to be savvy when you are truly in the most awful place of your life; your own inevitable death. I know there are people with terminal illnessess who have no choice and some may see my decision as selfish. My answer to that. I am in living hell. Have seriously considered all this for more than 2 years. Have had therapy galore and drugs galore and basically it's just me my personality. I didn't form properly probably due to my mum and my dad and just overall life situation. Never got married, never had children will never have grandchildren. Can never get over this.

Anyone want me to "adopt" their grandchildren? ie some access to them to go out? I live in the West Midlands, Birmingham in the UK. If one person genuinely wants to befriend me and offer me access to something like this then I will try and hold on and reconsider, but basically it all feels hopeless and people are just avoiding me.

Gemma xxx

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Hi. I noticed you say that you literally have no relationships and then you say you have to force yourself to go out with friends. Are these friends not people that you have or can work on building a close relationship with? A lot of things in your post sound like a huge cry out for help to me. I believe that that means deep down inside there's still a small part of you that has some hope! I know how hard it is to socialize properly when you're depressed, but can I make a suggestion? This has really helped me feel that I'm more likeable and people are interested in my well being. I used to be very isolated and I realized that I was subconsciously choosing that!

1) contact one acquaintance that you really like and make a lunch date. Force yourself not to cancel.

2) tell yourself, "I will continue to focus on my issues a little later, but during this time, I'm going to make the most of the companionship. Ask a lot of questions and focus as hard as you can about learning about this person on a deeper level.

3) be very mindful to maintain the normal flow of conversation. When you catch your mind wandering, refocus on exactly what your new friend is saying. If you are a person who tends to be socially awkward, try this: begin the conversation with a question about something light. Include a compliment. "wow, I love that top, where did you get it?" when she/he responds, use their answer to tell them something about you. "oh, I love that store! Their sales are amazing!"... If you focus on listening to the information intently and sharing the same info about yourself in return, it will be he/she that leads the conversation and all you need to focus on is responding to new things with a similar thing about yourself. Conversation will flow effortlessly. If there's an uncomfortable lull, look around the room and find something that catches your eye. Point it out to her and ask what she thinks and you will be right back on track.

I know this seems like common sense, but the important part is to really focus and listen. What you are doing is simply reinforcing basic conversation skills. The convo will remain light and pleasant, you'll seem interesting and interested, and you will feel a real connection. I promise you. Baby steps can help us realize that it IS possible for things to change for the better, and when you realize YOU are initiating that positive change, it's very empowering.

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Please don’t give up. You are beautiful and you are here for good reason. I am so sorry you are hurting so badly.

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It is too bad. There is no hope for me. I will do it at some point. Maybe not tonight. I need to make sure I do it right. Frightening but true. Sorry all

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Nooooo. No. NO. There IS hope. Always some light and even if it’s all dark where you are, travel in it, always some love to find, always some reason to stay until it’s time.

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You don't understand. It's the best thing for me. I'm not deluded. Better not post up anymore on this thread as no doubt I'll get "contacted" with help which I don't want. I am still considering it; not done it yet. But it will happen and I will be at peace. I won't do it tonight so please no ambulances anyone. I'm talking in the next month or so probably. People need to understand that sometimes its the best thing. What is wrong is that people are forced to do it in violent ways because that is the only way they have as an option available to them. It is awful but I think we should be allowed to die with dignity. There I said it. Will probably get "messaged" now or banned but that is what i believe in.

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I’m trying to understand Stilltrying. I have wanted what you want, and even now I wish to be gone, only I can’t do it myself.

I wish you felt joy and peace, love. And maybe you do feel all of those or at least, the love.

I used to try to ‘save’ people. I know I cannot. I cannot even save myself.

I feel like some things seem out of reach, too much, or that it will never be what we expect it to be. And maybe I have to accept after that shock of realizing. And look through different eyes with perspective that makes life bearable somehow. Searching and praying. Sending you good vibes((((((

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Thank you.

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💕

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Some people are just too damaged or just in too bad a situation. I am of the opinion of not to judge. It is such a shame when it happens sometimes needlessly to young people, maybe because of some failed love affair; but as we get older we do get more rational and sometimes we have to accept facts. Someone just said to me that i was denied the life that I should have had because of my parenting and because of my sensitivity and even maybe my genes; People rarely talk about this and insist that people must somehow battle on. I'm all for battling when there will be some respite but sometimes you know you just know you've reached the end of the road, in a rational though very sad way.

It happens sometimes.

Sometimes people have done something wrong. I have not done anything wrong. Things and love and children and so forth have been denied me but at the end of the day sometimes sadly it can go wrong and we need to recognise that and at least honour ourselves for all our efforts. x

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I was just thinking...When my brother took his life, well I knew something was coming, I knew he would die but didn’t know how. It was partly my fault. Long story. I don’t know exactly what he was going through. I can’t know what exactly you are going through. It’s hard to remember my brother because it all became tainted and horrible, a nightmare that never ends so far.

Yes you have done nothing wrong and you are still going but I get that you don’t want to keep battling. What seems like the end of the road though may end up being a little opening with a turn to keep walking on because you then will want to, because you hadn’t expected the path to continue in such a way.

I just really really want goodness for you.

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Thank you for your thoughts. Sounds like it was difficult with your brother. Unlikely to be partly "your fault" though although who am I to know ? Life is horrible I feel. I have friends who have friends dying of brain tumours; another friend whose sister died of mental ill health. Each time she was admitted to hospital she got worse. I don't want to go through the humiliation of all that. At the moment I still have some dignity and at least one person who believes that I have tried all I can and have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure there will be more. x

I don't feel this is an opening although I would love it to be. Do genuinely feel at the end of the road but yes I'm still going as it is isn't easy to plan and make sure it works when it is done in such a rational way as this.

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💕

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I am totally heartbroken for how you are feeling. I do get it though, I could never understand why adults commit suicide because at their age they have gone through so much already and survived. Now that I’m older and still suffer with anxiety, depression, and low self esteem I can understand it. The guilt from depression is debilitating in itself, especially with s young child. I have been on and off antidepressants since my teenage years. I just got on one now realizing that I still have depression on them but I don’t have the suicide thoughts on them. There are different kinds of therapy out maybe you’re not in the right one. Most therapist use cognitive therapy but my friend told me about another kind nd that has helped her. I forget the name but they talk about the different parts of your body. It’s parts therapy. I’m the opposite I don’t talk to people about my feelings because I feel who would want to listen to my problems , everyone has their own. I realized recently that that is not the case. I don’t have many friends but thank G-d I do have good ones. I have to learn to talk about my feelings and what I’m going through. It may not be able for our friends to hear because they love us and can’t really help us except by listening and that might be tough for some people. Please don’t give up, nothing stays the same and even though you’ve felt like this for so long it will change and you would have missed out. I feel like I am just existing right now and it sucks. I keep hoping that I will feel like living before I die.

Please get on meds and try a different counseling technique. It won’t hurt to give it another try. It’s great you’re on here. I just found this site a few months ago because I really wasn’t feeling well but I do find that writing down my feelings also help. I grew up in a dysfunctional family too and that’s why I feel so negative all the time, take after mom. That’s why I’m going to try parts therapy, not a lot of counselors are trained in it. Find one!

I do care and here to talk anytime. I feel every one deserves to be happy. Sorry if I went on and on. Let me know when you are going to try again. You must try again, you are worth it. You may think people wouldn’t notice if you are gone but you are wrong. You should ask people what they think of you, I’m sure you’d be pleasantly surprised. Xo

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Just existing waiting to feel free...I very much relate to you... waiting to want to live...parts therapy sounds interesting... I will try again... today my trying consists of prayer and meditation throughout the day and tomortow I will continue with exercise meditation and the prayer. Haha I wouldn’t ask what others think of me buuuut would be nice to know... with Thanks SamuelBlake17!!! I’m here too anytime you want to talk.

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I hope you are feeling a lot or a bit better now. At one point I felt this way. But I did a lot of praying and crying, I know God hears our cries I know he does, he just wants us to put all our trust in him. Easier said than done. But I'm a keep you in my prayers.

Sending you hugs and positive vibes. 😊😊

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Thank you! That is so helpful; needing to put all trust in Him... I hope I can do that... I feel scared and alone in the fears. If I can lift it up and let go that would save me. I think worrying is how I try to have control even though it doesn’t make much sense. I think I may catch something like stop a bad thing from happening through worrying which I have to get through my head that it’s not true.

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Sending hugs Starr.

Good wishes too 🌺🌷🌺🌷🌺🌷 x

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Thank you Olivia 💕

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I've matured into the type of person that prefers to deal with depressive episodes on my own, but when I was younger I always sought out friends to talk to about it. I never made huge strides in therapy, but as I got older and more introverted I used my therapist rather than friends as my sounding board and I became a person that was interesting to know again rather than the friend that was gard to have, who complained about everything and seemed to always bring people down. Of course we all know it's much more complicated than that, but people who have not experienced true clinical depression do not. My friends are extremely supportive and loving and I know they would gladly listen to me go on for days if that's what I needed, but it would make me feel worse in the end, because I would feel like I was a horrible burden on them and feared pushing them away. It is exhausting to be around depressed people, especially if you are an empathy which 2 of my close friends are. Now I use my therapist for what she's meant for, I actually enjoy my relationships with my friends much more, and spending time with them lifts my spirits rather than making me feel worse about myself. We tend to become a little short sighted, self centered, and selfish emotionally when we have depressive episodes. It's not a character flaw, but the nature of the illness. By being mindful of this, we can shift the dynamic. Focus on absorbing their positive energy rather than allowing them to absorb your negative energy, I think you will be surprised by how much this helps! And... When you just need to sigh, and say "life sucks" 150 times in an hour... Well, that's what we are here for. ❤️

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Good idea using therapist. I’m glad it is working for you. I find it hard to get there as I panic when I drive and I don’t feel I get much out of sessions so I haven’t been in a while. Best to you.

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odd i could echo what you've said almost word for word, esp people, seems they don't really care b.....mental health week etc...you can only say so much, so that leaves spiritual help,church etc or the samaritans i'm extra nervy as going on a short break treally it can't be worth it can it???? chin up of course you are worthwhile ciley.

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Thanks so much Ciley. we are not so alone I guess. Sorry you suffer so. Spiritual help sounds like that is what I will focus on.

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Hi Good morning. Reading what you're going through its like reading my own situation at the moment. I am going through the same exact thing...and i really dont know what to do anymore. I feel so lost like I am all alone etc. And its really not easy at all. I know how you feel since i go through that. And I also hope to die everyday. I talk to my bf about it and i think he is tired of me now. So I just keep it all inside because i dont think i can trust anyone else.. And its hard for me. But I try to keep calm, I listen to music just to get it off my mind, and I try to be around positive ppl. And it is kinda helping but I still feel like I can do alot more...Just wanna tell you you are not alone...And you can fight it..Just try!..Build the Confidence in yourself..

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Thank you so much for sharing about your struggle. I’m here anytime you want to talk. Yes good idea to get your mind off it ... I often try so hard to fix it that I become fixated and forget to try to live but it’s hard to live while not being fixed but maybe I will need to get used to it accept it? Hard to.

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I totally get where you're coming from Starrlight. We are all here for you definitely! One of the things I've tried to do is surround myself with positive-minded people. Anyone who is negative towards you or who seem like they don't care isn't worth your time, effort or energy. Things change. People change. We all change as we go through our lives. We need those things that are positive and uplifting in our lives. Whatever happens, it's not your fault. Keep your chin up Starrlight. We're all rooting for ya! Don't give in to those negative thoughts! We're here for ya and we'll help you fight! :)

Your friend,

Brian :)

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Hi Brian! I’ll try to not listen to the negative unless its truth. Even then I could let it go if I can’t control or change it. It seems like I’m on stage and people are waiting for me to mess up and they will laugh as it’s easy for them and they don’t get me. I can’t really tell anymore who is on my side. I have changed in the way that I am paranoid and my personality has fallen off to the side and I can’t focus on normal good stuff and just want to be left alone so much of the time. I have forgotten the point in life. For some is it to love? Or to help? To get to heaven? To live fully aware in the present? I am just barely slipping by each day and night lets me leave sometimes until I have to go again with fear. I’m tired and it’s negative but I wish it was my time. I feel like a totally different person when I am hugging my kids, teaching them, being thankful for them...and the guilt is so bad because inside I want to die while I show them a safe world that they can succeed in and be happy and at peace in. It feels fake. But that’s how it is.

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I totally hear ya Starr. It sucks feeling like that. There have been many times I wish I would just not wake up one morning. That I would have a massive heart attack in the middle of the night. But I realized it's just the negativity and all those dark thoughts trying to rule over you. Sometimes, the best thing to do is just to let it go. You are a worthwhile person! You may not believe it now, but it's true. If everyone here on the site didn't think so, they wouldn't talk to you. But look at how many responses you've gotten! (including mine lol) Different things work for different people. What works for me is distraction therapy (ie. finding things that you like and you're interested in and focusing on those) and to surround myself with people who have a positive influence on my life. I don't want anyone in my life who promotes and help the negativity already going on in my head. And now that I'm dealing with a possible cancerous tumor (still waiting on results for it), I've learned to let certain things go. I also don't take myself too seriously. There are only a few things in life that need to be taken seriously (physical & mental health, paying the bills, having a roof over your head/3 meals a day/comfy bed to fall into at night, having a car that can get you from A to B and back again, and the health and wellbeing of your significant other/children), and everything else is not that important. We have such little time on the planet, we need to make the most of it! Whatever happens, we're here for you and if you ever want to talk or vent, I'm here for ya :)

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I’m sorry about the tumor. It must be very difficult wondering. I hope it turns out not cancerous obviously. Sending good healthy vibes((((((((( when do you find out?

I used to be very positive (I worked very hard to retrain my brain) but that talent uh fell off of me lol I need to get going with believing that what is correct is usually going to be the positive. If you have any tips for getting back to looking at things in a positive light, let me know?

Thanks

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Anytime Starr! :) I hope to find out tomorrow, but that's not a definite. I just hate to get up early to go lol.

What works for me? Well, some of it I've already mentioned (not taking things too seriously, surround oneself with positive people, etc.), but again, what works for one person won't necessarily work for another. For me, it's about finding the things in life that makes you happy. If you're not happy, then the depression can ride roughshod all over you. If you're happy, then the hold the depression has on you will be lessened. I suffer from suicidal thoughts every minute of every hour of every day. But I've been able to get it so that it's just background noise and I can mentally tune it out. It's a constant work in progress. Yes, there are gonna be days that will be tougher than others. That's when you have to fight back just a little bit harder. In a way, it's like cancer. You can either fight and give yourself a chance to beat it or give in and never win. I choose to fight. Depression beat me down for so long, that believe it or not cancer doesn't seem so bad. And I'm not gonna let it beat me down. That's the mindset you need. Find the things that matter most to you and fight for those things! Anything in life that's worth anything has to be fought for. Now I don't mean physically fight, but fight mentally lol. Also, don't take most things seriously. Unless it's someone you're super close to, no other person's opinions really matter. Opinions are like @$$holes, everybody's got one. Anyway, that's just my two cents lol

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Thanks for sharing! Sometimes I feel unhappy because I wish I could be more (of what others think I should do) do more etc but when I just let myself be and stop tearing myself apart and stop pushing so hard for something I’m probably not even supposed to be doing yet I can sense ok-ness. Working on getting to calm and happy. Best to you!!! Hope all goes well. Will say prayers if you don’t mind.

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I don't mind at all Starr :) That's the key thing: Just be yourself. Don't pretend to be something you're not. Those that you really want in your life will like and love you for who you are. You don't have to pretend with them :) I like ya, if that helps :)

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Thanks. I like you too. Thing is I don’t feel like myself, don’t know who I am like I’ve lost who I really am. I’m always looking out to fight against bad and don’t get to enjoy the fun. Looking at life wrong maybe. I just can’t seem to connect well with people except I connect great with my kids...

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Hey Starr, that's a start! Figuring out who you are can be tough, but you're not alone! One day at a time, one step at a time. Start with something small and work your way out from there. I have trouble connecting with others too. It's made even harder if you're not sure who you are. Just don't get discouraged. It won't happen overnight. Think of it as a self-evaluation. That's as good a place to start as any lol 😀

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Self evaluation could be great or a scary mess 😆

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You won't know until you try. But we're all here for you either way 😀

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Thanks! Not sure where to start...maybe I will write down things I like and dislike...

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And remember, I'm here to listen if you need me to. :)

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Thank you! You too.

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Im struggling too atm... hugs 🤗 xx message me anytime

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Sorry to hear Hope. I will message ya!

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💕

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I know exactly how you feel. You can talk to me anytime if you want to. Don’t give up❤️ You’re not alone🌹

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Sorry you know how I feel. Thanks yes you can pm me any time. Yeah I don’t think I could actually give up I really hope I will not it’s not fair to those I love although it’s almost all I’m thinking of lately.

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Oh Starrlight, I'm sorry you are hurting. From what you describe in your exchange with bridder01, it sounds like you find happiness with your children. I hope you can draw from the wellspring of good feeling there. Your obvious parental love, joy, and affection for your children made me think of a poem by Philip Levine; it's too long to reprint here, but I'm posting a link to it below.

It's called "Starlight":

readalittlepoetry.wordpress...

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That. Is. Perfect!! I’m going to cherish this poem. Thank you, thank you!

Yup I find happiness with my children. They seem to have this neverending love in their beautiful souls. I learn much from them.

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You are always welcome! Poetry is nothing if not steadfast; it will always be there when you need it. It's great your children bring you such joy and wisdom.

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Yes it will always be there and I’m blessed to have my children 😊 hope you are doing well MrMonk.

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Dear Starrlight,

I am sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I wonder if joining a support group or a bible study or spiritual support group might help. Often, people in support groups are very understanding because they have similar experiences. Friendships can be formed. The same applies to spiritual support groups, as long as you choose carefully so that you get into a supportive, kind, understanding and gentle group. There are many kind and caring people in this world but they don't necessarily come knocking at our door. We might have to go out and find them. I don't know what your living arrangements are, but you might also consider living in a community-type setting. Depression makes us feel separated and isolated, so it's especially important to reach out to make contact, even if we don't feel like it. Our bodies can have a big impact upon our minds and our feelings. So if we engage our bodies in some activity, regardless of our emotions, sometimes, our emotions change. Sending you positive thoughts and wishes!

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Hi Mengerie11. I run so that helps a lot. There is a DBT group but I would have trouble getting to the meetings since I don’t drive far right now. Thanks for the suggestions. Blessings to you.

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Starrlight,

How are you feeling today?

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Hi Delta1! Thanks for asking. Mood swings...I took an Ativan so right now I feel I can take on the world! 😆trying not to take them often since I heard they can lead to getting Alzheimer’s. But they make me feel so much better it’s amazing. I accomplished what I need to do for the morning...so doing good until I started going too much into my head, getting disturbing thoughts and images so trying to keep busy and go on without giving those power.

How are you doing?

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The one thing i can say is YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! This is some scary shit we are goin thru!! I thought i was the only one feeling like this.. yes ppl make it seem as if we chose to feel this... but we dont at least i know i dont and u sound like u dont either!! I also am married with kids and God is my Lord and Savior!! But still this flesh takes the best of me and messses me up at times! Please no thoughts of suicide!! Do u have a therapist? Are u on meds? Wld u consider either or?

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I can’t help my thoughts of suicide but I do feel guilt regardless of not being able to stop them which does not help. I am so scared of where I may be headed.

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I am on meds and do have a therapist who I don’t go and see much because I don’t find it helpful. I am trying to take each moment at a time. I am praying for help. Sorry you go through this suffering too. 💕

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there are people down there with you,,,decent people too

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i am the same at present,really....god bless

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i feel like you say, i know exactly....what can we do???

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