This is the first time I'm truly coming out with everything. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for about 8 months now and got diagnosed with Major Depression Disorder and Anxiety. I've talked to a few psychologists as well, but it's just so hard for me to talk to someone who isn't in the same boat as me or else I hide my feelings without realizing it. I had a best friend who I could talk to about everything because he was in the same boat as me, but sadly we're not friends anymore.
In July I tried killing myself from doing it and told my mom the next day. About a week later I was thinking of suicide again and I was strong enough to tell my mom and got admitted to a hospital. I'm glad I went because I got prescribed helpful meds and I know that I don't want to go back there. That didn't stop me from trying to kill myself. 3 more times after last July I attempted suicide. 2 of them failed on their own and another time I stopped myself. No one knows about the other times except me. I think about dying every single day. It occupies most of my thoughts. I think about it on my way to school, in school, coming home from school, while doing homework, etc. I rather die and I know that, but lately I haven't actually tried to kill myself because the meds are stopping me. It's great that the meds are helping me, but they also aren't. It's hard to describe, but what the medication is doing for me is just making my mood better and having more motivation to go out and do things or just sit in the living room with my family. Over the summer I was locked in my room the whole time besides work and only ate Poptarts and Chick-fil-A. Even though my mood is better, every single draining thought comes back which makes me so mad and anxious. I'm still hurting myself and wanting to die, but I have no feeling at all. It's so hard for me to cry and it's even really hard for me to laugh. I only ever get angry and anxious. I'm ready for this to stop even though I don't like myself, I don't have any talents, I see almost no hope for my future, and I seem annoying to other people, I need to get better for my family. I hate having my parents spend so much money for my mental health. I'm trying so hard for them, but acting like I'm okay all the time just makes everything worse and sometimes I really just don't know what to do.