Help. Anxiety is unmanageable and feel I cant move forward.

[Loulou198]

Ive not posted on here before so thought I would give this a go. I feel like a mess.

4 years ago my partner admitted to using porn. We discussed it, he said he wouldn't use again. We also paid for me to see a sex therapist as I was quite upset about his use of porn and male sexuality. The therapist said that my feelings on the subject were valid, but, given that my partner said he wouldn't use again we moved forward.

2 years ago we moved in together, my libido started to decline. I would wake up to him masturbating next to me (something I'm not used to as I'd not realised to what extent men need release) we have a few financial issues and this year one of my closest relatives died. This was really difficult for me. On top of this I have been driving 70 miles a day, for 2 years, as part of my daily commute. This has taken its toll.

I recognise that I have likely been depressed over the last couple of years and have pushed him away both mentally and physically.

Recently we went 4 months with no sex. I just couldn't get into it. My head was not there. I asked him if he was substituting with porn and he denied. He even said at one point, we have parental controls on our internet so that I dont think he's looking at porn.

He started getting out of bed at 4am. I asked him again if he was using it and he said that he hasn't been getting up to do that but he has been looking at over last 2 years. I feel devastated. I feel confused that he lied and given that I saw a therapist I would have hoped we could have discussed this. Instead hes been doing this for 2 years and lying about it.

He said that he only looks on the porn site but doesnt masturbate to it as he regards that as cheating. He said he needs to see something as we aren't having sex or if we are it's once a month. He tells me he's only looked at 50 times max. He said he doesn't go on webcams or into chat rooms. I have to somehow trust what he is saying.

I have a real issue with porn in relationships. The idea that he's been enjoying other women has made me feel so sick. My confidence is now at an all time low. My anxiety is unmanageable. I've been put on medication, I'm now with the local mental health team and been signed off of work because my head wont switch off. It will be 2 years until I can see a psychologist so in the meantime I've been allocated a psychiatric nurse. When she assessed me she said I have childhood trauma from events in my childhood (none of the events however are of a sexual nature, I was emotionally abused). I dont know how I'm going to cope feeling like this for 2 years before anything will addressed. I cannot seem to function.

I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I dont want to wake up in the morning, I've neglected my looks and the house is a mess. Ive always said to him from day 1 that porn is a problem for me in relationships. However, all I see on google is that men all look at it and how they need visual stimuli. Which is fine, but what if your partner doesnt want you getting off looking at other ladies? Hes admitted he wouldn't feel great if I looked at men, but he wouldn't have such a massive issue as me.

I'd hoped to settle down, marry and have children but I can't see this happening and this saddens me.

How do women who dont like porn cope with their partners using this?

I have no one to talk to. My friends say that's how men are, they're apes, pathetic etc and that they chose to ignore their husbands porn habits.

I dont want to think of men so derogatory (apes, pathetic). Im already feeling uneasy around them and this includes my dad. This upsets me.

What and where can I go with this to get some grounding and to feel better? I'd be grateful for any advice.

[hypercat54]

Hi I don't think all men or even most men use porn, or if they have it would have been in their teens. I also think it's a myth that men can't control their own sexuality - they can and should.

I am not surprised you feel threatened as I would not want to be in a relationship with a man who regularly used porn like this. It doesn't seem to be a healthy relationship.

The other issue is that he is doing it despite knowing how much it triggers you and how much you hate it. This shows a lack of empathy with your feelings.

If he wants/needs to masturbate then fine but not to porn and not sleeping next to you. Why can't he take himself off to the bathroom or something or wait until you aren't around before he does this?

I find it telling that you said he 'sent you off to see a sexual therapist' as though it is you with the problem! It isn't - it is him. Maybe you can both go to therapy this time and if you can afford to pay for it you can have it a lot quicker. x

[Loulou198 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you for your message. I am so confused right now. My anxiety is the worse its been for 23 years. I just dont know what to do with myself. I feel completely floored. Dont want to go out, dont want to mix with people. I need to go back to work at some point but I cant seem to get a grip on anything.

[Southwestsunshine in reply to Loulou198]

Can you take a vacation alone? Go camping for a weekend alone? Sounds like you have some things to figure out that require much self reflection. Some alone quiet time to really figure out if you want this relationship to continue. My boyfriend is a porn addict. I hated it at first but I've come to terms with it. Sometimes I even watch it with him that way I don't feel left out or cheated on. It has helped our sexual relationship. He doesn't expect me to be like the porn stars, its just visual stimulation. Does porn turn you off that much? There are many different kinds, perhaps there's some you could watch together.

[Loulou198 in reply to Southwestsunshine]

How did you come to terms with it? The idea that he is getting off to other women really upsets me.

I thought about watching stuff together but this just triggers off my anxiety (will he still watch behind my back, is he wishing he was with the women on screen).

In an ideal situation I'd rather work on his and my sexual intimacy so that he doesnt feel he needs porn.

[Ashura6]

I had this really long reply and my phone deleted it but feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.

I know excatly how you are feeling. My exhusband destroyed our marriage with porn that turned into actual cheating. My now husband, knew from day 1 how I felt also and swore he thought it was disgusting and against his beliefs. Yeah load of crap. A few years into our marriage I found a secret email account that had THOUSANDS of saved pictures, vidoes, and gifs. It destroyed me. We are a blended family with 6 kids total, 1 between us. So leaving him isnt an easy option. Around the same time I found out 2 family members passed away.... who also happened to be my 2 abusers as a child. I suppressed alot of it until the 1st one died and I started having these flashback episodes. Awful. Since everyone I know knew them I kept it to myself and have always. I have never put it into words what was done, or even whispered it to the universe. I cant. Its just been festering in my head since that first flashback.

So anyways that, mixed with my husbands betrayl and the massive amount of lies he tried to come up with saying his ex wife stole his email account and it was her porn and he did it because I am too pretty for him so everytime he felt insecure he would go look. At the end of the day I got a bunch of excuses why it was my fault somehow and how it shouldnt be a big deal but when I looked back (which btw made me feel even worse) he got hurt feelings and said he would think it was cheating if I looked again and it made him feel terrible about himself and he wasnt good enough. I explained thats what you make me feel like. Not only that we have 3 daughters who are already going to grow up in a society that tries to make them think thats what they have to be to be beautiful or wanted. And thats going to teach our 3 sons that its ok to view women like that. That seemed to click when I told him that. But probably only for a little, because 3 days before Christmas last year he got caught again. We acted like everything was ok for the kids and then it never got dealt with. At that time I was going to file for divorce. Too many times, too many lies and each time I think it changes my love for him. Its the lies that really get me. I hate the porn. It makes me feel worthless. The first time I really found out was after I had surgery and at 25 I died for 2 1/2 minutes. After they brought me back I was admitted to the hospital. Months later I found out that he was looking at porn while I was in the hopsital knowing he almost lost me. This was after I took care of him after he lost his nose from cancer and had go through multiple surgeries. I took care of him and loved him through it all. So it was a huge kick to the stomach. I tried to become like those girls. I thought it would make him want just me. Ive had 4 kids. I was never a big girl to begin with but I stopped eating, started working out 2 hrs a day and got so skinny that I can wear my 12 year olds clothes. I got a boob job thinking that would help my self esteem and maybe curb his attraction to other women. I tried to ve as sexy as possible. I tried to do new things with him based on the stupid images of the women he put ❤'s next to. Those women are burned into my brain. I tried to be what he was looking at and honestly it has taken everything from me. I know I have alot of issues outside of him that Im realizing I need to find a way to sort through. My Mom was always the type of person who said dont show emotion and so since childhood we were always told not to cry and to suck it up and be strong. So Ive never dealt with any of this stuff and the last few weeks its just too much. I had looked for help and my doctor recommended it but all the places here are so full they said "you have to come in and say your going to kill yourself before we can help you". Well I love my kids too much so that option has been gone since the day I got pregnant with my oldest. But I am drowning from severe major depression, eating disorder, severe anxiety, now social anxiety (you are the first person I have spoken to online in over a year since I deleted all social media accounts to make my husband happy, and myself I had too much stuff to help everyone else with theirs), I have flashbacks randomly of past traumas, now I cant sleep at night, its awful. I really hate medication in the past I had so many side effects I couldnt even turn my head or walk to the bathroom and I felt like my bones were glass and broken and I was throwing up blood and liver bile. Probably a mixture of the medication and a 20 year eating disorder Im just barely starting to acknowledge. So to be honest with you I have no clue how to help you. I really just wanted you to know you arent alone. There are women out there who feel like you and arent ever going to be ok with it. I dont feel like youve done anything wrong by stepping the expectation from day 1 and I hateeeeee how these men seem to be excused for these behaviors when they knew what they were getting into. Its like lying on a job application and getting caught later on, you'd be fired. So why is it that we are expected to change for them, or accept that they are "just men being men". Are you telling me that with all the tv, movies and songs about cheating, sleeping around and affairs that it would make it ok for me to do that because its whats concidered "normal" now? I think that he is in the wrong. He shouldve been the one to go to counseling to fix his issues with why he needs to look elsewhere. I tried to get my husband to go to counseling but like usual, I decided my suffering wasnt worth taking money way from the family needs and just dropped the idea. Sorry for the long story. Im not sure if it helps and if not Im sorry. Just know you arent alone and Im really sorry to hear that there is someone else out there feeling as lost as me. Hang in there, you are worth it

[Loulou198 in reply to Ashura6]

Hi

Im so sorry to hear that you are feeling the same as me. Our views are very similar on this. Im reassured that I am not on my own with this so your reply has been comforting, although at the same time saddens me.

Im trying to find a therapist to help me with my feelings on this but like you, I've been advised that urgent help is only given if you are suicidal.

What are you doing to get you through the day?

My anxiety is disabling at the moment. Im trying to make sense of it all (why Im letting this affect me so much) and its all consuming. I have to get myself back to work but my obsessive thinking and overwhelming feelings are not helping me to concentrate and think straight. I cant sleep, wake up obsessing.

My partner has said hes been looking at porn because of our lack of sex. We have been distant the last 2 years but now I feel if we dont have sex he will be viewing it again. So now I feel pressured.

Please dont think there is anything wrong with the way you look. Easier said than done (I know) but Men, even with the most beautiful looking partners, will still look at porn if this is what they like doing. We need to stop comparing ourselves to these women they are watching.