Losing hope.

[LavenderHamster]

Very long text ahead.

I need to get this off my chest. The weight of it makes it hard to breathe. It's killing me. It's just me, myself, and I breaking each other down when no one is around. I hate admitting to depression, it feels like an excuse most times. I feel weak to be acknowledging something deep inside me. Something that has already planted its roots. I wish I had the ability to be writing soliloquies of a better time instead of sharing the story of a sicker mind. I hope with sincerity that no one can relate. Read and hope you don't understand. Because no person deserves to be feeling like this. To wake up every morning and face a day full of questions on their existence. To have suicidal thoughts flood their mind by the minute. To live in a state of dormancy with full acknowledgement towards the inevitable consequence of an unhealthy lifestyle majorly impacted by depression. I had attempted suicide at 12 years old and often wish I had went through with it. I point out all of my flaws with no intention of fixing them. I wish and I wish I could experience a moment of laughter and happiness without laying in bed that night and wondering if that was all real. Too many years went by with a bottomless feeling of emptiness. My emotions were numbed and I felt like a husk. I'm in a consistent state of apathy. I'm not sure how to cope or get out, or if getting out is even possible. I live with a sliver of hope that the next day will be different but as the title directs- I'm losing hope. Rapidly.

I've developed a judgement against people and therapists. People who speak with no personal experience go by the book. Assuming every depressed person is the same then attempt to heal them in the same cliche way. Every successful attempt is taken into account for credibility, the reliability definitely retaining no sensibility. Their ability to heal is lost on those who think it's unnecessary. I have no armor for my mental health to be changing the perspective I'm viewing. A decision I've personally made when I lost most hope.

Work, I want to do my work. My effort I've been putting into my work ethic has been stagnant. The company of viruses magnetic to my direct magnitude of my attitude. I'm a student to this with life teaching me crap but it's all backwards. I feel like an actor with no script, just improvising but failing on every thing. Constantly feeling like my best isn't enough.Juxtapose my passion and procrastination rooted from the same reason branching and growing into negativity. The thoughts that bloom don't fall far from the tree.

Procrastination was a small dose I took. Now it's been years and I'm addicted, I'm hooked. I have a long list of crap I need to get done on the daily and I'm fully aware of it. Yet I continue to do whatever I want then find myself full of regret and hopelessness at the end of the day. I used to be Mr. Go&Get It. All that I do is irrational and my lifestyle is proof. I go read books and books full of fiction and fantasy yet refuse to read the books in class facing reality. I spend plenty of time on devices but I'm not finding myself in the vices of a workaholic mind. I want to get on the grind, but there's so much anxiety and guilt revolving around the dive. I gotta go and do it. All I got is this shame in my heart. I hate to be a burden, I wish to carry my own weight without trouble.

I hate asking for help when I think I'm completely capable. I am, but mentally I'm not. I'm crippled and it's palpable. The second chance I've been given feels like it's been thrown away and wasted. Now I sit at my desk with tasks I've got ahead, but I've got my head in my hands and my hands on my desk. I've been getting way too much rest with depression naps. It's making me sluggish and dormant. It continues to put me in this hopeless cycle I feel like I'm trapped in. I skipped over two months of school and my parents don't know. I'm stressing and my anxiety is creeping, the only solution I'm currently seeing is suicide and that's part of the reason why I'm here. Hoping for a better alternative.

Still inside my room. Still empty with my future, not sure what I'm doing. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I feel like I've never been different Thought it was better, I was heavily mistaken. The shit I work with, mentally forsaken and taken to misdirection, planning my demise. I'm a terrible place and feeling like my life is worthless. Feeling like the skin I'm confined in is something I shouldn't deal with. Feeling like the nearest cliff is my destination. The thoughts of suicide riddle my mind. Yet I continue to pretend that it's all fine and whatever. Sacrificing my time to waste my life. The same life I sacrifice to waste my time. A common cycle where I'm so sick of myself. The self hate I rehearse is same day same delivery. I know I'm not special or out of the blue. I'm aware everyone has their own individual problems too. Don't give me your sympathy, my mind will twist your words of empathy into weapons to impale my self worth with. Every compliment I've received has been twisted by my mind and rearranged into something self deprecating. The amount of self respect is borderline worthless. I reflect on every regret and mistake I've ever made, I can't escape my head.

I wish my very existence would just shatter. I don't have the energy to work as if I matter. So much dedication put into breaking myself down. The fact that I forget to eat and drink means a failure of a normal human being, but if it was anyone else I'd be supportive. Why can't I act like I'm also a human living with a purpose? My emotions are lost and now I hold little sympathy. My care for others has dwindled down significantly. My mind is mad and sickening, I wish I could end it peacefully.

[Beevee]

Read Essential Help for Your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes.

[LavenderHamster in reply to Beevee]

I'll order it. Then I'll come back to you after I've read it. Assuming I don't hold off on it.

[Beevee in reply to LavenderHamster]

Icewall42 has nailed it in one sentence. You need someone who can show you the garbage Depression is feeding you, and how to deal with it.

If you read that book and follow her teachings, you will recover. People spiral downwards because they place belief in all the false thoughts and feelings created by an anxious mind. They fall for the biggest confidence trick out there by believing the garbage anxiety and depression is feeding you.

The book I mention is the complete A to Z and explains what you are dealing with, how it develops, following the same pattern (bewilderment, followed by fear of the symptoms of anxiety followed by depression...the sufferer exhausts themselves trying to fight their way out of the maze..their emotional reserves become depleted) and how to overcome it naturally.

Is does require some effort on your part, if only to point the body and move forward slowly to begin with, regardless of how you may be feeling. Instead of battling with those thoughts and feelings, learn to observe them and don’t give them the respect they need to survive. It’s all bollocks created by an anxious mind.

Anxiety can make huge mountains out of a molehill and does its level best to convince the sufferer that there really is a huge mountain that must be climbed. The sufferer then exhausts themselves trying to Reach the summit All that fighting to get to the top eventually takes its toll, especially with no end in sight. Their resilience ebbs away. They lose hope.

The point is, there is no mountain to climb. There never has been. It is only there because the sufferer has been fighting hard to reach the summit. Stop fighting, learn to let go and that mountain will disappear.

Learn to accept all that anxiety and depression throws at you and let it all go. Allow yourself to fall into any state, to think and feel everything and do absolutely nothing to try and change any of it. Be ok about not feeling ok and continue to move forward in your life, no matter what, no matter how slowly you take things. Just keep moving forward making your life bigger than anxiety and depression. You can do it. Anyone can do it, no matter how long they may have been suffering. Recovery can be slow, it’s a process and can be very bumpy at times but it creeps up on you, bit by bit.

During my recovery, I came across a quote that was published in another book called At Last a Life by Paul David [anxietynomore.co.uk]

Whoever said it really understood anxiety and depression and how to overcome it using the exact same principles first published by Dr Weekes many years beforehand.

“ YOU WON’T GET BETTER UNTIL YOU STOP TRYING TO GET BETTER.”

It’s the “trying” part that does the damage but is fully reversible. Stop trying to do anything to make yourself think and feel different and the mind and body will recover naturally, leaving peace of mind and body. All that garbage just disappears because you have stopped feeding it. You are no longer allowing yourself to be bluffed by it all and stopped entertaining those negative thoughts and feelings which come uninvited.

Best wishes

Beevee

[LavenderHamster in reply to Beevee]

I've read this reply again and again. I'm not sure if I completely understand it. Trying is exactly what got me this far. Why should I stop putting in effort? If I allow myself to fall into any state that comes my way then I'll be trapped in the state of mind which controlled me years ago. I'm not lacking hope, rather I'm lacking help. The constant isolation makes me want, desperately, for someone to stay. If I stop trying to reach out, trying to get better then where do I go? It becomes a free fall then. Back to where I was.

I know what's being fed to me by the voice in my head is false. I have proof that I'm loved, cared for, important, a positive impact. But I'm sure others can relate that when times get alone and dark, it's easy to believe what comes your way especially if it starts from within myself. Does "stop trying" apply to that as well? To succumb to the thoughts and fall into that state of mind which leads me to bouts of self hate and borderline insanity?

What does it mean to just move forward in life? Sometimes I don't move at all. I'm just stuck there. I've gotten through those times by taking what burdened me and burying it away into the recesses of my mind but they still exist. Waiting for the right time to be brought up and hurt me when I'm most vulnerable.

I feel like a mountain does exist. Not really created by anxiety but just events in life amplified by anxiety and depression. Though my goal isn't to reach the summit, but to get over the mountain, or to get around it, I'm trying to finish a journey without losing all hope then just giving up. But it feels as if the mountain gets bigger and bigger as one thing leads to the next. It feels like an impossible climb and letting it go won't make the impact of these events disappear. It's like ignoring a problem that'll only get worse unless I can just push myself to do something about it.

I know you're trying to help. Everyone is. These are the thoughts that came to mind when I read your reply.

[Beevee in reply to LavenderHamster]

Allowing yourself to fall into any state: if you have dark thoughts then let them be there without judgement or questioning them. Leave them be. Your involvement with them is why they keep coming. They need your attention to survive Learn to watch them come, have their say and then watch them go. By allowing them to be there and offering no resistance, their power to shock is gradually drawn and they fade away.

Trying: this means doing anything, whether physically or mentally, with the intention to change the way you think or feel. This includes avoidance techniques of any description e.g. burying stuff in the back of your mind. To overcome anxiety, you have to feel it in full, feel it all willingly and do nothing to stop those thoughts and feelings. This is acceptance. Acceptance of how you think or feel is the way to recover.

Many people, including myself for a time, stay stuck in the cycle because they are terrified something will happen if they let go and let themselves fall into any state. They arevterrified they will lose their mind forever. They believe they have to keep a grip on things to stop that from happening. This is the anxious brain talking. However, it is the trying to keep a grip on things that keep people stay stuck in the cycle. Let go. Let go of all that negative shit. Every single piece if it. No half measures. Anxiety and depression does not have a grip of you. It is you that is holding on to it by giving all the symptoms your undivided attention. Let go if it all and it will disappear. The real life events you refer to will then become manageable, bearing in mind that anxiety is also very good at building those mountains which wouldn't be there if you didn't have anxiety. Trying to solve problems with an over anxious mind is very difficult. Its like dousing a fire with petrol and hoping the flames will be extinguished!

By all means move forward in life and take your anxiety and depression with you for the ride. Reach out to people. Do anything that shifts your focus outwards and not on yourself. Go out, go shopping, take exercise, meet friends etc but do it with no expectation that it will make you better. That will happen naturally and doesn't need any input from you, other than to observe all the symptoms and to learn to let them go.

Think of all the symptoms as negative energy that has to be felt to be released. The more you accept, the more energy is released until there is no more to release. It takes time but your mind and body will revert back to its default setting which is peacefulness. That negative energy is caused by your battered nervous system that has been sensitised due to the constant battle you gave been waging with yourself and will rake time for those same nerves to de-sensitise.

If you are able, please read some of my posts on this site which go into more detail.

Happy to help further!

[Icewall42]

First, if you think you might try to end it, go to a crisis center. ASAP. It's not about if you feel like it or not, it's for your safety.

Second, a book called Feeling Good by David Burns might be more helpful for you than for me (my issues are more anxiety than depression though that feeling is definitely there). But based on this, sounds very much like Clinical Depression. It's an evil, destructive beast that twists your thinking, and everything people say.

How many people have you spoken to? It's common to distrust therapists and doctors, especially after numerous failures. But persistence matters. You need someone who can show you the garbage Depression is feeding you, and how to deal with it. It's difficult to do that on your own.

[LavenderHamster in reply to Icewall42]

I've been eyeing some guns online and I've already contacted a dealer friend if there were any private gun shows around so I can shoot myself, but as my care for everything dwindles... it feels like my actual actions for suicide are being procrastinated on as well. So I guess it acts as a double edged sword. I'm kinda suspicious of crisis centers. I don't know how I'll be treated, if I'll be detained, the sorts.

I can get the book on Amazon. I'm a fairly avid reader and I wouldn't mind picking up a book to help me. I do have clinical depression, but my depression is caused largely due to a disease called Klinefelter. It causes a testosterone deficiency which then leads to depression. My insurance doesn't cover treatment.

I've just.. like whatever. I spoke to as many people as I could. This site was recommended by my therapist and it's just one of the many methods I've attempted at, at self help. I spoke to people I thought were friends because they've claimed to care for me and be there for me. Instead I got a panicked response and an attempt of what seemed to be: Throw me up as high as they could then expect me to fly. Trust me, I've tried. Anti depressants don't work for me either. I even went as far as to do blood work which is how I found out about Klinefelter. I'm.. very alone. I've always struggled to make friends and I'm distant from family. I have one friend and she's online. I know consistency and persistence matters but it's disheartening to see that there really is no one there for me. I can't grasp a reason to be there for myself in turn.

[Icewall42 in reply to LavenderHamster]

Try both books.

Certainly, it's that much harder when you don't have a support system in place, but that's on the people who should have been there for you, not your own fault. You'll feel like a burden--that's part of this whole thing. But you aren't, no matter what anyone--including yourself--says.

There's no way you can get a hold of treatment for the testosterone deficiency? That seems like a definite lead. Looking at this condition, it seems like treatment is either hormone replacement, or the stuff all doctors harp on: diet/exercise/stress reduction. I've heard that latter song and dance so many times and none of it ever helped me, but you've got nothing to lose in trying. Others have said supplementing with Vitamin D3, or get out in the sun. But then again, you've got a definite, identified condition--it should be treated before you attempt anything else.

Don't buy guns. Seriously. Unless you've got your eye on a tasty-looking deer.

Depression is one of the hardest conditions to deal with, right next to anxiety. Really sucks when you have both at the same time, like I do, and NO identified, associated condition. But something else to keep in mind, especially as you look through this site, is that many, many people are suffering through the same conditions. You're not alone in that regard. There are even other people with Klinefelter. And most of the thoughts you've expressed can be targeted by CBT methods. Anti-depressants won't work by themselves--changes in thought patterns are necessary, too, for the best outcome.

[LavenderHamster in reply to Icewall42]

You can tell me I'm not a burden but you'd have to explain the lack of support system, people explicitly avoiding me, the tired and frustrated voices of my family whenever I even hint at my problems, the way it's implied and directly said by friends? not even for me to leave them alone. With these... it's hard to feel like I'm not a burden.

I'd go to the endocrinologist again for other supplements, but Covid has been taking up the hospitals like crazy. I'll have to wait until the panic and cases die down. I've picked up and set down diet and exercise countless times, never keeping a consistent routine. I just lose motivation and again, no support system to keep me up so what reason is there to continue?

If being told seriously that I shouldn't buy guns worked then I probably would've chosen a different method. It's just the quickest way, granted I could miss and cause serious brain damage then live the rest of my life in a hospital filled with regret and more self hate assuming I have the brain functions to do so but the chances are low.

What am I supposed to feel when realizing that others are dealing with the same suffering and pain that I am? Am I supposed to feel understood? Belonging? If so then something must be wrong with me because all I feel is a sense of sadness. That there are indeed many, many others in this world feeling the same as I am. In times like these I wish I was alone.

[CaliPoppy]

Hi, depressed but not suicidal. Just can't 'stop' eating and difficulty focusing. Is there someone in your life that is draining your energy? It can lead to numb feeling. Approach your relationships like food allergy. Keep away from everyone except one person at a time. Spend some time thinking about how each one leaves you feeling. When you're so deep in depression it can be hard to identify the source of the energy vampires around you. Then draw boundaries with the ones you identify. Do the same with your work. Which work leaves you feeling drained or you're avoiding. Which energizes you?

Schedule your escapes like appointments for fresh air and ask which qualities of those forms of entertainment can you incorporate into the less interesting tasks of your day. Add color. Remove clutter.

Move your body. If you're sitting, twist your hands, stretch your feet, find a pleasurable sensation anywhere. You gotta love yourself, your body... Interrupt the firing synapses of your brain. You'll change by adding change. Your brain will rewire itself when you add change.

I used to be afraid of change. Now I live for it. I learned that no matter how wonderful a thing is, it will eventually become boring. Change is the only cure.

After a divorce, I built a bookcase a structural engineer told me couldn't be built. I did it and 14 years later are still strong. So now, when I am in the valley of despair, I take on big projects. It changes my brain. It confronts me with problems, I think of solutions and the completed project is confirmation of a constructive mind. It rewires my brain.

At the moment, thanks to Covid, I'm trapped working and living in home with toxic energy vampire. I was on verge of my next project... A camper van build to move into til my house rehab is done and tenants (kids) move out. But, no one is selling and no one is moving so I'm trapped.

Our memories are wired to our bodies through our mind. To change the mind, change how you move physically through life. Stretch to the opposite or do something recognizably different.

I've been through a dozen counselors, read hundreds of books and at some point I realized all I was doing by talking was getting other people up to speed on 'me' and paying for it by the hour. The nuggets of revelatory insights were so few and far between that it wasn't worth it. Now I search and find my own revelatory insights. Here's the one that is most profound to me...

We only pass through this life to feel resistance to grow spiritually. Without the resistance, we don't grow. Growth makes bliss possible. This temporary life is only temporary, so make the most of it. We don't look for ourselves, we create ourselves through trial, error and success. Remove all judgment, analyze for solutions, be good and kind to yourself and others always and be constructive. Meditate on what constructive means to you. Allow your mind to be only positive and constructive. It is the only direction worth your time and trouble. If you don't know what is constructive, then take one thing and meditate on an outcome and build on it. Most people have several little things that sometimes culminate. But, they don't have to.

There have been 5 suicides in my family and friends. I have meditated on this and life beginning at age 14 with father's suicide. I have meditated on this nearly my whole life. The only way out is through. So, kick ass! Do the life and when you get stuck, do something different. Sometimes you just have to climb the metaphorical hill to get new perspective. There is more. There is ALWAYS more!

Create!

[LavenderHamster in reply to CaliPoppy]

I am suicidal. Contemplating and planning stage to be exact. There isn't anyone in my life draining my energy but myself. I don't have any relationships to approach anyway. I only have my family, my therapist, and a friend online. Other than that, I have no friends in real life or companions. Nothing energizes me. Not even caffeine weirdly enough. I should remove the clutter of my room. I haven't cleaned in a month. I rarely go outside as well because it just feels the same no matter where I am. I stretch on random occasions but I could never find the will to keep a consistent way of life like that. You can list anything you want but everyone here knows it doesn't come easy. I'm still struggling to take steps. Those statements may be the end goal but I have to look at every obstacle and barricade in between.

I'm in this mind state where I'm losing hope for something different. I find myself wanting to go back to where I was: numbed down emotions, lack of self care and worth, a very misanthropic and cynical view on people. It seemed easier then to isolate myself from the world but I was hurting, Here, where I am now. What if I don't care for more? I just want an end. Preferably soon.

[CaliPoppy]

LavenderHamster, have you ever tried to just stop listening to yourself for a while? Do some lamaze and find a focus (direction) and just be, without all the rumination?

[LavenderHamster]

Yeah I have and it was terrible. A void in my head so uncomfortably empty. I missed the voice even if it was manipulating and downgrading. You're gonna have to explain what lamaze is because I searched it up and only found stuff on childbirth but I'm a male.

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