A life not lived

Often, I feel I was lied to my whole life. The casual way people told me about all of the wonderful things that awaited me along the journey of life made me believe that these experiences were universal. My fifth grade teacher telling us that one day someone would show up and sweep us off our feet, books telling me how great my college life would be and all of the amazing friends I would make while I was there. Those things did not happen for me. I made exactly zero friends in college and wished for death every single day I was there. I did not go away to school, I commuted and I go back and forth on whether or not that was a good idea. I've come to firmly believe that had I attended a school where I was living in a dorm, being around all of those happy students and hearing about the great time they were having while almost certainly not having one myself would have resulted in me leaving school without graduating. Hey, I hated it but I got a diploma....it does me no good of course.

No one ever swept me off my feet. No one has ever been interested in me romantically. I would go out with my cousin and she would get hit on and I would just sit there. I'm nothing when I'm outside, invisible, unlikable. I have no social life. I'm 46 and I've only ever been in a wedding party once, as a flower girl when I was six. I have never had all night conversations where I shared my thoughts on changing the world with others, no breathless phone calls about amazing (or not so amazing) dates. No one calls me, I call no one. I have a people shaped hole in me where friends and lovers were supposed to live. I hate myself, everyday I hate myself a little more. I don't think I'm going to make it. I've failed at everything. I don't want to be here anymore but I don't want my parents to suffer because of my failures. They suffer seeing me like this, I know that but I don't want them to bury me. I'm scared of what I will do when they are no longer here. I'm scared of what I will do while they are here, as I have amounted to nothing in this world where I see others do so much. I see them achieve so much over and over and I don't know where they get the energy. I don't enjoy doing anything, I once joked that my list of dislikes is infinite and my list of likes is "sleeping". I don't even want things anymore, I don't bother with goals because I know I will l never achieve them so at least I can avoid failure by not trying. People say "stay strong" and I've never been strong. I've never been anything but a failure so I guess I achieved one thing.

[Nerds]

Hi,

I want you to know that you have a purpose in life! You do matter in this world and make a difference. You have not found love yet but who saids it’s to late. Good things come to those who wait. You got your college degree and that’s all that matters. You achieved something big in life, so don’t say you’re a failure. I have to say that I’ve achieved just about everything in life but that doesn’t make you. What counts is what’s within. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. I also didn’t have alot of friends growing up, but the only friends I’ve had abandoned me. I trusted them and they broke my heart. When I told them how I suffered from depression and anxiety they blocked me. I’m still hurting. It’s hard to love again and trust someone after that so I’ve learned to have my guard up. You have to think about your parents and your loved one on how they would feel it you ever committed suicide. It’s a very selfish act. My only brother hung himself and I deal with the pain everyday. I’ve also felt suicidal and attempted it once. I’ve realize there’s so much to life and there’s help out there. I hope you can find the support you need. Just know you have a friend on the other end of this message😄Stay strong👍

[Hidden in reply to Nerds]

Thank you for your kind words.

[Nerds in reply to Hidden]

Anytime❤️

[enigmaticide]

It's clear to me that you've faced a fair amount of disappointments in your life. If I'm understanding correctly, you DID manage to graduate college with a degree. If that's incorrect, you have graduated high school, and ANY attained education IS an accomplishment, even if it's a random course.

Throughout my own educational experiences, there's one subject that I'd never noticed offered, but always SHOULD have been: Valuing YOURSELF 101. To boil it down, such a course would train people to not only focus on their personal strengths and interests, but to BUILD on them to provide meaningful value to both themselves and the community at large.

Sadly, the very nature of such a course would be very difficult to apply to a traditional grading system, but the value of such education would be immense.

Thus, it must fall to the individual, in this case you. I'm asking you to sincerely contemplate your skills and interests, and commit to building on them as a means to build upon yourself.

[Hidden in reply to enigmaticide]

Thank you, I did graduate from college. It was so long ago that I've long since forgotten pretty much everything I learned. Thanks for reading.

[ma65]

Hi alonensad i can relate to alot of what you are saying. What you say about everyone having a wonderful life is not always as it seems. thats how you perceive it. In reality most people live boring & uneventful lives.

[Hidden in reply to ma65]

Sure some people are bored but I have seen people with actual fulfilled lives. What some see as boring, others see as eventful. Yes, I'm unhappy and I don't see a way out of it but I certainly don't think everyone is me.

[Hidden]

I'm very sorry for how you're feeling. You've had a lot of unhappiness in your life and I'm glad you're here and you have found a wonderful group to help you through this...

I did notice you said you had graduated which is a major huge positive accomplishment. You had the good sense to see it through ..the courage to finish and obtain a degree which a lot of people abandon the idea out if frustration, family issues, etc.. you say you are jobless...my suggestion is to start looking..there are jobs there..

Life is a mixed bowl of soup..your life achievements, disappointments, your goals, aspirations, etc..if you are very unhappy and have had a lot of disappointments in the past that in no way means it has to shape your present and future. You and only you can make these changes...you have far too much worth..to abandon anything but...summon up the courage to make these changes... nobody can do this for you however you have a lot of cheerleaders here. Harming yourself is never an option as your parents family would be left distraught forever..I lost a brother through an extremely tragic motorcycle accident with my cousin and what it did the entire family and watching what it did to my parents I'll never want to see in my life again..the parents loss of a child. Devastating is not even close. There's no word to describe. You and only you can make these changes ...we know you can do it....we are one bunch of amazing cheerleaders...but it has to come from you. Are you seeing a Therapist who can help you get started or a Life Coach? Both can help immensely. They can also help you with gaining some friends and how to go about that.

You CAN do this. 👍⭐⚓

My blessings, thoughts and prayers and I'm ALWAYS here for you!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I graduated so long ago, I barely remember being in college other than remembering how much I disliked being there even though it was my "dream school". I'm too shy to go to therapy, I can barely talk to people I know. If I could do therapy online, I think I would try that but it seems expensive and I don't have much money.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

There's phone and video therapy I'm sure you have health insurance and if not there's sliding scale fees at your local mental health center. You have 2 choices:. Continue on living unhappily or make the changes you want.

We all get those two choices in life. I'm very much introverted. I need a day or 2 of recoup time after I've gone out and done errands etc...it gets too peopley and I need me time.

Your choices to think about.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I suggest to naming 1 thing positive every day in your life and writing it down. You appear to lean toward the negative and generalize that everything is all bad. I understand where you're coming from I've been there.

Examples are incredibly easy...if you have difficulty I'll be glad to give you some examples that I have in my own life. My life wasn't always easy and it's still not. Trust me.

Now in regards to video therapy or teletherapy ., it is covered by insurance. Sometimes you pay up front get a receipt and send it to your insurance company for reimbursement. Other times you can set up a payment plan.

If you want change, sometimes that's scary and I think we all in the site here can relate that making changes for the positive in your life can be scary...one of my posts is just about that... fear and making changes..we are cheerleaders 🎉🎉 for you here...👭👬...

The sun came out this morning..it's a beautiful day here. Enjoy your day. I'm here for you! ⚓ You're a 🌟! You just haven't proven it to yourself yet however you've proven it to us. 🌞🙌😊

[ma65]

When iam feeling low i try to remember that there are people alot worse off than me. Yes things could be alot better but also alot worse

[Hidden in reply to ma65]

Thank you for reading.

[Hidden in reply to ma65]

Very true. We often do not remember what we are grateful for until tradgedy strikes.

[LoveBear]

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. It’s definitely hard watching people around you enjoying life and “accomplishing so much”. We all have things we accomplish everyday and I try to congratulate myself on the simple things, getting out of bed, showering, taking a walk. College is huge but don’t forget all the small accomplishments. Easier said than done I know but I do believe it helps.

[Hidden in reply to LoveBear]

Thank you,it is difficult to see other people doing well in life. I know that they worked hard for what they have achieved and that they have their struggles but I just want something for myself.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I often think of Hollywood as an example ..many wonderful, truly talented super stars who entertain us through movies or TV shows. Have you read "People Magazine" and that's one magazine I trust among the others for validity of stories. The amount of divorced, bankruptcy, ending ones life, the year long this far Operation Varsity Blue's, rehab and more.....all of them very common to ALL people no matter where you live however it appears to happen a bit more there than other places as they seem to struggle a lot more..looking at the stats..

It makes me wonder, do they realize the what they are grateful for? My point, and I've always said money doesn't matter to me as long as I can pay the bills put money aside for fun money and "fur' money. I'm all set.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

People struggle in many different ways. I can't presume to know why others do the things they do, I only know that in my case, I had every advantage that a person can have: a good, loving family and parents that worked hard so I could attend good schools. I am fairly smart (terrible at math) but I lost my work ethic in college. I became discouraged when I couldn't make friends, I truly believe that having friends is what helped me do well in school, knowing that they were working hard helped me to work hard. I lost all of that when I ended up all alone at college. I let myself down, I do not have anyone else to blame and I wallow in it but I don't have anything else to show for my life. I know it sounds like whining so I don't go on like to people in my life because I know that no one wants to hear someone complaining. I have a cousin who did everything right, she did very well in school and graduated from an Ivy League law school and has a lovely relationship and a good job. I'm happy for her but I know that if I could have gotten myself together I could have a good life. I wish I didn't think this way but I can't turn it off and there is nowhere to go to get my mind off it.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You have choices

[Roukaya in reply to Hidden]

Good morning

I hope you are well

I ha d all the posts with great interest

I can really relate to the post by which she feels let down and disappointed

I am fifty and for a few years since I was a carer I an elderly Father and managing his responsibilities personal and financial , this has really triggered my already present mental anxiety

I think I am very lonely but seems I have chosen this for now because if hurtful and offensive people

I have recently learnt that as outwards I have a childish voice with a lack of confidence , the people who do meet me make a judgement

I am learning to realise the only person who can help ourselves is us

But feeling sad over many responsibilities that I felt overwhelming pressure to resolve

Again it is very insightful for you to say either you live an unhappy life or or made the changes to improve your life

I think at heart you are a therapist and a good one at that