how to stop blaming myself

Everytime there is stress or a bad situation around me, i find a way that it could be my fault. Maybe i said something that caused this? Or maybe this is because of me and i just don’t remember what i did to cause it? ( i know this is irrational, but i can’t help it sometimes) does anyone else do this? and is there any way to stop my mind from making everything my fault? its never anything good, always bad things that i find a way to blame myself somehow, even when it has nothing to do with me.

[Miss_Aero]

I do this. I feel the reason I do this is because I like to think of myself as a people pleaser. So if something is wrong with them my first thought is me, I did something (when it has nothing to do with me). I tend to find excuses to why this is happening. To tell myself to do it differently next time. But 90% of time I blame myself. I need to hear that reassurance that it's not my fault someone else is having a bad day because of me. If you feel like you did something wrong you could communicate with person to help see what made you blame yourself. Help them understand their bad mood worried you into believing it's your fault.

[Hidden in reply to Miss_Aero]

Thank you for your suggestion. it’s reassuring knowing its not just me, i thought I might have been a little crazy or something for doing this lol

[Miss_Aero in reply to Hidden]

You are not crazy. And lots of us feel this way. Especially when we have a dark cloud over us.

[Hidden in reply to Miss_Aero]

Thank you, i appreciate your support

[Hidden]

I totally still do this. And I’m so proud of you for recognizing the need for growth in this area for you.

And it’s because I grew up being told both directly and indirectly that everything was my fault. I absorbed the lie. And I brought it into adulthood.

For me, things started turning around for the better when I forgave myself. It was not my fault.

When I forgave others.

When I sought healthy deep relations from people who will replace the lies with who I really am.

Hugs friend.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, i’ve been trying to move past doing this. I guess forgiveness is a big part of it. and positive relationships to build positive experiences also makes sense

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Try to think of it this way. Are you important enough in all those peoples lives for what you say and do to matter so much to them? Are you the centre of their lives and they all revolve around you? By recognising that you aren't then everything can't be your fault can it? x

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

i understand this completely, ( i don’t think myself important at all, mostly think i have no importance whatsoever) but i still end up blaming myself for some reason?.. an example of one of my worst ones is my grandfathers death, its been a few years now, but at that time I felt it was my fault for not being there as much as i could have been

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Well you couldn't have prevented his death by being there more so that is illogical. I think that's more guilt coz you didn't spend as much time with him as you could but don't forget everyone has their own lives and they can't be put on hold completely however much we wish to do so. We all do that though - feel guilt when someone we love dies. All you can do is live and learn from it and vow to be there as much as possible in the future for them. x

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

after reflecting for a minute i think honestly this might help me depending on the situation, so i do very much appreciate the advice

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Good I am glad. Another thought is by putting blame on yourself you are stopping others taking blame which is rightfully theirs, and do you have the right and responsibility to do this? They might need to learn lifes lessons as well. You could be doing them a diservice. x

[Stilltrying_ in reply to hypercat54]

Spot on hypercat. I am just learning this and putting it into practice. x

[hypercat54 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Good. Easy to say but hard to do. x

[Stilltrying_ in reply to hypercat54]

Yes, I don't want to hijack the post but just to say I've mentioned this as well on Kkimm's post. It is very hard to do but it is the only way. It all comes from self belief me thinks.

[hypercat54 in reply to Stilltrying_]

Self preservation Gemma. x

[1973m]

Hi, I’ve done this , still do sometimes and I’m always saying sorry .. sorry for this sorry for that .its sometimes just the way we’re wired . Let the thoughts come let them go because mostly it’s just thoughts . You won’t be to blame at all . It’s just that you’re hyper sensitive because of anxiety.

As you get older , you’ll find you won’t worry so much and as you start to get better you’ll be less likely to feel like you’re to blame for negative happenings.

It’s a cliche but it really is letting time pass, be as patient as you can . You will overcome this .

[fauxartist]

Blame and shame, guilt and regret, fear and anger, all are like acid in a vessel.....eventually they will destroy the vessel. I don't know what kind of life or childhood you had, but mine made me who I am today. I grew up with all of it, and it was reinforced on a daily basis by a hateful person who did blame me for them not having a life.....the thing is....they should have given me up to someone who did want a child. It's not my fault, I didn't cause this, I cannot make anyone happy or unhappy, and only I can change how I think about myself. Some of us grow up without the kind of structure that teaches us how to love ourselfs, have self worth and self confidence......thay plays into our adult lives in a very big way and it takes a lot of work to 'un-do' this kind of damage....but it's never to late to start.

[Stilltrying_]

Hi, well I'm sort of into reading about developmental psychology and this would be a stage of ego development of the child where they feel omnipotent ; that everything has to do with them. According to how we develop if we don't get what we need from our parents we then tend to blame ourselves and keep on blaming ourselves for everything else in our immediate world and even the world at large.

As someone else pointed out it is definately a growth process and a developmental process to move out of this mindset. You are definately not crazy for having the mindset in the first place though ; many of us with less than adequate childhoods have a tendency in this direction ; but moving out of it is the key.

I was also made in the mould of a people pleaser and only recently am I starting to believe I have as many rights as everyone else and rather than just adapting to others I need to create my own space . I am responsible for me, they are responsible for them; not in a totally uncaring way but we need to unseperate ourselves from the needs and feelings of others to a certain extent in order to be healthy and have a sense of our own agency.

x

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

its just confusing because there is no positive sense, i dont feel if something good happens that it has to do with me. Only in a negative context do i find myself to blame?.. just wondering about your thoughts on this

[Stilltrying_]

I don't know you but possibly you developed this sense of overresponsibility through being made to feel like that by someone in the first place. I know in my case it served my mother's interests to make me responsible for her welfare and not to develop my own self interest. Did you have to do a lot of caring or have an abusive background in any way?

It could be that or not. I would have to study all your posts and really know you to tell you why it is exactly.

Another thing I 've noticed I do is make constant reassurances to people. I never say for example that I am disappointed in something or sad about something. If I say I'm dissapointed ( or any rare occasion) then I also reassure and tell them not to worry that I am ok or something like that. So what I do is NEVER inflict any negative feeling onto anyone normally.

However I am just learning to change my behaviour a little and put it into practice FROM TODAY !

Someone important to me sent me a birthday card. It went to the wrong address. I asked at that address. They said they didn't have it. The person who sent the birthday card I told them it never arrived and when I asked at the address they didn't have it. ( I wouldn't normally do this) Or if I did normally I would follow all those statements with massive reassurances like "it's ok, i know you sent it, it's the thought that counts... etc".

Whilst all those things are true sometimes I think I overstate or try to overreassure people . I simply replied this time "Yes, I did go round and they didn't have it". Simple huh? But a big step for me as I am potentially then putting anxiety onto another person or not sufficiently resolving the situation for them. But maybe I overworry and it isn't necessary to constantly reassure others ?

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

thanks for your suggestions and insight, its given me a lot to think about, but i think you’re right about maybe having sense of over responsibility. and there are many things in my life that make me feel that it has been taught, its just kind of a sad reality to deal with. especially since i’m still very close to my family it makes it difficult to approach

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Hidden]

Yes I can understand that. It is very difficult when you are in the middle of a situation. x

[Hidden]

yes that does make sense, my parents are controlling.. ive been attempting to get a job and move out since i came back home after dropping out of school, but they seem to fight me. I need transportation because most work from here is far away,and they say they will help with that but every time i have a job lined up there is a new reason i can’t use either of their vehicles to go to said job and i dont have the money to fix my car( which they also said they would help with but this has been 3 years of this)

[Hidden]

This sounds very familiar to me! Unfortunately I know what you're saying on feeling over responsible for everything and everyone - especially if things go wrong.

I think it's about lack of boundaries - being blamed by parents/other people for things which aren't our fault/having nothing to do with us. Some times it needs working out logically. Feeling guilty is my automatic default feeling, feeling guilty for having been born, but whilst it feels real it may not be true.

Now I know that I "feel" like this often for the most innocuous reasons and really have nothing to do with me, I always check myself and ask whether it's logical and reasonable for me to "feel" this way.

For me it's also been about growing up with a mother who never owned her feelings/her behaviour, so I never knew what belonged to who if you know what I mean (not explaining this very well) For example mother was angry/eyes flashing and very scary....instead of owning her feelings eg "I'm angry due to such and such" she projected it onto myself and my siblings, we "felt" and took on that blame as if it were our own.

Hope this helps!

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

This does help, i see a lot of familiarities in your post. Like you said i need to check myself more often, “is this logical?”

[Hidden]

Yes