Desperation and Despair

[Magicdreamer]

Today is my daughter's birthday and her father doesn't answer my messages. I sent her school a poem for my daughter for her to read on her birthday. My daughter was taken away because I was using drugs to cope with my job and social anxiety and past childhood neglect and didn't know how to conceptualise it. I know the Universe is helping me heal as I've come to terms with what's happened and understanding that since my awakening that the only way to true healing is getting out of the head and into the emotional body. I've always been terrified of my emotions and now I'm teaching myself how to nurture myself. What I'm experiencing is when I try contact my daughter, her father completely ignores my messages which is how I was treated by my Dad as a punishment (being iignored) and now he's moved her out of school without my knowledge. I feel like I'm less than human and that I'm swimming in a sea of condemnation. I feel desperation which gives me a feeling of desperately trying to run and a vision of a child climbing a muddy hill trying to get away.... Then I fall into another deeper emotion of despair which feels heavy and thick and then I feel like I'm sinking. Then I feel hate and seperation and condemnation and in a pool of shame. I've always thought that a perfect Mom was a soccer Mom.... One that could be home with her kids in the day, bake and have a husband. An idea that society has made me compare myself to which, considering my circumstances as as a single Mom, never being able to have a relationship with a man and be truly connected, is an unfair comparison. I feel like I'm reliving my childhood when my dad got custody of me when I was a kid. The same repeat is happeng but the roles are reversed which helps me see the conditioned believes that lead to this hell I'm experiencing. I feel so powerless and I'm dealing depressed as there's absolutely nothing I can do - it's futile. I feel like I don't have a right and so I feel so powerless and helpless. Xxx

[Mary-intussuception]

" I was using drugs . . . "

You are no longer using and everything you have written is understandable.

You can fight this.

Surely you do have rights - or what rights you lost /sacrificed when using drugs you can get back. But you must be determined and go about everything the right and proper way - whatever her Dad is doing.

Forget about him and fight legally to get back your right to see your daughter.

Is there any organisation near you that will help someone in your position to regain their rights?

There must be someone who can assist you with access to your Precious daughter.

Even if you have to start with supervised visits you can then prove yourself and carry on fighting for proper access.

History does seem to repeat itself, but we can break the cycle with Love, healing and determination. It may not be easy - but what have you got to lose?

Just remember this - you are forgiven your past. So forgive yourself and fight for your daughter, there IS something you can do.

Also - always remember you are Precious and Loved

God Bless x

🌹🌹🌹

[Magicdreamer in reply to Mary-intussuception]

Thank you so so much for those words. I feel like I'm not deserving. There's a 1 year waiting trial for addiction in South Africa. The social workers aren't willing to look past that and they really don't care. They allow people in jail to see their kids but not addictive behaviours. I have to some how get back out their and slowly start working and get back on my feet. I need to take a least a year to allow myself to do that and then I can start with social workers and even get a lawyer if I can. I can't understand what's going on in his head to keep her away. I see this is a cycle in his family as his 2 older sisters also do not allow the dad to see their kids as they're called useless. I need to understand that I can only work on myself and get back up. Thank you. God bless you and thank you Xxx

[Hwhme]

It must be very difficult and I have no idea if there are any legal contact issues. However, as long as the issues that led to you losing custody have been or are being addressed, I do not see why you should not be allowed to tell your daughter that you love, care and think about her every day. If you and her father can’t come to terms over this is there a friend or relative he trusts that you could contact. I would suggest that your letter does not seek to apportion blame but makes the point that you both love her and are both doing what you think is best for her and that you leave it unsealed so that he can read it before her. If no friends or relatives are available what about the courts. Whatever has gone on in the past your daughter deserves to know that whilst her mother and father have different opinions you both love her very much. I do not know if her father thinks he needs to protect her from some of the bad choices you may have made but you should have the right to let your daughter know that it is not her fault and that people can change.

[Magicdreamer in reply to Hwhme]

That's exactly how I feel. My son gets to talk to her at least and I know I messed up and if I had to do it again, I would cos I didn't know any better but I'm healing and I want to tell her that it's not her fault. I want to connect with her and open up to her. Her father is extremely stubborn and what he's doing doesn't make logical sense. He's fightimg his own demons. He's a very aggressive man, physically so, I have concerns. He's recently gone through a divorce and has another women in his life and he knows how attached my daughter and I were. I've got to just put my head down and move towards setting myself up first. Build confidence and get back on my feet as priority number 1. Thank you for taking the time to respond and for you wonderful words. Every bit helps. God's blessings you. Xxx

[Hwhme]

I am sure that a year seems like a very long time but if you do keep your head down and get stronger you will be in a better place at the end of it. You have already addressed the legal stuff and not sure if time difference in continents means it was not available when I last replied but apologies if it was and I missed it. Maybe you could write something to and for your daughter every day in a book, so that you can show this to the social workers in due course and your daughter when appropriate. It will demonstrate to one and all that you have been thinking about her and doing what you could to keep in touch. Take care and good luck in your future.

[Magicdreamer in reply to Hwhme]

Thank you for your response. Yeah, I actually have been keeping a diary for her so one day she can read the daily struggles that I've been going through and not being able to contact her. I can't keep focusing on what if it how can I get to her..... I need to make myself better and heal so that I can be strong and not let her father and his family bully me anymore. Thank you for your words and encouragement. God bless!