Feeling a bit anxious and conflicted. Am I crazy for feeling this way?

[Rudolph26]

So, I’m supposed to get tested for STD’s in a little less then a month. However, I haven’t been with anyone for a year. The reason I’m getting tested is because I recently had a blood and urine test and some things came back strange; yet, I don’t have any physical symptoms for an STD. So, it may be nothing, but I’m nervous because the guy I was with a year ago was a little shady and more then likely cheated on me. One conversation in particular bothered me, because he kept interigating me and asking me if I had an STD, I then reminded him that I was a virgin till being with him and that I had only been with him. So, I knew I was clean. However, he had been married and divorced and had been with mulitiple women before me (and likely while with me as well) I’m concerned because we never used condoms because I was on the pill and he claimed he was tested and clean.

Unfortunately, after we broke up. His grandma told me I should get tested for an STD because his wife had problems when giving birth to their child and she claimed it might be due to an STD because she had problems getting pregnant in general. (Infertility is a common symptom for Gonorrhea.) and the symptoms are almost completely undetectable to women, but are physically detectable for men. So, this is why I’m concerned.

This being said, because I had no symptoms, I blew off what his grandmother told me and just took his word. This is what I’m anxious about, because I really don’t want to have an STD from the first jerk I slept with, or in general, you know?

Here is my conflict

I’m still friends (barely in contact) with his best friend, and his wife. They were always kind to me and would even help me out whenever I needed someone. Quite the contrast to my jerk of an ex. Anywho, my ex ended up marrying his niece (fresh meat and had just turned 18, met her as well, she was a saint of a person. I honestly feel bad for her because she grew up in a sheltered catholic family and my ex is a druggy/ alcoholic. Fun fun)

Anyway, my exes best friend sent me a go fund me request for a relative because he needs a surgery. I felt conflicted because I’m legitimately donating money to my exes brother-in-law as well. I went ahead and donated anyway because it’s not right to put the blame on their whole family because my ex is an asshole. However, I can’t help but feel sick about it as well. Because I hate being reminded of him. He was the worst person I have ever been with and I honestly wish I would have never met him. Plus, it’s not like I’m even close with his friend. We just weren’t on bad terms and he and his wife were always kind to me. On top of that, I might have an STD from this dushbag. I just feel kinda frustrated and sick to my stomach. I don’t have much money and I gave away part of the money to get tested and possibly treated to his now relatives. But they aren’t bad people, only my ex is. I just feel so mixed up and concerned and It’s hard to process. Am I crazy for feeling this way?

[Hidden]

Hi! My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for your experience and your concerns. You’re not in any way crazy for how you feel. On top of what this guy did to you you are still trying to be a kind and giving person. But sometimes you have to kindly say “No, I’m sorry but I can’t contribute at this time.” You don’t want to be a doormat. People catch on to that real quick and take advantage. You don’t deserve what has happened to you. You sound like a very good person. I very much hope your test goes well.

[Rudolph26 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, I guess I feel bad because the surgery is a life and death situation. So, I didn’t want to leave them hanging. You see, last week my family found out my dad has been diagnosed with cancer. He was in the hospital for three days, two weeks ago, just because he was tested for it. I was terrified I would lose him just from that. Luckily the doctors said they caught it early enough so they should be able to remove it all. But surgeries have risks and I just pray he will be okay.

See, this is why I didn’t want to turn them down. I know how scary it is to almost lose someone you love. I’ve also had a close friend of mine die a year ago and only two months before that, my professor passed away, and she and I were close as well. I don’t want to lose anymore people. Not to death... So, yeah, I may feel conflicted but I wouldn’t feel right ignoring their request either. It’s life and death.

I just feel bad for feeling conflicted about it because I almost feel selfish because of it.

Thank you for the reassurance. I am really grateful for it.

[Hidden in reply to Rudolph26]

I’m so sorry that you have had so many people in your life pass away. I’m also sorry to hear that your dad has cancer and they have to do surgery. I’m sure he will be ok. Try to just think positive. My brother-in-law just had quadruple bypass surgery. We were there for support but we wouldn’t allow ourselves to think about what could go wrong. We just kept positive thoughts and he came through with absolutely no complications. And it’s good that they caught your dad’s cancer early enough.

You sound like such a good person. I can understand now why you wanted to contribute to the cause. But please don’t think you are selfish for the thoughts you are having because of what your ex did to you. I would feel conflicted, too. But you gave anyway. That is definitely not a selfish person! I hope that soon you can move past everything that has happened to you and be happy. And I hope everything goes well with your dad.

[Rudolph26 in reply to Hidden]

wow, I'm glad he is okay. Thank you for the encouragement. I've been trying to do the same, not think about it. I can't even begin to fathom my life without my dad. He is the most amazing man I know. So, any thoughts of losing him I try to just brush aside and assure myself that he will be okay. I guess I try to remember that life is a risk anyway. A risk to love, a risk to live, a risk to assume that you even have a moment longer with someone. But even if its a gamble, a risk, a faith that doesn't last longer than even a moment, I want to take that risk. I want to hold on to every moment I have; especially with those I love. Because I know that when I go through hard times, those memories, those moments, might hold me together. And maybe even give me the oppurtunity to give those kinds of moments to someone else and inspire them, the way I was inspired in the past.

Thanks for saying I seem like a good person. It makes me happy to hear it. I don't think I am a bad person, but I definately struggle with a lot psychological issues and sometimes feel a bit trapped in my head. It's funny, sometimes I feel like I express myself better when writing then I do when talking. It's as if my tung can't keep up with my mind. So, I jumble over my words when I speak to people about what's really on my heart. Sometimes I feel like being a good person isn't good enough. I often feel helpless, and I feel like my words don't reach people.

When it comes to relationships, I'm so terrified to allow someone to love me. I often times feel like I am mans downfall. Most men see only my face or body, or both, and never take the time to really know me past that. Sometimes I wonder if thats my fault, but then I argue with myself and realize it's not. But then, I question. Why is it I only know two men who ever treated me like a human being instead of doll with a pretty face? Then it goes back in a circle, and again wonder if it's my fault. I may good person because I never used people. But this doesn't mean I have no flaws. It's a flaw to not allow people in, and perhaps thats why so many men don't see me as more than flesh. If I only show that I'm skin deep, then can I blame people for assuming thats all I am? I'm terrified to allow to really know me in person, because I fear reactions. I fear I won't be good enough. I fear people leaving me more then anything, because everytime I've opened up about my life and real problems, they leave. At least, thats the case when it comes to relationships. Only recently has that not occurred in friendships, and I'm grateful for that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm superficial with people. I'm always real with people. But, I'm kinda like Shrek in this, I have layers like onion. The deeper you get into the layers, the more realize just how bitter the taste is. People don't like onions, and unfortunately, when people see me, they sometimes mistaken me for rose until they get closer.

Sorry for the rant. I guess a lot is on my mind today

[Hidden in reply to Rudolph26]

I feel so fortunate to have found my husband in high school 38 years ago. Times are so different now. I can totally understand it being hard to let people get close to you, especially in a romantic relationship. People these days rush it. In the beginning people always put their best foot forward so that is what you see. You don’t see the baggage that comes with them until you really get to know them and then sometimes that’s to late to not have your heart broken. And at the same time it takes time to know if you can let your guard down and know if someone will accept you and love you in spite of your own baggage. I’ve always thought it best to be friends first, really get to know each other and if a romantic relationship comes of it then that’s great because you both really know each other. There’s nothing wrong with being pretty so don’t fault yourself for that. If that’s all a guy cares about then he’s not good enough for you. If he’s not interested in getting to know the person inside the pretty body then he is the one that is superficial. To me you sound pretty inside and out. Just take it slow and build a friendship first and see if he sticks around. If he doesn’t then he’s not worth having. You deserve better. I came into my relationship with my husband with a lot of baggage caused by a difficult childhood but I was determined to take it slow and he was patient and satisfied with being friends until I was ready for it to turn in to something more. And then he loved my in spite of all my baggage.

But I can understand it being difficult to let people in because of fear of rejection. I have that problem with finding friends. I’m afraid that I’m just not good enough and that I just don’t have enough to bring to the friendship. I don’t think fast on my feet and I feel like I’m too boring. I also think I do much better with writing than with speaking. I think you would be surprised how much people are alike. I think to some degree most people fear not being good enough or have a fear of rejection. Some just hide it very well. And don’t focus on finding a romantic relationship, focus on finding a friend first. And don’t be so hard on yourself. We all have layers. Some of which are not all that pretty. I know some of my layers have been very difficult on my husband but I trust him and he loves me anyway. But it took time for those layers to show themselves. It takes friendship, trust, and then love. If you don’t mind me asking how old are you and where do you usually meet people?

[Rudolph26 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks, what you said is really encouraging for me. I'm currently interested in my best friend and he feels the same towards me. But we both have been hurt many times in our past relationships and are taking things slow and putting our potential relationship on hold for now and just supporting each other as friends until we can think a little more clearly and reavulate what we want in a relationship. I've known him since I was 11 and I'm 26, almost 27 now. This is also why I'm a little nervous about these STD results because I wouldn't want him to be with me if I had anything really bad that couldn't be cured. We love each other, but never considered each other in a romantic way until recently. If I can avoid him falling in love with me, if something happened, then I would want him to move on.

As for where I meet people, usually at school (Im a full time student). If not there, random places, like stores, parks when I go on walks. I don't really go to pubs anymore; so, thats about it.

[Hidden in reply to Rudolph26]

I’m so glad to hear that you are best friends with the person you are interested in and that he feels the same way and that you are taking it slow. I am so so sorry you have the scare of an STD hanging over your head. When will you find out the prognosis?

[Rudolph26 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. Unfortunately, there isn't even an available appointment for me to get tested until July 15th. So, I assume a few days after that.

[Hidden in reply to Rudolph26]

Oh, the waiting is tough, isn’t it. I don’t know a lot about STDs but if it’s Gonnareah (I don’t know how to spell it) isn’t that a bacterial infection that can be treated?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I would call often to see if they’ve had a cancellation to see if you might could get in earlier. AND ask them to call you if they do get a cancellation.

[Rudolph26 in reply to Hidden]

Yes, it is a bacterial infection and it can be treated. My hope is that it isn't anything worse then that. And based on my lab results, I doubt it is anything worse then that. I doubt it's as extreme as HIV because my blood results were normal; however, my urine sample had bacteria in it and the doctor was thinking its a UTI. HIV isn't a bacterial infection, so I doubt its that. I have no symptoms for a UTI though; so, it might be an STD. That's why I need to get tested.

The wait is very difficult, and it makes it hard for me to sleep sometimes. Plus, everything else thats going on right now makes it a little more difficult as well.

[Hidden in reply to Rudolph26]

You are going through a lot right now. And I know that even if it is treatable it’s still scary. And you want to get it treated as soon as possible. My heart goes out to you and if you need to talk at any time in the upcoming weeks please feel free to talk to me. I will be sure to talk to you in reply.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

And I would like to know how you are doing.

[Rudolph26 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, I really do appreciate it. I will keep you updated. Same goes to you, if you ever need to talk. I’m here as well

[Hidden in reply to Rudolph26]

Thanks so much!

[Rudolph26]

Thanks, I hope it does too.