Total despair

[Jimmyspadge]

This will be the sixth time I have tried to write down what is happening. I have had anxiety/depression for a long time but it’s now out of control. I had my own business when the symptoms started and I gave up the business thinking all would be ok. I was so so wrong. After not working for around 3 months I got a job in a factory. After around 2 months there I started having severe pain in my right elbow. After a while my left elbow hurt but not as bad. My anxiety and depression was getting worse and at lunchtime I would avoid everyone and sit in my car. In January of this year I went on the sick due to the pain in my elbows but it was really the anxiety and depression that made me go on the sick. Since January I became worse with anxiety and depression to the point where I just mostly stayed in with thoughts whizzing around my mind about the financial trouble that myself and my family were getting into. The more I thought about the circumstances the more anxious I got. The more anxious and depressed I got, the more the problems got worse which in turn created more stress/anxiety and depression. It’s now got to a point that I have let everything go downhill and I have almost lost my mind. I wake early hours with the thoughts about the circumstances which I cannot stop. I am instantly alert and this can be at 3am after like 4 hours sleep. I can never get back to sleep. Everything, no matter how small a problem brings a wave of anxiety through my head and body. An instant yesterday happened. This may sound silly but the masher to crush potatoes broke and again I was overwhelmed with anxiety and I honestly nearly cried over it. I live with my wife and four children. Due to my mental health and the way I have been acting etc my wife says over and over how much she hates me and told me that I leave or she will. I have tried to explain to her in a calm way that I don’t mean to be like this and I have forgotten what normality is and how worrying thoughts dominate my mind all the time accompanied by the symptoms. I have got in such a bad state that even though I know I need to get myself together I simply cannot as any obstacle no matter how small just pounds down on me so hard. I know it’s my thinking causing it and I try so hard to face the problems that are present but it’s like I am a car in a car park surrounded by other cars and to get out of the car park is impossible because there are loads of cars blocking me in, and if I shunt one car out of the way then there is another car blocking my path directly behind the car I have just shunted out of the way. Many other things like watching tv have things on there that have a connection to the feelings that I keep getting. I am on 15mg of mirtazapine since August last year which sometimes I think maybe is making me worse but at other times I think they help. I know very well that I must get better but the situations / circumstances are to far gone and the stress/anxiety and depression is a vicious circle that has worn me out. Another thing that keeps happening which I know is part of mental exhaustion is that I sometimes feel sort of peaceful and I cannot feel anything at all and although peaceful is frightening as it is very perplexing. After this has vanished I will struggle to do anything really, like making a cup of tea as it feels so difficult to carry out. Trying to cook a simple meal for my family is horrendous like I will miss time everything and make simple mistakes like put a pan on the cooker light the gas ring but I light the wrong gas ring and I have been using the cooker for about 5 years. I feel like deleting this post as I read back and I feel embarrassed. Apologies for the long post

[brokenlight]

Thank you for being here

It can be challenging to share our pain, but try not to be embarrassed

We get it

I’m so sorry for your pain & suffering 💙✨

[Starrlight]

Keep hope...Things get better. I’m so sorry you are suffering.

Did it help to write it out? Keep writing...

[CCPM]

I am sorry that you are in so much pain. This is a place where people can relate to your experiences. We hear you. What has worked for me when I've felt totally overwhelmed is to get out of my head and into my body: deep breathing, guided meditation, etc. Even 3 deep breaths or rubbing my palms together can provide some relief. No pressure to try anything out ... no judgment around how you are navigating things ... really just a story about what works for me in case it gives you an idea that appeals to you. Just sharing and wishing you well as you notice what works for you ... even in just a small way. We hear you.

[Jimmyspadge in reply to CCPM]

Thanks for your reply.

[Hidden]

I liked your post not because I liked it but because I could relate so much to it, that it brought me to tears just thinking about how bad it hurts and afraid I get sometimes. I know that is absolutely no help. I was just letting you know that I/we here get it. Thank You for being here. And I type up post all the time and never post them. I've sit there 2 hours and obsessed over every word I was typing, only to delete it. It is scary to hit send not knowing what the reaction will be. That took 🏀🏀's Jimmy! Good one!

[Jimmyspadge in reply to Hidden]

I really have lost faith in everything. I have my children who know I am not well but don’t know the full reality of either the horrendous circumstances like on the edge of being evicted, huge money concerns, cancelling direct debits when still in contract. I have a old car which is off the road on Saturday as no money to tax and insure it. Only material but it causes a lot of problems not being able to nip here or there. There is shopping which puts me in a weird place in my mind as I have to go really slowly because I try to feed the family of six on £65 a week. I am only still living here because of the lockdown. The thought of moving out petrifies me. I have no where to go and I keep getting visions of being outside supermarkets asking for money. I feel so responsible as I gave up my business last year and it’s come to this. I feel incapable of so much and I have let it fester and I will be honest and say that I saw it coming but felt too ill to stop it.

[Jimmyspadge]

Thankyou

[AllTimeLow]

Mental exhaustion. I understand. Thanks for sharing your story.