I want to heal I swear I do

[Gabriella455]

I actually decided to join this group after torturing myself by remembering what I thought I overcomed. I'm tired of dying inside. I can speak about my pain. It's not something I share with just anyone. Just before new year I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me and I tried to commit suicide because I realized that he didn't love me. But then you must be thinking for a guy. No it was actually because I had enough. I couldn't go on coz of the pain I was carrying. I felt unloved by my mother for as long as I can remember, I grew up without a father that didn't care where I was or what I was eating. I hated my body coz of the acne and hate it more after being raped by a school boy at some stupid house party where I carelessly wanted to fit in and got too drunk and this boy took advantage of my passed out body. After being forced to sleep with a guy because I was scared of being gang raped. So much pain I had to carry and more feeling of feeling like I don't belong. Never feeling enough. Having to compromise. I wanted out. I still do but I force myself to live. Back to story I wanted out not because of a man but because I was done. I tried everything that week. Rattex, Antifreez and stabing myself. I'm still alive. And I don't wanna die anymore because somehow I survived but what I know I don't wanna feel this pain any more

[Mary-intussuception]

Hi Gabriella and welcome to this group.

You've been through so much, so unfair.

But you've done brilliantly to come this far,

You just hold on to these facts:

You are Precious, Beautiful and Loved.

Hope your pain eases as you move forward.

🌹🌹🌹

xx

[Rick1on1]

Hi,

Congratulate yourself on having the courage to continue living and facing your problems head-on!

There are many issues that can be unpacked from your post. You mention "not wanting to feel the pain" - i think it is important to realise at this point that the pain never goes away - we just learn to manage it better.

Are you seeing a doctor?

[Gabriella455 in reply to Rick1on1]

No. It has never crossed my mind that I should

[Rick1on1 in reply to Gabriella455]

A doctor can prescribe meds and refer you to a specialist if need be. You need to be honest with the doctor so that he can show you the right path.

There are a few things you can do to help yourself like diet, exercise etc. Need help with this?

[Hidden]

You’ve been through so much,but you know what. You still here so your much stronger than you think you are. Reach out to people let others know how you feel. Set yourself small goals everyday. I hope you have friends you can reach out too. In this time of isolation it’s very hard to keep positive and focused but everything keeps going...... thinking of you and wishing you all the best x

[DJB74]

Oh my goodness. As an empath I sense so much pain in every word you wrote. Im sorry for all of your past hurts however it is so positive that despite all of this you have a drive to thrive and live this is key. Please continue to reach out to this family here becausee there are many wonderful people that can help you grow from your spark to live and encourage you. I myself am here to help you and listen anytime. Feel free to reach out. All my thoughts with you

[Poodie]

Hi Gabriella,

Welcome. I am glad you joined this group. I think you will find love and support here.

I hear you. I was hated by my mother too. She was hated by her mother so she passed it on. ( Not that I am excusing her lack of love and her abuse of me..)

It was a milestone for me to finally recognize that pain on a gut level and let myself cry for my own lack of being loved as a child. And that got triggered by my reaction to someone who rejected me. I felt a profound sadness and let myself feel that very early and ongoing sadness..

I still get depressed and have difficult times. Yet I learned to love myself and importantly I learned to take care of myself. I learned who to give my love to.

Often times now I am truly happy and so much better.

So I am now going to start my day and move forward again. Thank you for posting. Your post and the others here reminded me that we all need to live even though we carry that pain within ourselves sometimes feeling it more acutely, sometimes less. It is part of me and I try to manage and accept that.

Keep posting. I will be cheering both of us on. You are not alone here. ❤️

[Rachel2535]

Thank you for having the courage to share your story. For many, many years I tried to kill myself. I loathed myself so much. Everything in me just wanted to not wake up but God kept me alive. I couldn’t understand it why would He want me to live through so much pain. After years of feeling this way it was only after my son showed me unconditional love and an attempt on my life that I started to see how much God loved me. Without a loving dad to understand love I searched for it through so many guys and worldly things. Never did it fill the emptiness until God opened my eyes and showed me how much He loves me. He love you to my friend. I so want you to see this and only He can show you your true worth and beauty. Because you are so incredibly important to Him. There is an awesome book that helped me work through a lot of the abuse that was done to me its called Mending the Soul by Steven Tracy. I would suggest finding a mentor, counselor, pastor or someone to talk to while you read through this book but it can help bring healing and wholeness. I am praying for you. Your past does not define you. -Rachel

[Hidden]

I tried to kill myself after my divorce my x even encouraged it. Now it's been years since then and still when through a bunch more crap.Last year I was so close to I mean if anybody hesitated I would of been gone I went into anafelectic shock I was in ICU with tubes down my throat. I saw how much everybody cared I was in shock for two weeks after that and I completely changed .I don't mind being by myself I work all day and go home I'll go by my BFs still but the way he reacted when that happened to me it wasn't a big deal to him I still love him but I'm sure as hell not in love with him anymore. I keep my distance from everyone now .I went through all the emotional phases l see how rotten everyone is. To me now they can all go scratch I'm not letting them make me like nothing anymore because there no better! I like my new attitude just took decades to get this way! Don't let anybody make you feel like a nobody if they do they are just another SUBHUMAN and not worthy to breath the air around you! Be strong!!

[LilyAnnepuppy]

Welcome to this group. It's a safe place with caring, knowledgeable people who will share their experience strength and hope with you.

I haven't had the same experiences you had but understand pain and the feeling of worthlessness. There's no way I could have healed without help. I've been using the therapy process for many many years and can honestly say I'm better than I used to be. I like and enjoy my own company today.

But please consider taking advantage of some professional help. You'll be surprised at the difference it might make for you.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing

[Icare4u]

That’s tough. I think the only way to not feel that pain is to disconnect it from your life. Realize that that’s over and done and you can’t change it, but you can change the future. What do you like about yourself?

Btw I was date raped and felt forced into sex to get out of scary situations as well. I realize that it was partially my mistake for being in those situations and I need to not do that again. Also I realize it has nothing to do with the here and now and tomorrow except for learning a lesson and being wiser than before.

[Hidden]

I can somewhat relate. I just wanted to say thanks for staying around. Because your story and feelings help others. Help others to know they are not alone.

I really hope you have a Counsellor or a cognitive behavior therapy book. Pdf.

World is so cruel. I always believe that if someone steps out on us in our lives it’s a good thing because we end up finding someone better and more suited for us. It always turns out shifty for the other person because they cheated. But that is their lesson.

I always hear people are dying of cancer and I’m in bed always or in the house depressed.

For skin care:

Eat garlic regularly. Drink water regularly. Boil ginger root.

Throw out old facecloth. And have a face ruiteen my skin clears up when I did that. And don’t share stuff on your skin. .