I wrote this when I was going through I really hard moment. I hope it doesn't offend anyone. It was just how I was feeling at the time. It's really personal and it took me a lot to share. Maybe you guys have something to say about it. I'm sorry for the errors of vocabulary.
I get It. Really! I do. We should go out there and “experience each day like it was the last”, don’t worry about the future, do what we love. Learn from the past and leave what’s not necessary there. Words like wanderlust and carpe diem should be your mantra. But, Life, these things are easy to say and hard to do.
Listen there is this bug inside of me, doctors can’t cure it, pills can make it go to sleep for a while if you are lucky. For some people this bug comes from time to time, but after my last doctor’s appointment It is forever stucked in my heart.
I love so many things about you, but this bug gets too agitated and don’t let me see you the way it is supposed to be. Sometimes It can be so hard on me that all I want to do is fall on the ground, scream and cry. Life…in days like this…I don’t want you anymore.
There are good days, when It is very calm, like it’s singing very slowly a constant song. It’s there, but It is controlled. There are weird days when I come back from a job interview and have to rush to the bathroom. Diarrhea? At least I got there in time! haha This little devil does that from time to time. Well! I got a great story to tell everybody some weeks later, we laughed and had a good time.
Of course… I never told anyone the part the bug does that when I have important occasions. Amazing how this thing tends to turn our lives upside down and from one day to the other everything we do is to make sure It doesn’t wake up. Useless, with time I came to realize that even when everything is ok It can come like a punch in the stomach and almost take everything you got away.
Life, I’m not giving up on you, but I’m not going to do this the way it is supposed to be either. You are incredible. You are all about growing and achieving new things. I do a lot of things, but because of this bug I can’t actually stop. I do things that usually just keep me distracted and usually I don’t end anything.
What I’m going to say about sleep? Well I don’t have good nights of sleep anymore. I got used to it now. I just find things to do when I wake up in the middle of the night. The pills help me too, but it takes my dreams away and how can you, Life be without dreams?
This bug’s name is Anxiety and It’s part of me now. I’m always going to have good memories of you Life, it brings a smile to my face to remember the laughs and the sunny summer days. Next time I’m going to tell you more. We will still see each other from time to time. I must tell all about a shadow though, that it’s here even before Anxiety. But let’s leave it for another day.
With Love, Amanda.
Amanda, thank you so much for sharing this. It moved me a great deal, and I am grateful you found the resolve to post it.
Only a lovely, gentle soul could write "how can you, Life be without dreams?" with such vulnerability and sincerity.
Simply beautiful, beautiful.
Thank you mrmonk! It means a lot to me what you said. Specially coming from you, you always share amazing and beautiful things that talk to my heart. It was reaaaally hard to share, but now I'm grateful I did.
I wish you all the best always.
The part about the dreams of life is my favorite part too Mrmonk; the entire writing is so nice Amanda.