Before this year, I lost a lot. I lost everything, actually. I find myself living with my mother again which I haven’t done in over a decade. Everything feels impossible and she makes it too easy to remember all the reasons I hate myself.
I was extremely suicidal and I don’t remember a lot from that time period. Lately it’s been hard. I find myself wishing my mother would have just let me go.
I don’t normally reach out anymore because it has never proved helpful but I need some positivity right about now...
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Xyra
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Thanks.. I’m trying. It’s just been hard. Really hard. I’m having to live with my mother who abused and neglected me most of my life so this isn’t the best place for me but it’s the only place I have atm since my anxiety/ panic disorder causes amnesia and I’ve blacked out behind the wheel from stress :/
Boundaries with this family is pretty... nonexistent. They are so incredibly dysfunctional and every time I try to be better and do better, they find some way to set me waaayyy back.
Thank you Agora. I try to remember these facts but when I see certain things, triggers for lack of a better word, I just lose myself. For example, I lost my fiancé and I relocated far far away for them only to realize they had extremely unhealthy ways of coping with their dad dying. I was so abused by them that I’ve been left traumatized but at the same time, they were the greatest love of my life... in my mind, I feel like this happened two years ago when it’s been five.
Being stuck and now with this amnesia that I developed from stress, I feel like I can no control and it is soooo scary!!! To forget things and then be forced to confront the facts... it’s frightening.
Thank you agora but this is me post help. There is no good help here. My moms abusive and reminds me how horrible I am all the time. Today is just worse than yesterday. I’m tired of hating myself and hurting myself. I rather it just be one final time and never have to see that dramatic self centered abusive bitch that calls herself my mom. She isn’t a mom at all!
I know I have to. I want to get out of here. I just don’t know how to start. This stress and anxiety leaves me scared to drive or get a job where I have that obligation. What options do I have?
It's really tough when life doesn't go the way we hope it might. I remember having to go home after the break up of a relationship and I was homeless. It was very difficult so I work hard to save enough to move out. I tried to keep out of the way as I knew my mum loved me but didn't want me there ! My thoughts are with you, if possible think about things to do for yourself and find some joy x
Thank you grateful. I went through that too. I moved to Pittsburg for my ex and they intentionally cheated on me and signed a new lease with some other woman and no one told me except my landlord... he was kind enough to be on my side. I had no where to turn except my mother.. I’ve slowly lost friends so I find myself just alone these days. I can’t even bring myself to go outside. I just breakdown because the weather triggers me. I remember my life being amazing with this weather. I had love. Jobs. School. Grad school. Prospects. Plans for the future. Now the govt is saying I’m legitimately disabled because of how bad the anxiety and depression has hit me.
I would love some help with finding things that bring me joy. The ones I knew are now triggering bad memories and well.. I’ve never had a huge list to begin with. :/
I’m so sorry. I’ve felt suicidal at times myself. It started when I was younger not understanding my purpose. My parents gave me up so my grandparents adopted me. Then when my papaw passed I felt so lost. He was my rock. My grandmother continued to drink and was gone a lot I guess it was her way of coping. I wanted to die I felt so alone and so angry at the same time. But I pushed through and even though I still struggle I’m glad I chose life. Because honestly the feelings can go away but you can’t get your life back. Hang in there ❤️
Thank you Bcrawford. I have pushed through a lot but this particular time- everything feels so impossible. Everything! I desire more than my life from before. Friggin hindsight right? I can’t even figure out what I want to do from here and unfortunately, the mental health available here is poorly lacking. I just feel so lonely and hopeless.
You are welcome. If you can find time to exercise even if it’s just 30 mins it will help you so much. That is the ONLY thing that has ever helped me get through it. I find it hard and lack the motivation to start back but I do know it works better than any medicine I’ve ever tried. Keep strong you will get through this!
I want to but I’m just so scared. I’ve become so scared. My ex was raped by her best friend and her husband. Then living near the border in Mexico and having my mom harass me every time I walk out of my room... god. I just feel like I can’t do it. I miss my old life so much.
I feel so alone. So completely alone. Everyone in my family has abused me or used me. They always harass me. My friends all fled when I needed them except one but she doesn’t like talking to about this stuff so I have no outlet... the worse part is I saw this motivational quote that said something like today isn’t bad, what’s bad is being in the same place this day next year... I realized it’s been five years that I’ve been falling apart.... and no one and no med has been able to help me.. god I just feel so... I feel like a waste. Too mich pain for nothing at all.
I’ve been there twice from circumstances just be glad you are loved!! Seriously you will pull up the meds will kick in no shame in crashing for a good reason it sounds like. You’re here meant to be & she loves you enough to see to it her baby is safe. Embrace your inner child let big you talk to little and provide compassion comfort you deserve. You may not get back what you had but you build again and get something else. I had a house with a pool. I’m like half disabled now and live in a shit studio suite and my cars half dead I can’t replace it. I hate a beautiful life before I won’t replace with that but I have to choose to make a life now & fight. And I have disabilities that affect my brain now!! You fight
Guitara, I hope you’re right. I have been on the same meds for a while and I don’t think life is supposed to be this hard... I wish I knew more about the inner child. I’ve heard of it from someone else but I don’t know how that works. Ay, i just feel so dang lonely. I just wish someone could hold me and tell me it’s gonna be ok while just holding me. I’m so damn scared. Every time I get water or go out of my room, I’m dead frightened about my mom.
Why are you scared of your mother ?? Will they not change your meds if you r been in it too long?? There’s times to zine out lay in bed. But you have to do tiny steps to get up. Maybe buy a stuffed animal. Get a hug from your mom. Or if you have friends a friend. It hard to do things. Try to push yourself to build a routine. You’re safe and you’re loved remember that.
Inner child is just you think of yourself as a 7 year old what would big you say to comfort words like “ I’m scared I don’t think anyone loves me “ ... if we hear a child saying that we know the answer you love them and they will find someone to love them be their friend. “. You provide comforting words to the fears you have.
Ay guitara, where to start? I was an unwanted child so my family has always had a very different approach to me. They are dysfunctional af so I have that as well as the neglect.
I want to make small goals but the therapists I’ve seen have not been.. progressing. Every time I go, I just bombard them with things so I never experienced any action. I’ve tried different therapists too. So I kinda just don’t know where to start.
As for my meds... smh would you believe my dr got arrested? So I kind of have been doing the best I can but yeah. I don’t think life is supposed to be this hard on meds. Everyday I’m scared 24/7. I’m panicked. I feel severe heart ache. It takes all my effort to just barely function and even if I hear an iota of bad news or stress- I get faint. Black out. Nauseated. You name it. Bad panic attacks.
I want to believe I’m safe and loved but I keep asking myself how can I do this?? My ex actually kicked doors in and came after me with a gun or just fists. My brother came at me with knives. I’ve had my life threatened so much. I can’t remember the last time I felt safe. As for inner child... I never really got to be one... but that’s a whole other story. A long one.
I like the way you converse. You are so knowledgeable! Can I bother you to tell me more about your experiences with moving forward and getting over these rough patches?
I’m in a very rough patch too while year. My shrink sucks and paralyzed some of my help stupid and now I’m more stressed & my family doc is finally on board with me after several visits to ER damage to my whole digestive system I’m burnt out from it.
How I manage... I spend time alone I go out in nature in public looking like total crap and sick but I do it anyways it’s my darn life. I see friends the few I have when I feel I can. I try to let them talk most and they give advice I allow some but just say I just need the compassion normalcy the most. I do various meditations on YouTube for my tummy for fear EFT in there too. I write mantras I read every day several times a day. Oddly I’m educated in behaviour therapy methods so I know how to write a social story/ mantra mix. What that does is face the main issues I know what mine are. Do you know yours simplified ( do you feel safe do you feel loved do you worry what others think how do you react what can you do instead).
It’s a way of confronting acknowledging & reminding us about thought and not letting those thoughts or people having power over us. You sound like you need to read about grief & loss. There is a book called the Journey from Abandonment to Healing. This book discusses all kinds of loss grieving and people examples. Those books are like pick and choose take what you need out of them. The library’s great for that reason I take photos of certain pages I need to reread.
I sometimes worn out lay in bed for weeks because too tired see nobody but get out too just check out but also try to manage doing things at home or checking in with my brother. It’s really important to get out it’s hard you see normal people and I miss being that. You have to put in perspective mindfulness in your day. You’re not being abused at this moment. You’re at home reading this you’re safe. Worry periods are great because if you keep at it you will work them out that you can do things and worry at intervals to teach yourself mindfulness.
I understand abuse well mental and ptsd at least & severe physical pain like severe and being abused in it. I try to hold hope I can overcome & I freeze sometimes lately for months then I get up and try. I have to remind myself no ones better than me because they’re not me haven’t walked in my shoes. I used to have a great life. I get both sides.
It may help you to break it down in language as a child simplify your emotions for therapy. I’ve wasted sessions too needing to say everything in fight flight mode. So you could say I was mentally physically abused I need to feel safe I feel neglected I feel loss of control I feel anxious I lack confidence. What about your environment now is it safe? If hat needs adjusting that might be something they can help you work on too. Routine in ones day is important so glad for the day. Start small slowly ad to it.
I am by no means in a great place but I have some tools from before that got me out last time. I just got hit hard and crap doctor. I’m presently in process of getting a different one. If I had sooner I would t have fallen and burnt out. My background had a lot of physical pain surgeries waits. Loss of money friends physical ability and mental abuse. What I know is it’s our job to walk away when this happens. I was too tired physically mentally this time but I have done a lot of right things. There’s a lot of forgiving to yourself to be done for being human. No one gets to label me or I walk. They didn’t live my life.
I am sorry you are in these circumstances. Do you have anywhere else to go? If you have to stay there is it possible for you to avoid her ? Are you in therapy ? or taking meds ?
I hope you find this site helpful. People here do truly want to help others, please keep posting and take care of yourself.
Thank you poodie. Thank you for your response. Unfortunately I don’t have anywhere to go. I am on meds but as guitara said above, I may be looking at changing them or the dose. I try to avoid my mother but because of recent circumstances, she doesn’t want to leave me alone..: er I should say unwatched? Long story short, I became so dismayed that I seized every opportunity to find “rest”.
I’m still exploring the site. I don’t really like technology too much lol. So I’m a little slower at catching on. I thought this was only a forum? Am I wrong and totally missed something? Please let me know! I do wanna use this site as much as possible until I can find some stability at least. 😳
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xx
I just feel so lonely and hopeless. 
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