Trust

[sarahmcf]

My husband has been disloyal and lied so many times over our 11 years together and I’ve finally reached the point where I don’t think I can trust him anymore. I keep pushing for therapy and relationship building exercises and other various things to do to try and rebuild our relationship but he doesn’t do them or seem to want to. I think I’m just living in denial of where we really are. I feel so in love with him and that I need him so much but I think I know that we aren’t happy and don’t know if we ever will be.

[Hidden]

Just leave. I've been there and got a divorce. I found love again and finally have children. It won't get any better because he doesn't want to try. Why bother? Leave and start a brand new life before its too late.

[sarahmcf in reply to Hidden]

We have three kids together. 5,2, and 2 months.

[Hidden in reply to sarahmcf]

Oh OK. Different scenario. Make it work if you can but don't get treated badly. Your kids might be better with a good man.

[sarahmcf in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I just wish he would follow through on all the things he says he wants to do/change/be better about.

[Hidden in reply to sarahmcf]

Give it a chance with a time limit and then move on. It will be hard but can be so good. I promise. I've been there.

[san_ray70]

16 years ago I was in the same position, I left him, it was not easy, my children did not want to come with me. Then I met a lovely man, the only thing was he was not local to me. For 6 months I was seeing him every weekend, but he had to either come on a train, or I had to drive 150 miles. To me it was worth it to drive because we got a longer time together. Then we got married, I have never been happier.

[Cmarie12]

I'm sorry you have to go thru this, I've been there and it hurts. It sounds like you have very little self esteem left. I left my marriage when I felt like I had turned into his doormat. I didn't recognize myself anymore. I cried all the time with 2 toddlers. So much shame and guilt about not being good enough. Such a sad time in my life. That was 24 years ago that I moved him in with his parents when he was on a short business trip. I told them to pick him up at the airport and told them he was their problem now.

Okay, please don't do that. I felt brave for a minute but then kind of really struggled for a while. What I would suggest is go to those appointments alone. See if you can't find workshops on building up your self esteem. Perhaps take a course at your local college or the library offers a number of different options. Get some self worth and self confidence back.

This may take some time but you'll start to feel better about yourself and just maybe you might realize that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. My wish for you is for great strength, courage and happiness.

Hugs,

Marie

[sarahmcf in reply to Cmarie12]

Thank you Marie. Fortunately his mom is mostly aware of a lot of issues that have been happening the last couple years. She has told me if I choose to leave or take time apart that either of us are alright to stay with her. My sister has also always told me the same thing. My self esteem is pretty much non existent. Even after everything that has happened I still want to be with him. If this still can work, I want it to. But I don’t know if once it’s clear that it never will, if I’ll be able to go. And does he even actually deserve for me to stay as try to rebuild a marriage with him. So much has happened and it is really starting to feel like he isn’t ever truly sorry and isn’t truly going to put in the work to change or be better. I think the possibility of leaving now and him not chasing after me scares me more than potentially watching our relationship crash and burn from the inside.

[Cmarie12 in reply to sarahmcf]

It's tough...you will not get pressure from me. That is great that you have options of places to stay if you eventually decide you've had enough.

I truly believe you should do something to get your self esteem in check, even if you decide to stay. Being stronger and taking back some control of what you want from your marriage you just may look at things differently.

Doing some research to see what programs or courses or whatever you decide can direct your thoughts away from how defeated you feel. You may even get a little excited just seeing what's out there even if looking is all you can muster for now.

Enjoy your babies, keep them close and spoil them with your love and affection.

Hugs,

Marie

[sarahmcf in reply to Cmarie12]

Thank you for the positivity and advice Marie. 🖤

Tomorrow is going to be a big cuddle day with my babies.

[lillyofthevalley37]

Hi in your other post you said your husband has bipolar disorder, a feature of bipolar is going off and sleeping with other people when mania occurs along with overspending , when the high.wears off and they hit a low they can feel so ashamed of themselves, in Stephen Frys programme on bipolar he speaks to the parents of a young women who slept with strangers when.she was high then later jumped in front of a train she felt so ashamed

My sister had bipolar she had an affair when.she was high and her husband never forgave her bc he didn't bother to learn about BPD

My husband has bipolar ( I found out he had bpd when I was pregnant with our seond child ) he cheated on me when he was high. A worse trait is being nasty to one particular person usually a loved one when they have mania

You need to take all this into account

[sarahmcf in reply to lillyofthevalley37]

Believe me. I have. This has been a reoccurring trait when he isn’t treating his illness over the last 11 years. He won’t go back to the doctor. He won’t try to take care of his own mental health. Every time something happens it hurts and it kills me but I stay because I know it’s not him. But this time feels different. He doesn’t seem to feel ashamed. And he isn’t taking the necessary steps to make sure or try to make sure it never happens again. I love him so much and I know he is sick but when is it time to throw in the towel after years of maltreatment because of his illness that he is ignoring.

[lillyofthevalley37 in reply to sarahmcf]

You can treat bipolar disorder with natural over the counter stuff like GABA, taurine , 5htp

[Pamela2876]

I am sorry you are facing this. Is your husband receiving any kind of treatment? Are you seeking out any counseling for yourself? I would suggest reaching out to find someone local to you that can help encourage you to build solid boundaries so your marriage can improve. I also highly recommend a book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This book has been tremendously helpful for my husband and I as he battled with addiction.

[sarahmcf in reply to Pamela2876]

Thank you Pamela. I am currently looking for a counselor. I have been trying to get my husband to go back to the doctor for awhile, a lot more so the last couple months but he doesn’t make it a priority. I can’t force him to go, nor do I want to. I want to feel like he is taking this seriously. Thank you for the recommendation on book. I will look it up!