My Story

This is the first time I'm truly coming out with everything. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for about 8 months now and got diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder and Anxiety. I've talked to a few psychologists as well, but it's just so hard for me to talk to someone who isn't in the same boat as me or else I hide my feelings without realizing it. I had a best friend who I could talk to about everything because he was in the same boat as me, but sadly we're not friends anymore.

In July I tried killing myself from doing it and told my mom the next day. About a week later I was thinking of suicide again and I was strong enough to tell my mom and got admitted to a hospital. I'm glad I went because I got prescribed helpful meds and I know that I don't want to go back there. That didn't stop me from trying to kill myself. 3 more times after last July I attempted suicide. 2 of them failed on their own and another time I stopped myself. No one knows about the other times except me. I think about dying every single day. It occupies most of my thoughts. I think about it on my way to school, in school, coming home from school, while doing homework, etc. I rather die and I know that, but lately I haven't actually tried to kill myself because the meds are stopping me. It's great that the meds are helping me, but they also aren't. It's hard to describe, but what the medication is doing for me is just making my mood better and having more motivation to go out and do things or just sit in the living room with my family. Over the summer I was locked in my room the whole time besides work and only ate Poptarts and Chick-fil-A. Even though my mood is better, every single draining thought comes back which makes me so mad and anxious. I'm still hurting myself and wanting to die, but I have no feeling at all. It's so hard for me to cry and it's even really hard for me to laugh. I only ever get angry and anxious. I'm ready for this to stop even though I don't like myself, I don't have any talents, I see almost no hope for my future, and I seem annoying to other people, I need to get better for my family. I hate having my parents spend so much money for my mental health. I'm trying so hard for them, but acting like I'm okay all the time just makes everything worse and sometimes I really just don't know what to do.

12 Replies

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  • I am in no way qualified to speak to your situation except for the fact that I have had the same diagnosis and I am living as normal a life as I want to. I think you need more help than you are getting, You need to get straight with your mother asap because of the number of times you have tried to take your life and the cutting. I understand not wanting to talk to people about how things really are , you are a people pleaser, I know because I also am one. I understand putting others well being ahead of your own. I do it with out realizing it until later when I replay it in my mind. I wonder if you should find a different shrink? You need to find one you are very comfortable with and you should be going 2-3 times a week .I would not go to the hospital if I could avoid it. I know you need to do what your Dr. recommends , but your wishes will count, you are the one this is happening to so you should be involved in your cure. I must say I admire your diet, I could live on those choices for some time. Listen , you're very down on yourself right now and not thinking clearly. I imagine you are also very tired in body and in mind. It's the depression making you feel this way. As a former teacher , I want to tell you that hard work goes farther than talent every time and all areas. So you can do pretty much what you want with your life when you are better. You sound like a bright mature and caring person, so lets make sure you get your chance at happiness. Come on here anytime and as much as you need to. We are very caring people who want to help. I hope to hear from you again. Pam

  • These words are absolutely making me feel a bit better. All of that is a lot of what I do and how I feel. It's just so hard for me to talk to people who don't aren't going through the same thing, but I try my hardest to find a way to get my feelings known. Thank you

  • Try writing it all down and have your Dr. read it while you're there. Part of your problem is lacking the confidence to confide in people.. Listen, I don't have to actually slam my thumb with a hammer to know it hurts.. Your Dr, will get it. Pam

  • Writing things down is a good idea. When I get to an appointment I just almost forget what to say, so I think I will try that

  • Hi mjmyers,

    Don't you want to feel better? Why settle for this dreary existence? Your meds aren't right for you. You're suffering with these urges to hurt and kill yourself. Who can you tell about this so you can get the help you need? Your Mom? Your doctor? Find somebody out of your parents, doctor or counselor and tell that person so you can get on the right meds and feel GOOD. And not have these urges but actually feel GOOD. Don't settle for feeling crummy.

    You care about the money your family is spending on you, so make sure it's going toward the right meds. Right now it isn't. You are not supposed to be thinking about killing yourself all through the day. That is not normal and not the goal of your meds or counseling. Please tell somebody asap. And stop pretending around them. How does that help? That just hides the truth and keeps the wrong meds coming. And your crummy existence doesn't get better. Tell somebody about how the drugs don't help enough. Please. You CAN feel better.

  • Please listen to these thoughtful recommendations. We get it...really

  • Thank you

  • I'm really hoping I'll feel better soon. I just need to work up the strength to tell people what's going on and that I need different treatment. I'm going to try my hardest for everything, thank you.

  • So sorry to hear you are in such a painful place. I tried to kill myself when I was 19 so I know that space and it is dark and uncomfortable and painful, but it will pass. It's so important that you look after yourself at the moment and locking yourself in your room and eating lots of sugar is the worst thing you can do. Are you talking to a counsellor? Have you tried exercise, it can be more effective than meds. Being outside in nature is proven to lift mood. Eating and sleeping well. Social contact. Mindfulness - headspace.com is a good place to start. Please stop pretending you are ok, tell people you are hurting, believe that you are worth taking care of and get yourself a routine including good diet, exercise, time in nature, meditation. You are worth the effort to get better so please do it. Sending love xxx

  • Thank you <3 I'm trying my hardest to occupy my time with better things. I do love nature so maybe I'll get more into that. It's just hard to see a better future, but I'm going to try real hard to get there.

  • Mj,

    I'm so sorry you are experiencing so much pain. Yes, medication can help but not alone. Thats great you are seeing a psychiatrist. Do you also get therapy or just meds? You would probably benefit from individual and group therapy that is ongoing. At least to help you during this difficult time. Talking to your parents and other adults who understand is important. Thoughts of wanting to die come from the depression! They might never go away completely but hopefully they won't overwhelm your thoughts. You need to be more involved and less isolated so you aren't alone with your "faulty" thinking. As your doctor or school counselor for suggestions to help you engage in something that will boost your self esteem.

  • Mj, most of us on this site have gone through depression. I was in the hospital in October because I felt depressed and frightened. It did help. The Drs. Talked to me and asked me questions to get me on the right meds. Don't ever feel bad about your parents helping you out. They would never forgive themselves if they didn't. I know you are young. My first major depression came when I was 18, I am 60 now and I see it as a problem that I have to keep on working on.As you get more comfortable with your therapists and Dr. You will let yourself be truthful. Your death thoughts are from your depression. It is a sickness that can be treated. Keep learning about yourself. You probably don't even know the talents you have. I am praying for you, I've been there and back. So many of us have. Write back

    Liti

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